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Feeling as if I'm being deleated

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
My dd is 4 years old and when she was 1 and half she was moved 7 hours away by her daddy to live with him and his mother and stepdad. I've not got to see her very much because of my ex not "feeling that it is right" he is still hung up on me and is upset cause he lost his total control over me after I left him, so now he uses our daughter as a way of control over me. he lied to me and the courts and got full custody of her with out me receiving any paper work. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with all this when on top of it she is now calling his mother (her grandmother) which they live with Mommy and me her mommy "mommy jennifer" It really hurts and they encourage it. when she is here and she does it in front of me she stops and corrects her self but it hurts me even more to see the look on her face like she has done something really wrong but it is not her falt she was taught this. When I say something to her dad he just tells me I've over reacting and I need to get over myself. I'm hoping this summer I can take it back to court and get custody over her before she starts school. I really do not feel that they are really helping her emotionally with how they address me and since I've gotten married and had another child they have gotten worse about everything. Anyone else have to deal with this kind of stuff?
Deleted... sorry...
post #2 of 8
oh sorry to hear she refers to grandmom and mom, yuk, sounds unhealthy to me. and i don't think it is ok or right for them to encourage it. they should make it very clear that she is grandma, not mom.

sounds like you have had some distance and time between you two, which makes it difficult enough to have a relationship, but there has been some time between you and your ex, is he still hung up on you?

in my state (florida), no parent can move outside a tricounty area (unless given permission) so that the kids are not too far apart. also my state supports (or is moving more in this direction) 50/50 visitation.

my ds (step son) lives about 2.5 hrs from his bm, but because she moved out of the tricounty area she is responsible for pickup and dropoff. also we call her mom and we call her mommy xxxxx, but i'm sure he just calls her mommy. we just put her name in to let him know we are talking about the other mom.

i would find out if it is appropriate for grandma to be called mom, in addition do you have a court order dictating visitation? it is in the best interest to be involved in your daughters life and perhaps you could try to get 50/50.

i am so sorry that you were separated from dd, him moving that far away was a little unfair, it would make it so hard to see dd, and i could see how it could be distressing to you.

if you end up with a shitty lawyer, or none at all, you can get really screwed on top of paying out a ton of money.

even if you see her not so often, take advantage of daily phone calls, send her letters, perhaps you could email her pics and stuff. the most important thing her and she will do best to know you are there for her, even if it is not physically as much as you like. no one can delete you.
post #3 of 8
Thread Starter 
I've tried the calling thing. He does not answer his phone or tells me she is in bed or that she is not with him at that time. And when I keep calling he gets really pissy. Dealing with him is really hard cause he is still hung up on me and sometimes talks to me in ways that he really should not talk to anyone. He has always been really good at breaking my spirit and such. I live in North Carolina and he moved to Maryland and I have to get a lawyer for up there. When I asked for the transcripts from the hearing that I did not go to cause I did not find out about it till it was too late they said I had to file a bunch of stuff and when I asked them what they were and how to do it they said I needed to get a lawyer to help me. ... But because I'm not a resident of Maryland I can't get help from any program, so I have to pay lawyer fees up front, and there are not any laws here saying that one parent can't move away with out any notice if custody is not established. I've been running in circles for the past 2+ years over all this. So we are hoping at tax time we can use our return for a lawyer and get full custody of her. I'm hoping I can prove that he is not the best for her for many reasons. But the one lawyer I've spoken to said that I may not be able to use the fact that he was abusive to me to get custody of her. Who knows from what I understand of the law is that more times than not it does not protect the people getting hurt but the people that causes the hurt.
post #4 of 8
first, lots of hugs, because you are in tough place.

second, the custody thing will be determined on HER best interest only, so im not sure if they will take your prior abuse into account, unless it has affected dd. having her call grandma - mom may be an intimidation/abuse tactic in a sense. but if he is not abusive to her, then he may get custody. he may try to show abandonment if you don't maintain contact regularly.

I would document EVERYTHING FROM NOW ON! keep a log of everything and in order, this will be your defense. You are entitled to daily phone contact, so i would *if possible* work out a daily time with him to call or inform him of a time to call every day. what time would she be home most consistenly, 7:00am or perhaps 7:00pm. then call everyday at that time, if he doesnt answer, leave a message and leave it at that. if he wont let you talk to her, just kindly say goodbye and try again tomarrow. but do it everyday, at about the same time and LOG EVERYTHING, including what happened.

also emails are good 'evidence' and any letters or gifts you send should be sent with a signature return card. if possible scan or take pictures of anything you send as well. i know this sounds very tedious, but one things is it is ABSOLUTELY the most inexpensive way to prepare your case, and your lawyer will not be doing this footwork.

my ds mom called the police on my dh and filed a "harrasing and obscene phone" charge against him. she didnt even answere the phone and he was calling at 7 every night (like he had done for the year previous), but her new hubby got annoyed by it. we had to go to court to order daily phone contact. in addition she was ordered to take parenting classes for other reasons and they were ordered to do joint counseling.

i think the joint counseling might be a good idea for you both, it is more documented proof and it may be beneficial.

you will have to bide the time until you go to court, but just do your job the best you can as mommy and always be polite and mature, dont take it personally, especially since this sounds like a way he has controlled you before.

also you can request a guardian at letium (sp) which is a state issued "lawyer" for your dd, who will represent the best interest of child.

we also file police reports (incident report) for everything when there is an exchange that is not according to court order or is not kosher. also if you need to, you can have an officer do a 'welfare check' on dd.

does mother in law give you any problems, or is she being cordial to you?
post #5 of 8
Thread Starter 
I keep all emails and most phone records already. I've tried many times to keep other accounts but It is hard to keep up with everything sometimes. I also have a paper he typed up a few years ago and made me sign saying that I would have her back to him by a date that if I did not sign I would not even get to see her after I drove to Maryland to get her. The lawyer I spoke to said that it would be something that could be used. His mother and I really don't talk much. Easter the year before last my dd came down with her grandmother and stepgrandfather and I was going to pick her up from them, but her sgf said that he was not going to let me and this was before custody was established so I called the police and waited outside the apt they were to be staying that night. but sgf came and got there things from there with out my dd and was taking them back to another reltives house that I did not know how to get there so I would not be able to get her. The cops pulled sgf after he left the first place to ask where dd was but he would not tell and they could not do anything else. Sad to say that just caused more problems with everyone. And they act like I had no right trying to get my dd that day. These people think they can do anything they want with out having to explain themselves and that they have every right to do these things.
post #6 of 8
well i hope you do have a friend or 2 to talk to about this. it is very sad.

im happy to hear you are keeping records. in my state gp have NO rights, and if they are interferring in any way that could be brought to court on basis of custodial interference and could be ordered to stay away, so keep a record of that too. we got the gm order away for 6 mo. i know its hard to keep it up, especially when things drag out.

we also bought a recorder from radio shack and recorded each phone call, as he is continuing to abuse you, this is totally unacceptable, he is still trying to control you. and who cares if he gets pissy you call, you are exercising your parental right to have daily phone contact, and he has to get over it, it is not about him.

i know its tough, and i know those things make it worse, so you should do what you feel is best for your scenario. also is it possible to get counceling, this would be helpful and could be used in court as well.

im sure my dh would have pressed kidnapping charges on gf if he did not turn over dc. you should try to get a copy of the report if you dont already have one.

they are picking on you and really need to grow up.
post #7 of 8
Thread Starter 
Thank you...
I plan on pulling out all the stops when we got to court. I have some things he does not know about that i plan on using in my favor. I feel if he can be petty then I can too when it comes to the little things that bother me. I just needed to know that i was not over reacting on the whole grand mother being called mommy thing and me being treated as a outsider so to speak. I just seems so impersonal to be called by my first name by my child. One day she will be old enough to make judgments for her self on the whole thing. We just wrapped some Christmas presents together and made some ornaments for the tree.. I just hope moments like these she remembers and holds on to.
post #8 of 8
she definately will! she needs you!

and shame on gm and gd!

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