Anyone else's birth not turn out as wanted?

[AllisonR]

As I read through the posts, there are so many of you that write of your joyful experience, birthing a 9, 10 or 11lb baby in 4, 8 or 10 hours.... in the comfort of your home.

That was supposed to be me too. Instead I had another malpositioned baby (posterior back labor and star-gazing instead of chin tucked in). So after 17 hours of labor (5 of it trying to push her over a cervical lip) I ended up with another cesarean.

I am not crushed. I tried EVERYTHING to change her position and get her out, with the full support of DH, my friend and my midwives. And when I transfered to the hospital, I knew it was the end of my limits and the right decision.

But it still makes me so sad. I do not mean to discredit any other proud mammas out there. I am happy you have all had such great experiences, and love reading your accounts, as it shows how powerful our bodies are. I just wonder, while crying, why I could not do it too? Why didn't my baby and my body do what was needed?

[buffybutt]

Oh hunny, I am so sorry that you are haveing a rough time. Im sure this is easier said then done but you should be PROUD of yourself. I know people that opt for c sections because it is convient and they dont want to deal with the pain. You did everything that you could to get your little angel out. Sometimes our bodies have different plans for us and the stars know that our little ones have different plans too. I tried pushing my little man out over a lip and it doesnt work, at all.

Be proud of yourself and gentle to your thoughts, you need to grieve that you didnt get the birth that you wanted and its okay to grieve that.

Hugs to you,
Angie

[BathrobeGoddess]

yes...I'm having a hard time with it, too.

[Mrs_Hos]

I'm so sorry mamas!
I had an 'ok' birth with dc #1, but I was tormented over what I could've done better...this birth was my healing birth...I can still see ways I could've improved tho....
I know our bodies do their best...adn are very strong and able to birth babies...but sometimes our babe's have other ideas...biology isn't always exact. In both of your situations, you did what was best--the benefits of modern medicine is for situations like this--without it, we would have more still born babes!
I'm so thankful for medicine to help in situations like this, and I hope one day you can work through this hard birth/time.
I'm sorry mamas...I wish I could say something to make you feel better! BIG HUGS TO YOU!

[eccomi]

I'm with you, but in a different situation, as I haven't yet given birth. It's my first pregnancy and he turned breech at the last moment. I am so uneasy about the way this could go...I know I can refuse a cesarean and my OB is skilled at vaginal breech births (although she refuses to do them anymore). I feel like I just got over not being able to birth the way I was planning (birth center with my midwife, going home afterwards). But I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to insist on a vaginal birth and will be upset with myself afterwards. I just can't reconcile what seem like two VERY different birth experiences and what would be my role in each. And I'm nervous about recovery from surgery. In fact, I haven't read any birth stories, because I need to focus on my own for now I think...
But we do need to accept our grief over birth not going as planned. I can't stand when people tell me a healthy baby is all that matters- I know that, and yet it's not entirely true. I think you say it right, Bathrobe Goddess- it's all about healing little by little...

[sunshine*girl]

Allison and BR, you two are deep in my thoughts and are going to be one of the things that keeps me going on my quest for a VBAC.

I haven't had this baby yet but things so far have not gone as I would like-tomorrow I go to talk induction after some tests. It would be SO much easier to just give up and go for the section that I could very very easily have by Tuesday at the latest. And it is starting to look appealing even though for the last oh, 38 weeks I've been dreaming about a successful VBAC.

Knowing that you tried everything you could do needs to be the most important aspect of the birth in your mind. You, the baby, or your body did not fail you. It just wasn't time and people always say that higher powers (whatever/whoever you believe in) never gives you more than you can handle and there is always a bigger plan. And it doesn't always make sense.

To me the most important thing Allison (BG I haven't read your story yet) in your story is that you put your baby first and realized when things just weren't going to happen the way you had hoped and planned and were strong enough to admit you needed medical intervention.

Give yourself time to heal and try to remember that you did everything you could, please don't fall into the trap of self doubt.

[ladybugchild77]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way - I had a really, really rough and traumatic labor and birth with my first dd and know how hard it can be to get over things not going the way you wanted. BUT - I am so glad that you and your baby are OK -- I am proud of you for listening to your instincts and trusting yourself enough to go and get the help you needed to bring your beautiful child into the world. I wish I could say more to make you feel better...congrats on your new babe and HUGS!!!

[KIMBER1983]

HUGS

I cannot relate as my labor was very smooth. Although it was all Back labor.
Sorry you are feeling down about how things went.

[Blucactus]

Originally Posted by AllisonR

As I read through the posts, there are so many of you that write of your joyful experience, birthing a 9, 10 or 11lb baby in 4, 8 or 10 hours.... in the comfort of your home.

That was supposed to be me too. Instead I had another malpositioned baby (posterior back labor and star-gazing instead of chin tucked in). So after 17 hours of labor (5 of it trying to push her over a cervical lip) I ended up with another cesarean.

I am not crushed. I tried EVERYTHING to change her position and get her out, with the full support of DH, my friend and my midwives. And when I transfered to the hospital, I knew it was the end of my limits and the right decision.

But it still makes me so sad. I do not mean to discredit any other proud mammas out there. I am happy you have all had such great experiences, and love reading your accounts, as it shows how powerful our bodies are. I just wonder, while crying, why I could not do it too? Why didn't my baby and my body do what was needed?

I'm with you. I wanted a natural labor & after laboring 23 hours w/my water broken, puking my brains out, horrendous back labor, OB up to his elbows in me trying to turn the baby who was face up the whole time (and big--turns out he was 9 lb), stuck at 7 cm & not allowed to push yet for FIVE HOURS, refusing an epi the whole time, I was finally told I could get an epi and try to push in a few hours and 10% chance baby might come out, since remember he was face up, OR I could just have a CS now. I hadn't slept in three days and was so weak and sick I just let them do the CS. Fortunately my baby boy was worth every moment. But---yeah, you're not alone with your story.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by Blucactus

I'm with you. I wanted a natural labor & after laboring 23 hours w/my water broken, puking my brains out, horrendous back labor, OB up to his elbows in me trying to turn the baby who was face up the whole time (and big--turns out he was 9 lb), stuck at 7 cm & not allowed to push yet for FIVE HOURS, refusing an epi the whole time, I was finally told I could get an epi and try to push in a few hours and 10% chance baby might come out, since remember he was face up, OR I could just have a CS now. I hadn't slept in three days and was so weak and sick I just let them do the CS. Fortunately my baby boy was worth every moment. But---yeah, you're not alone with your story.

Blucactus - that was exactly my story! (OK, homebirth, so I was happy most of the time) but the back labor from posterior babe, big baby over 9lbs, stuck at 7cm with a cervical lip and 5 hours of pushing! Freaky! But I did push and it didn't help, she wouldnt get over that lip. My guess is if you had a lip then pushing wouldn't have helped you either. We can only do our best. I am glad your DS is OK.