When natural consequenses have negative consequences for the rest of the family - Page 5

[aprildawn]

Originally Posted by MizLiz

: That's what I'd do... we try to diffuse the situation before anyone gets really upset (and with my dd there are definately signs if she is heading towards a meltdown) and if our compromise offer isn't working then I usually go along with her, but have her help 'fix' the situation... for us the important thing is to try and work with dd (who is 4.5) before she gets very upset about something that isn't really worth a meltdown. I would have offered to cut off the contaminated toast, trade with her sibling, then help her make a fresh piece. It is easier to do this before anyone gets really upset - that way your child will feel like you are validating her feelings, and you don't feel like you are being, somehow, manipulated or caving.

It is, of course, easy to analyze this type of situation when you aren't going through it at the time... good for you for thinking about how to make this type of thing better next time

Yeah. The whole head it off before things escalate is something I try too. I actually feel proud of myself when I discover a way to head off freak outs and tantrums. But sometimes these sorts of behaviors just seem to come out of the blue! And, like I realized earlier in the thread, I just didn't *feel like* making a new piece of toast, so I tried to convince her to eat the tainted toast which caused the whole tantrum. It came down to the fact that I just didn't feel like it and she wouldn't accept DH's version of the toast. As a mom we have to do so many things we don't feel like doing (most recently cleaning puke up all over my house since DD2 is sick with a tummy thing : ) that every once in awhile I run out of steam, refuse to do whatever it is I need to be doing, and it causes a big upset!

That brings us back to the catch-22. Do you take care of your own feelings? If I really just don't want to make the toast maybe it's because I need some recharging time, even if it's just 15 minutes to drink my coffee. Or do I continue to serve my family when I'm out of gas to head off potential tantrums? What are the costs and benefits of each choice? It's tough.

[Momma Aimee]

I am in flame-gear too

I see nothing wrong with how you handled it.

only i think you handled it better than me -- i would NOT have made her most toast, nor given her a CHOISE on the 2nd breaskfast -- i would have put her at the table and giving her something, if she refused that, she would have waited untill i was ready to make either morning snack or lunch for the whole family.

Waesting food is not ok, nor is irgonoring direct instructions from theparent, nor is -- imo -- treating her younger sib that way.

and -- again imo --if mommy already made toast once, and there is nothign wrong with it, then momma should not feel bad about "not wanting to make more" you are a momma not a salve, maid or personal chef --you take care of a family as a whole, you do not need to cater to every whim. You didn't feel like making more, the toast was fine, so there is no reason to feel bad. DD made a choice to behave as she knows she is not to and to activly not listen when throwing out food.

JMO

you did fine, and you don't need to feel bad about not wanting to do extra work.

As I said -- you were a lot mroe GD than I would have been.

A

[mamaduck]

I don't usually jump into threads that have gone on for this long! But this time I really want to. I did sit and read every post first though. I am with Heart on this one (as usual) and would not have made another peice of toast.

FWIW, though something you might want to work on incorporating into your life for future incidents though, April - we try to get our kids to sort of take a "pause" before following through with drastic actions -- and talk it out. So, for instance, on her way to the trash can with the toast, I would have intercepted and said, "Hold it. Pause for 2 minutes and listen. I'm only using words, and then when we unpause -- you can still throw it away if you still choose to." That gives a chance to disscuss more reasonable possiblities (i.e. -- trade toasts with Daddy, etc.) This works for us with our kids, in highly charged moments, but it took some time and practise to become a real tool in the toolkit, kwim? The kids had to get used to it, and learn to trust that its in their best interest.

Also -- occasional "do overs" are helpful too. I don't like to do a lot of do-overs, because they will take over your life. But in this situation, later in the day when you wanted an "out," I might have just said, "You know dd -- our morning got off to a lousy start. Let's start all over." Maybe. I'm iffy on this one though!

As for the chewing on the clothing thing -- I had to throw away all my older son's shirts from his 4th year of life. Normally, clothes get handed down. But those just got eaten! LOL. We mostly solved it though, by making very sturdy bead necklaces together that he could wear and chew on instead. I would prompt him to use his beads whenever his sleeve or collar was heading toward his mouth! (Satin ribbon can be used for the necklaces, with rubber, plastic, or wooden beads -- depending on what you are comfortable with.) Beads are good for the figits too, and nail biting, and even excessive penis touching in public places (not that you'll encounter that!)

[aprildawn]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

I don't usually jump into threads that have gone on for this long! April - we try to get our kids to sort of take a "pause" before following through with drastic actions -- and talk it out. So, for instance, on her way to the trash can with the toast, I would have intercepted and said, "Hold it. Pause for 2 minutes and listen. I'm only using words, and then when we unpause -- you can still throw it away if you still choose to."

Also -- occasional "do overs" are helpful too. I don't like to do a lot of do-overs, because they will take over your life. But in this situation, later in the day when you wanted an "out," I might have just said, "You know dd -- our morning got off to a lousy start. Let's start all over." Maybe. I'm iffy on this one though!

As for the chewing on the clothing thing -- I had to throw away all my older son's shirts from his 4th year of life. Normally, clothes get handed down. But those just got eaten! LOL. We mostly solved it though, by making very sturdy bead necklaces together that he could wear and chew on instead. I would prompt him to use his beads whenever his sleeve or collar was heading toward his mouth! (Satin ribbon can be used for the necklaces, with rubber, plastic, or wooden beads -- depending on what you are comfortable with.) Beads are good for the figits too, and nail biting, and even excessive penis touching in public places (not that you'll encounter that!)

I can't believe this thread is as long as it is, either! Definitely the longest one I've ever started. Obviously I hit on something many of us experience as we try to take everything into account before and when we discipline our kids. For me it's one of the key part of GD, to know the child, prevent problems in the first place, and respond to problem behavior in a way that helps your child grow in an ability to use self discipline. Which leads me to...

I love the idea of a pause. It's exactly what I wanted to happen, but my approach was way off. DH and I were yelling "STOP!! Don't throw it away!!" so we could be heard above her own screaming. So, everyone in the house is yelling. Crazy. If we had a "code word" or a way to communicate that we're calling a time out (in the sporting sense of the word) before we make any rash decisions, I think she'd be very responsive to that.

We have do-overs a lot. Mostly when she uses a nasty tone of voice with me. She'll say, "OK, Mommy. Let's start over." sometimes i let her, sometimes i tell her that it's not ok to start over. it just depends on the situation.

As for the chewing -- I bought a package of straws and I give her one when I notice she's chewing a lot. A bead necklace is a great idea too. She's super sensory/oral/touching/kinestetic.

[georgia]

We do lots of "rewinds" and "pauses"...we're kind of like a VCR around here And with my older two, we do deep breaths. I love it when I see my almost 7 yo calming himself down with deep breathing They do eventually start getting it

It can also be particularly helpful to be playful about stuff---like I'll do something in reverse or speedy (fast forward)...Sometimes it really helps to be playful and joke about things to help de-escalate.