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12 y.o. ds who intentionally pees on his carpet - Page 4

post #61 of 104
I was just thinking about this again. Maybe for a night light you could put one in the bathroom, and one in the hallway. Then for his room you could go to one of the discount type stores and pick out one of those groovy neon lights or lava lamps or something like that so if he has friends over it just looks like a cool room accessory. Just a thought. But I am so glad you were able to talk to him and get to the heart of it. You did great.
post #62 of 104
I have night terrors. I won't bore you with the details, but I see the bedroom fairly realistically except I ALSO see something scary (usually spiders for me). The ONLY thing that snaps me out of it is a light coming on. I don't think a nightlight is enough for me, it has to illuminate the room well.

Until the light comes on, I'm irrational. I whine, I plead, I yell, I bang on the wall. Sometimes I even cry. I've never peed on the floor, but who knows.

So I like the nightlight idea but I like even better the idea of a lamp RIGHT BESIDE THE BED that is easy to turn on in a second. No need to get up - just right there. See if your son likes that idea. Maybe even one of those touch-lamps so he doesn't have to fumble with a switch - just reach out, and it's on.

Also, as a separate personal anecdote, I had some bedwetting problems as a child - about 6 if I remember correctly. This is all first-hand memory; my mom never brought this up to me again. I wet the bed once - by accident, I'm almost positive. After that, I wet the bed a few more times. Not quite by accident. But not to be a bad girl, either. It wasn't fear of the dark in my case. I don't know what I was thinking - maybe I just got used to it the first time, and the result wasn't so horrible, so ... Anyway, my mom never yelled at me. She took me to the pediatrician, and he examined me, and he said that there was nothing wrong with me and I was just wetting the bed. He said something about discliplining me. Now, here's the important part: after that visit, we went out to the car, and my mom turned to me before turning the car on and said "I believe you. We'll figure this out. Don't worry." I had felt so stressed about being a bad girl, and not really knowing how to fix it (yeah, to kids "stop peeing" isn't always that obvious...). But I felt so much better when my mom said that. She believed me! (As for what exactly she believed I don't remember, but it doesn't matter). I was so relieved. I never, ever peed the bed again. I was just so relieved in my mother's faith and love in me.

Hope my two anecdotes help.
post #63 of 104
O.K, I am going to be the insensitive B**** here. Because There's always at least one.

He is TWELVE! not four.

O.K, he is afraid of the dark. I understand that. But, Twelve??????? Twelve is old enough to think of something else to do besides pee on the rug.

Twelve year olds have enough common sense to turn on a light, look around the room and walk down the hallway.

I would not put up with that at twelve. What would his friends think if they see a porta potty in his bedroom? Buy him three night lights, and a lamp next to his bed.

I am a mean B**** I know, but I don't think saying "I am afraid of the dark" excuses him peeing on the carpet.

BUT, I would Totally buy the "I was sleep walking" defense.
post #64 of 104
that attitude is exactly why he was scared to tell his mom.
post #65 of 104
I remember twelve. Twelve looks a lot more grownup than they are.

In any event, yelling at him: "You're twelve! I don't buy it!" isn't gonna help (I assume you agree).

The OP can at least try to see how it goes after her talk with him. If it continues, I'm sure she'll ask for additional input (or not, if she doesn't think this round was helpful!).
post #66 of 104
A child eliminating inappropriately is *almost* always a sign of significant emotional issues. His mom indicated that he has Asperger's traits, that could be a real source as well as a significant phobia or the like.

Even if a child eliminates as part of "acting out" they are asking for attention and help for something they cannot handle on their own.

A child who is exhibiting this behavior needs to be evaluated by a trained professional, not humiliated.

Typically, a normal teen's "laziness" does not include elimination problems.

Let's give this kid a break, a 12 yr old without issues is usually not the best at problem solving.

post #67 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zonie View Post
O.K, I am going to be the insensitive B**** here.
Apparently so.
post #68 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zonie View Post
O.K, I am going to be the insensitive B**** here. Because There's always at least one.

He is TWELVE! not four.

O.K, he is afraid of the dark. I understand that. But, Twelve??????? Twelve is old enough to think of something else to do besides pee on the rug.

Twelve year olds have enough common sense to turn on a light, look around the room and walk down the hallway.

I would not put up with that at twelve. What would his friends think if they see a porta potty in his bedroom? Buy him three night lights, and a lamp next to his bed.

I am a mean B**** I know, but I don't think saying "I am afraid of the dark" excuses him peeing on the carpet.

BUT, I would Totally buy the "I was sleep walking" defense.
Hopefully you don't get old and need assistance from your children or anyone else for toileting due to physical or mental issues. And if you do, I pray they treat you with compassion, understanding and sensitivity and not this sort of attitude.

I pity you.
post #69 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by romans_mum View Post
that attitude is exactly why he was scared to tell his mom.
No it isn't. He was scared to tell his mom because it is silly. He peed on the floor because he was afraid of the dark. Who wouldn't be afraid to admit that, much less a 12 year old boy. That is embarassment. Not fear of how mommy will react.

I think I have the right attitude here. I think everybody elses attitude is why a 12 year old boy would choose to pee on his own carpet. Maybe he thinks urine evaporates after it dries. But, eventually he will smell it himself. (well maybe not, my brothers room smelled like a locker, and he didn't notice)

This is a teenager, a junior high student, a boy who will be driving in four years. I think some level of responsibility is called for here. Society will not be kind to him, if this is "aww, poor kid was so afraid of his house that he chose to urinate next to his bed, rather than get up and turn on a light". Not that anybody would ever find out. But, the general attitude that it is OK, is what is going to cause him problems.

There may be more to the story that he hasn't told Mom about. But, if the story really is that he is too afraid to get out of bed, then I think he needs to find a new plan.

I am still holding out for my Sleep walking theory. Or some kind of cruel puberty thing that I don't know about.
post #70 of 104
Quote:
Now, here's the important part: after that visit, we went out to the car, and my mom turned to me before turning the car on and said "I believe you. We'll figure this out. Don't worry." I had felt so stressed about being a bad girl, and not really knowing how to fix it (yeah, to kids "stop peeing" isn't always that obvious...). But I felt so much better when my mom said that. She believed me! (As for what exactly she believed I don't remember, but it doesn't matter). I was so relieved. I never, ever peed the bed again. I was just so relieved in my mother's faith and love in me.
The absolute beauty and love in this brought tears to my eyes.


Why dont we ever give kids the benefit of the doubt? We see a parent yelling at her kid at the store and we encourage one another to think, "hey, maybe she's just having a bad day" we shouldnt judge. To which I agree. So why cant we think that way about a 12 year old? It just has to be laziness, right? Is this more of the kids are born evil and we have to "set them straight"?

12 is not an adult. No where even close. Why is so much expected from them? We dont expect perfection from grown ups, why a child? So sad, so very sad.

(fek, I'm watching you )
post #71 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
Hopefully you don't get old and need assistance from your children or anyone else for toileting due to physical or mental issues. And if you do, I pray they treat you with compassion, understanding and sensitivity and not this sort of attitude.

I pity you.
But, she said this isn't a physical or mental issue. He chose to do this. A physical or mental issue, I could understand.
post #72 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brilliantmama View Post
His mom indicated that he has Asperger's traits,
O.K, THAT part I missed.

Understand, I am picturing the average normal junior high student. The seventh grader that you see at the bus stop. If there is nothing at all wrong, and he just doesn't want to get up, he needs to be responsible.
post #73 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shenjall View Post
The absolute beauty and love in this brought tears to my eyes.


Why dont we ever give kids the benefit of the doubt? We see a parent yelling at her kid at the store and we encourage one another to think, "hey, maybe she's just having a bad day" we shouldnt judge. To which I agree. So why cant we think that way about a 12 year old? It just has to be laziness, right? Is this more of the kids are born evil and we have to "set them straight"?

12 is not an adult. No where even close. Why is so much expected from them? We dont expect perfection from grown ups, why a child? So sad, so very sad.

(fek, I'm watching you )
()
post #74 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zonie View Post
O.K, THAT part I missed.

Understand, I am picturing the average normal junior high student. The seventh grader that you see at the bus stop. If there is nothing at all wrong, and he just doesn't want to get up, he needs to be responsible.
Zonie, It seems you have never been as terrified of the dark as that boy and a lot of us on this thread. Do you not get that "being responsible" has nothing to do with it? That was what I meant by mental issues - emotions, feelings, etc.
post #75 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zonie View Post
O.K, I am going to be the insensitive B**** here.
: You're doing a good job of it, I'll say that for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zonie View Post
No it isn't. He was scared to tell his mom because it is silly. He peed on the floor because he was afraid of the dark. Who wouldn't be afraid to admit that, much less a 12 year old boy. That is embarassment. Not fear of how mommy will react.

I think I have the right attitude here. I think everybody elses attitude is why a 12 year old boy would choose to pee on his own carpet. Maybe he thinks urine evaporates after it dries. But, eventually he will smell it himself. (well maybe not, my brothers room smelled like a locker, and he didn't notice)

This is a teenager, a junior high student, a boy who will be driving in four years. I think some level of responsibility is called for here. Society will not be kind to him, if this is "aww, poor kid was so afraid of his house that he chose to urinate next to his bed, rather than get up and turn on a light". Not that anybody would ever find out. But, the general attitude that it is OK, is what is going to cause him problems.

There may be more to the story that he hasn't told Mom about. But, if the story really is that he is too afraid to get out of bed, then I think he needs to find a new plan.

I am still holding out for my Sleep walking theory. Or some kind of cruel puberty thing that I don't know about.

I can't think of any reason why a "normal" 12 year old would choose to pee on his carpet, & I am so thankful for this kid that his mom doesn't have the heartless attitude that some of these posters have. I am so sad to see these things being posted at MDC. Just because our kids get older doesn't mean they stop deserving to be parented with love, attachment and respect.

I agree that he definitely sounds like he could be on the asperger spectrum, & that is not a fun place for a kid to be, as far as peers go. Kids can be cruel, that's for sure...

(Reading this thread, I know where some of them get it...)
post #76 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by sbm1001 View Post
Altair, I do need to get him re-evaluated but I have a deep mistrust for a lot of the medical community so I've not done that as of yet. I feel like they just want to medicate him & call it good, which I'm not okay with. I've felt for some time he's dealing with more than just ADHD but was trying to approach it differently than those in the medical field & his teachers & councelors were pushing for. I tried making dietary changes & "treating" him with herbs, but nothing seems to make an real impact.

I would love to hear how a 12 y.o. with Asperger's social issues would be treated. Asperger's isn't something I've looked in to or know too much about. I don't know about the social or sensory need being fulfilled, but I'm willing to consider anything & appreciate the guidance.

Shannon

I don't think it sounds like something medication would fix-- it sounds like he needs more social and behavioral therapy. That sounds so medical and harsh, but it can be 100% play therapy if you want.

As for what I would do with a 12 year old with Asperger's-like social issues-- I would start with Michelle Winner and her "social thinking" work. www.socialthinking.com for younger kids, i love RDI, but he's past that stage.

Winner does a good job of explaining social phenomenon to kids who just don't naturally pick it up... in a very gentle non-judgemenal way. She breaks down social interactions into very small parts, so that the child can actually see them work and not just be confused by the large picture.
post #77 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zonie View Post
Twelve year olds have enough common sense to turn on a light, look around the room and walk down the hallway.
I'm 26, 27 next month, and if my light switch wasn't where I could reach it while still in bed, there's no freaking way I'd get out of bed in the dark.
post #78 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by snarfywarning View Post

"I am too lazy to get up in the middle of night and use the bathroom"
Normal, healthy, nothing-else-going-on 12 year-olds are NEVER too lazy to walk into the bathroom. Something else (depression? medical problem? a severe need to get your attention?) is going on with this boy.
post #79 of 104
Quote:
Originally Posted by sbm1001 View Post

, & often heard my sexually abusive fathers voice whispering my name as I was drifting off to sleep, which would immediately startle me awake.

Please, please, please tell me that your son has never been left alone with this grandpa!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post #80 of 104
Just a gentle reminder of the Mothering philosophy...

Quote:
Effective discipline is based on loving guidance. It is based on the belief that children are born innately good and that our role as parents is to nurture their spirits as they learn about limits and boundaries, rather than to curb their tendencies toward wrongdoing. Effective discipline presumes that children have reasons for their behavior and that cooperation can be engaged to solve shared problems.
That quote from Peggy is part of the Gentle Discipline forum guidelines, but I think it applies here. Children make choices in an attempt to meet their needs, and our role as parents is to help them find better ways to meet those needs. Shaming children is not okay. Clearly peeing on the floor is not okay, but there are gentle, respectful ways to help solve that problem, and those are the ones we look for here.

Dar
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