The "No Gifts Please" Birthday Parties - Page 6

[lisalou]

From Wikipedia's article on etiquette -

One can reasonably view etiquette as the minimal politics required to avoid major conflict in polite society, and as such, an important aspect of applied ethics.

If avoiding major conflict in polite society is quaint and Victorian, I can't tell you how sad I find that.

The funny thing is the rules of etiquette for parties actually are for what you're attempting to do by putting "no gifts" on the invite. The only party where gifts are required is a shower since it's to shower whoever with gifts. There are no gifts required for any other party, wedding, birthday or whatever. So I would hope you would see that the basis of not putting any sort of gift wish or requirement on an invite comes from this belief. By putting something about gifts on an invitation to a party where gifts aren't required you're implying that you felt gifts were required. This goes for the non-consumerist no gifts person to the selfish bride to be that puts cash gifts only. To me, personally putting whatever your gift wish is on the invite just I don't know makes it feel the party has an ulterior motive whether it's to show me how great your are b/c you don't want presents for your child or if you're using it as fundraiser to pay for your wedding. Doesn't mean I won't respect your wishes, just makes me a little sad that parties are viewed this way.

You should understand many people through etiquette or how they were raised feel it's impolite to show up at someone's house without something. It's part of their appreciation for being invited to dinner or a birthday party or whatever. I would never show up at someone's house empty handed. I would also never expect you to open my gift then and there or serve the wine I brought to dinner or replace your centerpiece with the flowers I brought. My gifts are to show my appreciation rather than for you to tell my how wonderful I am for having brought whatever.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by Mizelenius

Just want to add . . .I may start doing the gift-opening after the party, when the guests are gone. It eliminates all sorts of problems, IMO.

Well, under the title of "you can't please everyone" , dd would be very upset if the present she brought was not opened in her presence. She puts a lot of thought into choosing gifts, and her joy is seeing the recipient open it. She'd get over it, though.

I have to say that, reading this thread, I can't imagine having any true ill feelings about a child's birthday party invitation from dear friends. Whether they ask for no gifts, or a certain kind of gift.....whether they follow etiquette or not....whether they open gifts in our presence or not....whether they send thank you notes or not.......it isn't about us. It is about celebrating the birthday of a child we care about. I am wondering if all of this concern over etiquette and gifts comes from inviting people who aren't truly friends?

[nonconformnmom]

I'm with Benji's Mom in that ettiquette is different in different areas of the country. However, I would say that, for me, "ettiquette" is anything that is common sense courtesy. For example, you don't spit on people; you apologize if you step on their foot; you say 'please' and 'thank you'. Things beyond that are not really "ettiquette" in my book, they are social mores (pronounced "morays") - strongly held norms or customs. Just because never going to someone's home empty-handed is a custom where one person comes from, doesn't mean it is for someone else. If another person is ignorant of that custom, are they being rude to show up empty-handed?

So, while bringing gifts to a birthday party is not a requirement, it is a social more. For that reason, it IS necessary to somehow indicate that no gifts are desired, since the default assumption, and custom, is to bring gifts to birthdays.

[dharmamama]

One can reasonably view etiquette as the minimal politics required to avoid major conflict in polite society, and as such, an important aspect of applied ethics.

Obviously the definition of etiquette is what it is, but honestly, I don't see society breaking down into major conflict because someone wrote "No gifts, please" on a birthday party invitation.

But then again, we are so low class around here that we don't even send invitations. We tell our friends via phone or when we see them when the party will be.

I can see both sides of the issue, but I guess when I think about how my friends and family relate to one another in such a relaxed and informal way, a way that feels comfy and cozy, certain rules of etiquette seem like they would hinder rather than further our social relationships.

Namaste!

[dharmamama]

Originally Posted by nonconformnmom

I'm with Benji's Mom in that ettiquette is different in different areas of the country. However, I would say that, for me, "ettiquette" is anything that is common sense courtesy. For example, you don't spit on people; you apologize if you step on their foot; you say 'please' and 'thank you'. Things beyond that are not really "ettiquette" in my book, they are social mores (pronounced "morays") - strongly held norms or customs. Just because never going to someone's home empty-handed is a custom where one person comes from, doesn't mean it is for someone else. If another person is ignorant of that custom, are they being rude to show up empty-handed?

So, while bringing gifts to a birthday party is not a requirement, it is a social more. For that reason, it IS necessary to somehow indicate that no gifts are desired, since the default assumption, and custom, is to bring gifts to birthdays.

:

That's exactly what I was getting at when I said that we are all too polite to acknowledge that gifts ARE expected at a child's birthday party. I didn't explain it nearly as well as you did, but you are absolutely correct about social mores.

Namaste!

[Benji'sMom]

Originally Posted by lisalou

From Wikipedia's article on etiquette -



If avoiding major conflict in polite society is quaint and Victorian, I can't tell you how sad I find that.

But I'm only saying the minimum that's required in society surely must be different in each society. I'm only saying where I live, thank you notes and word-of-mouth, etc., are not required even as a minimum. There's nothing sad about that, it's just different from your society.

The funny thing is the rules of etiquette for parties actually are for what you're attempting to do by putting "no gifts" on the invite. The only party where gifts are required is a shower since it's to shower whoever with gifts. There are no gifts required for any other party, wedding, birthday or whatever.

Come on, that's just another arbitrary rule that not everyone has to agree with. You REALLY think gifts aren't required for birthdays? That's what I mean by old fasioned. I think TODAY, most people except that birthday parties are a proper place to bring gifts and it's generally expected that a gift will be brought for the birthday girl/boy, and that would be seen as a normal thing to do.

So I would hope you would see that the basis of not putting any sort of gift wish or requirement on an invite comes from this belief. By putting something about gifts on an invitation to a party where gifts aren't required you're implying that you felt gifts were required. This goes for the non-consumerist no gifts person to the selfish bride to be that puts cash gifts only. To me, personally putting whatever your gift wish is on the invite just I don't know makes it feel the party has an ulterior motive whether it's to show me how great your are b/c you don't want presents for your child or if you're using it as fundraiser to pay for your wedding. Doesn't mean I won't respect your wishes, just makes me a little sad that parties are viewed this way.

Like I said I think it's normally expected that a birthday party is a gift-giving occasion, and very few people would see that as a sad thing. You are one of those very few, apparently, but MOST people give gifts and MOST people receive them at birthdays, and MOST people aren't saddened by celebrating special occasions with gifts, and MOST people wouldn't see the desire for gifts as an ulterior motive.

You should understand many people through etiquette or how they were raised feel it's impolite to show up at someone's house without something. It's part of their appreciation for being invited to dinner or a birthday party or whatever. I would never show up at someone's house empty handed. I would also never expect you to open my gift then and there or serve the wine I brought to dinner or replace your centerpiece with the flowers I brought. My gifts are to show my appreciation rather than for you to tell my how wonderful I am for having brought whatever.

Wow. I wasn't raised in a barnyard, you know. I do give gifts to people and that includes hostess gifts. BUT I will say that hostess gifts are not normally expected, whereas birthday and wedding gifts are. You're lumping them into the same catagory. But I think birthdays and weddings are special occasions where a gift would be expected, and expecting a gift for these "gift giving occasions" is just normal and not greedy or wrong. Whereas the hostess gift is not for a special occasion, so if someone *expects* a gift for hosting a party that might be a little greedy.

It just sounds like you want to experience gift giving occasions, but kind of keep it a big ole secret that it's a gift giving occasion. Like, we all KNOW it is, but let's not talk about it, let's pretend it doesn't exist. But why???? If people enjoy giving and receiving, and celebrating with gifts, why can't we talk about it? It should be something enjoyable, not all hush-hush and secretive.

And I think part of the joy of giving, for me, is giving something that will be enjoyed by the recipient, not just any old thing, but something they really WANT to have. And I don't see anything wrong with the birthday host, wedding host, etc., putting on the invite what kinds of things the guest of honor would like to receive. I just don't see anything wrong with that. But that's the general way things are done here. And that's all I'm saying. If you don't do things the same in your neck of the woods, that's okay with me.

[Breathless Wonder]

nonconformnmom:
Thank you so much for the explanation.

[townmouse]

my two cents: why have a birthday party???

Our birthdays are family only; Grandma comes if she can. We have a great time, just the 6 or 7 of us.

Our parties for friends are giftless occasions with a theme. Coming into winter, we'll have candy-making parties, folk songs parties, book clubs, board game parties, Christmas party, New Years party, etc.

We have friends over to have friends over. If you have a theme and call it a party, you can have a LOT of friends over, but no gifts!

We've just opted out of the birthday party scene. Birthdays are for family only.

[lisalou]

Originally Posted by Benji'sMom

Come on, that's just another arbitrary rule that not everyone has to agree with. You REALLY think gifts aren't required for birthdays? That's what I mean by old fasioned. I think TODAY, most people except that birthday parties are a proper place to bring gifts and it's generally expected that a gift will be brought for the birthday girl/boy, and that would be seen as a normal thing to do.

I've been to lots of birthday parties where no gifts were expected or given. I don't view a birthday party as a gift required occasion and I have lots of friends and family who also don't view it that way. But also as I said I would never show up to someone's house empty handed.

Originally Posted by Benji'sMom

Like I said I think it's normally expected that a birthday party is a gift-giving occasion, and very few people would see that as a sad thing. You are one of those very few, apparently, but MOST people give gifts and MOST people receive them at birthdays, and MOST people aren't saddened by celebrating special occasions with gifts, and MOST people wouldn't see the desire for gifts as an ulterior motive.

What saddens me is not the gifts but the expectation that birthday parties or celebrations or weddings or whatever is all about gifts. I also didn't say there was anything wrong in wanting gifts just in expecting them.

Originally Posted by Benji'sMom

Wow. I wasn't raised in a barnyard, you know. I do give gifts to people and that includes hostess gifts. BUT I will say that hostess gifts are not normally expected, whereas birthday and wedding gifts are. You're lumping them into the same catagory. But I think birthdays and weddings are special occasions where a gift would be expected, and expecting a gift for these "gift giving occasions" is just normal and not greedy or wrong. Whereas the hostess gift is not for a special occasion, so if someone *expects* a gift for hosting a party that might be a little greedy.

It's greedy to expect people to celebrate your birthday with gifts. It's greedy to expect people to celebrate the start of your new life together by bringing a gift. It's greedy to expect people to come to your house for dinner with a gift. I invite you to my wedding, my birthday party or my house for dinner b/c I want you to be a part of that celebration. Because you mean so much to me that I want you there to make the occasion of a life change - wedding or birthday or b/c I am making a meal. I do not expect you to bring anything but yourself. I don't invite people so they bring gifts whatever the occasion. I could tell you tons of stories of brides pissed off and having their day ruined b/c guests for their wedding didn't get the amount of money or gifts expected to make up for the party they threw. It seems if you're expecting gifts you're kind of missing the point of having the party in the first place.

Originally Posted by Benji'sMom

It just sounds like you want to experience gift giving occasions, but kind of keep it a big ole secret that it's a gift giving occasion. Like, we all KNOW it is, but let's not talk about it, let's pretend it doesn't exist. But why???? If people enjoy giving and receiving, and celebrating with gifts, why can't we talk about it? It should be something enjoyable, not all hush-hush and secretive.

This goes back to above. I don't throw parties to receive gifts. I throw parties b/c I want people to celebrate whatever the occasion is. I will answer questions if someone asks me what to get. I see nothing wrong in that. I like bridal registries. But to give someone an invitation that states what gift to bring or not bring takes away from spirit in which that invitation is offered.

Originally Posted by Benji'sMom

And I think part of the joy of giving, for me, is giving something that will be enjoyed by the recipient, not just any old thing, but something they really WANT to have. And I don't see anything wrong with the birthday host, wedding host, etc., putting on the invite what kinds of things the guest of honor would like to receive. I just don't see anything wrong with that. But that's the general way things are done here. And that's all I'm saying. If you don't do things the same in your neck of the woods, that's okay with me.

Since you think it's ok to expect gifts, of course you don't see anything wrong with it.

[Godaime]

:

[Yooper]

Originally Posted by lisalou

I kind of feel like there is some sort of contradiction in putting "no gifts" on invites for a birthday party b/c you don't want to pass one consumer culture but you invite tons of people. What kind of parties are you having where there isn't consumer culture inherent in them as well besides the gift thing?

I think I'm just at a loss about this b/c if we wanted no gifts for dd and we generally do, we just follow the simple rule of only inviting her age plus 1 to her birthday. Frankly anymore than that for her at this age becomes less a party to celebrate her birthday and more a party to show her off.

Actually, the birthday parties we throw for dd are about as not-consumeristic as they come. We do not invite over hoards of 3 yos and since dd is not in any sort of school and will not be in the forseeable furture, we are not obligated to invite an entire class or anything. Her friends are our friends.....young and old. That comes to about 40 people that live in our area. We have a cookout in our backyard. I cook everything from scratch including veggie burgers and cake. We eat off of our real dishes and drink out of mason jars and even use cloth napkins. We play lawn games and cards. The kids really like frolicking in our raspberry bushes and eating their fill. There is sidewalk chalk, a baby pool, and sprinkler. The kids get to stay up WAY past thier bedtimes chasing each other around the yard until they collapse in a heap of blankets on my livingroom floor and the adults carry on with quiet conversation and cards. Dd loved her last one and stilll talks about it daily. She has no idea she is suppose to be disappointed about not getting a huge pile of stuff nor does she know it is rude to not contribute to the clutter in our house, global warming, landfill, and child labor.

And whoever said that ettiquette comes before social responsibiliy.....I completely disagree.

[Mizelenius]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

Well, under the title of "you can't please everyone" , dd would be very upset if the present she brought was not opened in her presence. She puts a lot of thought into choosing gifts, and her joy is seeing the recipient open it. She'd get over it, though.

I personally love to see people open gifts I bought. However, in the spirit of less of a focus on gifts and avoiding anything awkward, maybe it would be best. I dunno.

[NaturalMamma]

Originally Posted by newmommy

Some people get a certain joy AND put in alot of time picking out that special gift for their loved one. Why rob people of that?

Because it's not about the gift giver--it's about the receiver. I know people who have invested time and thought into getting something for my DD--but it was either something she already had, can't use or isn't interested in. I had 2 Cinderalla DVD's one Christmas b/c no one asks my opinion of what to get my DD. Then there is the family to consider. We just don't have space for more stuff in our home. (You want to buy me something--buy me a bigger house. ) Yes, we try to donate old toys, but DD doesn't want to part with most of them. I'm in the process of digging out her old baby board books from the garage b/c she is learning to read and loves them.

In the old days, gifts were much simpler, often hand-made, straight from the heart...not as plentiful. We are chin-deep in consumerism. Not to sound like a scrooge, but I just don't need a thing and don't want friends giving me Christmas gifts. If someone feels compelled to give me a gift, I prefer something food-based.

I am really craving a simplistic life-style and am tired of all the stuff taking over my home. It's mostly a burden.

cindi

[Imvishta]

Originally Posted by Mizelenius

Just want to add . . .I may start doing the gift-opening after the party, when the guests are gone. It eliminates all sorts of problems, IMO.

We did this for DS's first birthday. There really were no children who were old enough to be aware of the gift opening portion of the party. And, as I posted before, we sent out very personal thank you notes. That said, as he gets older I think we will open the gifts as the whole spirit of "giving" seems to be lost if the recipient doesn't open them while the giver is there. Just my opinion after having done it the other way. (We did so mostly because it was outside and so hot the balloons were actually popping in the heat!)

[Imvishta]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

<snip>

Themed parties--one of my ideas is to have a "garden party". The hosting family can prepare a patch of dirt for the birthday child, guests can bring something for the garden (a plant, a cutting, a tool, some seeds, an ornament, a book about gardening....etc). Kids can get digging! And maybe decorate some wide-brimmed garden hats for a party favor (hot glue and silk flowers, or fabric paint).

This is a GREAT idea!! Thank you so much! Grandpa and Nana are almost finished building their new house where they will have a veggie garden (Grandpa's) and a flower garden (Nana's). Maybe we can work something around your garden party idea, if not for DS's second birthday, at least his third. They'd have so much fun digging in the dirt and maybe pressing flowers, or whatever. I'll have to give it some thought. But, thanks for the idea!

Oh, and I've seen at other parties that if you send a really specifically themed invitation people tend to buy gifts related to that theme, which is a good or bad thing depending on how you feel about it. But, a garden theme would really keep the whistle & bells toys at bay. And, be so much fun! Can't wait to tell Grandpa and Nana! Thanks so much!

This all will work for adults, too. For Christmas this year DH and I have passed along to family (word of mouth) that we'd rather have one nice item for DS than put the burden of buying for all three of us, as none of my siblings are even married. A "family" gift of sorts, as a gift for DS is a gift for us. We will be giving gifts to others, of course. But, DH and I are not even giving material gifts to each other this year. Just waiting to see what DS gets and then spending the rest of our gift budget on items he needs. We really don't want anything else this year, anyway.

But, this great! Keep the theme ideas coming!

[Mizelenius]

Rather OT but Young at Art has a whole, very detailed section about holding an art party . . .the children make their own favors, decorate the cake, etc. I am planning on doing this!

I love the garden party idea, too!!!!

[aprons_and_acorns]

Originally Posted by UUMom

"I think it's perfectly fine to spread the word verbally among friends that gifts are not necessary, or that you love books, or that your child is adding to his collection of little horses if one askes. But demands have no place on an invitation".

I am ITA with you on this.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

The "No Gifts Please" Birthday Parties

I've never heard of these : i never tell people what to bring to party's just that they don't need to spend a lot cos they'll happy with anything. Chloe gets excited about preasents at birthdays and christmas and cameron is starting to get excited about it too. Caitlin is still a little young so doesn't really know anything about it.

[aprons_and_acorns]

Originally Posted by NaturalMamma

Because it's not about the gift giver--it's about the receiver.

I respectfully disagree with this. A traditional gift-giving occasion can be a wonderful time to make a meaningful, giving gesture to a special person in your life. A gift given in love and received graciously is about both the giver and the receiver. But I really feel for you on the clutter issue. I like consumable gifts, too!! Gone but not forgotten I say

I also think that a child's birthday party is not "all about" the child. A party is for everyone! The birthday child is the guest of honor and along with the host (usually the mom!) they have a chance to really show how very special his or her friends and family are by treating them to an afternoon of fun.


ETA: I guess I just feel like, just as a gift should not be expected, it should also not be rejected, especially by cutting the giver off at the pass and stating a refusal of gifts right on the invitation. A rejection of generosity which may or may not be extended to the guest of honor seems like it could be interpreted many different ways. But its also hard to swim upstream against the consumer frenzy. Equating caring with dollars has just got to go, and my action against that pressure is to give mostly small gifts from my hands and heart or other non-storebought things. This IS a hot topic. :

[alexsam]

Wow- I haven't read every post yet, but...

I had NO idea this was a controversial topic!

For DS's birthday, we put something along the lines of "We'd love your presence, don't worry about a present!".

Last time, I asked that in lieu of a gift, everyone bring a dish-to-pass. We're pretty broke and it was the fact that everyone helped a little with food that actually made it so we could afford a party (we had it at home, but we bought a few balloons and a cake and things). Everyone seemed to find it creative, easy and refreshing. I think that has to do with my friends, though. They understand... and to them, it was nice to see all the kids have such "healthy fun" (their words!) at a party. DS got presents anyway- my DH and I gave him something and close family and friends will as well. We know him, we want to invest the time and money, and just a few meaningful presents are enough. But a big "friend" birthday party doesn't need gifts, in my oppinion.

A few other "theme" ideas:

1.) Art party. You could find a polite and fun way to say that some play-doh, crayons, paper, etc. would be appreciated, then you could make the party an art party by using the gifts by spreading out big paper, easels, etc. and letting everyone create! You could even make a banner to keep by writing "Happy _ Birthday, ___!" and all the art goes underneath.

2.) Cooking party. Ask people to bring a snack to make. With a few kids, you can get them in the kitchen making them then eating them. I bet they'd have a great time!

5.) A pocket party. Suggest that all gifts be able to fit in a pocket- cuts down on clutter, allows for creativity and (most likely) will limit the amount people will spend.

4.) If you're worried about DC not getting presents like the other kids, you could save your present for the party, then the only one that is opened is yours (which, out of all of them, is most likely to be the very thing he/she wants). I don't think anyone has a problem with the idea that parents would give a present, even when others have been politely asked to refrain, it would be the parents' present(s). You could even make it something that they could all play with at the party.

If you want a big party with lots of presents- hey! That's your choice. Personally, I honestly feel like the celebration was a gift in itself, and from previous experience, that the random gifts people brought were appreciated in their guesture, but ended up being clutter and a waste of their money.

If I really believed that everyone would bring a small, meaningful token of affection for a birthday party, then I wouldn't have an issue with presents. And I agree that it is not polite to give a list of gift requirements (and you wouldn't need to if people were sincere and thoughtful and the giver had confidence that their modest gift would be well received) but unfortunately, much of birthday gift giving is about running over to Target to see what is on-sale in the approproate age/sex isle.



And just an aside- there seems to be a dramatic decline in the quality of birthday parties. When I was a kid, a birthday party ment balloons, streamers, the sprinkler on in the back yard or maybe a clown or for something really special, a party at the roller-rink. You know, the playroom, the yard, the park, pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, a pinata, or a sleepover. Homemade cake, parents milling around, a good game of tag or a swim in the pool. Today, they seem so "commercialized". Chuck-E-Cheese. Go to Walmart and pick a cartoon theme. Order a cake with a cartoon face on it from the grocery store. Sign up at the local "kids place" (whatever that is-a resteraunt, a store, a play-yard) and have them do everything- just you show up- no fuss no muss. Kids go home tanked up on oil and sugar and grimy after being in a "kids place" for 3 hours. I'm not saying every single place that hosts childrens' birthday parties is yucky, I'm just saying what happened to limbo in the back yard and some primary color crepe paper and mom's lopsided cake?