So hard and so worried

[RosesToys]

I went to another DDC and read a couple of posts I shouldn't have. One of them wasn't even labelled to warn me what it contained. The other one did tell you not to read if you weren't strong, but stupid me continued. I didn't need those images and those stories in my mind now.

I was due on Thanksgiving Day. I have been so paranoid throughout this pregnancy. I have a friend who lost her baby last year at 32-33 weeks and that has really haunted me. Things got so bad last Friday that I was considering inducing just to stop worrying. I'm only feeling the baby move several times a day.

My mom died on November 2nd. We thought she was in good health until late August! I thought that she would be with us for another 20-30 years. I miss her so.

She had metastatic cancer. Mom and Dad flew from Oklahoma to California the week before she passed away. She had several problems due to the cancer, but I was amazed by how well she was doing. I was hoping that perhaps she could beat the odds, even though they were extremely slim. When she died it was a huge shock to all of us that it happened so suddenly.

Since mom's cancer dx I am having such a hard time trusting in anything. I feel like God is so cruel. How could he do this! How can I trust in my body's ability to birth this baby? I want to do this with no drugs. I've regretted the epidural I had with dd for 5 years! But I am so terrified that something will go wrong and the baby will die. I'm not even having ctx that are painful now. I had prodromal labor from 35 1/2 weeks on with dd so the fact that nothing is going on now seems really strange. My Ob seems to think everything is fine. I went to see my doula to listen to the baby's heartbeat with her doppler on Friday because I hadn't felt but one movement all day!

This is just so hard now.

[darsmama]

Hey mama,
I am not in your ddc but I wanted to chime in.

I am really, very sad to hear about the loss of your mom. That has to be adding so much emotional stress right now that I can only imagine.
Its easy to get all philisophical about the life and death, circle of life when you arent first hand experiancing the grief and worry. So I will just say that
Your baby will come soon, and may he or she bring your the relief and undeserved joy that you deserve.

Much love to you,
Katie

[MiamiMami]

I am so sorry to hear about your Mother I lost my mother 13 years ago to breast cancer.

Try to stay away from reading the sad stuff. I do that too. We are really vulnerable right now and that could negatively affect our labor experience. Try to stick to www.empoweredchildbirth.com.

Hang in there Mama. Our babies will be here soon.

[Helen White]

I was in a very similar place to you earlier this month, and I really feel for you. I have not lost my mom as you have, but I have had many life experiences that make it very difficult for me to relax and trust that things will be all right. I've also read loss stories I should have avoided, and more than one of my friends unexpectedly lost her baby shortly before or during my pregnancy. And my baby had Single Umbilical Artery, which is associated with other defects 20-50% of the time, and I was worried something would turn out to be wrong with my baby upon birth. I was due on Nov 4th, and my other babies had both come before their due dates. This pregnancy went much longer, and as the days and weeks stretched on, I became more and more stressed and anxious. I didn't want an induction but couldn't stand the thought that my baby might die before she was born. I was checking for movement constantly and was crying every day. I woke up in the morning at 42 weeks, 3 days, at 4 am, and immediately began my stressed, worried thoughts. I was asking myself, "what if there's something wrong with me and I just CAN'T go into labor?" And then I realized I was laying in a puddle of amniotic fluid.

I was holding my 11 pound baby girl less than 12 hours later. I had been concerned about my ability to have an unmedicated birth in a hospital environment (I had managed an unmedicated birth last time, but I'd labored in the comfort of my own home for the majority of the labor, something that wasn't possible for me this time). I'd also been concerned I'd be at higher risk for c-section, as big as this baby was. But I was able to have that unmedicated, vaginal birth, despite the hospital setting.

If there's one thing I've learned from all this, it's that every pregnancy really is different. So if you can, try not to worry that this pregnancy isn't following the course that your previous one took and to remind yourself that the odds are SO strongly in your favor that everything is going to be just fine with this one. If it would make you feel better about not feeling as much movement, you might consider getting a non-stress test, as those do an excellent job of predicting when babies will be fine for the next several days (although they do sometimes indicate something is wrong when it isn't). But I'll bet you'll be holding your healthy baby any day now!

[starlein26]

Oh sweetie...

Life's a real b!tch. I have no words to make it feel better or take away your worry but I understand. You'll be holding your baby real soon!!

[lilysmama1124]

Hey mama just wanted to let you know that I had really bad anxiety throughout my whole pg and even thought of inducing right at the end just so she could be out and I would know she was okay. I had a big decrease in movement during the last weeks too but that is normal. Lily was born on Friday adn very healthy. Trust your body-it knows what to do and when. your little one will be with you soon. Hang in there!

[KIMBER1983]

I also had bad anxiety through out my pregnancy...thinking "please let this baby be born healthy and without any problems". I worried alot near the end when i was overdue..hoping the baby would not be stillborn.
Trust your body. Your baby will be here soon.
*Hugs*

Sorry for the loss of your mom.

[twogreencars]

I know EXACTLY how you feel! I spent the last month of my pregnancy reading things I shouldn't...often on the October board...very sad stories, and ones which made me worry A LOT as I went week by week after my "due date". I confessed this to my MW and she told me to STOP reading this stuff and read Ina May Gaskin instead and lent it to me. I read nice birth story after nice birth story and went into labour 4 hours later! No problems, no complications, nothing!