hi, I just wanted to say that i too suffer from PPD or maybe post traumatic stress...My son is now 10 months old. I am so scared that his birthday will be a sad day is so many ways...even just saying that makes me feel somehow like a bad mom for not sensoring my feelings about his birth....
some background....i was two weeks to a month "late" from the due date, and i had a planned homebirth (we live in alabama, and it is not exactly accepted here
) So anyways we had one ultrasound at 22 weeks and everything was fine, but i was in labor for over 30 hours, my baby's heartrate was not right somehow. I labored to 10 and pushed, but he wasnt coming out...his head turned (and looking back on it, i dont know if i really felt the urge to push or if i was just pushing because i was ready to have my baby in my arms) anyways my water was still intact and we chose to go to the hospital. our midwife planely said "i am her midwife" and from that point on we were treated like trash....like we didnt have feelings. I refused to sign papers consenting for the hospital to do whatever they felt necessary, but the gave me pitosin without my consent and when the contractions were burning they offered me an epidural. I was in the shower with scorching hot water on me and i accepted the epidural b/c i was so exhausted i was trying to fall asleep in b/t the contractions. They broke my water. The next day at 11:25 my son was born via c/sec. he was beautiful. we love him so much. I saw him for a second and smelled his head and i think kissed him. Then they took him away and wouldnt let me or my husband hold him or get "too close" they gave him immunizations and told us that they would call child services if we didnt consent to the immunizations and preventative antibiotics. I wouldnt let them give him a bottle or formula so they gave him an IV because they wouldnt let me nurse him. They told us that our child wasnt in our best interest, and then we found out he had a heart problem. Tetrallogy of Fallot. they told us he might die. we were so devasted, shocked, and tired. we flew to atlanta and the docs were very considerate. My son had open heart surgery 6 months later, and now he is fine. he is so wonderful. I just hate having to pretend i dont "feel" anything. also my body doesnt work like it should. I hurt when i move a lot, and sex is not what is once was or should be(TMI sorry
) i feel scared to ever plan another homebirth although i desperately mourn that experience...not just for myself, but for my husband and son also. I also feel like i am not capable of having that birth, and i feel so nieve and also betrayed by people i trusted...midwife, doctors,ect. I also feel like my reality is much different as a mother than i expected, and we have to do things with our son we never thought we would...antibiotics....whatever....I just feel desperate, but my son is such a blessing, such a wonderful blessing. Thanks for letting me get that our and not judging me! i pray for each of you and your families. take care, and much love