For those who circ'd #1 and not your other ds...need advice

[cjarvis]

Hi All,
I have just found this community but only a month ago and I have realized how "mainstream" and naive I have been about vax's, and now circ's.

My first ds(4yrs) was circ'd at 2wks (had to wait for other reasons). I remember that day and it makes me feel bad that he was in pain and I could tell he was in pain all day. But he is fine and we have had no complications because of the procedure thankfully.

I am just so confused and torn right now on what to do for ds #2 due in a few weeks. I feel like I can't go thru with the procedure and my husband doesn't think it is a big deal but he is also very supportive and sensitive guy. I think he thinks that the new baby will feel different and akward if he is not like dh and his older brother and since I am not a man I can't speak on that side of things. Maybe dh has seen some things growing up that makes him think this way. I know I can show him tons of literature and he knows it's an cosmetic procedure and only in the US we do this more than any other country, etc, etc.

I guess what I am looking for is some families who have a son circ'd but didn't circ any others and what do you tell family, do you think your sons really care or notice a difference, do you think the uncirc'd one feels bad because he isn't circ'd.

I just can't tell you guys how torn I am and I know it seems like a no brainer not to do it, but I just can't explain how confused I feel. I guess I have lots of concerns also because I have never taken care of an intact penis and fact the only one's I have ever seen are my dh and my ds, both circ'd.

Thanks for any support or advice that can be given.
-Crystal

[Shenjall]

I have both! First off, intact is waaaay easier to take care of.

Second, I have 3 boys circd (10-16) and one intact (6).Its soooo not an issue. They are all different anyway, one has brown curly hair, the other straight dirty blonde, etc. The older ones asked about the intact boy once when he was around 1yr (going thru his nekkid stage) we explained it simply. And that was it. No teasing, nothing. It hasnt come up since.

Theres lots of mamas with both.

Good luck!

[Fi.]

and since I am not a man I can't speak on that side of things.

You don't have to be !

Did you feel awkward as a child (or as an adult) because your mom had breasts and you didn't? Or because your vaginas looked different? I know I sure didn't.

[jmcqabigler]

If you read some of the other threads there are alot of poeple who have had this happen and there is another currant thread that is talking about this. For the most part they prople will not ever notice the rate of circumsision is going down and you can just teel them the truth that you did not know any better if they ask about why they are different.
None of my boys are circed but my first was born with only a partial forskin and is more exposed then his other brothers but has never evan noticed the difference.
Good luck just know that with an intact baby you do not need to do anything just leave them alone. Also you may need to tell others who may take care of him not to retract his forskin when they change them. I had a friend do this to my son when he was one fortunatly it did not hurt him but he ended up retracted much earlier than normal because of it. So unfortunally you may need to inform others of how to take care fo your son properly.

[Canadianmommax3]

my boys are 11 and 9 the oldest is and youngest isn't. There has never been questions or issues about why one looks this way and other doesn't. Which i am glad.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Cleaning of the intact penis is as follows:

1) Wipe during diaper changes and baths as you would a finger, from the base to the tip. All done.

NEVER retract (pull back the foreskin toward the body) for any reason and make sure that everyone, including health care workers, Dr's etc. know before the diaper comes off that they are not allowed to touch the penis.

If the boy becomes retractable while you still help him bath simply ask him if he wants to retract and swish, NO SOAP, just plain water. If he is to young to do it then he is to young to worry about it.

There are several mothers here who have one circ'ed and one intact and as far as they have told it just isnt a issue.

[Super Pickle]

Dear Crystal,
Hi and welcome to the forum. I have both and it is really no big deal. When my older son noticed for the first time, I briefly explained that when he was born, we thought he needed an operation in order to be healthy, but when his brother came along, we learned that there was no reason to do it so we didn't.
Saying no to circumcision for my second son was the best decision I've ever made. I was a little apprehensive at first because I was doing something that felt "different" (my family all circ's) but when the moment of truth came, saying "No!" was the easiest, most natural thing in the world, and I've never regretted it for a second.
Good luck with your pregnancy!

[iris0110]

My oldest ds is circ'd, his baby brother isn't. Honestly it has never even come up though ds1 has watched me change his brother's dipes plenty of times. Now i will admit ds1 is autistic and so he may not even notice anyway. Dh was a bit concerned about ds2 feeling different because he wouldn't look like him and ds1 and all of our nephews. But I didn't feel liek that was a good enough reason to take somethign so important from him. Besides my one nephew has had alot of trouble with his circ. He has a hidden penis. I can remember my SIL complaining about having to pull the fat pad back away from his penis when changing his diapers and clean around it. Sometimes the skin would adhere and she would have to seperate it causing him to bleed and cry. It was the awfulest thing I have ever seen. Even now at 3 when he is naked you can only just see the tiniest tip of his penis, the rest is back in his body. He can't pee standing up like a normal little boy, he pees all over his pants if he tries so he has to sit down. When the boys decide it would be fun to err "water" my rose bushes he can't hold his out and jsut leans and usually gets his pants soaked. It's really sad. I can't imagine what it will be like for him in the locker room as a teen, or how many problems he will have as an adult. (so much for the argument that intact boys will be picked on in the locker room : ) I don't even want to know if SIL still has to break the adhesions from time to time. It's just too sad for words. But I think the worst part is that she was shocked when we didn't have ds2 done. She says if she has another boy she will have him done too, despite all of the problems her first has had. :

[cjarvis]

Thank you for all your replies.

I talked to dh last night and he has a reason for doing the circ and I have my reasons for not. He remembers kids in school being teased because they were uncirc'd and he is really worried about the emotional conflicts that could be upon our ds because he is not circ'd. Whereas I am worried about the emotional and pain of the actual circ. So, he said we both have our reasons based on our emotions, which is true.

So does anyone have teenagers or older boys who have problems being teased?

Thanks,
Crystal

[nd_deadhead]

I have twin boys, both intact, and we live in a very high-circ area. My boys have been teased for being tall, for having acne, for having a bad hair day, for being identical twins, for being lousy volleyball players.

They have never been teased for having a foreskin.

It's important to help kids develop self-respect, and to learn to deal with bullies (because ALL kids are going to get teased about something, at some point). To me it seems completely counter to teaching a boy to respect his body and himself, if his parents authorize cosmetic surgery on him "so he'll be like everyone else". We try to teach our kids that everyone is different, and to celebrate and appreciate those differences. Teaching a child that being different is so terrible that you have to have an operation goes against that philosophy.

What if the school bully is intact, and teases the circumcised kids?

[caricandothis]

Originally Posted by Super Pickle

Dear Crystal,

Saying no to circumcision for my second son was the best decision I've ever made. I was a little apprehensive at first because I was doing something that felt "different" (my family all circ's) but when the moment of truth came, saying "No!" was the easiest, most natural thing in the world, and I've never regretted it for a second.
Good luck with your pregnancy!

Ditto.

My older son is 11 and hasn't noticed the difference yet but when he does and if he questions, I will explain it to him just as simply as I can and leave the door open for more communication later, when he's ready for it.

My advice--just don't do it. You will regret it so much if you do and all these questions you have now will be moot point once you realize the gift you've given (or, left, rather lol) your little boy. Good luck with dh, I know firsthand how difficult that can be.

[njeb]

Originally Posted by cjarvis

Thank you for all your replies.

I talked to dh last night and he has a reason for doing the circ and I have my reasons for not. He remembers kids in school being teased because they were uncirc'd and he is really worried about the emotional conflicts that could be upon our ds because he is not circ'd. Whereas I am worried about the emotional and pain of the actual circ. So, he said we both have our reasons based on our emotions, which is true.

So does anyone have teenagers or older boys who have problems being teased?

Thanks,
Crystal

I have two grown intact sons, ages 27 and 19. The youngest was still living at home when I started posting here; I had never heard of the "locker room" argument until reading this board! It had NEVER occurred to me that my ds would be teased about being intact! So, worried, I asked my then high school junior if he'd ever been teased, since we also live in a high-circ. area. His answer? "He**, no!" He then went on to say that looking at another boy's equipment in the locker room is a big no-no at his school--the one doing the teasing would get teased back for looking.

My point is, you do NOT have to worry about your sons' getting teased. Besides, the circ. rate is falling; it's not nearly as high now as it was when your dh was in school. There will be some other intact boys in the locker room with your ds.

[myfairbabies]

here is a good thread about this
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=468867

[DreamsInDigital]

I have one circ'd son and 2 intact sons. My oldest son knows what he is missing and rather than the younger two feeling odd, he is the one that does. I have not meant for this to happen, but with my gained knowledge he has learned with me.
I do not worry about who will say what to my sons as they grow older because no one should be looking at my kids' foreskins or lack thereof anyway.

[13Sandals]

Originally Posted by cjarvis

Thank you for all your replies.

I talked to dh last night and he has a reason for doing the circ and I have my reasons for not. He remembers kids in school being teased because they were uncirc'd and he is really worried about the emotional conflicts that could be upon our ds because he is not circ'd. Whereas I am worried about the emotional and pain of the actual circ. So, he said we both have our reasons based on our emotions, which is true.

So does anyone have teenagers or older boys who have problems being teased?


Thanks,
Crystal

of course intact kids in your DH's generation were teased - 90% of the baby boys born then were circ'd. Your DH would probably be very surprised to find out that the circumcision rate in the US is now about 53%. Baby boys being born now will not be teased. they will be in good company!!

ETA - my 10 year old has never been teased - but I taught him what to say if anyone ever asked about the difference. it would not matter to my DS even if everyone around him were circ'd (his father is circ'd as well). When we talked about it he said' "Mom, you know I would never swear, but the person who came up with circumsicion was a crazy son-of-a-b*tch." (Insert innocence icon!)...I was proud of him.

[Shenjall]

Not to mention, most schools teach respect and intolerance, etc. There was no worrying about a kids feelings back then, no way. But I've noticed theres alot of concern about a child's emotional well being in the schools today.

[TigerTail]

If anyone is going to feel bad, it's not going to be the kid who got to keep all his penis. My kids are not begging to 'look like Daddy', they feel bad for anybody that happened to. If someone tryed to tease them they'd look at them like they had two heads (or rather, less than one whole one ).

"Ha ha! Your mother didn't have someone cut off part of your d!ck!"
Um, yeah.

[GoodMomma]

Our son is circ'ed unfortunately basically because we thought that it had to be done when you have a boy. Didn't bother looking it up or anything. It's sad how parents care more about looking up crib bedding then needless surgery on their baby boy. Anywho... if we ever have another boy, he'll remain intact of course. When/if the questions ever get asked then we'll just explain to our 1st son why we circ'ed him... we didn't know better at the time, etc. Same with family. Some of my family already knows that we regret our decision. So I really don't think it'll be an issue with them. My younger adopted brother is intact, so they know it's possible, lol.

[GoodMomma]

Originally Posted by iris0110

My oldest ds is circ'd, his baby brother isn't. Honestly it has never even come up though ds1 has watched me change his brother's dipes plenty of times. Now i will admit ds1 is autistic and so he may not even notice anyway. Dh was a bit concerned about ds2 feeling different because he wouldn't look like him and ds1 and all of our nephews. But I didn't feel liek that was a good enough reason to take somethign so important from him. Besides my one nephew has had alot of trouble with his circ. He has a hidden penis. I can remember my SIL complaining about having to pull the fat pad back away from his penis when changing his diapers and clean around it. Sometimes the skin would adhere and she would have to seperate it causing him to bleed and cry. It was the awfulest thing I have ever seen. Even now at 3 when he is naked you can only just see the tiniest tip of his penis, the rest is back in his body. He can't pee standing up like a normal little boy, he pees all over his pants if he tries so he has to sit down. When the boys decide it would be fun to err "water" my rose bushes he can't hold his out and jsut leans and usually gets his pants soaked. It's really sad. I can't imagine what it will be like for him in the locker room as a teen, or how many problems he will have as an adult. (so much for the argument that intact boys will be picked on in the locker room : ) I don't even want to know if SIL still has to break the adhesions from time to time. It's just too sad for words. But I think the worst part is that she was shocked when we didn't have ds2 done. She says if she has another boy she will have him done too, despite all of the problems her first has had. :

Shannon, does your sister know that this is from circ'ing?

[GoodMomma]

Originally Posted by cjarvis

Thank you for all your replies.

I talked to dh last night and he has a reason for doing the circ and I have my reasons for not. He remembers kids in school being teased because they were uncirc'd and he is really worried about the emotional conflicts that could be upon our ds because he is not circ'd. Whereas I am worried about the emotional and pain of the actual circ. So, he said we both have our reasons based on our emotions, which is true.

So does anyone have teenagers or older boys who have problems being teased?

Thanks,
Crystal

With the circ rates going down like they are, chances are your little man won't be the only intact boy in the locker room. Hopefully your DH will come around.