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my mothers favourtism is killing me!

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 
I thought I had set boundaries. I thought they were being respected. I know she didnt like it but, hey, thems the breaks.

We're currently not talking since her blatent favourtism of my first ds. She loved my ex to a fault (- no wonder, they were both emotionally abusive to me) and ds1 was the first grandchild so I have no doubt theres a "bond" there, but really, what about the other grandkids? Right, I forgot, my skids arent really "mine", (even after 7 years, 6 of those with full custody) and my other 2 kids dont count since I "kept them from her". They were shy, I respected that and didnt force them to hug and kiss. Bad me, I suppose. :

So, I've told her to stay out of my kids and my life. Until she can be mature and follow some simple rules - like dont bring over an expensive gift for ds1 and nothing for anyone else.

I find out today, she's planning on getting ds1 another expensive electronic item gift for xmas. She wants my brother to pretend its from him. (he said no)
It makes me so sad. How can any human being think this way? How can she treat her daughter this way? Its like she's sacrificing relationships with 6 people so she can have one relationship on her terms. Its sickening. She wont even try to get to know my other children. Her GRANDCHILDREN!

Sigh. I want to cry, but just cant. I. just. dont. understand.


Some people just shouldnt have had kids.
Thanks for letting me vent.
post #2 of 21
Totally understand....I feel for you! What is with these women in our lives????
post #3 of 21
My mom was similar in the beginning, but things have turned around of late somehow. I don't know what switch flipped in her brain or whatever, but she is now accepting my oldest two as her grandchildren, and thinking of them right along with their baby sister (my first biochild).

mama. I am so sorry you're going through this. I completely understand the pain of seeing your children be hurt by others, especially by your own family. My heart goes out to you.
post #4 of 21


No advice, but I wanted to give you hugs!
post #5 of 21
Thread Starter 
Thank you all sooo much for the hugs and understanding. I love it here! :

Its sooo painful. I feel betrayed by my own mother. I never thought I'd have to protect my kids from my mom. Its just not right.

They're just kids! Great kids! Who could do that to innocent children?

I cried so hard in dh arms last nite. It was just the final straw.

Thank you so much for listening.
post #6 of 21
Thread Starter 
bit of an update....

My brother told our mom that he talked to me and how upset I was and he was at her putting him in the middle and her being so unfair. She stayed mad, said he should be loyal to her since she's his mother, I'm just his sister. Nice, huh?

Anyway, she still refused to get my other children gifts. Then she budges a little and says she'll get her "real" grandchildren gifts. (but of course, spending 3x as much on the fave one). My bro persists and says, you cant do that to the kids, its wrong. Buy all or nothing. And you have to call 'shenjall' and ask first. So, after badmouthing 3 of my kids (why oh why did he tell me ) one is a brat; one is f*in stupid; one is lazy and should be working. She agrees to give each a card and $20. My bro feels happy - he thinks he did the right thing. Which he did, he fought for my kids (he also yelled at her for calling them names and told her she's wrong - they're the best kids ever) to be treated "fairly". But its fake.

I'm inclined to tell her to f**k off. I dont want her gifts or anything. I hate how easily she could insult innocent children. I'm glad I know how she really feels, but it hurts so much. I'm crying too much right now, I have to go.
post #7 of 21
Shenjall,
That sucks. I don't understand how adults can behave that way towards children. I'm sorry.
post #8 of 21
Thread Starter 
Thank you for the hug. It means alot.
post #9 of 21
you obviously love all your children and it really shows.

i dont know what to say, your mother obviously loves your first child very much, but to do so so exclusively is very short sighted. and is actually dammaging to him, as the resentment from his siblings may deny him smething far more precious than fancy toys, a closeness with his siblings.

maybe you could explain it to her that way.

i dont understand how somebody could hurt children in that way either and i am sorry that it is hurting you so much.

sorry i hadnt read your update - i would definitely return the cards to sender, family life is hard work enough without introducing that sort of toxicity into it. surround yourselves with people who bring you up and not down.
post #10 of 21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shenjall View Post
bit of an update....

My brother told our mom that he talked to me and how upset I was and he was at her putting him in the middle and her being so unfair. She stayed mad, said he should be loyal to her since she's his mother, I'm just his sister. Nice, huh?

Anyway, she still refused to get my other children gifts. Then she budges a little and says she'll get her "real" grandchildren gifts. (but of course, spending 3x as much on the fave one). My bro persists and says, you cant do that to the kids, its wrong. Buy all or nothing. And you have to call 'shenjall' and ask first. So, after badmouthing 3 of my kids (why oh why did he tell me ) one is a brat; one is f*in stupid; one is lazy and should be working. She agrees to give each a card and $20. My bro feels happy - he thinks he did the right thing. Which he did, he fought for my kids (he also yelled at her for calling them names and told her she's wrong - they're the best kids ever) to be treated "fairly". But its fake.

I'm inclined to tell her to f**k off. I dont want her gifts or anything. I hate how easily she could insult innocent children. I'm glad I know how she really feels, but it hurts so much. I'm crying too much right now, I have to go.
Personally I would tell her what she can do with her gifts and cards and tell her to never, ever contact me again.

I have inlaw issues. But, the one thing I will always admire is that they don't leave out stepkids. Ever.
post #11 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Personally I would tell her what she can do with her gifts and cards and tell her to never, ever contact me again.
This is what has to be done. I have to protect my kids, and me. I wouldnt let my neighbour do it, so why is she allowed? Just b/c she gave birth to me? Not enough reason for me.
I've set boundaries in the past. She pouted but followed them. Now she seems to resent my skids for the boundaries, or something. She has such a "hate on" for these kids, I just dont know why. It seems to have gotten worse, too.

Sigh. The aftermath with my sibs, that should be fun. They have their own issues with her, but still seemed fueled by guilt.

ACk! They're just kids! Good kids! Awesome amazing become a better person for knowing them kids! If she would just get her head our of her a$$ she would fall madly in love with them too!

Vanessa, you're right, the other kids do resent him. Then he gets mad 'cause he's "left out" when they play. But she cant see anything past the tip of her own nose.

Thanks again for the replies.
post #12 of 21
i hope your family is more peaceful and content now that you are creating some distance from your mother.
post #13 of 21
post #14 of 21
I think it is awesome that you are standing up for your kids like that. My half-brother was completely favoured by his grandparents, and it hurt me deeply when I was little. I remember things like having to sit through Christmas gift-giving where my baby brother got checks for $200 and I got $20. I think their attitude also poisoned his feelings toward my mother, sister and I... whenever we would fight, he would come back to "you're not really part of the family", "it's not really your house", etc, etc. That hurt! I'm sure that setting boundaries with your mother will be hard, but I do think it is a very important thing to do.
post #15 of 21
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this from your mom. I understand how bewildering and hurtful it can be.

I have a strange situation with my whole blended/step family...the kids are my biological children...

1) My kids' paternal grandmother has ALWAYS favored my oldest, 13 yr old DS, over my youngest, 9 yr old DD. My son was always welcome to come and spend the night with the grandparents, but they often excluded my DD. She would by DD gifts and clothes, etc., but she would not have anything to do with her otherwise. Only after several confrontations and my absolute bottom-lining it for her (she would have NO part of DS's life until she could treat both children equally) did she finally understand that I meant business...I can't say that she finally came over to my way of thinking, but she at least began following the rules, and has since grown rather close to my DD. It took years.

The issue with the paternal grandmother was resolved shortly after I got married last year. And it seems I traded one grandmother issue for another:

2) I have been with my now-husband off and on for 15 years. He is not the biological father of my children, but he was there when my DS was born, and we were together for a couple of years after my DD was born, as well. His mother has known my children both since they were born. Since DH and I got married, she has remained distant and uninvolved with our lives for the most part...spending much time with DH's sister and her family, holidays include DH's sister's children, but not mine. For the most part, I can live with this. It's not too complicated. Except that I'm currently pregnant with my third child, my DH's first. I worry that MIL is going to be very attentive and concerned with the new baby, but still remain aloof and distant from her step-grands. I am not going to create problems where there aren't, but I can say here that I'm concerned about how it's all going to pan out.

Of course, DH and I plan on moving our family in about a year and a half to a city about 4 hours away, so I don't think we'll have to worry much.
post #16 of 21
Thread Starter 
Thank you for the hugs and words of support.

Setting boundaries with my mom isnt hard - I started to do it a long time ago. I had to for my own sanity. I need to cut her out completely. The boundaries werent working. I thought they were, but she seems to be....rebelling? Can I use this word here?

Cutting her out is going to cause conflict with my sis and bro. I am optimistic that we can work it out. (well, mostly)

You know, she's treated me like crap for so long, I just dont care anymore. I've accepted the fact she will never be the mom I want/need. I forgive her for all the wrongs. I thought things were okay with the kids. I thought the boundaries were helping, and they were for a while. But she seems to be fighting sooo hard on this favouring 1 ds and really hating my others. Well, indifferent to my 2 bio kids and hating my skids. And thats what hurts. Do what you want to me, but dont do this to my kids, YK? The one statement of , "they're not your kids, what do you care if I badmouth them?!

Argh! They are my kids! I care b/c they are! And why would you badmouth innocent kids?! Sheesh. And blame them for everything! They're just kids!

I know, I keep repeating myself. I'm sorry. Bottom line, she's out.

cjanelles, . Why do people think that its okay to do that? I hope youre wrong about your mil. I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya!
post #17 of 21
wow. She is definitely a toxic force in your entire family's lives. I would either cut her out (at least for a long time) or insist that she see a therapist with you (and continue on her own).

I'm so sorry
post #18 of 21
Since you've made the choice to cut her out (which I completely agree with BTW) maybe you could call your siblings and just let them know ahead of time. Give them the reasons and whatnot and hope your relationship will survive.

I don't have any step-kids, nor does my dh, but two of his siblings married people with kids. My MIL while talking about dh's brother (G) and his family will say "G's two sons and S's two sons." S is his wife! She has FOUR sons. But MIL makes the distinction. No one else does, just her. G and S have been married since the boys were 6 and 3 and both boys call G dad (their bio dad is in the Navy and staioned away from them. They see him every summer for 2 weeks but thats about it.) I don't get it at all and I know it pisses S off.
post #19 of 21
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Since you've made the choice to cut her out (which I completely agree with BTW) maybe you could call your siblings and just let them know ahead of time. Give them the reasons and whatnot and hope your relationship will survive.
Thats a great idea! I think I will. Now the fun part of bringing it up.

Dh and I are currently seeing a family therapist, (ds has a behavioural disorder) and she's wonderful. I've brought up my toxic mother before, she's aware of the history. I'll be sure to bring up this part, again, next time we go.
post #20 of 21
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I feel for you and all of your children. It must be so hard for you ds 1 when he realizes he's the favorite and is causing pain to his siblings. I bet that brings some pretty strong guilt to him...

I also can't believe how hard it must be for the children she chooses to hate/ignore. Poor kids!

You are doing the right thing in my opinion. As a Mother it must be so hard to take your own Mother out of your lives but, I comend you for doing the right thing and not taking the easy way out.
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