Bullying

[Jyotsna]

My son is in fourth grade and has experienced bullying a couple of times in his school career. Recently he has been bullied by a child I will call "Mike", and I have asked the teacher to keep this child out of my son's seating arrangement because of the bullying. The child has been gone on a two weeks suspension from school for bullying other kids (including my son) and for insubordination with the teachers and cafeteria workers. He is an absolute nightmare. I have experienced his "fresh" approach to adults, and it takes alot of tack and maturity to interact with this child in a positive way. I don't know how the teacher is doing it every day in and out, but she does manage.

Yesterday when I picked up my kids from school, Ravi told me that "Mike" is back in his seating arrangement again, and continuing to bully him. The teacher is somehow overlooking this and I am bewildered by this. At one point she told me that Ravi needs to learn how to deal with others, and on the other hand, this kid is threatening my son. I even had to rethink my approach to violence when Ravi told me that the kid was about to hit him one day when the teacher walked up. I told Ravi that if the kid hits him, he needs to hit the kid back, and be sure to call for adult help BEFORE he punches the kid. Honestly, I want to encourage my son to get along too, and he should focus on that in most situations, but I don't think my son is responsible for balancing bullying in the classroom, lunchroom and playground, when the child has obviously been suspended for the same behaviour.

Words of wisdom?
I plan to talk to the teacher today, so I need some answers quick. (btw, my son is from India, he wears glasses (visually impaired) and is short). I feel bad for him, and I want to guide him in the right direction, and I am very opposed to him hitting another child...but I don't know what to do now.

Jyotsna

[USAmma]

Hi Jyotsna! I don't have much experience with this issue, but I hope it gets better for him soon. Just wanted to say hello.

[kathymuggle]

Some ideas, and sorry for the point form, but it is night and i need to get off the internet, lol

-document any problems
-find out if your school has a safe schools policy/anti-bullying policy - I am certain they do and should try to make school safe for your son
-encourage son to speak up assertively, not agressively, for himself. Humour sometimes works.
-if speaking up does not work, report incidents to teachers (preferably with a friend as "witness") and to you, for your documentation
- let your son know he is not alone - many children are bullied.
-do internet research - there is some useful info out there
-put requests in writing - it is much harder to ignore.
-talk to the principal, or cc the letter you give to the teacher to the principal. A seat request change is easy - I am not sure why they are not doing it???

Good luck!

[Redifer]

I would take it to the principal. I would voice my concerns that my dc is having a hard time learning/concentrating when some other kid is bullying. Ask for a seat request change, or even, a class change. Preferrably for the bully, as I don't see why your son should have to leave his classroom for doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Occasionally, having an attorney speak with the bullies parents will work. If your school doesn't have the anti-bully/safety policies, insist that they be put in place.

*Coming from someone extensively bullied during high school/jr high*

[aywilkes]

I don't have good advice on this either but my son has definitely been bullied. I used to tell him to just use his words, be assertive, tell an adult. Unfortunately, with bullies they just keep coming back for more. For example, just last week this kid says to my son that "you backed down, you backed down", after my DS told him he is not interested in fighting. I so want my ds to hit this boy - : It just pisses me off b/c teachers aren't typically able to protect your child all the time no matter what kind of policies are in place and it is stressful for me and my child for him to be scared of someone.

[meowee]

I can tell you what I wish my parents had done when I was bullied--- threaten a lawsuit. Not just against the school, but the child's family. I bet that if you tell the school you are considering litigating the situation, things will change quickly.

Unfortunately this is one of the only things that will move a bureaucracy to action.

[Blooming]

Does the child Bullying have an expereinced person to help him learn how to solve his problems in a more healthy way?

Yes we all need to learn how to problem solve, but children need a concious loving PATIENT adult to mirrior how to do so.

The teacher can't just suspend this child and think it will stop. she needs to get to the root of the problem and give him the emotional tools to deal with it.

Perhaps if their was such a person both children could learn how to care (physically and emotionally) for themselves when put in such a position.

I'm sorry you're ds is going through this, my ds is also currently struggling with lots of issues and it is heartbreaking.

[Jyotsna]

Thanks for your replies. First, the bullying got worse and another child joined in. The first child said, "Your going to have sex with (GF) and your going to be naked on the bed" (and went into more details about body parts that I almost couldn't get my son to share them!). I approached the teacher and asked for the child to be moved from my son's group. She spoke with me for a few seconds and literally turned her back to me. I was so upset. I then called her and said, "I think we got off on the wrong side here and I would like to talk to you on the phone". She never called me but the next day she invited my so to have lunch in her class, and she got all the details from him about the bullying situation. She then had a shut down where she discussed with her class that it is against policy to talk about sex or use sexual content to bully other children. She told them she wouldn't accept more, and would follow the rules on consequenses. I never heard from the teacher however.

The same day this second child said to my son in line, "Does your mom know you are gay?". Ravi innocently answered, "NO", to which this child blew it all out of proportion and said Ravi was gay.

I sat down with Ravi that night and taught him how to file an official complaint with the school (and even school board) and he filed it the next day (including a copy of the school rules on bullying particularly to sexual comments) and we stapled them together. He gave it to his teacher for some reason and she walked him to the office. At the office the other children were brought in, and were given consequenses, and the Principal strongly admonished the kids involved, and also told Ravi in front of them, that if he ever has any problems again with them, to let her know.

I was happy about that. However, one of the kids (a immigrant from Africa) told Ravi that his dad was going to beat his "asz" and he was terrified. Ravi was very upset that his actions may result in this. While I empathized with this child and worried about him (he did return the next day) I reminded Ravi that he can never let these types of comments stop him from stopping bullying.

At this point, there have been no further problems, and alot of kids in the class are happy Ravi took this step.

Jyotsna

[Blooming]

Hugs to you mama. It's so great that you taught you're ds how to stand up for himself.

[philomom]

Go to the principal. Things can get done. If the principal is no help ask to speak to his/her supervisor. Most counties now have a strong anti-bully policy that they are supposed to take very seriously.

Do you know the other child's parents? If you put a little pressure on this kid from the home side, things might get better for your child.

Take care and stick with this. Also, read some books with your son about "targets". My son unknowingly was sending out "target" vibes and he was able to correct those things about himself to help matters.