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November dating thread - Page 4

post #61 of 164
Originally Posted by mountain View Post
Thanks, I needed that. I'm getting silly. I'm gonna totally clean my house & pay my bills & do errands...no needy vibes here. just wanty vibes hahaha...
great advice from MsChatsAlot,,,totally makes sense,,,I know the feeling mountain,,,at times I have felt so crazy having this relationship,,,this thread has helped so much!!! not that i think i'll never have craziness again! but,,,the wise words here have helped so much...I wanted to send you some love :~~~~~~~~~~~~~

blessings mamas~~
post #62 of 164


I am trying it out. I dunno...I feel ready to date for the first time ever. I've never really dated, just met the exes and fell into LTR. Either that or had a few dates and were just friends, yk?

So...eharmony. This is my first online try. They keep sending me dudes well into thier 40's who seem to be a little too religious or just LONELY, and they all look visibly depressed in thier photos. There was one guy I thought kinda attractive out of about 50...and he was all about, "God is my ROCK!" "I love GOD!" "God lights my way!" and, well...I love God, too, but not quite like that.... I want to be tolerant, but I think I would quickly feel like, "Well, go Marry God then!" :

I'm 34, I'm attractive, and I wonder if I'm in the wrong sea of people. I think I'll delete it...

post #63 of 164
I met my bf through eHarmony.

I just kept deleting the ones I wasn't interested in. I had met 2 previous men via eHarmony and I did eventually meet them both. Nice guys and I learned a lot from both experiences, just not the ones for me. I was on eHarmony for about 10 months before meeting my bf. And I, definitely, deleted more guys than anything else.

Be patient. The "right" guy isn't going to just pop up on your screen within a few days/weeks.
post #64 of 164
Originally Posted by mystic~mama View Post
,this thread has helped so much!!! not that i think i'll never have craziness again! but,,,the wise words here have helped so much...I wanted to send you some love :~~~~~~~~~~~~~

blessings mamas~~
You are so sweet! I bet that love you sent helped me through! I do relate to you and am glad to hear everyone's experiences about where they are...we do help each other out, huh. It's so good.

r/e meeting guys: I live in a real small town so I knew everyone b/c i had a restaurant...I basically fed everyone in town. It sucked that I knew everyone though...they knew about my X.
...I had fed the guy that I'm dating, knew him casually for like 4 years...saw him at the fair & downtown painting once, and didn't have the guts to talk to him too much...after I was despairing about how I'd talk to him again, I saw him on my friend's myspace.
...so i would say recommend just making as many friends as possible...with younger or older people, just get out there & make friends. You'll always need em.

Danae, Welcome Back!

Mamas, I need to write this down to figure it out in my head...if you don't like weird self-psychoanalysis, skip to the next post! My bf is a totally special, sensitive, gifted, wonderful person...I really wonder if I can connect with him in the way I want to. He's my age, never had kids, I'm afraid that he's not going to want to be as close with me as I'm wanting...that he doesn't even know how to be close with me.

I'm starting to "get" him, that he needs lots of space/alone time...he revels in it and I actually like/need more of that in my life...so this could be great. However, he gets back from a 5 day trip and doesn't call me...I call him, and he calls me right back, but I just feel so put off...if he was thinking about me, wouldn't he simply call when he got home? It was a business trip and he's got lots of stuff to do...we have this nightmare conversations where I hang up on him twice (really mature, huh...). We had dinner together but I feel like I'm pulling teeth to hang out with him...he's getting his "stuff" done & distracted.

So we have this conversation about multitasking---and he truly doesn't get that while he's focusing on work he might want to acknowledge that I exist...it's been a year since he had a gf, but come ON! I know it's all a process of getting to know each other, but I have a hard time with this whole idea...

This is important to me: I don't want to make excuses for anybody anymore. I spent 9 years of my life doing that for the kids' dad, and I just don't want to be deluding myself into thinking I'm in love if it's just me trying to find the good in everyone like Ms. Sunshine, yk? I have to be realistic about this because I won't have my kids hanging out with anyone unhealthy or substandard. I want to teach them that partnerships can be healthy.

OTOH, he's so truly wonderful, positive, interesting, motivated, and when we connect--we really connect. There's this pain in the uncertain, the transition that I alternately find exciting & excruciating. I'd rather have passion with some uncertainty than a mediocre connection. I feel so safe and secure when we "get" each other, like we can do anything. Everywhere we go, people smile because we're so happy together.

Just wanted to write this all out to see where it goes...thx for the space. lol

Here's to healthiness....
post #65 of 164
Hi everyone!

About eharmony...I found the same problem, that the people they kept matching me with were not like me at all, too Christian, too old, not very natural, waaaay too Republican . I decided I just couldn't take the format, the idea that some computer system was screening for characteristics and I couldn't even specify a preference. So I went to other sites, and found after a while which characteristics were MOST important to me (liberal, really...everything else would fall into place from there ) And I just concentrated on that, kept looking and found someone amazing. It all depends on what works for you, eharmony does work for some, but don't force yourself to do something that doesn't feel right. And I just didn't trust that their matching system really had a clue who I was. But I'm glad it worked for you, Holland!!!

Mountain...it's all about balance, and weighing what you can and can't accept. For me, I don't want ambivalence, I want someone to know how awesome I am and truly appreciate me and feel blessed by my presence. MsChats has mentioned the book "He's just not that into you" and I think the title says an important thing...that people tell us by their actions how interested they are. I totally relate to the conflict between having a great connection and not getting the interest you need...but it probably won't get any better. At least, that's my theory. So I would say, keep the relationship going if you're getting something out of it, but feel free to pursue other possibilities as well (openly and honestly, of course!) BTW, I LOVE your myspace page and you are such a cool mama I wish I could hang out with you! Someone will show up who sees what a great person you are and values YOU. Don't compromise!

Here's my little update. I'm a pretty darn crunchy girl, but law review is having a fall banquet tomorrow night, and I rsvp'd to go with my beau. So I went out thrift store shopping and found this pretty deep blue shiny evening gown, luckily floor length so I won't have to shave my legs It should be fun to be with him, but still a little weird to be doing something so formal, like law school prom or something. I'll let you all know how it goes! Thank god I don't think dancing is invovled!
post #66 of 164
Jster....You go girl! Crunchy or not, sometimes it's fun to get dressed up and be out somewhere fancy with someone we adore!!!

I agree with Jster (especially since she referred back to me!!! )
If this man were totally head-over-heels-in-love with you, even if he needed space, he would have called you, he would have left a message when he knew you weren't home, he would have initiated contact with you at some point during his trip or as soon as he got home.

He sounds like a wonderful man, but I don't think you'll get more out of this relationship or him than you're getting right now.

I have created a new rule for myself. If I have to ask my girlfriends about the behavior (wondering if he's *into* me)...then he's not.

The first guy I dated after my marriage I thought was wonderful. He too, needed a lot of space and I felt so secure and healthy allowing him to have it without freaking out. We talked about once a week and I figured that was okay because we were healthy and independent. But in reality, we just weren't that interested in each other.

The last relationship I had, there was never a moment of doubt in my mind how he felt about me. He was attentive (yet he needed a lot of space too), he emailed regularly, he phoned as often as I called him, if he went away, he'd call long distance just to say hi. He was *THERE* even though we only saw one another about 1 day per week.

The two were completely opposite. The first guy, clearly, was not into me. He wasn't ready for a relationship, he wasn't really available for one, he wasn't there for me at all. In my *optimistic* way, found a way to spin it so it looked healthy and positive....but it wasn't. It was one-sided and not meeting even half of my needs.

The second guy, clearly, was available and interested in me. I never had a doubt in my mind and if felt so wonderful and completely mutual from day one.

And knowing the difference between those two, I will wait for that second kind of relationship again. We both had our space and yet, we always made time for each other because we both really wanted to. It was healthy and mature and open and mutual. And it felt absolutely AMAZING!!!!

It is worth it. I am worth it and I believe you are worth it too.

If you settle, you'll never know how that feels. You can probably continue and have a fairly nice relationship with this man....but I think if you really look in your heart, you know you are settling for something less than you truly want and deserve.
post #67 of 164
I agree with MsChats. If he's into you, it'll be obvious. You won't need to question it.
post #68 of 164
: I can see myself coming home from a trip and not calling anyone. He didn't screen your call . the rest I am not going to comment on but I can see myself wanting to unpack, clean my house, shower and be rested before I called a significant other.
post #69 of 164
pranamama, I get that. But, I think the point is for the 2 ppl to be compatible in how they show their interest in each other. If she needs more from him than he's willing to give (or if he feels she needs more than he think is necessary), it shows an imbalance in their compatibility. It doesn't make him the bad guy (or vice versa). People need their needs to be met however they need it. And, I don't think anyone should settle for less simply b/c the other person assures him or her that they actually do care.

Caring about someone is a very broad thing. One can only feel that thru actions and usually, only thru the actions that one values.

Anyway, I'm not specifically commenting on her situation, except to agree that if someone is into you at the level you need that person to be into you, you'll know.

I ordered an eHarmony acct and then, deleted it w/in 7 days. I was a non-paid member for several months before breaking down and giving them my card number. They only matched me with 2 guys that I would even consider a "good" match in that 'several months' timeframe, but when I paid, it was during a moment of ridiculousness.

I haven't found online stuff to be good for me, at all. I've met guys, but they just haven't been what I consider "relationship material". Even though I wasn't looking for a relationship, I couldn't go out with any ol' body. I also haven't found the internet to be a haven for the more laid back, tree-huggin' guys.

I guess the types of guys I like are actually out doing things, instead of hanging out on message boards. I really have no idea, but I figure one day, when I'm ready, a guy is going to drop out of the sky. He'll probably land on my van and need to be hospitalized for several months, but hey...I'll have him!
post #70 of 164
mountain: i agree with everyone else thus far. i bet that is sucky to hear...

but your situation and feelings sound exactly like how i felt this summer with the guy i dated. i dont think it is bad they want space, but it feels bad because you need it to be different. i am trying to come to terms with the fact that i really like talking to those i care for quite often ( see how much i am at MDC??? : ) and that its actually OK and not clingy. i wont say much more since it seems to have been said..

and actually, i am going to coffee tomorrow with the guy i dated this summer. i am trying to de-mythicise him...i still have him on a bit of a pedestal. i really fell in love and got hurt pretty bad... but i think he is a good person, was just confused, and simply could not give me the kind of relationship i need nor me him. i am trying to feel good about the idea of probably always having a terrible crush on him but it not ever going anywhere. and lately it has felt just fine.... but even in the context of friends, he is really not communicative.. like i will call him and 3 days will go by and he will not call back, or even in conversation i will say something i think and he will often not let me know what he thinks unless i really probe him. so thats just not compatable in my book, even though it sucks cuz i think he is dreamily cute, mad genius, and totally the best kisser in the whole world, but alas... it would never work and i am glad we ended when we did cuz he will leave town when he graduates anyway, AND i htink i would end up passionately annoyed with his basic nature, which isnt good. and i know i would annoy him as well. so sad. ( eta: i just wanted to add that when i do get ahold of him , he almost awlays is cheerful and wants to talk to me, so i honestly do not believe he avoids me, this is just how he is, but i ALWAYS get to a point where i am convinced he is avoiding me. it rarely turns out to be true...except when we "split up" or whatever)

besides , with each passing day i feel the need to just become a lesbian and get it over with, anyways. :
post #71 of 164
Sounds like you have a lot going on Stirring Leaf. Good luck with meeting up with the guy. Sometimes it takes our heart awhile to catch up with what our head knows.

Follow your heart and it will lead you where you need to be. If that's with a woman or man, makes no difference...the relationship you want and deserve is out there somewhere.
post #72 of 164
Hi all... I didn't think I'd be posting in this thread so soon...I kinda laughed like "yeah right" when I first saw it. I've only been separated for two months. Here's the scoop: A guy at my work seems to have it pretty bad for me. I am not attracted to his looks. We have been spending time together outside of work because I asked him if he had a truck I could borrow for firewood. He ended up borrowing a truck and delivering and stacking the wood for me, then took DD and I out for lunch. Then he saw the garage wasband left in a complete state of disaster and spent a Saturday cleaning it up with me. Then he cooked DD and me dinner and we watched a video. This week my car broke down and he left work to pick me up and bring me to work (He offered, I didn't ask) and did so the next 2 days as well. We cooked dinner those 3 times after work. He has been nothing but a gentleman and has not tried anything. He knows pretty much all of my situation, I haven't kept anything from him, except the fact that I refer to him as "Shrek" to my friends. I guess you mommas can see where this is going...of course I am not ready for dating right now. I'm loving the attention and help and its nice to see DD play with him. So any advice on how far I can let this go? I don't want any hurt feelings. I was hoping I wouldn't have to say anything...he's 38 and divorced and really should know better than to get involved with me/my situation as more than friends right now. Am I reading too much into this? Thnks for your advice.
post #73 of 164
i dont think you are reading too into it. a married couple that i have been friends with for years got separated at around the same time as me and dh. the man is a really really great guy, and started helping me out ALOT...it was very clear he had a crush on me. so i was honest. totally honest right away, because i care about him alot. i said i was desparate for help and could not say no to him but i needed him to know i wasnt interested. i had to keep insisting this several times, and clarifying, cuz some days we would hang out with our kids and i felt like it was awkward, so i would repeat it again! he was a total gentleman also, i am not saying he was putting moves on me.. he was just acting awkward and crushy. i even tried to go on a date with him "as friends" but that is where it kind of turned into a time for hurt feelings. even though i told him we were just friends, he was STILL hoping for a romantic date. i was just being all sibling-like to him..and he was sad... i just cant see him that way, i have knwn him so many years as almost family.

i highly advise that you are honest. tell him you are very happy to spend time with him and the help and attention he is giving you feel wonderful. tell him you are not interested in a relationship. dont say " i am not interested right now , it is too soon." it will lead him to think if he just spends more time with you , you will eventually fall in love. maybe you will or wont, but you really have to tell him very clearly that having a male friend at this time is wonderful ( and it really really is a blessing sometimes) but you arent interested. period. beleive me, it might be hard or awkward, but he will never feel betrayed or like you took advantage of him if you are clear. if he is a truly good guy, and likes you for who you really are, he will still hang out with you. my friend and i ended up having some rocky times after the failed " date" but we are rebuilding a friendship and i feel glad i was open with him because even tho i hurt his feelings, it would have been much worse if i wouldnt have told him how i felt. people need to know that stuff so they can move on, you know?

but if you dont like him even as a friend, it is time for you to stop accepting help, and stop spending time with him. if it would hurt him to be called Shrek, i would reccomend you stop doing that, too. you know?
post #74 of 164
I think it's one thing to accept some else's niceness. It's another to refer to him as "Shrek". Now, yes...it's funny. But, extremely mean, don't you think?

Anyway, just tell him that you appreciate everything he's done for you and your dd, but you need him to know that you're never going to be romantically interested in him. And, then, let it go. I have found that men hear what they want to hear. You can be as clear as a bell about not wanting them, but if they want you...they don't really hear you. This has only been a true problem in my world when I've told a guy to stop calling and he wouldn't. I think most guys take the hint, even if they keep doing stuff for you. At least until they get a new woman to follow around like a puppy-dog.

Mostly, just don't take it personal. You're both getting something positive out of this exchange, otherwise, he wouldn't bother helping you out. Let him know, but don't be mean about it.

I had a guy I referred to as "Dumb Guy" to my friends. I recognized that I was being really immature about this guy (I didn't like him at all, but he was really crushing on me) and recognized that he just had to be totally out of my life b/c I had no respect for him. If you're making up mean names for someone, you need that person to be nowhere near you, IMO, b/c you're just not in the right headspace to deal with that person w/o being mean on some level. It's not nice to him, but it's not nice to you, either. I'm sure you're better than that. Sometimes ppl bring out our lower sides, but we gotta get that together, you know? It's not cute.

Good luck!
post #75 of 164
It would be so easy if it were hot or cold, black or white, right! I wish it could be as formulaic as self-help books (read that "He's just not that into you" book...) but--well, it's just not.

stirringleaf, your attitude seems strong, and you'll be just fine. Good luck de-bunking the 'pedastal guy' lol. I mean, all we can really do is find out until we know, right? I too would be a lesbian if I did not like penis so much.

Cassafras, I would tell him you're not into a deep relationship and call it good. if he still wants to help out, good. If not, at least you've been honest. I had a drama play out with a guy who was wanting to date me, and I told him, he still kept trying until I decided it was too much energy myself.

To all my mamas: I appreciate your thoughts. I too am sure that I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR LESS. That's just the thing.

I don't believe men will change...ever. The person he is is the person he is...and the guy he is point blank--kind, artistic, loving, goofy, artistic, caring, and slightly self-centered.

Can i deal with the slightly self-centered thing? I would say the same about myself some days, you know?

We just took this long car ride together and hashed major ideas out. I feel like he is just as interested in communicating w/me as I am with him...I realized that I've kinda had my foot up my ass lately too. I literally got mad at him for saying he was "checking in with me" one day, then I WANT HIM TO CHECK IN WITH ME! It's a conundrum. I'm PMSing. Half the time I can't even get a concrete thought out of my muddled head these days lol.

These huge talks remind me that even if this doesn't work out, I'm figuring out my head & what I consider a priority. We're 3 months into this & talking about all sorts of crazy stuff, my violent X, babies, kids, work, and it all seems to really sort itself out on the crests of waves most times...we're actually working together to figure it out. We're consciously trying to create patterns of respect, which I've never actually talked about with a guy before.

So yeah, I was sad that he didn't miss me as much as i missed him. I told him in whatever words I could find that I needed to have him take care of our connection...not as an 'obligation' or whatever, but as in him WANTING to call me, WANTING to be with me, WANTING to find that balance between work & having a girlfriend. He thought I didn't want him to check in with me, but I did...lol...I wanted him to miss me & worship me as the goddess I am...and I told him so...

Where it goes from here, nobody knows...

He just called me while I was typing this to tell me he missed me...it's been an hour since he left here :LOL It's feast or famine around here I guess! Ever since we talked, he's been saying really beautiful things to me, got my kids comic books, took us out to the movies...

It used to drive me crazy when my mom would say this, but...we'll see...

Jster, your guy is so cute! hope you had fun on your evening out!
post #76 of 164
~mountain~ It sounds like it is turning out good! I am happy for oyu!!

As for myself I joined like every dating thingy online ~so NOT like me~ But I talked to this really nice single daddy, he is very cute and sweet. seems like minded so we will see if it actually goes anywhere...HA! probably not since i really don't know what to expect on the online dating fronnt. But I got some good laughs and smiles out of my rock facade last night, so i acctually went to bed smiling....
i will keep you all updated
post #77 of 164
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
I met my bf through eHarmony.

I just kept deleting the ones I wasn't interested in. I had met 2 previous men via eHarmony and I did eventually meet them both. Nice guys and I learned a lot from both experiences, just not the ones for me. I was on eHarmony for about 10 months before meeting my bf. And I, definitely, deleted more guys than anything else.

Be patient. The "right" guy isn't going to just pop up on your screen within a few days/weeks.

That is so funny you said that. I felt like ok take away your online dating holdups and just do it, and mr right will pop up in no time...lol WRONG
post #78 of 164
Originally Posted by sahmof2girls View Post
~mountain~ It sounds like it is turning out good!
... But I got some good laughs and smiles out of my rock facade last night, so i acctually went to bed smiling....
i will keep you all updated
That's what it's all about, woman! Please do keep us updated & don't worry about feeling happy...just know even if it doesn't meet your expectations, someday you'll be glad you went through it.

Disattachment from the outcome. Om.

I had the best dream last night...and I hope it's about things to come. How soon is too sooon to move in together, huh? lol just kidding--I think.
post #79 of 164
Originally Posted by mystic~mama View Post
great advice from MsChatsAlot,,,totally makes sense,,,I know the feeling mountain,,,at times I have felt so crazy having this relationship,,,this thread has helped so much!!! not that i think i'll never have craziness again! but,,,the wise words here have helped so much...I wanted to send you some love :~~~~~~~~~~~~~

blessings mamas~~
I've been thinking about you mama...how's it going? Thanks for the
post #80 of 164
Thread Starter 
Okay, I've finally got something to contribute.

The other day, I was taking DD to the play therapist, we went at a different hour than we would usually go. While waiting, I began a conversation with a dad who was also waiting. There was definately a *vibe* I kept hoping he would ask me for my number, he never did. He was nice looking, and sounded like he had his act together. The fact that he was also seeking play therapy for his DS was a good thing. Well, our DC both came out at the same time, it would've been awkward for him to ask in front of all of those people. I was a little dissapointed, but 'oh well' it must not have been meant to be

When I got to my car, there was his number.
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