how to handle suspected abuser?

[MamaPippi]

I'm wondering what to do about my dad. My parents divorced when I was 5, but before that he spent a lot of time with us, and after the divorce we had a lot of fun visiting him (swimming, road trips, etc.) He was really great. After he remarried when I was 11, things weren't as great, but I always loved him.

Then, just when I turned 18, I became utterly convinced that he had sexually abused me when I was a toddler. When I told my mom about this, she was sad but not surprised--when she married him, she kinda wondered if he'd molest children, and decided *probably* not! I've never talked to dad about this. Even if he did anything, he would never admit it, and he's a pathological liar.

Well, I maintained contact with dad anyway, since I didn't know for sure. I also wanted to stay in touch with my half-siblings. But now I have a baby boy (1 year old), and it really changes things. Dad lives in the same town and keeps wanting to babysit, but I don't want to leave him alone with ds. Dh knows my suspicions but really likes dad--he's not afraid that there's a monster lurking under the surface, like I am.

BUT maybe my dad never did anything wrong, and I'm being really unfair to him. I don't want to deprive him and ds of a good reationship. (Dad is also the only gp livling nearby.) I don't really think he would sexually abuse a boy, anyway. (But when ds was tiny I was afraid that dad wanted to *steal him*.)

The weird thing is that dad doesn't seem interested in coming over to play with ds while we're around, but he keeps offering to babysit. So I haven't even had much chance to see how he interacts with ds, which might help me out.

So what do you think?

[Lucky Charm]

Pay attention to your gut. rarely is it wrong.

[funnybunny]

trust your instincts

Whoa.

I didn't have a strong feeling about your post either way until your last sentence. I would take the fact that your father doesn't seen interested in spending time with DS when you are around as a big danger signal.

When it comes to something as important as protecting your child from potential abuse, I would definitely go with your gut feeling here.

Also, you mentioned the fact that your father is a "pathological liar," even without the abuse worries, is that really the type of person you want your child to spend loads of quality time with? I guess my thought is that being a genetic grandparent doesn't give someone the right to influence the life of a child - unless they have demonstrated they are going to be a positive and loving influence.

A great book on protecting children called "Protecting the Gift", might help you to sort out some of these issues.

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[CollegeMama]

I agree with Sweetbaby3. Listen to your gut. If you don't, I fear you'll regret it. Get the book, Protecting the Gift, it will help you feel stronger about your position.
It's very strange that he wants to babysit but doesn't spend time when you and your DP are around. Very suspicious!

Good for you for listening to those feelings and taking them seriously. Just because your child is a son, doesn't mean he's safe from any potential abuse, as your father's behavior is very, very strange.

It's so hard but I commend you for looking at this situation honestly and with an open heart.

Marcy

[mama2annabelle]

Ditto to everyone else...follow your instincts here.
**And remember you are NOT depriving your ds OR your dad by not allowing them alone time together. **
Of course, they can have a great relationship with you always present. Next time he offers to babysit, just tell him that you'd rather spend time together as a family.

[bellamama]

I absolutely agree with everything that has been said. The fact that your father wants to only babysit your ds when you and dh are gone raises a HUGE RED FLAG in my eyes. Trust your maternal intuition and protect your baby with your life. You obviously do NOT trust your father. You mention that there is a monster lurking within, he's a pathological liar and you feared he would have stolen your ds when he was born-----I want to scream out on the top of my lungs RUN and never look back!!!!!!!!!! These are huge issues you have with your father. I'm sorry but if I were in your shoes and felt in ANY way there was ANY (let alone, sexual) Abuse, that person would no longer be apart of my life. Your intuition is your family's protection. Take it seriously and NEVER leave your child alone with this man. I understand that your dh likes your father, but hey, Ted Bundy was also a likeable guy. I know your father is not a serial killer, but you feel the threat lurking, do not let his personality or niceness deviate from the deep issue you have at hand. PLEASE,PLEASE Honor your intuition and in the end, it can only protect your son...

[LunaMom]

Re: how to handle suspected abuser?

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. But these three things you said really jumped out at me:

Originally posted by MamaPippi
Even if he did anything, he would never admit it, and he's a pathological liar.

I don't really think he would sexually abuse a boy, anyway.

The weird thing is that dad doesn't seem interested in coming over to play with ds while we're around, but he keeps offering to babysit.

It certainly does not sound like you trust your father. In fact, you mentioned that your mother even suspected that he was a child molester. You should not feel obligated to give your dad a "chance" - that's not an experiment you want to perform with your child. Besdies, as someone else said, you can always include him in family activities. The fact that he only seems interested in getting your ds alone really tells you all you need to know, doesn't it? Also, you didn't explain why you thought he wouldn't molest a boy, but your reasoning has anything to do with homosexuality, don't kid yourself - men who molest boys are not gay, they're just pedophiles. Almost 100% of child molesters are straight men.

Please, for the sake of your child, do not let your dad be alone with him, ever. Honestly, I'm actually baffled that you seem conflicted about this, and please don't take that as a judgment - it's just that all the things you said in your post point straight at the conclusion that your dad's interest in your son is not healthy. Hugs to you - I'm sure this is such a difficult thing to be grappling with, but I agree with others that you should go with your gut.

[Greaseball]

It sure sounded weird to me too.

A child's safety should always come before a grandparent's feelings. You don't have to let anyone babysit your child, no matter who they are, and you don't have to explain yourself - just "no" is enough!

[~Megan~]

follow your gut. Moms have a good sense about things like that

[becoming]

I agree with what everyone else said. I would much rather hurt my dad's feelings than to subject my child to potential abuse.

Moms are very rarely wrong about these sort of things, anyway.

I would keep DS as far away from your dad as possible, if it were me.

[papachee]

I agree with a lot of what everyone else has said ... but

You have something of a relationship with your father, you sort of get along, you don't fully trust him but you get along. I would try to not let JUST suspicion alter that.

I get along with all of the grandparents quite well, but some of them are not going to baby sit! And I have no suspicions thankfully.

Just be careful, and it would not be un-natural to not let DS out of your sight.

good luck.

[Quirky]

Re: how to handle suspected abuser?

One of the things Gavin deBecker (author of The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift) says in his books is that people who were attacked/molested often could see it coming, and their stories reflect that knowledge, but they suppressed that knowledge because they didn't want to be rude/rock the boat/appear suspicious. But the little telltale details are there in their stories, the clues that their intuitions were sending them.

I'm no expert, but it seems to me your intuition is telling you the following telltale signs:

Originally posted by MamaPippi
(1) Then, just when I turned 18, I became utterly convinced that he had sexually abused me when I was a toddler.

(2) When I told my mom about this, she was sad but not surprised--when she married him, she kinda wondered if he'd molest children, and decided *probably* not!

(3) He's a pathological liar.

(4) [dh is] not afraid that there's a monster lurking under the surface, like I am.

(5) But when ds was tiny I was afraid that dad wanted to *steal him*

(6) The weird thing is that dad doesn't seem interested in coming over to play with ds while we're around, but he keeps offering to babysit.

You already know the answer to your own question; you just have to listen to yourself.

[saturnine25]

I agree w/ everyone who has posted already- follow your intuition. Even if you were overreacting (which I definitely don't think you are), there is so much at stake here that I wouldn't take any chances.

Amy, mom to Tsuneo, 09/12/01

[DebraBaker]

To allow your son to be in the presence of your dad unsupervised would be like testing out a theory........consider the consequences if your theory is wrong!!!

I have *never* regretted following my own gut.

BTW: your dad's behavior is strange and would send off my red flags as well.

Debra Baker

[momatheart23]

Seconding everyone here, also go get the book because it will make you feel validated for trusting your instinct which is your natural inborn armor. As the wonderful book said, be very slow to decide who to let in to your children's lives and very quick to decide who to exclude. If your Dad gets offended that he can't be unsupervised with your son to fu***** bad. You are your son's protector. It sounds like your mom had her red flags come up and ignored/justified them away, DON'T do the same. The risks aren't worth it. When protecting your children you are going to appear "rude" or "paranoid" to some, but those that have your child's best interests at heart will understand. Go get the book, it is a book I feel every parent should read.

[MamaPippi]

Thank you to everybody, these posts have certainly confirmed my own feelings about what I should do--keep ds from being alone with my dad. I guess I really needed to hear all this reinforcement, though. Dh just doesn't seem to get it, and although he's not pressuring me I know he'd like some free babysitting.

I've seen Protecting the Gift and will read it pronto. I'll try to keep inviting dad to do stuff with ALL of us, so ds can have fun with his grandpa, but I can still protect him. Keeping ds safe is more important than pleasing my dad.

Again, thank you all for the advice, and for just taking all of this seriously.

[Xenogenesis]

Even without all these huge red flags all over the situation, it isn't un-natural for a Mom to not want to leave a one-year-old for more than a very short period of time if given a choice. Especially her first-born. And especially when she doesn't trust the caretaker. Look how hard we try to screen other babysitters, daycares, schools, doctors, etc.

Go with your instincts. Your dad can wait a couple of years till your ds learns to speak and articulate well. He really isn't missing out on much. If he can't wait then that might be a sign that this is your final decision. Take it one day at a time. Find a sitter you feel comfortable with. Your suspicion that you can not trust him (for whatever reason) definitely seems valid to me.

[lilyka]

If you don't have any real memories of this thenyou can't really cast guilt on him for this. It is easy to become paranoid about these things.

Also you dads behavior doesn't sound all that strange ot me. It isn't unusualy for grandparents to act that way. It is more of a they don't want you looking over tier shoulder every minute.

On the other hand if you are just going to be paranoid and worried the whole visit better to just have supervised visits. No need to get yourself in a panic one way or the other. easier to just be cautious. I love my FIl and have no doubt that he would never hurt my children but I still feel uncom,fortable leaving them with just him. It is dumb and irrational (i was molested as a child by the townhero : so of course noone ever believed me, so now I think everyone has it in them to be a child molester) but none the less if it is gonna make me so worried that I get sick over it what is the point. Pleaseing someone is just not that important to me.

Also I wouldn't leave my children with anyone who didn't routienly spend time with us as a family. How are they going to know our parenting style? Just because that isn't an unusual thing for grandparents doesn't make it acceptable.

[lula]

I wouldn't leave my child if I felt odd about it, no matter what the reason.

Also, it won't hurt your child to not be alone with his grandparent but the reprecussions of if you left him and something happened are obivously terrible, life-long etc not just for you but for your whole family. With those odds I would bet on the not leaving him alone side.

On another note if you are anxious about leaving your son he probably will pick up on your emotions, this may cause him to act differently and then you may assume something abusive occured when it did not.(or it may cloud your instincts if something did happen) This potential scenerio is sure to cause more tension then you already feel.

lula