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November dating thread - Page 8

post #141 of 164
Thread Starter 
Mountain, I would say something to him, he probably just isn't thinking about it...you could always use a joking tone
post #142 of 164
my ex was a neat-freak, I think I'd enjoy a sloppy guy for a while but I think cleaning the bathroom for yourself is a great idea.
post #143 of 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by pranamama View Post
my ex was a neat-freak, I think I'd enjoy a sloppy guy for a while but I think cleaning the bathroom for yourself is a great idea.
I don't want to offer because I don't spend a whole lot of time at his place. He comes to my place mostly b/c ds is set up here. He cleans here, does dishes after dinner, helps pick up toys etc. I think he is tidy and dirty. Which might be a good balance b/c I am clean and messy.
post #144 of 164
On the tidiness issue, that is tricky. I just read a woman's post in Parents as Partners that made made me think I might never live with a stinky man again.

I got an email from my date and he wrote, "Thank you for evening we shared. I appreciate the time to reflect on our conversations..."

I think I got him thinkin'...

Who says I'm not changing the world?
One date at a time!

Food for thought: What I love about this dating thing, even my most recent ltr, is that I don't owe him anything or he me really. Mutual kindness and respect is always a good thing, more loving considerations are a bonus too, but I can walk away. After having children with two men who are hateful and abusive, I really appreciate just having the option of walking away from any relationship that takes me further away from wholeness.
post #145 of 164
Hi BelovedK,
I checked our your myspace and requested that you add me as a friend. I'm from Richmond, too, originally and I just get a good feeling! Great pictures and lists....good luck with the phone number on the car guy. Gives me hope!
post #146 of 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by browneyedsol View Post
Mutual kindness and respect is always a good thing, more loving considerations are a bonus too, but I can walk away. After having children with two men who are hateful and abusive, I really appreciate just having the option of walking away from any relationship that takes me further away from wholeness.
I LOVE this. so incredibly insightful. I think with any relationship ( I always think of 'relationships' as with anyone you meet!) if you are not at a great energy level (for the most part, there's always ups & downs, drains and boosts, times when one person needs more care/attention) then what's the point?

I like that you're approaching this with such a healthy attitude sol...how inspiring and growth inducing!

Ah, it was the birthday yesterday...i feel so blessed to have my wonderful friends...my bf was upset a few weeks ago, y'all might remember? thinking I didn't want to support his art--I did but just didn't know how to show it. Anyway, he gave me a gift of a songbook he made, with our song we wrote together and others he'd learned for me on the cover, music staff pages inside...it was so sweet I almost cried.

i know the myspace thing is silly. i don't think i'm gonna bring it up unless it really starts to bother me lol...thanks beloved & lucy...this being human thing is hard, but you're right...it's more FUN!


i always have a hard time not cleaning my bf's place, and it's not even messier than mine lol. i think we have to watch out as mothers, to not mother our boyfriends too much.

We had this really interesting talk about marriage yesterday, our first...we agreed it "might be too soon to get engaged" hahaha...and laughed. Philosophically, I think we should talk about marriage

What are everyone's thoughts? I think it's kind of a financial-based institution, but I'd really like to have a bonding ceremony/ celebration of love marriage maybe without signing the papers...
post #147 of 164
Quote:
What are everyone's thoughts? I think it's kind of a financial-based institution, but I'd really like to have a bonding ceremony/ celebration of love marriage maybe without signing the papers...
I'm a rules, gal. So, calling it "marriage" and using the words "husband" and "wife" w/o the legal documentation literally makes my stomach hurt. I tried it. It didn't work for me. (Which is why I ended up married to someone I shouldn't have been! LOL Live and learn.)

I think marriage is definitely a business relationship. The love relationship is separate and they both need maintaining if the marriage is to work.

I don't know if I'll get married, again. I like being a wife, but the whole idea scares me. I don't want to be tied to anyone like that, again. At least not now. I've got my kids. I feel like that's all the "forever" I can take.

I can't imagine having a man *and* kids to deal with. It seems overwhelming.

Of course, that's me today. I could feel completely different tomorrow. But, I probably won't.
post #148 of 164
Hm. This is a good conversation. I wonder if we should start a thread called, "What do you think about marriage?" I worry if we keep it here, we'll kill the dating thread. Really, just kidding.

Perhaps my feelings about marriage are idealistic, but I don't think I'll wear that ring unless I find a man who cherishes me almost as much as I cherish my children. This word: CHERISH is very fundamental for me when marriage comes to mind. I've never been married. Looking back on my relationships, I have to sadly say I've come to the conclusion that sex motivated my ex partners. Even my last ex. I thought he might be the one. To truly cherish someone means you work work work like a dog to love them and keep on loving them. There was work he just isn't willing or able to do, and I decided to let it go and clear that path for my true Knight.

That's right. I'm waiting for the Noble Knight. Trust me, I don't need to be rescued like a damsel, but I need that upright shiney guy on the horse...in some way shape or form. He needs to be willing to get a little crazy for me. Sorry, but I believe in all that shining armor shit to a degree. True chivalry, ladies. There was a time...there can be again!

Maybe it's like believing in fairies, and I DO! I DO!

post #149 of 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by browneyedsol View Post
Hm. This is a good conversation. I wonder if we should start a thread called, "What do you think about marriage?" I worry if we keep it here, we'll kill the dating thread. Really, just kidding.

Maybe it's like believing in fairies, and I DO! I DO!


I do too! lol killing the dating thread with seriousness, huh---

I ponder this though b/c i just don't know if I'd ever trust anyone enough to take on their financial liablities...and I know for a fact that you only get a tax break is if you're richer than me...which doesn't mean much.

Knowing that my bf has asked someone to marry him previously...I wonder about this I guess. I don't know, I know I'm jumping the gun @ 3 months!

So today I stopped by his house, he told me he had something he wanted to talk to me about...I guess when we were out last night I introduced him as my friend, which he kept stammering was fine, but he wondered if we were "thinking the same way" if I thought of him as 'only' a friend, etc. I guess he wanted me to say "boyfriend" which I think is so cute, and honestly it was so endearing to hear him be vulnerable like that. I assured him I thought of him as deeper than a friend...but that he IS my friend so that's how I was thinking...

I took the opportunity
to say, oh well on that subject...you have that you're looking to date on your webpage...hee hee. I guess it did bother me, and as long as we're being open He said, "oh yeah, I could see how that wouldn't be polite"

Anyway, alls well that ends well...off to ponder marriage : just kidding.
post #150 of 164
Never want to get married again here. I might enter a marriage-like relationship again and if it was super important to my p I would consider it....after like 10 years of being together. Cuz apperently 3 years isn't long enough (that is how long stbx and I were together before getting married). I think my biggest aversion to marriage is planning the wedding. I hated it!!!!1
If I ever do get married again its gonna be barefoot in the backyard with like 10 people there. Then we can just go out for dinner. NO cooking, decorations, invitations etc.
I am kinda a low maitnance kinda of gal.


Now back ON topic
I have been getting to know current bf for about 3 months and seriously dating for about a month. I think there might have been an oops with my birth control. Should know by Saterday if I am actually pregnant or just tired and sick for another reason.
How do you break this to someone you have only been dating for such a short time? I haven't said anything yet, but he is really concerned about why I want to go to bed at 8pm and not wanting to eat dinner. I think he might suspect but hasn't said anything.
post #151 of 164
o.k. I'm new to this thread but I wanted to find some info on background checks and found this, LOL

I've been talking to a guy I met on eharmony (during a free trial. woohoo! ) for almost 2 weeks. We seem to agree on most everything, and he's very open to learning new things, accepting new ideas, etc. He is Christian, like me, and we agree on just about every spiritual topic.

Anyway, it's kind of gotten to that point while we still have plenty to talk about, all the "major" things are out of the way and agreed upon, lol. He wants to move it to the next level, so we agreed to talking on the phone. Something I'm comfortable with (but nervous!). I haven't dated anyone in about 3 yrs, and even 3 yrs ago I went on *ONE* date. Before that I was pregnant or with a baby, and before that I was with my high school boyfriend. So I really haven't had any experience dating in "the real world".

I told him today that I would like to do a background check before meeting in person. I just feel more comfortable about that. i feel it's important to protect myself and my son and while it doesn't ensure nothing will happen, it does give me a bit of security, KWIM?

So has anyone done a background check? If so, what's the cheapest place to do it? I've seen some for $100! I've seen other for $45, but I thought someone, a couple yrs ago, told me about getting it done for $15 at the police department.

thanks!
post #152 of 164

Saw one of the most attractive men I'd encountered in a while

He was at a training with me for city employees. He was outgoing and attractive. He even had a great sense of humor. Problem was I was shy and though we continuously made eye contact, he didn't hit on me.

I would have promptly given him my number, but because he didn't ask, I didn't offer. I wanted to say something to him sooooooooo badly, but I just couldn't. Now, I'm kicking myself and considering calling his department. :
post #153 of 164
girlie librarian, no offense, but he probably has a female somewhere. If you continually made eye contact, but he didn't flirt, that's my first thought.

blessed81902, I have no idea. Sorry. I don't do background checks. If I don't trust you, I don't meet you. I consider myself pretty intuitive and I trust that.

JustVanessa, how...scary! I don't know...maybe not scary to you. I'd be a bit scared.

One more reason to go back to celibacy. I'm finding sex as a single mother to be overwhelming. There are so many things to think about, I have a difficult time relaxing and just being in the moment completely.
post #154 of 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by girlie librarian View Post
Now, I'm kicking myself and considering calling his department. :

Go for it. You have nothing to loose. This isn't someone you will have to see very often if he isn't interested.
If it were me I would call and just maybe ask him if he wants to meet for coffee sometime.

Lucy- Very, very scary. I don't believe in abortion (well I don't believe this situation warrents it, not rape etc) so I know I would keep it....I have no idea how he would take it though.
post #155 of 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy VanPelt View Post
blessed81902, I have no idea. Sorry. I don't do background checks. If I don't trust you, I don't meet you. I consider myself pretty intuitive and I trust that.
I agree to a certain extent. I believe intuition is far more valueable than a background check, and just becuase a background shows nothing doesn't mean they haven't done anything, or aren't ever going to do anything in the future. So to a point, I agree with that. however, I also feel that a background check is a useful tool in addition. When the info is available, why not look at it?

I have a friend who was wth her husband for 5 yrs I believe. They had children together, and he beat her. She finally left him, and when they went to court she found out that he had done this to at least one other woman before her. She says she really felt she was listening to her intuition. I don't ever want to just trust myself, if the info is available. Maybe I don't trust myself as much.
post #156 of 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucy VanPelt View Post
girlie librarian, no offense, but he probably has a female somewhere. If you continually made eye contact, but he didn't flirt, that's my first thought.
That was initially what I thought, but he continuously made references to being single. So... Maybe we were both just too fearful of rejection. That's what I believe...
post #157 of 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustVanessa View Post
Go for it. You have nothing to loose. This isn't someone you will have to see very often if he isn't interested.
If it were me I would call and just maybe ask him if he wants to meet for coffee sometime.
You're right maybe I will. I'm feeling brave!
post #158 of 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blessed81902 View Post

I told him today that I would like to do a background check before meeting in person. I just feel more comfortable about that. i feel it's important to protect myself and my son and while it doesn't ensure nothing will happen, it does give me a bit of security, KWIM?

So has anyone done a background check? If so, what's the cheapest place to do it? I've seen some for $100! I've seen other for $45, but I thought someone, a couple yrs ago, told me about getting it done for $15 at the police department.

thanks!
No experience with background checks here.

I have met 3 men (one of which is my current dp) via eHarmony and I haven't done any background checks. Granted, I had also been in communication with them for a few months before actually meeting them, mostly because they lived in various parts of the US.

I figure if I met them in the grocery store and went on a date with them, I wouldn't consider a background check. And, I actually know more about the online men, by the time we go out for a date, than I do with the man in the grocery store.

But, I always take the typical safety precautions...public place, cell phone, someone knows where I am, etc.

Googling someone's name is a great way to verify information and potentially learn more.
post #159 of 164

This probably should be in the dating thread, but.....

I guess my bf & I are officially over, if we really ever had a relationship anyways. (I had only been seeing him a couple mos.)

I was at his house Saturday night things got hot & heavy & everything, not to get too detailed, but anyways. I called him on Monday and we only talked for maybe 5 min, he sounded like he was mad about something. Then I called him again yesterday and he sounded a lot better, sweet, nice, what have you. I asked him when we could get together again and he said that he didn't know because he had started seeing someone else. At first I thought he was joking because he said I've known her awhile, she's nice, has a couple kids, well I am all of the above so I thought he was just joking meaning me. Then I asked him if maybe we could hang out a couple hours today, he said, "Well, I'll keep it in mind, but that would be a little wierd since he started seeing someone else". That's when I totally started steaming, I didn't argue with him, I just stopped talking to him and let it go at that.

Then today I find out he spent Thanksgiving with this woman & then was with me this past Sat. Nice guy, I am debating on being really mean and e-mailing her to tell her all about it.
post #160 of 164


Let them sort out their relationship. Be thankful you found out how he is after only a couple of months.
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