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I left my husband... ON topic and long - Page 2

post #21 of 91
I really hope you can figure something out.
post #22 of 91
Gosh, I don't really have many words, but I just couldn't not respond. And I want to send you a . I can't imagine how difficult things must be for you right now. As far as your birth goes, I know that psychological issues can get in the way of birthing, so just bear that in mind. I can see where birthing in a hospital would be really stressful, and same with having a UC with your soon-to-be-ex dh.

I'm sorry I wish I had more advice. (My ds wants a rain smiley : )
post #23 of 91
For what it is worth, many women do scream and yell at birth and not because of the assistant. My first labor was 2 das long with 12 hours of non-stop pain at the end and I made every noise imaginable and could not have been quiet under any circumstances! Just who I am and how I birthed.

So, given that, for a first time labor, I think trying to hide it is not a good idea. I also think a hotel is a bad idea they are super dirty and just kinda not so good for labor. Plus, if you get loud there, same issue as with the parents.

Honestly, I think I would try to find a MW who I could trust and see what options are available.

Sorry you are in this place
post #24 of 91
Quote:
Originally Posted by pamamidwife View Post
Do you dislike your dp right now? The reason I ask is this is his baby, too. Perhaps birthing with him in your home could be healing for you both as parents, not necessarily partners. As a first time mom, I would recommend having someone there to help you at least, during birth.

Another option is to ask him to leave your house and you live there.

I wouldn't feel comfortable towards the end of the preg living with my parents if they didn't support my birth choices. I also wouldn't put me or my baby at risk for medical intervention because of someone elses fear of birth.
Yes..This exactly.
I also think a hotel with a friend is a good idea if you are not on good terms with stbx.
Good luck mama...
post #25 of 91
i don't like the hotel idea. first most of them are dirty.

and second, in the unlikely and highly doubtful event that something awful happens it seems like it would be easier to bring some jackass charges against the mom-to-be. i hate to sound like a pessimist, but really this thought has intuitively jumped out at me a few times on this thread.
post #26 of 91

health insurance

I don't know about AL, but when I divorced in CA, I had to keep my XH on my health insurance until the divorce was final or he could make other arrangements. Legally, he could be obligated to pay the premiums(at my employer subsidized rate, not the uber-high cobra rates), but I couldn't just drop him out of spite.

I would go tomorrow and open up a bank account. XH and I each agreed to open an account with amount X, leaving the rest in a joint account to cover outstanding bills like credit cards and such. But if you don't trust him, take half now. You can always pay your share of joint bills out of your own account.
post #27 of 91
I was in a somewhat similar situation 5 years ago. Then DP , I, and my DDs were living in an apt in my parents' basement.

I had a beautiful UC while my parents were out of the house. Then my Mom came home and insisted we go to the hospital, and DP agreed with her that it would be a good idea "just to get us both checked out." He honestly beleived we'd be out of the hospital and back home within a few hours, and I was too much in "birth la la land" to realize that that wouldn't happen, and insist on staying home.

We bundled ourselves up and prepared to drive to the hospital. Then my Mom panicked and called 911. DS was taken in an ambulence, I was taken in a police car. The idiot EMTs took him outside half naked (they had to unzip his snowsuit to cut the cord and didn't bother wrapping him back up) in 40 degee weather, and he was hypothermic when he arrived at the hospital. Of course the people at the hospital assumed he was hypothermic because I neglected him and not because the EMTs screwed up. They kept him in the NICU for a week on IV antibiotics "because he was born outside the sterile hospital." He didn't have any kind of infection or any reason to be kept in the hospital whatsoever, but they kept him in the NICU anyway. I had to go home before he did. They called CPS and we had them hovering over us for several months. I was found "indicated for child abuse or neglect" all because I had a UC.

Had I birthed in the hospital, he would have roomed in with me and we both would have been home in 2 days. Had I shown up at the hospital 9 cm dialated, they couldn't have messed up labor too much (then again, I was in no place to move anywhere at that point in labor.)

If your parents are going to whisk you off to the hospital shortly after the birth, you're probably better off showing up at the hospital in late labor and giving birth there- in terms of keeping your ass covered legally and in terms of minimizing mother-baby separation. The ideal situation is to give birth at home and simply stay there, maybe take the baby to a ped when he's 2 or 3 weeks old to get paperwork for a birth certificate. But if you're going to have other adults in the house who are likely to flip out on you, you need to check out all your options carefully. If they call 911 and you refuse to get into the ambulence, will the EMTs contact CPS?

Do you have any other options regarding your living situation? Is there any way you can educate your mother about birthing options- and make her truly understand what goes on in hospitals today? Can you make your parents pay for any birth-related hospital expenses if THEY'RE the ones who insist on taking you there? Also, kind of OT, see if you qualify for Medicaid- if so, that will cover the financial cost of a hospital birth.

I wouldn't consider living with STBX to even be an option. With all the crap he's doing lately, what makes you think he'd respect your birth choices when it came right down to it?

Can you find another MDC mama who would let you birth at her house? Even if you don't go through with it, if your parents see that you'd rather birth with "strangers" than go to a hospital and have them nearby, they might realize that this is important to you and respect your choices.
post #28 of 91
Wow. Your husband honestly sounds a bit psycho. Deleting all your files... insisting on being at the birth but not wanting to be a father to the baby... just, wow. I'd be scared to death to try to give birth with him anywhere near around.

Okay, some suggestions: Look into emergency social services -- remembering that not all community sevice agencies are government-run -- and especially those having to do with women in abusive or dangerous situations. Also look at the MDC Giving Forum. http://www.mothering.com/discussions...lay.php?f=231I You never know, somebody might be able to help you out. I certainly would if I could.

And immediately talk to a lawyer. Any upfront fees should be minimal. I don't know what's possible, but since everything is in your name, at the very least with a lawyer's help you can get him out of the apartment. If you can't get any help with the rent, maybe look into getting more credit. You're going to live with your parents after the baby is born anyway, and you'll be working. It may take some time, but you'll be able to pay it off. Cheaper anyway than a hospital birth, right? (Although that's something else the lawyer should be able to help with... if you're still married, I don't think he should be able to take you off his medical insurance. ?)

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this all.
post #29 of 91
I am thinking he will change his tune once the baby is here and take any dad time he can get? P/T is better than no time.
pg to men is different.
Hugs mama.
post #30 of 91
One more thing -- there must be underground midwives in Alabama -- maybe it would be worth checking out if one would let you birth in her house? Not ideal, but probably better than stepping into an unsecure hospital situation. The midwife that attended my second birth is totally respectful of UC, and what's more she's had people birth at her house in really difficult situations, one being a homeless family once that was living in a motel. I mean, you just never know until you start putting feelers out there. There are some amazing people out there.
post #31 of 91
I would consider the hotel room. Or the midwife's home idea. Or get on the Finding Your Tribe area boards and find someone at MDC near you who might be willing to make friends between now and then.

You need to do some damage control with your stb ex. Cancel all the credit cards and utilities and everything else that's in your name. If your name is on the lease at your former home, immediately contact them and get it off, leaving only his.

Apply for medicaid. It's pretty easy to get when pg, and will provide you with a back up if you DO wind up at the hospital.
post #32 of 91
I'm very sorry you are facing this.

My only suggestion is to go post on the Single Parenting board for tips on how to deal with this legally (from mothers who have been there). I mean the fact that he doesn't want anything to do with your son, fine jerk... then how do you protect yourself and son and move on??? without him acting like a yo-yo in his life causing more problems. Better to cut the cord if he is adamant he doesn't want to be a "part-time" dad. :
post #33 of 91
Laura, I have a suggestion. First, I am so very sorry you're in this difficult situation.

I think it is very tough for a FTM to have a UC. It can be done; women have done it and it has been wonderful and beautiful. But especially without the right kind of support, I think it incredibly challenging.

I attempted a UC with a very supportive dh for our first. We did transfer to the hospital after 19+ hours labor because I had had 7 very, very painful hours of labor and nothing was happening. I arrived at 9+cm and all I did at the hospital was push dd out in 25 minutes. I had a small lip of cervix and no pushing urge (even after the lip of cervix was pushed out of the way).

I think it's a bad idea to birth with your stbx because you aren't in love with him. In fact, right now you hate him. And you have every right! But I think that's a very, very difficult situation to birth in and will make your birth more complicated. I think it would compromise the comfort, safety, and success of your UC.

I also think living with him now under these circumstances would be intolerable and you just shouldn't put that stress on yourself and your baby.

Have you tried posting on the "Tribal" area for info regarding a local midwife? You may find help and resources and other ideas through local people. In most states where lay midwives are illegal, there are some still practicing and you may just find someone who has a better idea for you.

My suggestion is to hire a really experienced doula, possibly even someone who has practiced lay midwifery. Do your best to line up a NCB friendly doctor (possibly a family MD, as they are not OBs and more likely to be NCB friendly). Then arrange with your doula (and doctor, if possible) to labor at home as long as possible, and then only transfer when you feel you absolutely must (hopefully the hospital is reasonably close?). If you arrive near pushing, it's too late for them to do much of anything. No one even had time to take my blood pressure. They just put on an external monitor, checked dilation, and I was pushing. It wasn't a UC, but it was intervention-free. And as the family MD I had was low-intervention, he also did not do things to the baby that I did not want (i.e., we had delayed cord clamping, etc.).

I know this isn't what you wanted, or what you'd planned. I ended up with something that also was not exactly what I wanted or planned. But it worked out well overall, and baby and I were not messed with at the hospital. (We had originally planned a home waterbirth, and I was very attached to this birth. But we had to change our plans at 37 wks.)

Most first births are longer and/or more difficult than subsequent births, even UC births. I think some of how much easier UC is often described as is because it is not a first birth. My first birth was long, difficult, and very painful. I made lots and lots of noise, and there was no way I could have stopped it - and that was many hours before we went to the hospital!

I would hope that if you had an experienced doula and you and she could labor comfortably in a room in your house, you could transfer when you felt the time was right. And you can tell your parents the baby will be born at the hospital, which will reassure them (hopefully).

I would not under any circumstances birth at a hotel. First, you would be exposing yourself and the baby to all of the unfamiliar germs etc. at the hotel. Also, it's quite likely you'll make a lot of noise, quite possibly in the middle of the night, and people will complain. I think that would be a really difficult way to labor. It is also completely unfamiliar and I honestly feel that I would be afraid to birth alone in a hotel.

I know this isn't what you want, but I don't think at this point exactly what you wanted is going to happen. I had to face that too at 37 weeks when my nice homebirthing MD did something I could not accept and I was left without a provider I felt comfortable with. But I did everything I could to still have a healthy NCB and uninterrupted labor.

I think finding a good support person would be very important (i.e., doula).

Sorry this is so long, but your situation really touched me. My heart goes out to you.

Julia
dd 8mos

Disclaimer: A 30 min car ride at 9+ cm is very uncomfortable. I did not enjoy it. I did wear my seat belt. It was no worse than pushing, though.
post #34 of 91
Oh Sweetie... I don't have anything to say but what has been said. I wanted to offer you and !! I wish I could offer you a safe place... to live, to birth... to recover from all this craziness.

I used to clean hotels... and they ARE seriously dirty, but if you take that route, you could take supplies to clean it yourself (just what you'll want to be doing in labor!!), especially if you want to get in the tub. And be sure to bring ALL of your OWN linens, blankets, sheets, a plastic/rubber sheet to cover the mattress and their stuff ... hotels (that I can afford! ) never wash their top blankets or bedspreads... maybe once a week!

And I also thought, do you have anything like little cabins, that have their own walls, stand alone buildings, in your area? You know how some places, rather than nappy little motels, have just little cabins to rent for the night? Maybe that would be less obvious/less people hearing you? Especially in January, that might be affordable. Tons of those here in Colorado, but I don't know Alabama.

I second FLB, see if you can't connect with some underground midwives, and/or some less governmental aid organizations.

Bless you!
Lizzie
post #35 of 91
One of my good friends had a HBAC back in 2000 in AL with midwives, and yes they are underground, but they're there. I don't know what else to say that hasn't been said but I couldn't read with out sending a
post #36 of 91
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lizzie View Post
Oh Sweetie... I don't have anything to say but what has been said. I wanted to offer you and !! I wish I could offer you a safe place... to live, to birth... to recover from all this craziness.

I used to clean hotels... and they ARE seriously dirty, but if you take that route, you could take supplies to clean it yourself (just what you'll want to be doing in labor!!), especially if you want to get in the tub. And be sure to bring ALL of your OWN linens, blankets, sheets, a plastic/rubber sheet to cover the mattress and their stuff ... hotels (that I can afford! ) never wash their top blankets or bedspreads... maybe once a week!

And I also thought, do you have anything like little cabins, that have their own walls, stand alone buildings, in your area? You know how some places, rather than nappy little motels, have just little cabins to rent for the night? Maybe that would be less obvious/less people hearing you? Especially in January, that might be affordable. Tons of those here in Colorado, but I don't know Alabama.

I second FLB, see if you can't connect with some underground midwives, and/or some less governmental aid organizations.

Bless you!
Lizzie
Oh my goodness.... That is a great idea! The cabin idea, that is. In January here you can rent a great little cabin in the woods at a local state park for next to nothing. I could probably afford to get it for a couple of weeks, so I would have time to clean it well. These cabins overlook a beautiful lake and they have HOT TUBS and fireplaces... hmmm.... my mental image of birthing in a dirty hotel room as my only *out of home* option just changed drastically. I am going to look into this.
post #37 of 91
Oh LJ... you're making me cry!! I can't believe I thought of that, and that it might work for you!! I hope I hope I hope.....



And be sure you find out how to seriously clean the hot tub... at the hospital I had my son at, the directions for cleaning their tub had something to do with filling it, pouring in so much bleach, then running it for so long... maybe someone else has better recommendations for doing that? It sounds so happy!
post #38 of 91
Mama, s and more s

My hat is off to you for finding the strength to leave and take care of your needs.

IMhumbleO, take the nessasary steps to protect yourself further. Pp's have suggested taking your name off of whatever utilies, etc, and the rental agreement. I would do this. If he is not going to help, then do not become responsible for any more of his actions. My sugestion would be immeadiate action on your part. This is important from a legal standpoint. I didn't find out what I needed to know last spring when I went through some stuff with my ex, until the LAST minute. I ended up on a midnight plane one day overdue and pennyless. I had been living on oatmeal, rice and beans for two weeks before my family showed up. It was immeadiate action that changed my situation and kept me in a good position legally. Find out what your rights are.

Is there a lawyer referral system in your area? these services connect you with a lawyer that will give you a half hour to answer any questions you have. If not, some lawyers will offer a free half hour consultation. Pretend you are going to use them and use up as many of these as you need until you know what you need to know. ( i did this three times.)

My post may have been a bit OT, but I feel these are some important things to keep in mind. The more information you have the better off you are.

Mama, on another note, choosing what you want to do about your birth.... My heart goes out to you. Just by coming here and stating your situation, you open the energy around you to flow back to you with answers and hopefully options.
post #39 of 91
Quote:
Originally Posted by L J View Post
Oh my goodness.... That is a great idea! The cabin idea, that is. In January here you can rent a great little cabin in the woods at a local state park for next to nothing. I could probably afford to get it for a couple of weeks, so I would have time to clean it well. These cabins overlook a beautiful lake and they have HOT TUBS and fireplaces... hmmm.... my mental image of birthing in a dirty hotel room as my only *out of home* option just changed drastically. I am going to look into this.
I was thinking while writing my first post - somehow these things just work out, you will find a way or one will fall before you. My druthers would feel much more comfortable with a private cabin, and I wanted to nay the hotel room personally. And it's more economical for you to boot!

Good luck mama, I'll be thinking about you and best birth wishes!
post #40 of 91
i know it is not unassisted.... but it is not a hospital.. so it could be a compromise.. but what about a Birthing Center? Do they have them in Alabama?

hugs.
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