Thank you, ladies. All your responses are very helpful. I did have a serious talk with DH today, and even managed to keep calm through the entire conversation (it was over the phone which is always easier for me). It helped to have had your input, and just seeing my own words on "paper" made me think more clearly, so I was clear in what I found unacceptable in his behavior. DH promised to give my DD a break - and so far (today), he has.
I also wrote a letter to a person who is both his friend and a rabbi, and happens to be very wise and knowledgeable and has a happy family. He lives in a different city, so we don't have much contact with him, but DH respects him and values his opinion. I essentially told him the same thing, asking for advice. He's known my DH since they were kids. Maybe, if he chooses to, he might have a conversation with my DH and DH might listen to him. But even the fact of telling it to him made me realize that I am not alone, I have someone to turn to.
Wow, this is one eventful day for me. After agonizing for years about telling anyone "my dirty little secret", here I am, talking with you ladies on this forum, and this is just great. Thanks, and I mean it!
BTW, to reply to some of the posts, I do step in every time to defend my daughter, and that usually doesn't help, just escalates the arguments in the house; and I do try to let her know (when we are alone) that I love her and do not agree with whatever was said by her step-father.