Kindergarten conference - my son is "missing the empathy piece"

[gret the great]

Dh and I attended my ds's conference today. His academics skills are way above average, but his social skills are where he needs help. The teacher said "He is missing the empathy piece" This comes to no surprise. We have been working on this his whole life in so many ways.

SOB! I don't care if my kids goes to Harvard, I just want him to be kind! He does things like tell the kids who can't read they are babies... stuff like that. He doesn't seem to mind when others are hurt by his actions or words. The teacher is taking him into a group with a couple other kids for more advanced reading and math stuff which I think is great to keep him interested & not get bored. She was also great about it, not judgemental, but wanting to all work together to make progress with this.

Anyone have similar situations? Or light to shed?

[Mirzam]

I am not sure I have much to offer in the way of help. However, my DS's school has compassion as one of its core prinicples so compassion is stressed very heavily to the children. They have many discussions about this in order to develop empathy/compassion. I was plesently surprised the other day with a conversation I overheard in the playground. Two boys were rough housing and another boy (who isn't the most compassionate of kids IMO) said, "Be gentle W______, you know how sensitive D______ is". We also had a whole parent evening on the subject. I think what the school really tries to do is create a culture of compassion, and by living it will become part of the childrens reality, it will be their "normal". DS's school bases all its teaching from the Shambhala Buddhist prinicple of "Basic Goodness", which is somewhat different to the behaviorist's theory of the empty child that is prevelant in public schools thanks to B. F. Skinner and his merry band of behaviorists.

Continue working with him at home to engender compassion, model compassionate behavior and I am sure he will "get it". I would also see what the teacher could do in class to talk about compassion in a group setting. Your DS is compassionate, but he needs help accessing it, under some layers.

[Mirzam]

I just remember a book the school recommended to the parents which might be of interest to you:

Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships


http://www.amazon.com/Social-Intelli.../dp/0553803522

In Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman explores an emerging new science with startling implications for our interpersonal world. Its most fundamental discovery: we are designed for sociability, constantly engaged in a “neural ballet” that connects us brain to brain with those around us.

Our reactions to others, and theirs to us, have a far-reaching biological impact, sending out cascades of hormones that regulate everything from our hearts to our immune systems, making good relationships act like vitamins—and bad relationships like poisons. We can “catch” other people’s emotions the way we catch a cold, and the consequences of isolation or relentless social stress can be life-shortening. Goleman explains the surprising accuracy of first impressions, the basis of charisma and emotional power, the complexity of sexual attraction, and how we detect lies. He describes the “dark side” of social intelligence, from narcissism to Machiavellianism and psychopathy. He also reveals our astonishing capacity for “mindsight,” as well as the tragedy of those, like autistic children, whose mindsight is impaired.

Is there a way to raise our children to be happy? What is the basis of a nourishing marriage? How can business leaders and teachers inspire the best in those they lead and teach? How can groups divided by prejudice and hatred come to live together in peace?

The answers to these questions may not be as elusive as we once thought. And Goleman delivers his most heartening news with powerful conviction: we humans have a built-in bias toward empathy, cooperation, and altruism–provided we develop the social intelligence to nurture these capacities in ourselves and others.

[oyemicanto]

Originally Posted by uccomama

my DS's school has compassion as one of its core prinicples so compassion is stressed very heavily to the children. They have many discussions about this in order to develop empathy/compassion. I was plesently surprised the other day with a conversation I overheard in the playground. Two boys were rough housing and another boy (who isn't the most compassionate of kids IMO) said, "Be gentle W______, you know how sensitive D______ is". We also had a whole parent evening on the subject. I think what the school really tries to do is create a culture of compassion, and by living it will become part of the childrens reality, it will be their "normal". DS's school bases all its teaching from the Shambhala Buddhist prinicple of "Basic Goodness", which is somewhat different to the behaviorist's theory of the empty child that is prevelant in public schools thanks to B. F. Skinner and his merry band of behaviorists.

This sounds amazing - is it a public school?

[orca]

Is he violent or aggressive towards other children? Does he enjoy playing with smaller children, “the babies”? What is his relationship like with your DH, you and his sisters?

I have worked with many children like this, but would need to know more about his tendencies before I could give you some suggestions. Feel free to PM me if you want to keep it private.

[Mirzam]

Originally Posted by cgmom

This sounds amazing - is it a public school?

No, its a small private contemplative elementary school.

[gret the great]

UCComma- thak you for the link & the quote. That book looks great. DS spent 3 years at a high scope pre school where that is all they do- conflict resolution, so DH and I are grappling with how to make this new situation work...

New Mom-He's not what I would call aggressive or violent, but he is physical- pushing etc. He definitely likes to exert power over his sisters in a similar way, something we have been working with since toddlerhood. He like to play with everyone & wants to be a part f things. He loves going to school, loves to be with his classmates etc. His teacher said it is often during transitions, which we know is hard for him. He's not as skilled with his large motor as some of his peers which frustrates him.

That said, I've been thinking all afternoon about this. None of it is totally new, but I am feeling a bit irked that it is the first I have heard about this. I wish I had known earlier. In preschool he had some of these issues, and we got through it.

I am trying to be more proactive about catching his moments of being empathetic.

Last week he & his buddy were fighting at the bus stop. Buddy's mom & I broke it up and tried to get to the bottom of it. My DS did a great job at voicing his hurt feelings about the rules of the game they were playing and trying to process with buddy, but the other kid was still really upset & would not engage. Buddy pushed my DS over and called him a name. Buddy's mom & I decided to seperate the boys & process on our own, which we did & really was quite a good thing. My DS was able to really talk about what it felt like to be pushed & called names (bad!) for the first time. He's never really been on the receiving end of that stuff. Not that I want him to be mistreated, but it kind of turned something around to him. He & his friend saw each other later that day & hugged and talked about what happened & decided it is more fun to play the game than to fight with each other (phew!). Tonight he was taunting his little sister, and I brought up to him what it felt like at the bus stop with his buddy. I think he gets it, it is just about making it a habit, which is tough. Many times I know it is about getting attention from me... I have been trying the tactic with his sister to put all of my energy on her when he's taunting her, rather than giving him the negative attention.

Ok I'm rambling!

[Serenity]

just a different perspective, i'm told a lack of empathy is a key feature of Asperger's syndrome (which my ds may have). has he been evaluated by the school?