Re: Preteens and sex
|Originally posted by orphie
I'm freaking out! I just found out my 14-year-old daughter is 1) sneaking around behind my back, and 2) having oral and manual sex with her 14-year-old boyfriend!
Of course she is sneaking behind your back! Do you thisnk she will come right out with it in the open?
Look. If she is indulging in this behavior of her own volition, then I'd say she is phycologically ready for fore-play. The shock you must be feeling is that suddenly she is not your baby any more.
As for reading her journal, that was a big mistake. The basis of a secure relationship between teens and parents is trust. That is undermined. If you ever let on, you will lose all trust and respect for the rest of her teen ears, and any leverage will be gone.
You may say that you did it to confirm what you already suspected, but then why did you not ask her up front (if you thought is was any of your business)?
The issue now really is how do you get out from the corner you have painted yourself into?
Teens have huge
respect for mums that are cool.
Recognise what are, and are not your responsibilities as a parent.
Generally, by the time the child is 14, I'd say the responsibilities of parents would cover the following:
How aquire and use a condom.
The dangers of intravenous drugs.
The Pill and how to get on it.
What to do if she thinks she is pregnant.
What to do if she is being coersed unwillingly into sexual activity.
Responsibilities do not include:
Who and when she willingly has sex with.
If you think you can bully, coerse, persude, bribe or in any way forcibly alter her current behavior, you are deluded and will fail.
On the other hand, if you support her, love her, be honest, respect her decisions, remain open and be her most loyal friend, she will come to you, respect you, love you, and most important of all, strive not to hurt or disappoint you.
It is in this way that your best shot at influencing her lie. Woman to woman.
I have little information on your family or your ethics, but you obviously love your child. There is perhaps much re-positioning of your role as parent of a child to parent of a young adult to friend of another adult. That is sometimes really hard, and we are never really ready for it.
I wish you the very best of luck.