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Dispirited Mama Here

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
Does anyone go thru stages of feeling like the day-to-day stuff is just grinding you down to a shadow of your former, vibrant self? I used to be fun, I used to be spontaneous and free-spirited. Now I'm married, and stuck doing household chores daily with a husband who works 60-70 hours/week and has absolutely no interest in me. Fortunately, he loves our son and still has a spark of interest in his voice when he talks to him. I have been dreaming about getting divorced but I recognize it would only start an entirely new set of complications. . .
post #2 of 12
Bless your heart. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. It can be so difficult to keep a household running smoothly, especially when you're having marital problems on top of everything else. Whenever I get into a rut, I try to remember how lucky I really am and all the things I have to be thankful for.

Having a healthy child who is able to walk, run, play, and live a full life is one of the main blessings that I keep in mind. I remember a couple of months ago, I was having a particularly bad day with Chase & my husband & work & money, and it felt like everything was going wrong. Then I saw this little girl coming into the hospital where I work in her daddy's arms. She was wearing leg braces and was completely stiff, and you could tell she had a severely debilitating medical condition -- cerebral palsy or something similar, maybe. Seeing that little girl was like a splash of cold water in my face -- God's way of showing me that my life wasn't so rough after all. It's remembering things like that that help me to keep going even when things get a little rough.

That's not to say that your problems aren't big and real to you, and I hope you don't take offense to what I said, but it's just something that helps me get through the day and I thought it might help you.

I really feel for you, and I hope things get better for you soon.
post #3 of 12
Thread Starter 

I regard your comments highly because the signature line you have chosen at the end of your posts is, in my humble opinion, one of the most beautiful and compelling things any songwriter has ever come up with. Blessings on you, and thanks. Calgal
post #4 of 12
Marital issues are hard. I find it is hard to truly enjoy my son and pregnancy, when I am so fed up with my husband. My husband is a wonderful father, but not so great husband. I am teetering on the edge as to whether we are going to stay together. I feel better having a good back up plan for if we do break up. Coming from a divorced family that was better for it I know that my parents are better people apart. My mom would have never grown into the awesome woman she is if she had stayed with my father, and he wouldn't have grown as a person either. Not to say what is right for you because only you know that, but I know for me what I look at in my marriage is if we would be better people and thrive more apart than we are together. I know it is hard to know that since it is unknown, but if the relationship is completely choking who you are than you may be better apart.
post #5 of 12
This is going to sound boring, but...

have you gone for couples counseling? My dp and I did it a few years ago before we got married, and it was incredibly helpful to us. (My sister did it with her ex before she got divorced, and she also found it very helpful, even though the marriage ended.)

If you are having so much trouble in your marriage that you would like to leave, your husband should agree to go! Even if you would decide to break up, or worse, to continue on the present footing, you could decide to do it together. And in the best case, you could recapture your former communication and show your love for each other again. The main thing is, you need to be heard about how you feel. It's not that counseling can avert a bad outcome, but that it can help you hear your partner and get heard by him.
post #6 of 12
I second Captain Optimism
Marriage is hard work, and unless you or your children are being abused I believe couples should work as hard as they can to stay together. Obviously if your husband isn't willing to do the work your situation is even harder. If he won't go, go by yourself and at least use the therapy as a way to prepare yourself for a divorce. There is also the possiblity that any improvements you make on your own may have a positive effect on your marriage.
Often times it seems as though SAHMs are more like single parents and I know how terrible that feeling is, so I am sending some good thoughts your way and hope your situation works out for the best.
post #7 of 12
Are you tired? I know that when I get overtired, I get overwhelmed easily. If it's possible to get somebody to come over for a few hours while you take a nice bubble bath and some sleep. Maybe join the local YMCA and take some time to take in an exersise class or just sit in the hot tub for a while...our local Y has a nice childcare area and they come get me if my ds cries. For me, sometimes just getting in the water with my child helps to relax both of us if we are having a rough time. Sometimes ds will get so relaxed that he zonks out in the pool and naps for a while after we get home.

I would agree that, unless you or your son are being abused, it is really worth doing what you are able to save the marriage. Divorce doesn't solve problems, it just changes them. Even the best marriages have rough spots, and from a developmental psychology perspective, it has been proven that the most stressful time for a marriage are the first few years after the birth of your first child.

Since this is already too long, I will just finish with saying that Yes, I have been there too...am still there. I have my up days and down days...and so does my husband. Hang in there.

Warm thoughts,
post #8 of 12
Daisy D,
I dont know if i agree(about couples working hard to stay together). It seems to me that two people who should be together, should compliment each other and should make each others lives easier. you hear this everywhere that marriage is hard work and relationships take hard work and to me it just seems very flawed. How much should one person sacrifice to be with another person-a very personal choice. I always think of the CSNY song Our House: "life used to be so hard, now everything is easy 'cause of you'. I know that when two people have kids it complicates things so much and from experience i know that you do have to do everything you can to do the right thing, not just for yourself but for your kids as well. Maybe it is just idealistic of me to think this way, i just feel people should just realize when they shouldnt be together and accept it instead of killing themselves to make it work.
Calgal007, i know this post probably wont help you much i just wanted to voice my opinion. my heart goes out to you and like i said, i sympathize because i am in a relationship that i do not know about. my partner treats me really well and i love him. he is a good father. we got together when i was just out of hs as was he. i try to be with him but i always feel discontent. i feel we do not work well together and i feel ive learned all i can from him. i question if i am in love with him and my heart tells my no. i guess i still have hope that i will change my mind but so often in the back of my mind i feel like i will regret it if i do not let this go and move on. I was never just my adult self. i was a kid, then a girlfriend then a mama and wife and i feel like i need to reclaim myself. listen to me go on and on with all this bullshit. anyways i wish you well. you are stronger than you know as i think we all are. -jessica
post #9 of 12
Thread Starter 
My head agrees that unless there is abuse, a couple should try to work thru the rough spots. My heart says that my husband is emotionally unavailable -- I just thought in the begining that because he shared his history with me it meant eventually we'd share emotional stuff as well. That hasn't happened. I can honestly say I do not know him any better now than I did when we first met, and we have been married over 10 years. I made some major miscalculations and misreadings about the guy. However, he is heroic in the sense that he has overcome unbelievable odds to be the sane, sober individual that he is now, so I see that as well. I wish making adult decisions weren't so complicated.
post #10 of 12
I guess I don't think of going to counseling as "killing themselves to make it work." I mean, it was a big, tough thing to get ourselves to counseling. My partner resisted mightily. I think that's a common experience. But once we were there, we both really liked it. Neither of us ever dragged our feet about going to a session. Our counselor was successful in providing a safe space for us to talk about how things were going. It was way less painful than not talking about it! For us, it was a way to cement our committment. For others, it might be a way to let go of something that isn't working. The main thing is to get a third party who thinks that both of you are worthwhile people who deserve to be listened to. Someone who knows how to help you listen to each other!

It sounds like you still deeply respect your husband, which I think is pretty major. It doesn't mean that you should or shouldn't stay with him, but it does mean that you are coming from a good place to make a good decision. That you respect him must come through in your daily lives together, and that's only going to help you.

If it's okay to add, I really respect you for the way you are thinking about him. Here you are, very unhappy, but you are still able to remember why you respect your partner. That shows your character. If you aren't being abused and there is no crisis, you have plenty of time to figure out what you need and then get it.
post #11 of 12
Thread Starter 
captain optimism: you have given yourself an apt on-line name! thanks for your input. it gives me an outsider's perspective and i need one, desperately.
post #12 of 12
Again, way to go C.O.
I think that marriage shouldn't always be hard, but problems, especially when two people are involved, do not solve themselves easily.
My husband and I have many friends just entering their early 30's who already have one divorce under their belts: It seems as though as soon as the situation gets a bit tough, the couples were screaming "divorce".
Marriage is about compromise and negotiation and that takes work and commitment and love.
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