please give me advice

[meowee]

Please be as upfront with me as you can be. I realize I'm posting this in the homeschooling section so replies might be biased... all are welcome to reply.

After 2 yrs of trying to homeschool my perpetually bored/ sour/ uncooperative/ friend-starved (I tried, but just could not get her out "partying" enough ) daughter age 7, I put her in school. The school is much nicer than I expected and she is loving it, with occasional fits in the morning when she hasn't gotten enough sleep. Her academics are improving too and her behavior, while not perfect, is better overall.

One week after putting her in school my younger daughter age 4 landed in ICU with complcations from a minor cold (that my daughter might have brought home from school). It turns out that DD age 4 has very severe asthma (we had no idea, I guess we had never been exposed to enough viruses before for it to be triggered). DD 4 was gravely ill and could have died. I was yelled at in the ER for not having called an ambulance, the ER nurse said she was one of the sickest children she'd ever seen.

Since then DD 7 has brought hom 2 other viruses from school. For the rest of us they were mild to moderate colds; for DD 4 she was nerly hospitalized again and is being loaded up on meds just so she can breathe.

So now I am faced with a decision of whether to pull DD 7 out of school in an effort to protect her younger sister from getting sick. I know there is no 100% guarantee that we can avoid colds, but when no one was in school, we got sick about 3x a year. So far we have gotten sick 3+ times since September just this year alone.

Under these conditions, would you pull DD age 7 out of school and homeschool again, even if she is doing well in school?

(My DS age 9 is still homeschooled and I plan to homeschool him through high school if he is okay with that.)

And a caveat: don't worry, you are not making my decision for me! I will use your feedback in a minor way to help me make a decision but I will consider many other factors too.

[meowee]

Oh, I wanted to add that I have tried echinacea/ vit C supplements and slathering DD 7 with purell the moment she walks in the door... so far it's been no help.

[Lillian J]

I can't really give you an opinion - but I just want to give you a hug.

I hope it all works out for the best very soon. - Lillian

[kathymuggle]

I would pull her - at least until DD4 is stronger and you have her asthma under control.

She probably won't be happy about it, but it isn't forever, and she will be helping her sister grow stronger (which she can be justifyably proud of)

I have one in school (part time) and one homeschooled. Just letting you know where i come from.

[AuntLavender]

We homeschooL

and are sick so infrequently that I can almost always pinpoint who made us sick. (Coughing child at the library near us, etc.)

In fact my youngest son (3 1/2) and daughter (7) just got over a cold; first one this year! No one else in the family got their cold either so the home is a better environment for disease prevention than institutional settings ime.

I would pull my child from public school. I would explain to her that her sibling's health is at risk. I can't comment on your daughter's social wants but you could have her join girl scouts or something. There would still be the risk of catching colds but it would be reduced.

[almama]

We get sick a lot, but go out a lot too . . .

I wish you the best.

[mama in the forest]

I voted to pull her out. Sometimes you've got to do what's best for the whole family when there are multiple children.

At 7 in my mind she's too young to give up on with homeschooling. She just needs time to make friends, and time to grow into homeschooling. As she grows older she will be able to articulate what she needs from homeschooling more so...perhaps less structure, perhaps more structure.....and she will find friends as she gets older and becomes more involved with the world outside her home.

[chaoticzenmom]

If you keep her home, are you still going to be around other children? It seems like bringing her home in order to avoid illness is something that is not likely to work unless you don't leave the house and is likely to instill a fear of "germs" in the children. It could lead to Obsessive compulsive disorder.

I accidently did that to my daughter once and it took awhile for me to realize that she was terrified of invisible germs all over the place! I did that to her by casual comments about how she may have gotten sick once.

Have you tried seeing a naturapathic Dr? My constantly ill son, we discovered, is allergic to milk, wheat and eggs. When we changed his diet, he did so much better because his body was able to fight illnesses instead of his allergies. A naturapathic dr will do an allergy test that is considered experimental, but has proved useful by myself and several of my friends. Just an idea.

Good luck in your decision, it sounds pretty complicated.
Lisa (mom to 3 wonderful children)

[FreeThinkinMama]

I almost clicked the second option until I re-read your post. I'm probably a little biased about homeschooling but I don't think it's right for every single child and parent.

If it was just about getting sick more often that wouldn't be enough of a reason for me. I don't like our family getting sick but that's a small inconvenience. My reasons for homeschooling have a lot to do with safety, just in a different way than yours (i.e. school shootings, sex offenders etc)

But you're not dealing with a small inconvenience of getting sick more often,
It sounds like you're literally dealing with a possible life and death situation. If anything ever happened to your younger dd after you decided not to pull your older one out of school and she brought another illness home, you might end up blaming yourself. Your older dd might not understand now but when she's older she will.

My dd also craves social interaction with other kids and it can be tough sometimes as a homeschooler who is shy and has no friends to arrange that. But if you really make an effort you can replace the socialization she's receiving at school. Remind her that a lot of time at school is spent not socializing, in fact being told to be quiet and not talk during class. Ask her for ideas for extracurricular activities she'd be interested in. See if she can keep in touch with friends from school.

I agree with you that it's impossible to avoid germs completely. But kids in settings like daycares and schools do get sick more often. Especially in the winter when they're couped up inside without as much fresh air. The teachers have to teach and discipline 30 kids, they aren't going to have as much time to make sure they do those little things like washing hands and covering coughs that cut down on spreading germs. My dd rarely gets sick even though she plays with other kids at the playgrounds but her cousins who are in daycare get sick all the time. Huge difference between being around other kids 40 hours a week and being around them 5-10 hours a week.

[yonit]

I agree completely with Lisa49.

Unless you plan on building a big bubble around your house and never letting anyone leave it, than there isn't much point in bringing your older daughter home.

We are out and about at various activities almost every day - girls scouts, library, ice skating, classes, etc... My husband also brings home from work tons of germs. As appealing as it is on the surface you can't really lock your 7yo in the closet to keep your 4yo from getting sick.

I would also be seeking out a naturopath who is trained in asthma and food allergies. There ARE ways of getting it under control.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[rootzdawta]

My ds is still very young although we plan to homeschool. However, I have some perspective on this albeit slightly different. When I was about 9 and my sister was about 3, she had this breathing issues where while she was sleeping she would just stop breathing. One remedy that was prescribed was a humidifier. Since we shared the same room, I had to sleep with the humidifier too and it only made me hot and uncomfortable. It was difficult for me to really be all that compassionate to my sister. I mean, I guessed I loved here but all I could think about was how she was making me so miserable. I really resented her and felt that my parents didn't care about me--only her. Now, I realize how selfish that was but I was young and I couldn't really see the big picture. But at the same time, having a mother who's severely asthmatic . . . I couldn't really deal with that in my child. It is really scary so to you. I think in you're situation I would try to see a naturopath to figure out if there's anything to be done to strengthen your younger daughter. If not, pull the older from school--she'll be sore now but she'll understand in the future. Do your best to get her plenty of opportunities to socialize--although that too may introduce sicknesses you don't want around the younger one. Maybe older dd can bathe when she comes home and put school clothes directly in the hamper? It's really a tough situation. .

[zeldamomma]

Wow, that's tough. Have you talked to your dd's teacher? Perhaps if she understood what's at stake, she could institute some germ controls in the classroom? Given that your older dd is thriving at school, I would do my best to make it work, but unfortunately, health trumps happiness, so you may have to bring her home.

I think school is fundamentally different from other activities because people depend on school for childcare, and therefore kids are much more likely to go while they're sick.

((Hugs))

ZM

[UUMom]

I don't think it's school that is making your younger child sick. Some children are more challenged in a health way. We homeschool and we are more exposed than most school kids-- just beause we go so many places.

[sunnmama]

It sounds like dd7 is really thriving. And, I suspect that--if dd7 is to get the socialization she seems to need--she will still be bringing viruses home, whether in school or not.

I would first try amping up the handwashing, etc, to see if you can limit the number of colds that come home. And the number of colds that are spread within the home. My mother was a nurse before becoming a SAHM, and she had some major cold/virus protocol, lol. We had our own tissue box and a bag to put used tissues in immediately (carry with us). We had our own glass and utensils to use for the duration of the cold--washed in the hottest water. These steps helped to limit cross-infection, and often the cold never spread to other family members.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by lisa49

Have you tried seeing a naturapathic Dr? My constantly ill son, we discovered, is allergic to milk, wheat and eggs. When we changed his diet, he did so much better because his body was able to fight illnesses instead of his allergies. A naturapathic dr will do an allergy test that is considered experimental, but has proved useful by myself and several of my friends. Just an idea.

And a darned good one. A naturopathic doctor, and a holistic health center I've found in Seattle, have recently changed my life. It's a long story, but it's been amazing how my health has changed. And allergies and diet are only part of what they help with. Osteopaths are wonderful too. I've been buying used copies of Andrew Weil's book, Spontaneous Healing: How to Discover and Enhance Your Body's Natural Ability to Maintain and Heal Itself, to foist onto friends lately - I can't say enough about it. I took a workshop from him when I was still young and immortal , so didn't really pay heed to everything - but as I'm rereading it, the importance of it all is obvious, and underlined and turned down pages as I went. Worth a read, for sure. - Lillian

[Lillian J]

By the way, my son had some allergies and asthma when he was little, and we needed to get everything out of his room that dust mites or mold could live in, - it helped ever so much! We took out the rug, and replaced it with cheap (but attractive) vinyl, because many of the better vinyls have too many chemicals that can exude toxins; encased his mattress in a thick plastic case specially sold for people with allergies; took out the curtains and replaced with vinyl shades; replaced his pillow and encased the new one in a special cover for people with allergies; got all stuffed toys out of the room; and removed all books. It sounds like a lot, but it really wasn't, and it made him so much more comfortable! Later, we discovered that our cockateels were causing his discomfort in the living room - we'd always thought it was just something in our sofa - and he was fine in there once we gave them away. He was fine by his teen years, by the way. We already had hardwood floor throughout the house because of his and my allergies - so the rest of the house was fine. If you have carpeting, you may have to do frequent vacuuming with a vacuum cleaner that completely filters out air rather than kicking it back into the room.

Edited to add: I also started washing all my son's bedding frequently - mattress pad and comforter included - once we realized we needed to get on the ball to prevent dust mites and/or mold.

I know it may all sound on the excessive side, but it sure made a wonderful difference in our lives. Lillian

[Cassiopeia]

She sounds awfully happy in school. I would leave her in.

[Mama Shifra]

Originally Posted by Cassiopeia

She sounds awfully happy in school. I would leave her in.

I agree that to take a child out of a school situation that she loves to protect another child will make the older child pretty resentful. However, I agree that you need to teach your older child about proper handwashing: use soap and scrub hands for at least 10 seconds! You may need to have her wash her hands just when she comes home from school, every time she wipes her nose, etc. I have liquid soap with tea tree oil in every bathroom in the house and try to have the kids use it frequently. Many people are now saying that you need to clean door knobs and other surfaces frequently to avoid infection. Good nutrition also helps build up the immune system, so you may want to be sure that your children are getting fruits and vegetables everyday, whole grains too. Also, if the fresh air doesn't bother your 4 year old's asthma and the weather is not too cold, you may want to think about "airing" your house as often as possible (ie. open the windows for a while). That helps to kill the germs by circulating "new" air.

Good luck and health!
Shifra

[onlyzombiecat]

If the situation were not so severe for your dd4 I'd say leave dd7 in school. This is really a choice between one child being possibly unhappy and another child's actual health.
It would be a tough situation.

[scheelimama]

I can't really give you any advice, but I do want to offer my friend's experience for you to think about.

Last fall her dd (2.5 yrs) had a seizure attack. They took her by ambulance to the ER and it ended up lasting a total of 40 min. She ended up being fine, but they linked it to a sudden viral attack causing a sudden fever spike. Her dd had never had much of a cold at all before that experience. Last winter, she ended up having seizures and going to the ER three more times due to viruses. She had been in daycare part time and still was, nothing had changed. They did stay home a bit more when mom wasn't working to keep her away from viruses, but the fact is, they still ended up at the ER 4 times total last fall/winter and they had not upped the amount of socialization at all. They actually decreased it. I honestly think that some kids are just goign to be more prone to severe illness. I found myself nodding in agreement to almost every post on your topic here, on both sides of the issue. It's a tough decision. If I were your dd7, I'd probably be pissed if you pulled me out because of my little sister. She's thriving and it seems like it would be better to leave her in and take extra precautions, like a previous poster suggested (i.e. changing clothes/washing hands, etc.) But on the other hand, it's hard to deal with such severe illness. I have no idea what to tell you.