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When natural consequenses have negative consequences for the rest of the family - Page 2

post #21 of 85
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EnviroBecca View Post
Prevention: In the moment after DD2 had taken a bite of DD1's toast, and the toast intended for DD2 was still untouched, I would have said, "Whoops! I guess THIS one is yours!" and switched the plates. Unless, that is, DD1 thinks it's very important to have her toast whole instead of cut in quarters.
I tried that. She wouldn't eat the toast because it had been cut into quarters. I felt like that was legit which is why I didn't try to convince her to eat that piece. Why didn't I feel like her sister's touching her toast was a legit reason to not want to eat it? Dunno. In the moment I just didn't.

I find GD works in theory so great. Then you're in a situation where "logical consequenses" lead to even worse logical consequenses -- hungry, tantruming child leads to more tantrums! What's a mama to do?!?! Just realize my home is the real world, not a parenting book. And it's OK to make mistakes so long as apolgies and forgiveness are exchanged later. I'm a black and white thinker, though. Which leads me to want to translate book theory into the real world. There are just too many grey areas in parenting to do that, though. I think one of you mamas already gave me similar advice.

Can I also just say that tantrums suck? Esp now that she's getting older. My tolerance for them is waning. She's mature so much of the time. So when she does have a tantrum I'm caught off guard, and I expect her to behave like someone who is older than she actually is because she so often does!

Y'all rock. My fears of posting here now seem unfounded and have evaporated.
post #22 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by aprildawn View Post
Like I said, mistake #1 was feeding them in the living room in front of the TV instead of in the dining room. Mistake #2 was in how I communicated to her about trying to convince her to eat the toast her sister had taken a bite of. She obviously thought I was going to force her to eat that piece. I could have been more clear. But I couldn't change either of those, and it led to her tantrum. However she was responsible for choosing to have a tantrum and not listen to me or her dad.
When I have a situation like that (where it was my bad decision that lead to the meltdown/situation) I just do what I can to fix my mistake. ie. if my kid is having a tantrum in the store, when it's me who tried to sqeeze the trip in when it's really nap time- we leave the store and go home. In the case of the toast, I would have simply made another piece and sat the girls down at the kitchen table and sort of started over. I would probably talk to her about the screaming and throwing out the food a little later when the tension wasnt't so high, and she could really have a conversation. Trying to reason or impose consequences upon a child mid-tantrum doesn't usually go well
Of course there is the fact that much of the time I don't really realize how it all went down and the fact that it was really my fault until later in hindsight. In which case, I chalk it up to learning what to do next time.
post #23 of 85
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ibex67 View Post
I just want to thank the OP for posting this situation and all the wise mamas who replied. A lot of what was said was just what I needed to be reminded of.

thanks bunches

and i find myself extremely curious as to what folks' cinnamon toast recipes are as mine is ridiculously simple. [buttered toast sprinkled with cinnamon sugar.]

You're welcome!

OK -- my "recipe" -- it's not all that complicated. Just you gotta toast the bread and wait for that to happen. Then you gotta butter the toast. And I use real butter so it doesn't spread easily so you gotta wait 4 seconds while it softens on the hot toast. Then I sprinkle sugar and cinnamon on it. I don't have mine pre-mixed so all that extra work of sprinkling on two whole ingredients. Plus, everything had already been put away and I just didn't want to get it back out. See, quite an ordeal, huh?

Like someone suggested, I would have had her do it herself (supervised) but that would have taken even longer and made a mess which someone (ME!!) would have to clean up.

As I've realized here through my processing with you ladies, it all stemmed from me just not wanting to be bothered. I felt like, "I've made them food, they're watching TV, now I can sit and drink my coffee." But, Nooooooo, there had to be toast drama! I was disappointed and frustrated. But I'm the stinking grown up, so I'm stuck having to act like one. What a maturing process becoming a mama is.

Maybe I should make a poster for the house which says "It's not about the toast" as a reminder to chill out about stupid stuff.
post #24 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by aprildawn View Post
I offered to make her whatever else she wanted, but no cinnamon toast. She refused to eat anything else.
See, it is punishment because she is NOT saying I am not going to do anything complicated, its ANYTHING else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmama View Post
That's interesting.

I just cannot see myself going back into the kitchen and getting out all the ingredients to make another batch of cinnamon toast.
post #25 of 85
Reading only the OP...

No idea how old your DDs are, but DD2 should be spoken to about respecting DD1's space, KWIM? I think you did ok for not knowing how best to handle it right then! But I probably would have had DD2 make DD1 more toast for "ruining" the first one and spoken to DD1 about how its ok for families to share germs with permission (if you so believe that), and not to waste food.
post #26 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by aprildawn View Post
Maybe I should make a poster for the house which says "It's not about the toast" as a reminder to chill out about stupid stuff.
I LOVE this!!!!!
post #27 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmama View Post
That's interesting.

I just cannot see myself going back into the kitchen and getting out all the ingredients to make another batch of cinnamon toast. I just wouldn't choose to do that under most circumstances. I'd be sorry about the toast, and happy to point ds towards remaining foods he could eat. But failing to replacing the toast would not be something extra I did to punish ds.

Kind of like~if ds breaks a toy, am I punishing him if I fail to replace the toy?

This is always an interesting issue to me, because my own view changes based on small differences in attitude and intention.

Which is straying I suppose from our piece of cinnamon toast....
I agree, I think it was the right way to handle it....she threw the toast away......so no more toast. what if that had been the last peice of bread? she had the offer of any other food.
post #28 of 85
I would have just made new toast since ds isn't really able to manage himself when hungry. BUT, I have been known to tell him that I will be happy to help him with whatever he is requesting after I am done my coffee . He is pretty understanding about that now. I get him set up with whatever he needs (as you did) first and will always let my coffee get cold for something important, but otherwise I gently remind him that I need to drink my coffee first. And if I made cinnamon toast more than once a year, I'd premix the cinnamon and sugar and put it in an shaker jar.
post #29 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by romans_mum View Post
I agree, I think it was the right way to handle it....she threw the toast away......so no more toast. what if that had been the last peice of bread? she had the offer of any other food.
Then she would understand that there was no more and it wasn't an option, not mom just being arbitrary.

I remember when one of my brothers spit in the other's cereal so I have sympathy for the feeling of having one's food invaded.
post #30 of 85
when i was younger i had a thing about germs (but i also had and have ocd so it might be different) and if someone touched my food with their mouth and tried to get me to eat it even if it wasnt the part that was touched i probably would have been sent into a panic.
post #31 of 85
Quote:
Then she would understand that there was no more and it wasn't an option, not mom just being arbitrary
Apparently one moms 'arbitrary' is another moms self-preservation-coffee-time
post #32 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4evermom View Post
Then she would understand that there was no more and it wasn't an option, not mom just being arbitrary.

I remember when one of my brothers spit in the other's cereal so I have sympathy for the feeling of having one's food invaded.
spitting in cereal is a whole lot different than a bite of toast.
post #33 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmama View Post
Apparently one moms 'arbitrary' is another moms self-preservation-coffee-time
post #34 of 85
Thread Starter 
Lesson #1 - It's not about the toast.

Lesson #2 - A shaker jar of cinnamon and sugar is essential to effective GD parenting.

post #35 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by aprildawn View Post
Lesson #1 - It's not about the toast.

Lesson #2 - A shaker jar of cinnamon and sugar is essential to effective GD parenting.



Analytical mind
post #36 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by heartmama View Post
Apparently one moms 'arbitrary' is another moms self-preservation-coffee-time
I think mom's need to sit and relax is very important. I think it's important to recognize when we feel stretched to the limit and take care of ourselves when we do. I also think that often I get my self-preservation-coffee-time sooner by just going ahead and making the toast (using toast here as a metaphor for those things that really aren't a big a deal, when the real issue is my need to relax a bit/take care of myself). The power struggle over toast can just eliminate the possiblity of getting that time.
post #37 of 85
Quote:
I think mom's need to sit and relax is very important. I think it's important to recognize when we feel stretched to the limit and take care of ourselves when we do. I also think that often I get my self-preservation-coffee-time sooner by just going ahead and making the toast (using toast here as a metaphor for those things that really aren't a big a deal, when the real issue is my need to relax a bit/take care of myself). The power struggle over toast can just eliminate the possiblity of getting that time.
Yes, I think you have to be in the situation to know which dynamic is surfacing~and we all learn by trial and error.
post #38 of 85
OMG I have so freaking had it with my son throwing perfectly good food on the floor or in the trash and then screaming for a replacement. I have nothing else to offer except that this pushes my buttons like nothing else.
post #39 of 85
Quote:
Originally Posted by wednesday View Post
OMG I have so freaking had it with my son throwing perfectly good food on the floor or in the trash and then screaming for a replacement. I have nothing else to offer except that this pushes my buttons like nothing else.
this will probably come off soudning wrong, but in those situations, I wouldn't give any replacement, he threw it out so he no longer has it, thats the natural consequence of throwing out perfectly good food.
post #40 of 85
Quote:
OMG I have so freaking had it with my son throwing perfectly good food on the floor or in the trash and then screaming for a replacement. I have nothing else to offer except that this pushes my buttons like nothing else.
How old is he?
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