How do you deal with all the criticism?

[rbriansgirl]

My oldest, ds is five and we decided not to put him in ps this year. We are still trying to decide what to do next year... My question is, how do you deal with all of the criticism about homeschooling. My in-laws think that if I home school I will be, "ruining my child's life." and recently a woman told my little brother (who is 14) that "maybe if you are good, your mom will let you go to public school next year." I have definate feelings about what is best for my children and how I would like to raise them. My point is I am not a confrontational person, but I will do what I think is best for my children and what is stupid is what scares me the most about homeschooling is how people treat it sometimes, like it is bad or wrong. Oh, another thing. My brother-in-law said the other day that all the home-schooled kids he knew were "weird." I guess maybe the fear is silly but how do you deal with it? What do you do?

[chaoticzenmom]

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. What I'm doing is getting as educated as possible in order to have great answers that knock the socks off of anyone who questions me. The book that helped with that really well for me was John Holt's "Teach Your Own" and it really describes how important homeschooling is.

I've read some of Lillian's articles on her website and I'm sure she'll provide some great links to you soon.

It also helps to join some kind of community that can help you when you second guess yourself. Look on your states homeschooling organizations and there should be a link somewhere to groups near you. Choose the ones that most fit your needs and then contact them.

Keep coming here and be willing to forget about what you think you know about homeschooling. Be open to letting homeschooling be what your family needs instead of what you think others (ie. your inlaws) think it's supposed to be.

The more confident you are in your decision, the less defensive you'll be in conversations. Then, you can really give people friendly challenges when they start to question your decisions, or confidently refuse to justify yourself to people who seem completely misinformed.

If you find a great book that explains exactly what you want your inlaws to know, invest in a copy for them!
Good luck!
Lisa (mom to 3 great kids)

[littlest birds]

I avoid the subject and usually the people too.

I had people who I saw frequently who just ask the same pointed questions and make the same kinds of comments about socialization over and over no matter how many times I answer and talk about my perspective. I just can't have those discussions with someone who I have already had them with so many times. I become rather abrupt if I find myself in that situation, because I run out of things to say and realize the effort doesn't seem to help anyway.

[Needle in the Hay]

Originally Posted by lisa49

The more confident you are in your decision, the less defensive you'll be in conversations. Then, you can really give people friendly challenges when they start to question your decisions, or confidently refuse to justify yourself to people who seem completely misinformed.

This is so true. I give short answers because if I start to give reasons some people think I've opened up the subject for debate.

Here's how I've answered a few comments. You definitely don't have to confrontational. In time you will get over the fear of someone asking about school.

Does he go to school? --No, he doesn't go.

He looks big to not be going yet. --Oh, they grow so fast, don't they? (good time to ask about their kids or comment on the weather).

He will go next year. (no answer at all. This is not worth replying to. Obviously this person has no say in our lives.

Doesn't he want to be around other children? --Sure. Not everyday, all day long, but yes he likes to play with other children and we have lots of places around us where he can do that.

It's not all that common, but sometimes I am asked why I homeschool and I'm still developing my short, easy answer to that but it's something like:
With most of our family far away we travel a lot and want to be available when they come here. Plus DS is so active he learns better like this.

This is a very specific answer to my situation, so it doesn't sound like I'm judging anyone else and really, there's not much they can argue with me about. Are they going to try to tell me that no, my DS doesn't learn better like this or that we don't need to travel to see our families? If so, I'd just say that this is what works best for us.

Remember that people can't argue with you if you don't allow them to. If you are not responding to their brilliant points, such as kids needing to go to school so they can see that other kids can't afford the same Nikes or whatever as they can (this was a real argument put forth by an education official in France) but only say that it works for you and you are happy with it, then their argument is going to fizzle out. Only if you start responding point by point will it go on and on.

And for the comments you mentioned:

You're going to ruin your child's life.
(Really I don't think I'd respond much to this one at all. It's ridiculous and when you think about it, a pretty empty statment. They're going to have to come up with something better if they want a response. BUT if they are saying this in front of your kids I would have your DH ask them not to. He might want to ask them not to say anything to you, either. My DH did that and it was very helpful to me.)

All the HS kids I know are weird. --Then this is great for you. Finally you'll know some who aren't weird.

What did your brother say to that woman who told him if he was good he might get to go to PS?! People say the dumbest things don't they?

Also, you are in deciding mode right now. You're not sure what you're doing next year. People think they need to "help" you decide. This was definitely the case for me. Once you make your choice and are confident about it, you won't get people making desperate efforts to influence your decision! You will also care less about the comments as you go on. I used to get really nervous about anyone mentioning school. I still don't like it (why can't people mind their own business?), but I know it's going to happen and I am much more relaxed about it now.

One more thing, you will sometimes get positive comments. Write these down! Then when you feel like everyone is against you you'll see that they are not. Negative comments stick with us whereas we sometimes forget the positive ones.

[saintmom]

I knew I must be doing something right!

[genifer]

All the HS kids I know are weird. --Then this is great for you. Finally you'll know some who aren't weird

thats a good one. I usually nod and not say much. Like pp said they cant argue with you if you dont open yourself upto agruing with them. I tend to get rather ubrupt with people too. and if they carry on I just say I dont even want to discuss it with you anymore. as far as ruining my child's life... Only time will tell, huh? I had someone tell me that the only hs child they knew dropped out of college because he couldnt handle being around all the girlies (didnt know how to socialise, I guess). I finished catholic high school and I dropped out of college too, I couldnt focus on my studies either but that was because high school and all my mainstream schooling didnt prepare me for real life either so I guess we cant win, eh? and Yeah. people do say the stupidest things.

[guest^]

And she is only 5!! It's good to practice with your response(or lack thereof!) now, because boy do the critics get worse when our dc age!!

If you'll see above in the stickies, I asked for non-religious articles to support HSing. I did this due to relatives that accuse me of *only* HSing because of my faith.

I have talked till I am the deepest blue in the face, mailed articles, given book suggestions. NONE OF IT WORKS. I *am* a very confrontational person, and I have been oh so sucked into the worst of conversations that have left horrible stains on relations with family members.

Just earlier this week, a family member totally attacked *everything* about our parenting. I mean,EBFing,family bed, GD,and HSing. It was said in the cruelist(sp?) way possible. Shook me to my core. *Said* family member then offered a blanket apology. I said, "I accept, but the cruel accusations need to be taken back, or at the very least, a more specific apology needs to take place." Nope was the answer,"I said I was sorry, that should be enough!" My reply was,"What a brilliant display of excellent social skills-presumably learned in your public schooling days?"

Now? I occasionally spew off a very sarcastic comment,like I did above, but overall, I LEAVE IT ALONE. (And I don't mean that to be yelling at you. )

In the end, I have to protect my stress levels, and with family, I can let them get to me.

With strangers? I tend to give the blanket answer that HSing works great for *our* family, and that we love it! Add a huge grin in there of course!

mp

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[rbriansgirl]

I don't know what my brother said back, he was at a boy scout activity, only that it made him feel really bad. Like he was really different from the other kids and homeschooling was something wrong if people thought this way about it.

And what my brother-in-law said about kids being weird. LOL. I went to ps in high school.... Uh, need I say more?!

[tuffykenwell]

Well my two standard answers have become:

To "Why are you homeschooling?" This is what works best for our family right now."....

And to "How long will you homeschool?" As long as it is working for us.

...and if they keep questioning I just keep repeating either a or b until they get tired or go away

Since I have started answering this way I haven't had a single argument or felt the need to explain myself

Steph

[rbriansgirl]

Originally Posted by Needle in the Hay

Just earlier this week, a family member totally attacked *everything* about our parenting. I mean,EBFing,family bed, GD,and HSing. It was said in the cruelist(sp?) way possible. Shook me to my core. *Said* family member then offered a blanket apology. I said, "I accept, but the cruel accusations need to be taken back, or at the very least, a more specific apology needs to take place." Nope was the answer,"I said I was sorry, that should be enough!" My reply was,"What a brilliant display of excellent social skills-presumably learned in your public schooling days?"

Oh, I have had those days before! One day I had MIL and SIL yelling at me about everything I was doing wrong as a parent. While she was making a complete fool of herself acting that way! That is so true!

[E.V. Lowi]

We homeschooled dd for the 2nd grade. I admire anyone who is able to provide this nurturing environment for their child.

We would provide educational opportunities that were just not available at the local school for her, such as music and art classes. One of the art teachers commented about dd; how bright, well mannered and creative she was. When I mentioned that she was homeschooled, the teacher's response was, "Homeschooled kids are the best!"

My point is that not all people feel negatively towards homeschooling. The ones that do, may just be ignorant. Some are assuaging their guilt about the damaging situation that their own child is suffering through in public school. Some people are basically just KILLJOYS. But you will find that many more people are supportive and like the pp said, focus on the positive comments.

[rbriansgirl]

Originally Posted by E.V. Lowi

My point is that not all people feel negatively towards homeschooling.

You are right and sorry for being negative. I actually have a good support system with my family. My mom has home-schooled me three younger siblings and they love it and not everyone is critical. Mostly I just need to find ways to deal with my sometimes overbearing inlaws whom I love, they are a big part of our lives. I just need to find ways to stick up for what I believe in and to do what I know is right for my family without being defensive and shutting them out of our lives. Thanks for all the good advice