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November dating thread - Page 2

post #21 of 164
hi girls
post #22 of 164
MsChatsAlot~hugs to you,,,you sound so healthy about it and I really admire that...blessings and peace~

MommytoB~i agree to go for it...exploring possibilities is a good thing

StephandOwen~i met my guy on craigslist (i still find it kind of funny that we met there but there are synchronisitys that happened w/that so I also love the way it happened) and recently i have met men out on walks and a sexy dad at the playground, all this of course, after I met my honey the market has also been a place i've been doing some flirting recentely

Holland~Oh yeah,,,the comprimises definitely can be difficult!

rebbeccameryyl~wow,,,interesting dreams...since your having that theme you really do have some insights to be found there

Jster~things have been wayyy more challenging than i ever expected,,,this is really hard and i'm sad that its not what i thought it would be a lot of the time

JustVanessa~I'm happy for you

stirringleaf~maybe you could do a group thing where you might be able to talk alone part of the time? you could always ask him for coffee or something and tell him you would like to get to know him more or is that cheesy? I had a women friend who was in a committed relationship be really attracted to me and i very politely told her i wasnt really into it but not clearly enough so as our friendship grew, so did her attraction and it got really uncomfortable, I was really niave about it and didnt understand how she could feel that, I can understand something about how that can be...I was really flattered and honestly, liked the attention I was lonely and she was a kindred friend,,,our friendship had to go thru some bumps adn we are staying in touch now but it hasnt been nearly the same closeness we had before,,,which i miss, specially right now

i'm going to spill whats going on with me , i've been holding it in because i felt like i have talked so much about how amazing our meeting was and our connection...to you mamas and people i know and its been ups and downs and really hard and I"m really really sad that it is going this way issues i have are coming out of me so much,,,issues related to fear, trust and self love,,,i thought i had done so much healing and we had prepared ourselves so much for being together and we have had some beautiful times and we have also had some reallly heart wrenching ones too, a lot of it caused by me detaching and closing my heart and being afraid,,,and our love making keeps getting more open, beautiful and orgasmic. i'm confused ,,,i'm also at times scared of losing this. i want to be strong and centered and i'm having a hard time focusing on anything but the relationship most of the time,,,when things are good i feel energized and can accomplish more but the truth is i was happier before he came back thinking of him and thinking how great it would be,,,,i was flirting and bieng flirted with, i havent done that lately...he really does love meand is confused also. there is much good here also,,,,dd is doing awesome,,,her difficult behaviors have about stopped and she is sleeping on her own and nightweaned and co operating so well with it,,,she spent part of the day w/her auntie today and also her aunties roomate and i'm so happy at how she is opening up more and being independent and enjoying being such a big girl. my honey has helped so much with this,,,he is a blessing and i love him very much,,,i also feel like maybe i idealized him and sometimes i see things i dont like in myself in him and i test him,,,,i have tried purposely to push him away many times, i feel my inner fear is doing this, it feels like it finds weak moments to try and control me,,,,oh geez mamas this is tough
post #23 of 164
Stirringleaf- It can be so scary!!
Good to hear about your dd! My ds was alot easier to handle on my own once I nightweaned him too. Glad its goings well with your sweetie!
post #24 of 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by mystic~mama View Post
StephandOwen~i met my guy on craigslist (i still find it kind of funny that we met there but there are synchronisitys that happened w/that so I also love the way it happened) and recently i have met men out on walks and a sexy dad at the playground, all this of course, after I met my honey the market has also been a place i've been doing some flirting recentely
Send some of them my way, please :

I just typed up a whole long post but decided to delete it all before I even posted it. The shortened version is a pity party because I am finding that all guys are jerks. At least all the guys I've met around here. Most guys run when they find out I have a son. Those that don't hit the road when they find out he has autism The one guy who hasn't run is 2 states away and might as well run. He finally admitted last week that the reason he hasn't made a huge effort to come up here is because he's afraid to get too involved with me for fear of getting into something he "can't deal with" (meaning Owen). I applaud him for being honest, but it still stings.
post #25 of 164
Oh, MysticMama, you are right...it is tough.

The best thing to do is take some time for yourself. Really do some soul searching. Additionally, talk to your partner...in complete, utter, confusing honesty. Tell him how you are feeling...the good and the bad. Ask him for what you need.

Another idea would be to read through some relationship self-help books, either by yourself or with your dp. I have read through a couple on my own during a difficult time. It really helped me to work through some of my issues, expectations and how I was relating to dp. And dp and I have read through a couple of them together and we both really enjoyed the experience. We learned so much about each other from those books.
post #26 of 164
Mamas, I need love. Tonight sucks. My ds's lizard died and I'm having issues too...

Mystic mama, maybe it's something in the air...or water...or something, I don't know. It just is HARD no matter what...Stirringleaf, I don't know what you're all wistful about It pretty much sucks when you're looking for a guy AND when you've got them around! lol

And this IS a great journal! I hope it's not a chronicle of my silliness.

I just wonder if I'm too jumpy/paranoid/sensitive/confused right now. I get the feeling sometimes that I should be healthier within myself, but some times I think I'm just coping with a f'ed up world...and it's all we can do.

I was riding so high on all these good vibes this morning...I wrote this love song, etc, spent a couple hours with my bf...this whole thing came up about a trip he's taking this weekend.

Now, a month ago, he was saying we should go down south to the beach...he asked me a week ago, but I said, well since my X was in jail there'd be no one to watch the kids, talked about bringing them along but decided that'd be too hectic...I talked to my friend & she said she'd take them today! So I call to tell him, and he tells me he's leaving Thurs not Fri, and I said oh, i guess i can see if she'll do another night, but he was acting funny. So I said to him, "Do you want to go alone or do you want company--Honestly." because I was getting vibed out. and he said, "Well, honestly I want to go alone...no offense to you though." WTF! Why even talk to me about it then... ??

Anyway, with the whole lizard death and my son crying and me crying cos I'm all butt-hurt...I don't know if I can even deal with this kind of crap right now...you can just go from so elated to so freaked out so quick...Life is such a crazy ride like that...

I know I should be an adult and just say stuff like "well maybe we need time, blah blah blah" but my feelings are just really raw right now and I can't figure out if any of this is worth it. Wah.

Hope you mamas are feeling shinier. Thanks for all the thoughts!
post #27 of 164
mountain:

i dunno... my friend told me today he went on a date and really likes this girl who is a great person and i am happy for him but i started feeling envious ( not jealous) because i miss that thrill, that nervousness he is going through. but now after reading your post i am like DUDE> staying in the cave where it is warm and safe! criminy!

sorry you are going through it though. that seems really lame your bf didnt communicate that...thats really hard. i dont have advice cuz i know what you mean about the raw feelings, and how the rational mind can say nothing to those feelings.

i called the ex-fling from the summer, and told him i had stuff on my mind, and said i hoped he wasnt getting the wrong idea about me trying to hang out with him. and he said no like 4 times in a row , . so whatever, at least i cleared the air in my own mind. i think i am going to not talk to him thoughb. i woke up this morning in the stupidest anxiety over "oh great he thinks i am trying to get in bed with him" and i just dont want to be in that kind of mindset, with anyone. i dont want to worry what people think of me and right now that seems to mean not being around people much. :
post #28 of 164
this is an awesome journal,,,,,,,,i feel thankFuLL mamas :

mountain~~~I so relate to the confused not know if you can handle this and going from the happy to the freaked out so quickly,,,its crazy!!!

stirringleaf~loved reading your last paragraph, totally can see what your saying,,,I've thought a few times that being single was not so bad because this can get SOOOO hard to handle, I"ve thought I was done so many times !

I totally do need some seperate time which is much easier for me to see now that we spent a night apart then I went over yesterday to see him by myself and he ended up coming and staying the night here to go work w/my df this morning,,,it was really nice having him arrived after dd was asleep and she slept all night.

so last night we ended up having this healing session when I started to feel my inner child/fear come up and asked him to carress me in a non sexual way as I felt thru that and said some prayers to myself then I had the urge to be held like a baby and he did and rocked me for a minute which really brought up some stuff,,,that was really amazing to me,,,We started to talk about how we can be partners in my healing the past few days,,,how we can work at that in a positive way together because it is really hurtful to us when it comesout in harsh, over-sensitive, detached, confused ways....that happening makes me see a light and that feels really good.

*sigh* i love the guy and he is amazingly patient with me I dont want to let that go without giving it my all I"ve always felt we could do awesome things together and I still do. He took me to my first grateful dead related show when we went out of town and I got to glimpse and be a part of something I always wanted to,,,I also got to see him somewhere he loves to be (at shows) and meet some of his friends....my point is I had a chance to face fears and insecurities, like not getting overwhelmed at crowded shows and being able to feel free and dance, thats a really important one for me and he is my teacher with that, I've always known that.

a few days ago he showed me two little shirts he saved from when he last sold shirts with his art on them and he really tenderly folded them up and said,,,These are for Jerry,,,he had just told me he wants a son and wants to name him after Jerry Garcia and right away I wanted to have Jerry with him

I'm feeling like I can lighten things up,,,they feel lighter already with him coming over and spending the night instead of bieng her the whole time,,,living together right away like that has been intense!!

blessings mamas~~
post #29 of 164
Mystic~Mama (we posted at the same time today, so I wrote this before your post that is just above mine)
There is a difference between thinking about our healing and relationships and then actually putting it into practice. I learned that in the first relationship I had after I had done all my thinking healing. It wasn't all that easy and really challenged me in many ways. I felt like the universe was saying 'so, you think you've got it all figured out, eh? Well, try this'. However, the relationships I've had after that have all been getting easier...so I guess I am learning. It was hard, but I learned a lot. Be patient with yourself because the healing you've done alone is important and you've made progress. Now putting it into action will allow you to heal more...but it's a more difficult part of the journey.

It is difficult to go from long distance to real life. When they are away, we think, we dream, we idolize....then when they are back, you can't ignore reality. But it's important to bring yourself back to that reality and move forward because that's what real relationships are all about. "The Power of Now" is a fantastic book and it basically says to stop and just focus on what is happening in that moment. Don't look to the past or the present. When you are with him and feeling scared, try to check in with how it feels to be with him in that moment. Ignore the fears you're bringing from the past, ignore your fears about getting hurt again and just see, how does this feel right now?

Every relationship involves risk. No person can ever be 100% sure that a relationship is going to work or last...people change, situations change, people die. The only way you can be totally sure you won't get hurt is by never entering another relationship. But something tells me that you don't want that either. If you want a relationship that works, you have to commit to it 100% and risk losing everything. If you don't, you will never know the love you really want.

My last relationship was amazing. I risked, I jumped in and I got hurt. At first, I hurt, but with time, I know that I was so fortunate to have had that relationship. I learned, I grew, I had fun, I loved. I did get hurt, but it was worth the risk. All good things in life are worth the risk. So, I'll pick myself up and risk again, knowing that when I am really willing to be there, really willing to give everything I have, share my true self with another and open up my heart completely, I have the opportunity to experience something really special....and even if it only lasts awhile....I am still blessed to have had that. Some people don't ever experience that in their entire lives. That to me seems like more of a risk than putting myself out there again.

Good luck. Relationships are hard and they are work. But, if you are both willing to jump in and give it all you can....you may just find it's worth it.
post #30 of 164
Steph ~
There are good ones out there. Unfortunately, sometimes you need to wade through a lot of crap in order to find them. Also, I have found that men often don't get their crap together in their twenties! However, there are a few exceptions out there. You are such an amazingly strong young woman and such a great mom to Owen. Have faith...you will meet someone one day who will knock you off your feet and it will all be worth it!

Mountain ~
I'm sorry to hear about your ds lizard and about your bf wanting to spend the weekend away alone. Hang in there.

Stirring Leaf ~
It's nice that this guy had a fun date. If it's meant to be between the two of you, there will be another opportunity. If not, it's been a good thing because just having your radar back up may be an indication that you're ready to meet someone....and that may mean that Mr. Really Great could walk into your life and you'd be open to it!!!
post #31 of 164
What a lot going on here, ladies! It's so interesting to follow this thread over time...we've had spring fever, shacking up for the winter, and now it seems some fall blues...

s to all who are either having trouble looking or struggling with the transition to a relationship...

mystic mama, it sounds like you know in a lot of ways what you need, but as good as the communication is, you aren't quite getting it. I'm thinking a little more time/space to adjust to the new relationship and realities of it. And I can very much relate... Even when things are going swimmingly, there are still mental and actual complexities to work through. I think MsChats had a great thought which is what I would suggest as well...try to live and appreciate the moment AND separate your anxieties. I've had some panic moments...some real fears surfacing in this new relationship I'm in. I've had a fear of "do I really know this person" and "how do I truly trust him" and "what if it's wonderful now but he really has flaws I can't see which would be unbearable" and also "do I really want to lose myself in a new relationship?"

And it's hard to deal with that. It's hard to have that little voice in your head, the naysayer, the doubter, the nagging, negative mom (at least that's the concept I attach to my fears ).

I've tried to really step back and look at those voices and decide: is this a fear or an instinct? Because I want to trust my instincts and really do believe in them. I don't know if you all remember much that there was someone in the spring that I connected with and started a semi-relationship with...we never really got totally opened or involved with one another, but I did think there was potential there. At the same time, there were so many things about him and about our relationship that were true red flags...where my instincts were saying "hey, you know what, he's a nice person but not for you." And it was hard to listen to myself...because I kept trying to explain it away. In the end, I accepted that we had no potential and was just enjoying the friendship we had. So the instincts won out.

It's interesting, now my instincts aren't sending me any signals, but my fears are at times like a huge flame. I think part of it is I realize I'm at more of a "risk" in some ways...I really love this man, he loves me and my children, we have a great relationship and a lot of fun and envision a beautiful future together. It's as if I am afraid of letting myself be happy, if that makes any sense, or worried about "failing" again in my choice of partner.

I hope some of this helps you, mystic mama and mountain. It's good to balance both the fears and instincts, and also recognize your needs. And listen when things bother you (like your concerns mountain about him inviting then planning without you, or your need mystic mama of more time/space to yourself.) I'm learning a lot from all of our experiences...it's so amazing to have this little group, it's like my coffee shop that I can go to whenever I need advice or support. I've realized I need to spend a little time with my beau talking about our future plans in more concrete relationship ways, but also a little more time to myself to take care of my busy school and also mental health times.

Thanks ladies, you are wonderful
post #32 of 164
ms chats alot, just to clarify, i am not dating the guy i mentioned. we are just friends. i just wished i had a date to tell him about also... i felt sort of inadequate, like i am never going to meet someone. but whatever. the other side of me is just willing to live in a cave right now.

about worth the risk.... i dont know! i am still hurt from my falling in love thing of the summer, and its just making me very hesitant to try again anytime soon.

oh man i have to go do homework. i am so sick of school someone save me.

ughghgghghg
post #33 of 164
MsChatsAlot and Jster~~~You've given me so much to think about! I'm so thankful for what you have shared with me I need it : and its hard but I know its time I learn and grow up in many ways...I feel like a little girl often,,,I started thinking this morning how I'm almost 30 and it seems like sooo many things I've been searching for healing and understand for are coming up and the universe is telling me its time.
I thank you for helping me

I'm thankfully feeling,,,overwhelmed, inspired, comforted, tender and ready right now.

blessings~~
post #34 of 164
mystic---have you heard of when Saturn Returns? its some kind of planetary alignment that happens when you are i think 27-29. it causes you to have those sudden " its time" kinds of realizations. its kind of a cool thing, it seems like most people are indeed struck by that kind of change at around that age. which is why younger people cant trust anyone over 30 ..somehow we just start to mature in a different way then? so i just wanted to congratulate you on your Saturn returning.
post #35 of 164
Thanks MsChats. I kinda wish I could see into the future. It would help sooo much

I am feeling a bit... ummm..... young? unprepared? inexperienced? Not sure of the right word right now. I was talking to a friend on the drive home (went shopping... woo-hoo!) and the conversation turned to how many partners have you had. He was shocked when I said only one. He was even more shocked when he found out I've only kissed one guy (well, technically 2 but I don't count the other one for personal reasons I won't get into here). Then I had to go and ask the stupid question of how many girls has he been with. He's *only* been with 4 (not too bad) but when asked about how many he's kissed he couldn't give me an answer. He said he had no idea but it was "more than I have of fingers and toes". Then he went on about how that is normal and it's very rare to find a guy who isn't a "male slut" (his word, not mine).

I don't think I'm ready for the dating world. But I know it's only going to get worse as time goes on. *sigh* Why can't the perfect guy just fall out of the sky in front of me? Preferrably with a big sign that says "Perfect Guy" so I can't miss it :
post #36 of 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
Why can't the perfect guy just fall out of the sky in front of me? Preferrably with a big sign that says "Perfect Guy" so I can't miss it :
Hey...if that happens, record it, okay? I want to see.

And, since you're feeling so crappy about men, one is probably going to pop into your life soon. It's the way of the world.

mystic~mama, stirringleaf is right! It's your Saturn return. It's an intense time, the almost 30s. Some ppl don't really feel until after they turn 30 (usually Libras), but it's a time of great change and growth and you're so fortunate that you have your eyes open and a loving partner to help you thru this time. I wish you the best! I'm glad your dd is doing better.
post #37 of 164
Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
Thanks MsChats. I kinda wish I could see into the future. It would help sooo much
I hear ya Steph. No matter how content I am with my life...there are still times when I wish I had that magic ball that would tell me exactly when Mr. Wonderful was going to walk into my life! (Then I wouldn't have to shave my legs until then!!! lol)

Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
I am feeling a bit... ummm..... young? unprepared? inexperienced?
There's nothing wrong with young/unprepared/inexperienced! Trust me when I say....the less frogs you have to kiss, the better!!!


Quote:
Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
Why can't the perfect guy just fall out of the sky in front of me? Preferrably with a big sign that says "Perfect Guy" so I can't miss it :
If that happens....can you make sure his 'older brother' falls in front of me?

You crack me up girl!!!
post #38 of 164
I wish I could 'be able ' to get ppl to talk to me' . At times if I could 'talk to a 'guy on my own w/o my family around especially my mom and my brother.

Because they make me 'self concisous' especially the 'way my mom is (toxic controlling ) and the way how my brother is always irritated with me.

Then 'after' I got to know the 'guy' then I would invite them 'around' and I'm like 'sigh' .
post #39 of 164
MommytoB, maybe you should never invite men to your house.
post #40 of 164
i had to read that a bunch of times, lucy... do you mean so that she doesnt have to deal with the way her family acts in front of the men, or because men are too dangerous? i think you mean the first one, right? it wasnt even directed at me, lol but i just wanted to know what you mean.
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