November dating thread - Page 3

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by stirringleaf

i had to read that a bunch of times, lucy... do you mean so that she doesnt have to deal with the way her family acts in front of the men, or because men are too dangerous? i think you mean the first one, right? it wasnt even directed at me, lol but i just wanted to know what you mean.

Call me paranoid but if *I* had been the one who said it I would have meant the second one. I would never invite any man into my place unless I really really knew him well. Of course, I've gotten myself into some sticky situations in years past (which I don't feel comfortable going into here) and I am determined not to repeat that.

[3sunz&I]

I'm not alone!

Not that I would wish hard times on anyone, but it is great to come here and read this thread to know that I am not alone. I haven't posted since last month; I have been soooo confused!

I will keep this as short as possible... My bf was getting on my nerves. It irritated me that he wanted to see me more than I wanted to see him and it really got on my nerves that he was always telling me that he misses me. So, last weekend while the boys were at their dad's, we went out. We got into an argument (thank God I was driving my car) and we turned around and went home. We decided later on that night, that we should go our seperate ways. At first, I was okay with it. Then as the hours went by, I realized just how upset I was and how much I really liked him. He's good to me, he's good to my kids and I was going to miss him. All day Sunday went by and we didn't talk. As more time went by, the more upset I got. On Monday when I got to work, he got online and instant messaged me. We sorted through what we could and then I stopped by his house on my way home. Things are better now, but I almost screwed it all up! Just because someone likes me enough to want to be with me and miss me--it was driving me crazy. I think that I was having such a hard time, because I didn't want to get emotionally attached. I don't want to get hurt. I feel the need to protect my self and not let anyone "in". I still feel that way to a certain extent, and I think it will be a long time before I completely open up. He understands that and is willing to be as patient as he can. He does feel like he is "paying" for the way that my ex husband treated me and I kind of agree. I just can't get past it, even though we have been apart for 3 years. I guess my point is that I almost lost something that was more important to me than I thought! And it took alot for me to see that... :

[Lucy VanPelt]

Originally Posted by stirringleaf

i had to read that a bunch of times, lucy... do you mean so that she doesnt have to deal with the way her family acts in front of the men,

Yeah!

If I thought men were dangerous, I'd just tell her not to deal with them.

eta: I certainly don't invite men to my house (well, there was this one guy, but he's the exception) unless I truly trust them, b/c some men are whackjobs, but in her case, since she seemed mostly concerned with how her mom and brother react, I meant reason #1.

[Lucy VanPelt]

Originally Posted by 3sunz&I

I think that I was having such a hard time, because I didn't want to get emotionally attached. I don't want to get hurt. I feel the need to protect my self and not let anyone "in". I still feel that way to a certain extent, and I think it will be a long time before I completely open up.

You know, I understand that. And, I think you need to honor how you're feeling and not have to feel like you could lose him simply b/c you have things to work out in your head and heart.

It's nice that's he's patient with you, but continue to be patient with yourself, too! If you need more room, he needs to give that to you. Good luck!

[mountain]

jster. those were some great words, thank you! I'm thinking about the difference between fear and instinct now...I wish there was some concrete way to tell which one you were going through. i emailed you on myspace!

i feel like i have a lot of understanding for my bf. he's hada ton of empathy for me, as i stress out about the relentlessness of having my kids 24/7 while my x is in jail.

i wish i could see a previous girlfriend of his to find out if he always takes this kind of space...for some reason I wanna know that it's not me...that he just is this way...I am ok with it being a personality trait, but not okay if it means he doesn't like me that much...

oh, none of this makes sense. i asked my friend the other day if i MAKE everything complicated, and he said, "ummm...yes, but wonderfully so" lol

[MsChatsAlot]

Originally Posted by mountain

i wish i could see a previous girlfriend of his to find out if he always takes this kind of space...for some reason I wanna know that it's not me...that he just is this way...I am ok with it being a personality trait, but not okay if it means he doesn't like me that much...

It's not about you. If he never did this before....it's still not about you.

Even in the best relationships, people need a little space. We all need some time to ourselves, sometimes we have things going on where we just need to be alone. If it starts happening too often or in a way that you feel is uncomfortable for you, it may be a sign that it isn't the best relationship for you at this time.

It is just so important for us to really know and like who we are as people before getting into a relationship. Because, even the strongest of us, get those moments of fear and doubt in a relationship from time to time. But, if we look to someone else to make us feel loved, secure, validated....it sets it up for failure. When we are comfortable with ourselves outside the relationship, it makes it much easier to see the truth within the relationship.

If you feel strong and confident, a man taking a little time is no big deal. If you are strong and confident and a man starts taking a lot of time, you realize that you deserve better and that he obviously isn't the man for you.

Hang in there. If you quiet yourself and take some time to feel peaceful and calm and then think about the situation, you'll find you'll probably hear your intuition, not the fear.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot

It's not about you. If he never did this before....it's still not about you.

Even in the best relationships, people need a little space. We all need some time to ourselves, sometimes we have things going on where we just need to be alone. If it starts happening too often or in a way that you feel is uncomfortable for you, it may be a sign that it isn't the best relationship for you at this time.

It is just so important for us to really know and like who we are as people before getting into a relationship. Because, even the strongest of us, get those moments of fear and doubt in a relationship from time to time. But, if we look to someone else to make us feel loved, secure, validated....it sets it up for failure. When we are comfortable with ourselves outside the relationship, it makes it much easier to see the truth within the relationship.

If you feel strong and confident, a man taking a little time is no big deal. If you are strong and confident and a man starts taking a lot of time, you realize that you deserve better and that he obviously isn't the man for you.

Hang in there. If you quiet yourself and take some time to feel peaceful and calm and then think about the situation, you'll find you'll probably hear your intuition, not the fear.

This is SOOOO true.

Great post, MsChatsALot!

[mystic~mama]

hey mamas,,,i'm sitting here trying to catch up on posts unfortunetely my brain is unable to co operate at the moment, although, I am able to write about myself no problem :

oh and btw,,,the saturn return thing makes sense,,,some big change definitely seems to be happening. I'm happy to be able to be coming back here in a much better place, both with myself and my sweetie and actually dd too (yay!) we had a few days apart and I was worried because it felt weak between us and that scared me,,,I let it go and trusted but still it hurt because I realize that after we met and he left I felt that this was going to be a very long term thing and then the reality of being together and no longer the distance/dreamy relationship was a shock so with a lot of help from you mamas I've been able to work thru some craziness and gain perspective. The post MsChatsAlot wrote regarding the risk in relationship really stuck with me for a few days and I knew the truth in it,,,I've learned so much truth lately,,,truths that I feel like I maybe should have learned by now but havent,,,I'm doing a lot of that lately,,its funny sometimes how dp comments on the way I do certain things and shows me simple totally logical ways to do it easier/better but I just never realized,,,life is getting easier in some ways the more I learn to stop making it so hard.

We had our second night all to ourselves yesterday and it was magical,,,I'm feeling thankful and peaceful with the fact that what I thought we had we do definitely have and it grew stronger with the experience we had together. So feeling good at where we are at.

blessings mamas~~~

[JustVanessa]

Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot

It's not about you. If he never did this before....it's still not about you.

Even in the best relationships, people need a little space. We all need some time to ourselves, sometimes we have things going on where we just need to be alone. If it starts happening too often or in a way that you feel is uncomfortable for you, it may be a sign that it isn't the best relationship for you at this time.

I completely agree with this. I am one of those people who needs the space myself. My bf understands this and knows it isn't anything to do with him.

I can also understand feeling insecure about someone else taking space. I think that if he did this, I might feel insecure. Wow what a double standard. Now you have me reevaluating mama.
Ms chats alot....you always seem to do this to me...

[MommytoB]

Ms. Chats Alot - I'm glad you got to have a 'great relationship' but sorry to hear that it ended.

Stirringleaf - good luck if there are 2 guys who interested in you.


I have a 'question' if you 'end up dating & your ex shows up but he doesn't call himself (your ex) when another 'man is around ? How do 'ex'es react to the 'possible future relationship' and someone to take a spot as my son 'possible future daddy' ?

How did younger kids react with 'men coming in & out of their life ?

I actually joined a 'singles net site ' am pretty nervous about it but to me I think that would 'be such a hoot if it turned out to be that 'guy' who's my brother's best friend now that would be nuts & funny

[MsChatsAlot]

Originally Posted by MommytoB

I have a 'question' if you 'end up dating & your ex shows up but he doesn't call himself (your ex) when another 'man is around ? How do 'ex'es react to the 'possible future relationship' and someone to take a spot as my son 'possible future daddy' ?

Every situation and person is different, so there is no way to tell how someone will act.

However...I do know if my ex presented a person with the intent of taking my spot or being a possible future mommy....I would have HUGE objection.

I tend to think that anyone who comes into our lives will be a male role model, possibly a step-father, maybe a mentor. I would never consider someone coming in to be a replacement or a future daddy. My kids already have a daddy.

Originally Posted by MommytoB

How did younger kids react with 'men coming in & out of their life ?

I don't think kids of any age react well with men coming in and out of their lives. I don't think it's healthy for them or their emotional development. It is possible to date away from the kids until you have a sense that this is someone that you want to be involved in their lives and feel there is the potential for something really lasting.

Originally Posted by MommytoB

I actually joined a 'singles net site ' am pretty nervous about it but to me I think that would 'be such a hoot if it turned out to be that 'guy' who's my brother's best friend now that would be nuts & funny

That would be fun. Single sites are a great way to meet lots of people. It's important to screen them well, but there are lots of good ones out there too! Good luck with it.

[Bad Mama Jama]

I'm still hiding out in my cave hoping no one sees me.: I did see a cute guy the other say, but alas, he was married.

[MsChatsAlot]

Originally Posted by girlie_librarian

I'm still hiding out in my cave hoping no one sees me. I did see a cute guy the other say, but alas, he was married.

The most important thing you can do before dating...is spend a little time in your cave and figure some things out before you test the waters!!!!

The fact that you saw a cute guy is an indication that you are still alive! That's all good.

[mountain]

ms chatsalot, you are so rad! thanks so much for your words...I totally lived out what you were saying this weekend! I AM so comfortable in myself, so ready to be open to whatever happens. I got all wrapped up in details when the only thing we can all do is try to be centered while it all unfolds.

I had the greatest weekend, did a bellydance performance and felt really shiney, got to share energy with some really beautiful people. I needed that space to look within too, long drives and conversation. Distance gives a great perspective, I really love that.

Girlie, caves are great protection! A great place to heal, and when you're ready for sunlight you just come on out when the time's right.

Let us know how the juggling men thing is going stirringleaf! I thought of you on my ride home, the cutest boy was trying his best to get with me but he was, oh 11 years younger than me--flattering but without real depth, you know? We gotta watch out for the younger guy thing, remember!

mommytobe, i second ms.chatsalot to really work to keep things separate for a while. I did with the guy I'm dating, and my son turns to me during a conversation my 5 year old and I were having about 'boyfriends' (she said, "YOU have a boyfriend, mom!" lol and my son says "I really like your boyfriend, mom, he's cool." You could have pushed me over with a feather. I gave him time, and it worked much better than when I didn't.

[stirringleaf]

update:

mountain, about the younger guy... yes, my 21 yo friend ( platonic boyfriend) has met a girl he likes, and i am happy for him but i envy the fun he is experiencing, and feel like he is going to " abandon" me soon. which is his perogative. he is 21! but he does have depth, i have to say he is one of the coolest people i have met in a long time, but yeah, he doesnt have that gritty life experience behind him yet...but this is why he and i "work" well together...i kind of like having this brotherly-companion , a simple relationship, right now. i am still too unbalanced to try a real relationship and he has given me company in the meantime.

i want to clarify i dont have 2 men interested. one is a man, one is a woman. the man is a single dad. the woman is MARRIED. i think the woman is not ACTAULLY looking to date me. or the man. i think my friend, who is friends with both of them, is exaggerating thier interest... the man is far too shy , though and i dont think anything is going to happen with that because if you guys cant tell, i am pretty outgoing. i always date shy men and i dont want to anymore, for many reasons.

anyway last night i went to a party, and got way too drunk and embarrassed myself. however, before that happened, i met a handsome man who i am now very curious about...but i have no idea how i will see him again. i didnt ask him for a number or an email or anything because i am simply too freaked out by all this dating crap to even know if i can trust my interest. i wish i could figure out how to just have like 20 conversations with someone like that before i even concieve of being attracted to them, because it is so much easier to move slowly and change your mind when nothing has "happened" but it seems like you have to state your interest early enough to even let someone know you want to talk to them more... its all so tricky. so. thats that. just thought i would update you, you know, for the record.

[mountain]

grrr...my boyfriend hasn't replied to my emails the last couple times...and I freaking miss him! maybe he's discovered this site & knows I obsess about every frickin detail...

thanks for the update, woman!

[MsChatsAlot]

Originally Posted by mountain

grrr...my boyfriend hasn't replied to my emails the last couple times...and I freaking miss him! maybe he's discovered this site & knows I obsess about every frickin detail...

thanks for the update, woman!

Relax. (I know that's easier said than done).

Sometimes, when we are feeling nervous about the relationship...we put out 'needy' vibes without even realizing it. He may be picking up on your energy. If you can find some way to distract yourself...get back into your life and focus on you it will help.

If it's meant to be....everything will work out.

[mountain]

Thanks, I needed that. I'm getting silly. I'm gonna totally clean my house & pay my bills & do errands...no needy vibes here. just wanty vibes hahaha...

[sahmof2girls]

Alright ladies. Where are you finding "like minded" men????? I joined some dating thingy's online and they are going nowhere: FILL ME IN!

[Danae]

Hey all,

It's been forever since I've been on here but, I just started dating a really nice guy. It's crazy and I am totally skepticalbut, I have my fingers crossed!

With much love!

P.S. I've missed everyone here in the 6 months since I've been gone!!!