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read it, crit it, whateva!

post #1 of 3
Thread Starter 
i just want to post the poem i am working on. it is an imitation of William Carlos Williams' "To Elsie" , so if you are familiar with that poem you will see peices of it in mine. Its for a class assignment. but since it is about a mother, i needed to post it! i didnt even realize this forum was here until tonight. i thought this forum was only a writing group with a specific focus. anyway here is my poem. i am used to taking criticism, so its ok if you wanna hack away at it. cuz i feel like its got problems anyway.

---------------------
Or Else


The deranged mind of a woman
is layered
in the fine traces of her skin—

her body makes a cool subject
for our art
and that’s all, just like before

at fifteen, sent out to work in
some crap job
in the BX serving ice cream to the military

and saving cockroaches in pint cups
below
the pop of fighter jets—

but predestiny needs no announcements
her mind
will sink into the folds

or something will quietly transcend
redundancy
and compound her life, guide her

beyond veteran stepfathers and
naïve
boyfriends that press her

to again bring in the sensical groceries
sensual
items resting softly in their bags due to lists—

in the future we imagine a young deer family
wanders
slowly in and out of the yard

as if the fence around the house
were the remnant
of some hedge

and we made it to replace
the coarseness
of leaving—

this woman’s resolution
raises
her sleeping son from the car

and the closeness of the earth
somehow
threatens to crush us all—

it is only in the briefest glances
anything
appears different,

or else this woman’s languid arms
dissolve
repeatedly into history’s neck.
post #2 of 3
Or Else


The deranged mind of a woman
is layered
in the fine traces of her skin—

Beautiful

her body makes a cool subject
for our art
and that’s all, just like before

I'm not crazy about this stanza

at fifteen, sent out to work in
some crap job
in the BX serving ice cream to the military

delete "some" - use "a"

and saving cockroaches in pint cups
below
the pop of fighter jets—

but predestiny needs no announcements
her mind
will sink into the folds

or something will quietly transcend
redundancy
and compound her life, guide her

beyond veteran stepfathers and
naïve
boyfriends that press her

to again bring in the sensical groceries
sensual
items resting softly in their bags due to lists—

I like this image, but got hung up on "groceries" - doesn't flow well

in the future we imagine a young deer family
wanders
slowly in and out of the yard

as if the fence around the house
were the remnant
of some hedge

and we made it to replace
the coarseness
of leaving—

I would delete the "we"s in these two stanzas. It reads fine without them and introduces/invites the reader in too late in the poem.

this woman’s resolution
raises
her sleeping son from the car

and the closeness of the earth
somehow
threatens to crush us all—

the "us" makes me stop here

it is only in the briefest glances
anything
appears different,

or else this woman’s languid arms
dissolve
repeatedly into history’s neck.[/QUOTE]

I love it. It is beautiful.
post #3 of 3
These two verses stand out because they are not uniform. The rest of the poem is long line, short line, long line. Then these two descend in length.

Quote:
as if the fence around the house
were the remnant
of some hedge

and we made it to replace
the coarseness
of leaving—
Overall, I love the peice. It is original, honest, and written in a unique style and sincere tone with a very fitting choice of words.
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