DS's Feelings Hurt

[mom2august]

My 4 year old has started preschool this year and has really loved it. I have not been so crazy about it due to large class size (19 kids to 2 teachers) and several other issues, but because DS likes it and has seemed to have made some friends it has worked for us. DS is a very spirited and active boy who does have some impulse control issues. Not so out of the ordinary for a boy his age but it seems the other boys in his class are not this way and often tell my son that they don't like him and he is not their friend. DS just told me this and said how sad it made him and that he cried at school. I can understand that the other kids may not understand his attempts at playing because he is more active and loud and also his speech is not as good as other kids,but their cruel words are far more concerning than my son knocking over their blocks. What do I say to DS about this? I have suggested he play with other kids who do not say these things but he seems to be fascinated with these particular boys. DS is really so sweet and innocent, not perfect I know, but does try to be kind to others. The teachers have not said anything to me about this and part of me wantds him to work it out the best he can before I get involved. The other part of me is concerned that the teachers and kids may think it is OK to say such things because DS has been too physical at times. This is part of who he is and while I want him to learn appropriate ways of interaction, I don't want him to be punished for being who he is while these boys are allowed to say mean things in response. Any ideas?

[blsilva]

Hello! I read your post, and it sounded so familiar to me. My ds is 4yo, and started preschool this year. He, too, had some trouble at first because he is a very outgoing, physically affectionate, somewhat impulsive little guy. He does not really get the whole idea of personal space, boundaries, etc. He just wants to go up and hug somebody, or grab their hand and drag them over to play eith him, which does not work well with other kids . Some of the kids were telling him that he was bad, or that they did not want to be friends with him. We actually moved him to a different school (for other reasons) and realized that he made friends much easier there because the teachers would take kids over to where he was playing and help them all start playing together. Having someone to help them get started really helped all the kids get used to each other without rubbing the wrong way, yk?
Not that you should change schools! If your ds seems happy there otherwise, maybe you could explain the situation to the teachers, and ask for them to help your ds begin learn to enter a group and make friends?
Also, another thing that helped us was role-playing. We made it a game, where I would pretend to be a potential friend, and he would try to play with me. He could learn some good ways to enter a group and play, without the pressure of the other kids being there.

[sarasprings]

I only have a sec, but my son is similar, but way more physical (we just had him assessed by the special ed committee and he is now classified as a preschooler with disabilities and he will get help with peer interaction). It is very stressful, but the teachers are wonderful and try to intervene before something happens (he hits instead of talking, often).

From reading your post, it sounds like he may be getting excited and doesn't know how to "be" with other children. The teachers should be helping him. Role playing is good, too. Are there any playgroups at your library or can you go to the playground? If so, you can sort of narrate how children interact with each other. Or, you could try to set up a playdates with some of those children so your son and others can get to know each other.

For the first time today (it's my son's second year of preschool), a friend came in, looked for him, and ran over to play. It just brought tears to my eyes because what is so normal for other children isn't for him.

[sarasprings]

Just wanted to add that you should make sure the teachers know what is going on and that you don't think it is okay. You don't want him to become the person these children are saying he is.

[tboroson]

I feel that, especially at this young age, it is a major duty of the teachers to be observing and guiding the social interactions of the children. If they're not aware that this is happening, or worse, seeing it and allowing it to happen on purpose, you've got a problem. I do think you need to bring it up with the teachers. If they pass it off as, "Your kid's got a problem, he has to figure it out himself..." run. A child does not learn any meaningful social habits through humiliation and ostricization. A child who needs more help, needs more help. He doesn't need to be thrown to the wolves.

[CurlyTop]

I agree with PPs that the kids in your DS's preschool all need help learning to play together. All kids, not just in your school. The teachers need to help those who don't appreciate your DS's behavior to express that in an acceptable way, like, "Please play gently with me," or, "I'd like to play alone right now." They are being underserved by being allowed to say he's bad and excluding him. And your DS should have the teachers' help in joining play. They could suggest he play with another child who likes the kind of play your son likes. Above all, they should not shame or blame your DS. He is 4 and is learning. He is a good boy and wants to get along well. He's doing his very best.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. Here's some courage for you to talk to the teachers and advocate for your son: