December dating thread - Page 4

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by cheyennemama

This a vent but I figured it belongs in the dating section. X and I separated in December 2005 and I dated a guy from Feb-June 2006. Call it a rebound but that was NEVER my intention. He was a fabulous guy but I was still stuck on my X and left b/f. B/f e-mails me today (we still talk) and he's now engaged to his g/f immediately following me. Man, people must leave me and think, "Anyone's better than her!" because both XH and XBF are still with the women immediately following me!

I wouldn't take it that way. IME men sometimes need a partner and tend to get married sooner than women, it's a fact. I am fully expecting X to get engaged to the woman he is with now. I'm trying not to feel upset about it, though I know there will be some grieve=ing.

Remember that you are a special person, and it's worth it to wait for just the right person. Try to work through your own 'stuff' and attract to yourself a partner who will not help perpetuate the same old patterns you are used to..

I have grief sometimes, but I'm trying to take my own advice and wait, and trust.

[Lucy VanPelt]

Yeah, it says nothing about YOU.

It's been documented that men usually get remarried w/in 2 years of a divorce, so they must be getting with the new women pretty soon post-relationship end. Besides...you could probably date like the wind, too, if you didn't have kids to raise.

[JustVanessa]

Just popping in to say my hair looks awesome. : Will edit with a pic tomorrow when I have nateral light for the webcam. What a nice treat to sit at the salon all afternoon.

cheyennemama- It says nothing at all about you.

[stirringleaf]

Originally Posted by Lucy VanPelt

Yeah, it says nothing about YOU.

It's been documented that men usually get remarried w/in 2 years of a divorce, so they must be getting with the new women pretty soon post-relationship end. Besides...you could probably date like the wind, too, if you didn't have kids to raise.

so true.

ill update too: my sad weird dating feelings have waned. it hasnt even been a week since the last fiasco and i already feel like maybe it wasnt such a big deal. i looked up stuff about anxiety, and i think i just shouldnt drink ever. alcohol def. seems to trigger my anxiety. i feel good about just being me right now. its so nice that even when i get all freaked out, these days it doesnt take that long for me to get right back into the swing of things and feeling positive. it used to be , if i cried, it would be a 3 day affair with the couch. now that was just a ruined half of saturday, and i even felt better by sat night. Baby Steps!

and mountain: hiding foibles seems to be something other people can do, but not me. i wear my foibles on my sleeve. literally. like when i put my sweater on inside out. so i just need to meet my equal in that dept!

[BelovedK]

Report on my last date

he was a comlete gentleman, he didn't act like I was some sex object, which I love. We talked over tea, then went to dinner...Talking with him was easy, I felt comfortable around him...He is successful and financially responsible. He owns a horse (a big plus) He also owns an investment property as well as a house. He is an estate liquidator, he travels alot, and the business is quite lucrative for him...He didn'y brag. He had the rugged sort of good looks, his age was perfect for me...a bit older, not too much.


AND, there was no instant chemistry.

I feel like I will know when I've met the right one, and I'm finding myself wondering if I'm being too picky, not giving them a chance. When I got home, I felt sad...I kept trying to shake the feeling, but it was persistant. I allowed myself to be sad for a while, now I'm trying not to 'live there'

I feel that I'm on the verge of meeting the right one, I feel impatient, which I know is bad. Right now, I'm purging my house. Getting rid of extra junk and mess so there will be room for a man when one appears, hahaha (you should've seem my bedroom.

it looks much better.

I can almost feel the right man in my life, I just can't see him IRL yet.

[SunnyBabyIn2005]

Ok, this may be really perverse or whatever, but I gotta ask, Have any of you had sex on a first date?

[MsChatsAlot]

Beloved...
That's great. See, you've already started attracting a different type of man, breaking the old pattern and that's really important!!!

He will come. And instantly I heard that line in my head from the Kevin Costner movie...but maybe in your case..."If you clean it...he will come."

He's out there. If you *feel* there's no attraction, there isn't. You deserve the bells and whistles, the butterflies in your tummy. It will happen. It's good to be picky. You will meet him. Be patient. When you are no longer *waiting* for him....I'll bet he just instantly appears.


SunBaby...
yep...a long time ago. I wouldn't do it again.

[SunnyBabyIn2005]

The reason I asked is because ex & I met at a party (9 years ago) and we did have sex on our first date, granted I thought it was stupid and the time, but it did lead to a good 9 year relationship, well at least the first 7 years were good and 2 beautiful children. BUT, I told myself I'd never do that again. Then come forward 9 years to now, I have been seeing this guy for a couple months, but I wouldn't say we've really been on "date" more like social settings with other friends, well yesterday he invited me over to his place because I need a place to hang out between my appts. at the hospital. I went there, we talked a couple hours, then he started hugging me, and he kissed me, it felt totally right, so one thing led to another, and you all know how the story ends. Well, I feel strange because I don't know if we are now an item or what. We didn't get much of a chance to talk about it. I did call him today (he's moving today & tomorrow) he didn't answer, but I did leave him a message so hopefully he calls me back so I know where we stand. I really like him.

[Lucy VanPelt]

I'm glad you're going to talk to him.

Never assume sex = relationship. Don't even wonder if it does. It doesn't.

Good luck with him.

Beloved, I'm totally there, too! I can feel him but he's not here. (And, honestly, it freaks me out a bit.)

[JustVanessa]

I had sex with ex on the first date. Needless to say I did not rush into anything with current bf. We dated for a month or so before we did. It was hard to not do it sooner though.
Good luck!

[stirringleaf]

Originally Posted by SunnyBabyIn2005

Ok, this may be really perverse or whatever, but I gotta ask, Have any of you had sex on a first date?

yes. and it was fun. but, i dontknow if i could do it again. there was unexpected emotional baggage later.

[SunnyBabyIn2005]

Originally Posted by stirringleaf

yes. and it was fun. but, i dontknow if i could do it again. there was unexpected emotional baggage later.

That is what I am dealing with now because he won't return my calls I have such high anxiety.

[Lucy VanPelt]

Originally Posted by SunnyBabyIn2005

That is what I am dealing with now because he won't return my calls I have such high anxiety.

Let it go. Let him go.

Maybe he has a good reason for not returning your calls. But, honestly, if it's been a few days and he hasn't called, it's time to move on. If he calls later, you can talk with him in a frame of mind that isn't wrapped up in what he thinks of you.

Remember ladies: Most men aren't worth all the energy we put toward them. There are plenty of "good men" out there. Let's stop wasting our good energy on the one's who don't deserve it.

Actions speak louder than words.

[mountain]

Kay--Well, the more you call, the worse off you'll be. If he does pick up, you'll feel lame for calling so much. It's a catch-22.

I know it sounds hard, but find a healthy focus. Whatever is distracting. Don't call again. Leave some mystery & let him know you've got other things in your life--no one wants to share their life with a person who doesn't know how to have one, right? I know you can distract yourself :LOL I can PM you with some hints involving batteries and the movie "Troy" :LOL

My dear stirringleaf, I so feel you. I believe this is all part of some healthy weird process/test designed to either heal us or freak us out. Really. I find myself getting less and less "flinchy" as time goes on...(I remember the first guy I dated after my x said to me, "Don't get too latchey" Whatever.) I went to court yesterday and it only ruined my day. I even did some work later that night, didn't hole up in my room and cry for 3 days.

People are complicated. Some people are really complicated. Some people are only complicated when put in the same room with certain other really complicated people. And we'll never know why, biology, chemistry, destiny, environment, what does it matter. What matters is that we pick ourselves up and create as much beauty in this life as humanly possible.

Your reactions were perfectly right on. And I hope the wine was good. Don't let the really complicated people drag you down.

Jster, don't leave us here!!!

Beloved, i just want to tell you that your attitude seems so wonderful! I am so glad that you are able to go through all this humanity with a smile on your face...r/e the "you'll just know" thing, I just want to intone, "Keep an open mind". I met my love when I was married, and he was engaged to my bass player in my band! We certainly didn't "just know" that we'd be in love 5 years later...Over the last three months I've gone from interest to madly in love, just from taking the time to get to know him.

*sigh* Life is good if we let it be good. Lovin' you mamas.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by mountain

I know you can distract yourself :LOL I can PM you with some hints involving batteries and the movie "Troy" :LOL

Mountain...you crack me up!!!

Thanks, letting me start my morning with a BIG laugh!!! Ds doesn't exactly understand what is so funny..."Mommy, what you laughing about?" Don't think I will be explaining it to him anytime soon, either.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by mountain

I just want to intone, "Keep an open mind". I met my love when I was married, and he was engaged to my bass player in my band! We certainly didn't "just know" that we'd be in love 5 years later...Over the last three months I've gone from interest to madly in love, just from taking the time to get to know him.

I agree. Keep an open mind, sometimes it does take time to get to know someone before you feel that wonderful chemistry.

I never expect instant chemistry on a first date...too much pressure, too much anticipation and both parties are showing off their "good sides".

Although, I also believe you need to trust your instincts.

I give it 3 dates before making a decision, unless the first date is screaming to me...NO WAY!

IMO, it should be a balance of both...instincts and an open mind.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Lucy VanPelt

Let's stop wasting our good energy on the one's who don't deserve it.

Actions speak louder than words.

Absolutely!!!

[Jster]

Originally Posted by mountain

Jster, don't leave us here!!!

I won't! I'd miss you guys too much! And I still feel in a lot of ways like a single mama, just in my sense of independent responsibility, even if I have a live-in DP, who's great about pitching in anywhere.

Yesterday DP and I had a joint birthday party, we're both December babes, he turned 30 on the 4th and I turn 29 on the 20th. That was fun! It's neat to think that we'll be able to share our birthdays in the future, to always celebrate together! And I'll bet our wishes had a whole lot in common...also pretty cool... At the party, which was at a marina, my mom (who's looking to buy a sailboat eventually) and DP went for a walk to look at some boats, then my sister and the girls went for a walk to find them (my mom and DP can be soooo pokey!). When they came walking back, my beau had dd2 and was carrying her, with the BIGGEST grin on his face! I knew she must have made him feel special, and later he said she just ran right up to him. (She's been sick and clingy lately, so it's been a while since he got some good dd2 cuddling in). It was cute, and I appreciate how close they are. Sometimes DD1 is a lot more reluctant to let him into her life/heart, which makes me a little sad.

Other than that...I've been under oodles of stress. I thought things would be better once school got out, but I got in a car accident (no injury, thank goodness) and my car got $4k in damages, well it's only worth about $4800 on a good day and I'll need to replace it before baby is born anyway, so we took the check from the insurance company and are basically totalling it . I bought that car new in 2001, before dd1 was born, and we've been everywhere in it, I'll be a little sad to move on, and shopping for a minivan (yup! big change) has been going slow. Plus time pressures, going-to-miss-my-girls-for-Christmas pressures, shopping (which I HATE!). Sigh, where are my relaxing days? And, um, probably the worst part and most looming part, I have a law review deadline tomorrow at midnight and have no inspiration or interest or energy, nor do I feel like devoting time to it. I think that's really the problem, that law review is hanging over me when I should be DONE!

Mountain, glad to hear things are going well for you! That's wonderful!

BelovedK, I second not putting pressure about "chemistry" on your dating. When I met DP, I had changed my perspective on things, and realized that it wasn't supposed to be about if we could have a magical TV moment, but where we could really connect as people. In fact, we didn't meet on a "date" but at a food sharing for the homeless, and I had the girls with me. It was great, because the pressure WASN'T there to have magic, but we could enjoy our shared interest and get to know one another in person without all the stress. Plus it was just so much more real...it let us be open on a totally different level. I wasn't even sure if we'd go in the direction of dating at that point, but I am so glad I kept open.

Whew! I've missed talking to you guys I guess! I so wish we could all meet in person one day, it would just be so neat!

[Jilian]

Originally Posted by Jster

Whew! I've missed talking to you guys I guess! I so wish we could all meet in person one day, it would just be so neat!

That would be great if we could all meet in person!

I haven't really checked in on this thread in a long time but it sounds like everyone is doing well and growing.

BelovedK I am so proud of you for being able to recognize your non-attraction right away like that, it isn't always easy to do - especially with a nice guy. It sounds like you are in a really good place.

Jster I know what you mean about always feeling like a single mama even with a DP. I think once you've been a single mama for a while it never goes away. I really don't think it's a bad thing. Being a single mom gave me a great sense of independance. When I look back on all I accomplished on my own it makes me feel proud. It's so much better to be in a relationship with someone because you WANT to be, not because you feel like you need to be with someone. That is what I've taken from my days as a single mom.

As for sex on the first date (I forget who asked), I've never done it. But I did make the mistake of using sex to advance the relationship. Guess what, it didn't work and just left me feeling cheated. It didn't magically create a relationship like I thought it would and I felt bad in the end. Ex and I had been dating for about 2 mos before we had sex. DP and I were dating for about a month but had been friends for about 6 mos before we had sex. I think waiting makes it better because you can really get to know the person without complicating things with sex.

[MsChatsAlot]

I agree that *magic/love/etc.* doesn't always happen at the first meeting.

BUT....if you listen to your intuition and it tells you that there's nothing there then there's no point pursuing it and you're best to listen. There is a HUGE difference between feeling a connection with someone and not. If you listen to your intuition and it tells you this is someone special, then you listen and there's a chance that love will grow. If your intuition tells you that there is really nothing there...then it is best to listen to that and free yourself up to find someone you do really connect with.

I'm a very intuitive person. I often times know before I even go out on the date. Just a feeling, just something telling me it's not quite right.....or the times, when in an email, I am so intrigued, so there, so interested that I know meeting will just further enhance that connection.

I have been friends with someone and had it evolve into romance. But my intuition, again...told me to keep being around this person, get to know them, that there is some kind of connection and it's important.

Everyone does deserve to have the excitement or thrill of new love. Whether it evolves slowly or happens immediately. But, regardless, if you leave a date feeling there is nothing there, there probably isn't. But if you leave it feeling you've made a good friend, you might be interested, etc. then give it another chance.