The "No Gifts Please" Birthday Parties - Page 3

[Imvishta]

Oh, and I do remember reading about a theme party Gwyneth Paltrow had for herself (not her children) where she asked everyone to bring their favorite childhood books (or maybe adult books, as well), and asked them to write in the book a bit about why it was their favorite and what it meant to them. I think a gift theme party sounds nice. I'm not sure how one would do this other than with something like books. Anyone have any other ideas?

I'm sure some etiquette experts would disagree with this idea. But, it might be a way of circumventing the unwanted gift issue without making "demands," and actually making it a more thoughtful and personal act of giving, as well.

And, I will say that my old-fashioned Southern background does make me squirm at including a registry on the actual invitation. Word-of-mouth just seems like a more polite idea even if it's not as efficient. However, after trying to keep up with letting family know all about ds's accomplishments I am considering starting a blog, with a photo album, as well, just so anyone can just tell me which ones they want without having to send so many out to everyone. After a relative told me they thought my Amazon wish list was a great idea (unlike some others) I thought I'd try to create a wish list on our (yet-to-be-created) blog so that anyone can buy from any store and mark it on the list without our having to know ahead of time as we've had to do with Amazon. (Gifts bought elsewhere we've had to be told so we could mark them purchased so others won't buy the same gift, which means we already know who is giving what. )

And, on our wish list I've included what the items mean to ds in terms of his interests and development. I hope that makes everyone feel more connected when giving the gift instead of feeling like they're just buying something. Hey, play is a child's "work" so I do think it's important to have items tailored to a particular child's needs. So, really, I do think the lists are a great idea, just a touchy subject.

So, I'd love to hear if anyone comes up with any other "gift theme" ideas and what you all think of the group gift.

[BetsyNY]

I think the book party idea is charming...it helps the guests to connect, think about their childhoods, give something with meaning, etc. I've also been to baby showers with that theme. Others could be recipes or something, I guess? like your favorite food as a child (or parents could include their kid's favorite recipe) and a recipe for that...or people could just write an anecdote from their childhood, especially if you have different generations attending.

[Lambsauce]

Hm, quite a thought-provoking topic.
It reminds me of my childhood, and the dreaded birthday parties. I remember my parents always restricted me to inviting as many friends as how old I was turning that year, and how I eventually talked them into letting me have more... I didn't want that because I felt bad about leaving friends out of my celebration (I never had many actual friends growing up), but because I wanted more presents. : I'm ashamed to admit that, but... it's true. I kind of wish my parents had held no-gift parties, I would have learned much younger what celebrations are REALLY about.
I guess that's just a very roundabout way of saying that I wouldn't mind a request for no presents, personally. I also think that asking for a donation to a charity is wonderful, especially if it's one that has greatly affected the family/the child who the party is being held for. And it would also take away some of the anxiety of that one poor child who is so afraid of the recipient's reaction to her gift, she refuses to be present for the unwrapping...

[Imvishta]

Gift Donations

[QUOTE=UUMom;6644436]

Originally Posted by Imvishta

I


Back to specific types of gifts: Even though I've made a well-researched wish list for my child, with items that are not expensive, I know he'll still be receiving certain gifts that at best he probably won't like and at worst we don't really want him to have.

QUOTE]

These, dear, are the gifts you drop off at Goodwill. It's simple as that. If you don't like Goodwill, for whatever reason, take the stuff to the nearest family shelter where kids have nothing. All politics aside, of course. Don't let the slave labor child in China have worked in vain.

If you do not want your child to have it, there is another child in your town who has nothing.

You're right on that one. In fact, we've already donated to our local Safe Shelter, as they need items not only for the shelter, but for women starting new homes with nothing.

I will let him play with them some and see if he want them. If he does, that's fine. It just seems a shame that after actually being asked by my MIL and creating such a specific, yet varied, list AND keeping her apprised of all that he's doing and his interests, she went right back to, "Well I think I'll get him Thomas the Tank Engine items" even though he has "tons" of vehicles already. Why even ask?! And, I added links to sites about the things he finds interesting, etc. Really tried to show her what's going on in his life (we live in GA; they live in AZ), but she completely didn't care. If he does like what she sends, we'll keep it, but frankly, I thought she was pretty rude about the situation. Of course, this is kind-of off-topic for this thread. She also thought we were crazy for installing his car seat in her car the day we left him with her for a whole day to visit my DH's college town for the day while visiting Arizona! She said we were "overprotective." She's just going to do whatever she's going to do. We did, however, install the car seat, but I have completely vetoed her moving here when my FIL passes away. But, that's another topic...

So, I do now see someone mentioned a theme party. That's great! Any more ideas? I'd love to hear them. I was not the poor one and got "everything," right down to the new car at 16. (And, had the party dress and Mary Janes parties, but after attending a boy's party thought I'd been cheated, as he dressed casually, had chocolate cake, and a treasure hunt!) But, I do not want to promote that sort of materialism in my own child. And, I certainly don't want anyone to feel they can't come to my child's party because they have to buy yet another gift. That's so sad.

As far as the person who posted about the modeling clay... many children seem to like the simpler toys (hence, my wish list) anyway. It seems such a shame that we go to these parties where everyone is spending so much on gifts when, at this age at least, the children would be just as happy with an inexpensive item. Really, it's all about the parents, I think. That's why I was thinking about the group gift idea. That keeps everyone equal and the focus on the party. I doubt that will go over well with some people I know, though. Sadly...

[Slabobbin]

I am kind of torn on this one. I am totally on board with the "no junk toys" train. The biggest problem I have with the "no gifts party" is the CHILD and their feelings. I'm not as worried about the guest's feelings as I am the child's. I just don't think it's fair to the child to cruise along for years having the mainstream parties and then suddenly the parents decide to do a lifestyle change and the child no longer gets gifts. Again, I am torn, I AGREE with having a lifestyle change to a more natural lifestyle and I agree that it is up to the parents how they raise their children...but still, it isn't really fair to spring something like that one them and expect them to be fine with it just because you are. It just makes me sad to think of a child wanting gifts for their birthday and not being allowed to have any. Maybe it's not really like that, maybe the children are on board as well.

[marnie]

i think it depends on the lifestyle of the people you're talking about. where i live, the majority of my daughter's friends live in a one bedroom apartment - very very few kids have their own bedrooms, no one has back yards, and no one has room for many toys - even books.

we generally make the PARTY the gift, and do it up big, with loads and loads of kids invited, not just a handful. in this way everyone has fun, and no one feels they need to bring a gift in order to go to the party, and no one is left with a 1 br apartment full of toys, and no one is asking a 2 or 3 year old to pack up and donate brand new toys.

it never goes on an invite, it's always word of mouth - you'll say "please come, no gifts are necessary" which generally prompts a commiserating conversation about having too little space. Everyone understands.

sometimes people bring gifts anyway, sometimes people don't, even if not told not to. in neither case is the guest made to feel bad for not "following the rules." most everyone brings a card or drawing from the kids to the kids.

saying 'no plastic' to me is outrageously rude. but saying "no gifts, please." is not. but then, as i said, it's the norm here, and not the exception.

[Imvishta]

More on gifts; on a roll...

Oooh, another thing... I recently read somewhere that some culture(s) GIVES gifts for their birthday. Anyone know that one? If not, I'll look later, as I need to sign-off now...

Oh, but is the "Gift Closet" a Southern thing? My DH says it is. Everyone I know always has a gift closet with items they pick up during the year for specific people and general gift items for births and such. And, you can always throw in the re-gifts. I don't think re-gifting is rude at all as long as it's a gift you genuinely believe the other person would like, yet you simply did not or already had.

And, on the Southern gift topic... I've also been told that monogramming is kind of a Southern Thing. I've found a good idea for doing so is to pay for the monogramming (or engraving) and include that ticket or note with the gift, so that if the person receives more than one of that item, or just doesn't like it, they can still return or exchange it, as it has not yet been altered. I think this is particularly important for weddings and showers. Just a tip!

[dharmamama]

Don't let the slave labor child in China have worked in vain.

If we're talking tacky here, I find that comment unbelievably tacky.

If you do not want your child to have it, there is another child in your town who has nothing.

I'm bothered by this idea, too. Let's give our crappy plastic toys to the token poor kid who has nothing and should be grateful for our discarded crappy plastic toys. Never mind that we're feeding the demand for Earth-destroying plastics made by people who earn 12 cents a day. At least we are comforted to know our friends' hard-earned cash was spent on a soon-to-be-poor-kid's-toy.

Seriously, all that so some esoteric rule of etiquette can be protected? Are we that fragile that we can't survive the horror of being honest with each other about what we do and don't want? And I think we're shamelessly kidding ourselves if we say that gifts are optional at birthday parties. Would YOU want to be the kid at a party who showed up with no gift when everyone else did? Unless the invite says "No gifts," I assume gifts are expected. I think that's how it really works, even if we're all too polite to admit it.

Namaste!

[marnie]

Originally Posted by Slabobbin

I am kind of torn on this one. I am totally on board with the "no junk toys" train. The biggest problem I have with the "no gifts party" is the CHILD and their feelings. I'm not as worried about the guest's feelings as I am the child's. I just don't think it's fair to the child to cruise along for years having the mainstream parties and then suddenly the parents decide to do a lifestyle change and the child no longer gets gifts. Again, I am torn, I AGREE with having a lifestyle change to a more natural lifestyle and I agree that it is up to the parents how they raise their children...but still, it isn't really fair to spring something like that one them and expect them to be fine with it just because you are. It just makes me sad to think of a child wanting gifts for their birthday and not being allowed to have any. Maybe it's not really like that, maybe the children are on board as well.

my daughter is being raised with no/few gifts. at every party there are always a few things to open, and it's exciting but not the *point* of the party. likewise the gift isn't the point of any holiday.

if asked my three year old will happily tell you that she has "plenty" of toys. once i went to a consignment store with her. i dropped off a bunch of outgrown clothing and with my credit bought a bunch of new clothing. from this she got the idea that if she wants a new toy she can "buy" it with some old toys. I have never given her this idea, nor have i encouraged it - it's just something she came up with. (she also tries to buy dessert by offering to give her dinner in exchange...)

she's used to living in a small space and she knows that she can't play with any of her toys if she has too many of them, because there's no room to take everything out at once. she often takes it upon herself to get a bag and fill it with things she doesn't use anymore. she's 3.5 years old. i assure you i did not put this concept into her head.

i can imagine that a child raised with lots of space, and a basement or a garage to store unused items in, etc. might feel slighted if the gifts were suddenly stripped away, but a child doesn't grow up traumatized from not having a ton of gifts each birthday/holiday.

almost ANY time my daughter asks for a toy when we are out i will buy it for her. we do discuss it at length, and as often as not she decides she doesn't really need/want it. if we discuss it and she insists that she wants it, i never say no. and truthfully, she almost NEVER asks.

[BetsyNY]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

I'm bothered by this idea, too. Let's give our crappy plastic toys to the token poor kid who has nothing and should be grateful for our discarded crappy plastic toys. Never mind that we're feeding the demand for Earth-destroying plastics made by people who earn 12 cents a day. At least we are comforted to know our friends' hard-earned cash was spent on a soon-to-be-poor-kid's-toy.

Seriously, all that so some esoteric rule of etiquette can be protected? Are we that fragile that we can't survive the horror of being honest with each other about what we do and don't want? And I think we're shamelessly kidding ourselves if we say that gifts are optional at birthday parties. Would YOU want to be the kid at a party who showed up with no gift when everyone else did? Unless the invite says "No gifts," I assume gifts are expected. I think that's how it really works, even if we're all too polite to admit it.

Namaste!

I don't think etiquette is esoteric. We don't get to make demands of others just because we're "right." From the last handful of kids' birthday parties I've been to, it seems that opening the gift at the party is no longer the norm and as has been discussed, what's the matter with giving a card or a painting? It's not that we can't survive the "horror" of honesty, it's that good manners dictate you don't demand what gifts can and can't be given.

And one man's "crap" plastic toy is another man's felted wool ball. There are plenty of people out there who would be overjoyed to have a piece of plastic "crap" for their kids to play with...if the choice is plastic toys or no toys at all, would you care? If the choice was a non-organic food or no food at all, would you let yourself starve? Of course not.

[JustJamie]

I have always included on every invitation to every party I've ever been thrown (including both baby showers) "The only present required is the gift of your presence."

I've never yet had someone mention to me that they were offended by my asking them not to spend money on me. They seem to have always understood that I simply wanted to share my celebration with them.

I have received gifts, most of them incredibly thoughtful. I've also been asked "Well, if I DO get you something, what would you want?" to which I usually responded with whatever material object I wanted/needed at the time...though since my DD was conceived, the answer has changed to "Savings bonds to put towards DD's college fund."

I think there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying something along those lines (obviously, or I wouldn't say it!). I do find it incredibly tacky to say "Cash only" or "No plastic"...even lists of suggested gifts *can* be tacky, if they're not done well.

[RubyWild]

My dd always brings a small gift, anyway, usually a painting or flowers or a drawing or a special rock she found.

[BurgundyElephant]

We just had DD's party and did the No Gifts thing. It was awesome. I did write on the invitations No Gifts Please, and also explained my reasoning in person: "It's hard to have to do presents for birthdays... there are so many birthday parties to go to and by the time you buy the gift and wrapping it's like $15, so you have to pick and choose which ones you go to. So I asked [dd] what she would prefer - more friends to play with or more toys? And of course she said friends! So we've made it no gifts, please." People were totally cool with that, nodding their heads as I was talking. Most did bring her a homemade card, though, which was really cute. Later that week she cut them up and made a collage.

[Ambrose]

House O' Plastic is not my cup of tea. Yes, I admit- we have plenty right now. Because we cannot afford better. We are slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) accruing wooden toys.

I make my family and Amazon.Com wish List, if anyone wants to know what DD or DH or I want for Xmas or whatever, I direct them there which give a general idea of what we like/want. It's not the be-all-end-all whether they get things directly from the list. But it sure gives someone and idea of what NOT to get IMO.

We have yet to have DD have an actual turn out for her birthday. Both times no one really bothered. On her first yr I said no gifts please, this is just a day for DD to with friends/family. For her second I just took her to the park and breifly mentioned that we'd be going on her birthday and if anyone wanted to join for a playdate it would be nice.

For next year, if she has a party. I will be putting something along the lines of "only savings bonds or giftcards please if you choose the gift option. BUT GIFTS ARE OPTIONAL."


I haven't tweaked it, I've got almost a year to do that.

[AntoninBeGonin]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

I think it's inappropriate to bring up gifts AT ALL on an invitation. It is ALWAYS your choice whether you bring a gift or not. If you have a birthday party, you're going to get gifts--and it's your choice what you do with them after the fact.

I totally agree and I have an embarrassing 'no gifts' story to tell. In middle school, me and these other 5 girls hung out together all the time. We were 12 or 13 at the time. One of them had a birthday and the invitation said to please not bring a gift, or if you did, to bring a gag gift. I loved the idea of a gag gift so I spent a few days coming up with something that I knew would be very funny to the group. (This was around 14 years ago so I forgot what it was.) When I got there everyone else had brought a gift, too. She opened them, and they were all very nice items. Meanwhile I had some junky joke I'd made! Talk about embarrassed, I wanted to melt through the floor. Oh well, I do think it's better to just expect gifts. Besides, if most of your kids are anything like mine, they forgot about any toy within a week, and then you can toss it, Salvation army it, etc. IMO, bringing a gift is no big deal.

~Nay

[Ambrose]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

If we're talking tacky here, I find that comment unbelievably tacky.



I'm bothered by this idea, too. Let's give our crappy plastic toys to the token poor kid who has nothing and should be grateful for our discarded crappy plastic toys. Never mind that we're feeding the demand for Earth-destroying plastics made by people who earn 12 cents a day. At least we are comforted to know our friends' hard-earned cash was spent on a soon-to-be-poor-kid's-toy.

Seriously, all that so some esoteric rule of etiquette can be protected? Are we that fragile that we can't survive the horror of being honest with each other about what we do and don't want? And I think we're shamelessly kidding ourselves if we say that gifts are optional at birthday parties. Would YOU want to be the kid at a party who showed up with no gift when everyone else did? Unless the invite says "No gifts," I assume gifts are expected. I think that's how it really works, even if we're all too polite to admit it.

Namaste!

:

[Mizelenius]

Yeah . . .this is a tough subject. I have WANTED to write "no gifts" but I can't. For one, it's a party for my DC, not for me. Two, inevitably someone WILL bring a gift, and it might make others feel bad. Three, it's just anti-Miss Manners.

Most people ask us what DD wants. I am always touched by what she gets, because I can tell people put thought into it. However, we are approaching the time where it will be children that know her but not our family (well) that will be invited to the party . . .so I am just planning on having really small parties.

I don't think it was like this (to the same extent) when we were growing up. I think parties in general have spiraled out of control.

[pemja]

This summer we went to a 5-yo birthday party. In lieu of gifts, everyone brought a wrapped book and they did a book swap. Sat in a circle, played music, passed the books around, and when the music stopped, everyone got to unwrap and keep the book that they held. It worked great! The mom said that they went to a party like that, and her son decided he wanted to do it too. Didn't care about not having his own gifts to open. And, his mom didn't put together party favor bags filled of items made in China -- instead, everyone left with a nice new book. The mom had some extra wrapped books there, so that, for example, my young daughter participated too (since I had only brought one book).

A few weeks later, my son had his 4-yo birthday party. Gift time was a nightmare. All the kids wanted him to open their present first, my son got overwhelmed, and at the end of the party we had a bunch of crappy plastic toys that he played with for a few minutes. Next year, we'll do the book swap!

[Imvishta]

Originally Posted by Ambrose

<snip>

I make my family and Amazon.Com wish List, if anyone wants to know what DD or DH or I want for Xmas or whatever, I direct them there which give a general idea of what we like/want. It's not the be-all-end-all whether they get things directly from the list. But it sure gives someone and idea of what NOT to get IMO.

<snip>

That's what I was trying to convey in my post and on my wish list. Most of the items say something like "this or something like it as long as it has an off button for sound." Those types of things that give the giver some idea as to what we and he would like, instead of shooting into the dark, so to speak.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by newmommy

I see alot of Birthday threads where the Mom is asking how to delicately ask the Guests not to bring gifts to their kids Birthday Party or give alternatives as to what they CAN bring.

Why has this become the norm?

What happened to simple days when your Guests could just bring whatever they wanted to bring?

Some people get a certain joy AND put in alot of time picking out that special gift for their loved one. Why rob people of that?

When DS is invited to someone's Birthday Party, I am genuinely excited for that Child and I spend a great deal of time and effort finding out what he/she would like for their Birthday.

And DS enjoys giving the gift to the Birthday Child.

Sure you may have a house cluttered with plastic toys and nonsensical frous frous but that's the fun of it all.

I just don't think it's fair to put all these "restrictions" on the Guests who want to just celebrate with your child on that special day and in doing so, giving them a gift without restrictions.

Just my .02 cents.

ITA! I think it's extremely rude to assume someone is going to bring a gift in the first place just because you invited them. There has never been a section on a birthday invitation where people put "please BRING gifts" so why put on there "do not bring gifts." That doesn't make since to me.

However, I also wonder where the gift-giving even originated at years ago. There have been times I wish I could tell people not to bring a gift and that our child just wants them to come and show up and celebrate but I don't do it. I realize it's rude to say such a thing. Most people in this day and time in our culture just automatically want to bring a gift. I know I do!

One thing I can't stand to hear people do for a party is to tell the guests to donate money to a charitable organization. I think that's wrong and in some ways it can be very tacky. What if a guest is asked to give to an organization they don't support/agree in. That doesn't seem fair. Plus, they might WANT to give a gift to the birthday child/adult and they have every right to do so on their own free will. It's just rude IMO to tell someone what they have to spend their own $$ on.