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I need advice

post #1 of 9
Thread Starter 
Hi all, I have a huge problem my partner and i have 6 kiddies between us. They all live with us and all but 1 of them gets along with everyone. After huge discussions with all the children about what issues they have we have found that my step son aged 11 has a huge jealousy problem. He gets so upset over the smallest things like me buying someone else some socks. The problem has got so bad he has told us that he doesnt want to do any of the hard work around the farm which my partner and i both found ok but we said if that is how he wants it he shouldnt get the same privelleges the other kids do, so now we are picking on him. His school work is incredibly poor he wont even bring homework home and so now when he doesnt bring it home he loses his motor bike for a week, but we are picking on him. He has been telling all the kids at school that he hates his step brother aged 11 when we asked him why he told us that its because he is taller , smarter, nicer and he doesnt get in trouble. we explained that he doesnt get in trouble because he does as he is asked, but still we are picking on him. My step son has been for the last 6 months getting every single bit of attention good or bad around here and he is loving it. He is also upset that none of the other kids want to play with him but when they told him that it was because he is always trying to boss them around and get out of work he said they were picking on him. He tells me at least once a day how hard done by he is and how he gets nothing. He is the only one out of all of them that gets to race motor bikes , but he doesnt see that. He is the only one that gets any time spent with him as we are forever trying to "fix" whatever problem he has. Whenever anything doesnt go his way he will just cry and wont stop, when we make him do his school work he cries if we get him to wash up he cries. I do not know what to do or even where or how to start to try fix this problem, its now affecting everyone , his little sister asked me yesterday why her dad and i hardly ever talk to the rest of them . I tried to explain but i dont know how to tell them. I love my step son and step daughter greatly and until typing this have never referered to them as step kids please help me.
post #2 of 9
What is the situation with this boy's mother? Is she alive? Does he get to see her? Is it possible he has issues with that situation?
I think with an 11 year old there should be consequences to his actions and behaviors as there seem to be in your home but are there underlying feelings that are causing him to feel and behave this way?
post #3 of 9
Thread Starter 
His mum died 3 years ago. We have taken him to a counsellor quiet a few times and she told us he is coping very well with the death of his mum. We have tried everything and i am at a loss now as what to do. He has told his dad and i he wants me to stay but not my kids. He calls me mum and most times we are incredibly close just i am trying so hard at the moment to not focus all attention on him and thats when things went bad. Maybe i am doing something very wrong here or missing something but we have done the counsellor , the doctor and all else so many times i dont know whats left to try.
post #4 of 9
I couldn't read and not offer a for you. Sounds like a really tense, tough situation.

Have you tried completely ignoring any negative behavior? Not saying let him get away with it, by any means, but just if he's whining, ignore him until he stops. Let him know that his siblings will not interact with him if he's rude, and tell his siblings to act the same way...if he's rude to them, they shouldn't have to interact with him, regardless of whether he'll throw a tantrum or not. Whining and tantrums get NO response until the behavior stops. He's certainly old enough to know better.

Then again, all of this advice may be a complete load of crap. My oldest is not quite 7, and we haven't faced anything remotely similar.

Maybe his mom's death is hitting him now?

Hang in there, mama!
post #5 of 9
i agree with pps. he may need some counceling now. also ignoring bad behaviour, and concentrating on good behaviour. it definately sounds like he is feeling like he is getting lost in such a big family, or needs more attention for some reason. perhaps a family counceler would not direct to much attention to him. i hope you are able to work things out soon.
post #6 of 9
Thread Starter 
How things are right now his dad and i are at each others throat because now he has given the 11 year old all his attention completely the other kiddies are lost. We have had him to a counsellor numerous times and nothing is working. This has been going on for 12 months now and worsenend in the last 6 my partner his dad is always giving him second third and forth chances when no one else gets any chances, i have 6 kids not 1 and so does my partner but how do i get my partner to understand that totally giving one attention and ignoring the rest isnt the answer either. I feel the only option is to leave the situation. I love them but i am so sad about this and i cant find a solution.
post #7 of 9
One thing you haven't mentioned is about the bio-father of YOUR kids. Is it possible that there is jealousy/resentment to your kids because they go to thier dads house sometimes? I'm assuming dad is still active in thier lives... don't know your personal history.

Maybe hormones? I don't remember my brother being that much trouble when he was 12, and my DH's son is only 7... it's his sisters hormones that are raging right now!! arrrggg!!
post #8 of 9
Thread Starter 
The bio father of my kiddies is completely gone from there lives so i dont see that as being a problem. After yet another counselling apointment the counsellor has decided that he is just an overly sensitive child that is always going to require extra attention than anyone, which will be hard to explain to all the others but anything is worth a go.
post #9 of 9
I would be inclined to respond w/ NO attention, as pp said. although it may be tough to get dp to agree to that. it's worth a shot though. if, as you say, he eats up ANY attention, he might decide it's worthwhile to play along & participate than rebel & get no attention. it's not fair to punish the "good" kids w/ no attention & reward him for bad behavior. as I see it, you ARE "picking on him", b/c you are focusing on his issues & not the others'.
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