Inlaws (long vent...sorry!)

[Katie1108]

Hi there!

I don't know if this is the appropriate forum for these complaints, but I have to get some stuff off of my chest.

My inlaws have been crazy since the day they found out I was pregnant. It all started with this comment as soon as they found out. My mil said, "I just have one request. Please don't bring anything for the baby into the house until it's born." They are Jewish and that's a Jewish tradition, but they NEVER go to temple, never do ANYTHING jewish, etc., etc., etc. That may not sound like a huge thing, but I'm so superstitious and after she said that I was freaked to have a baby shower, it led to fights with my husband because he also got superstitious and worried that she had cursed us (okay, it sounds silly now that my son is here and perfectly fine, but it was really hard then!). Then they made fun of all the names we chose, kept telling me they wanted a "good" baby, not a "bad" baby like my husband was.

After my ds was born, it got worse if you can imagine it. Without asking us they planned a two week visit right around when I was due (I had ds right on my due date). It was awful. At one point, when my family was there for their two day visit, my mil took my ds into the nursery and without asking me (AGAIN!) gave him a pacifier, then tried desperately to get him into the crib. We hadn't planned on cosleeping, but once he was here it felt so natural, but because my mil was so evil about it and insisted that we were ruining him by cosleeping I agonized for weeks about how to get him out of our bed. They're pretty much ANTI-AP, wonder why I breastfeed, wonder why I carried MAx in a sling everywhere until he was just too heavy, wonder why I didn't start solids at birth and wonder why I didn't feed him jarred baby food.

When ds was 7 months old my fil says, "I can't wait until Max is three so he can come and stay for us for a week by himself." I said, "Oh, yeah, like that's going to happen!" What was he thinking? Whenever they visit, which is often and always for a week, every other phrase out of their mouth is, "We'll babysit." Ds is 16 months now and we haven't ever left him with anyone else. In my family we enjoy time together as a family, my dad is never trying to get rid of me and dh so he can be alone with Max, and dh and I have never wanted to leave Max. We don't even leave our dog, so what makes them think we'd want to leave Max?

They are totally controlling of all their kids. They have a 21 year old daughter whose life they micromanage. And they try to do the same thing to us. Thank God dh is on my side. They are so mean to him. Which is part of the problem. THey didn't ever visit until we had Max and now it's every month. But they're mean to dh in front of Max, which I won't tolerate.

The problem is, I am so angry with them! And at myself for sitting back and taking all their crap. Probably I'm mostly angry with myself. They probably think they've backed off after the first few months. But they're so rude and overbearing and I'm still upset about things that happened before. To the point where I get really agitated if they call, even though I don't EVER talk to them anymore. I don't want to deny Max a relationship with them, they obviously love him. It's just that their brand of "love" is to control the lives of their kids and grandchild and I don't want Max to have to deal with that. Plus, I really don't like their values or how they treat dh and it's hard to want to share the loves of your life with people you don't like.

I just had to vent. I've been so upset lately, probably because as SOON as the article about vitamin D deficiency came out mil called and asked if we're supplementing. This from the woman who watched as her 5 year old (my dh) apparently gorged on ice cream and coke all the time. As far as I can tell that's all he ate as a child.

Arg. Sorry this is so long. It just made me feel marginally better (and actually, marginally angrier!) to write it.

TIA if you made it this far!

Katie

[Evergreen]

nak
sounds like my mil, esp the part about being mean to dh. if there is anything you can do, i havent figured it out yet. sorry.

[Piglet68]

I don't have much to tell you except that you aren't the only one whose inlaws drive them nuts, if that helps!

Seriously, though. It is tough when your family doesn't support your parenting style. You've listed so many issues here: their showing up all the time uninvited, they way they treat your DH in front of you and your DS, their lack of respect for your parenting decisions (going behind your back, etc)...

If you are like me and being proactive makes you feel better, you might want to sit down and make a list of the major things they do that you want to change. Then you might want to try instilling these rules, probably one at a time is best so they get it. Start with the parenting thing. Sit them down and explain that DS is not to have [ice cream, pacifier, whatever] and that while they may not understand why, they must respect that you are the parent. Repeat and repeat until they get it. When you think you've made yourself clear, move onto the next thing. Oftentimes those who upset us really don't know that they are, so it is important to communicate to them. And I think some of us (me, for example) find it hard to stand up for ourselves as adults when around the parent generation. Even though we are now parents, too!

[DaisyD]

You need to deal with the uninvited visits. But you probably knew that. Are they staying with you? Do you get advanced warning? How does your husband feel about these visits?
If he is on your side, they are his parents and he needs to be the one deal with these issues, not you. You can support him and help him find ways to talk to them, but it really is his place to ask them to respect your style of parenting.
Another thought is, just as they are trying to control you and your dh, you would like to change them and that probably isn't going to happen. Perhaps if you saw them less often they might be easier to handle.
Aren't MILs fun? :

[becoming]

How frustrating!

First of all, did your MIL really think you were going to let her babysit after she snuck a pacifier to your baby behind your back and spoke out against every one of your views on parenting? It's crazy how grandparents sometimes think that they have some sort of "right" to keep your child. That should be a privilege that comes only after seeing that the aforementioned grandparents care for your child in a way that you approve of. If she's blatantly telling you (basically) that your parenting style is ridiculous, why does she think you would let her keep your child?

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with such mean in-laws. I can't say that I have any experience with that, as I got lucky in that department, but I'm sure it's no fun. It sounds like you have been dealing with them very tactfully, and I think that's always the best way to handle it. After all, they are your DH's parents, no matter how mean to him they might be. I'd say just grit your teeth and try to tolerate them, but don't let them talk you into letting them keep that baby! (You are right to allow your son to have a relationship with them, though.)

Maybe they'll come around one day...

[alexa07]

I have quite a few responses.

1. The whole baby shower, not bringing things in, thing. This is a Jewish cultural thing. It has nothing to do with religion per se. (Jewishness is a religion but it also has certain cultural aspects, like being Italian.) This is a really strong belief among Jews, that you don't bring or buy stuff for the baby before its born. You feel (even though you know its silly) that if you do that, you could hurt the chances for a healthy baby. So, at least on this count give you IL's the benefit of the doubt and assume that they were acting from an unshakable feeling of love.

2. The not following your rules. This is not accpetable. Sit them down and say. "I know you don't like the way I do things with Max and I know you only want what you think is best for him, but DH and I have to make these decisions and we need you to respect them." If you really want to be nice about it say "Maybe some day when Max grows up, he will want to give his dc a pacifier and I will want to take that right out of his mouth, but I won't because I will respect that it is then Max and his wife's choice, not mine. I ask you to do the same."

3. The "visit" when Max is three. My parents asked for my DD's to go on vacation with them for a week. I said. "Sorry, but I couldn't sleep if they were away from me for a week." I just made it clear it was NOT going to happen.

4. A relationship. I really think that you shouldn't deny Max a realtionship with them. Obviously, when he is little you need to be around,but as he get older, there is nothing wrong with letting them babysit. Even if grandparents don't always do things our way, there is something really nice about kids having "special"things with grandma and grandpa. (My parents take my kids to Chuck E Cheese, which I detest. But ya know what, I think that when my parents are gone this is what my girls are going to remember most about them. So what if they had a little soda a few times a year, its not gonna kill them.)

[Katie1108]

Alexa,

You know, you pretty much hit the nail on the head about why I'm upset. I don't understand why I can't just let these things go. I am normally a pretty strong person, but when it comes to dealing with them I turn into an angry teenager again! And my parents never made me feel this way, even as a teenager.

I do have to clarify about the baby shower...she had her whole nursery set up each time BEFORE her babies were born, so she can't be that worried! No, it's that all of her friends' daughters respected that tradition (which I totally understand as a cultural vs. religious thing), so she didn't want to be left out of the loop. Just as an aside, in my cultural background the baby shower is a wonderful way to celebrate the upcoming birth and to get together with other moms, sisters, friends to trade stories. But she didn't care about that! I don't mean to make this snotty towards you, Alexa, your point is well made and happily taken .

I would never deny any type of relationship between my kids (hopefully I'll have more!) and their grandparents. Especially since I imagine they'll have a pretty good relationship with my parents since I do. And I'm sure one day they'll get their big wish to babysit. I just don't understand why they can't let things happen in their natural time. And also why they continue to criticize my husband and our parenting even though it obviously upsets us.

They suck, but how do I become a bigger person and not try to poison them (just kidding!) everytime they're here?

Thanks to everyone for the advice and support.

Katie

[momea]

Hey Katie!
When you said that your IL's are totally loving but that their love manifests itself as trying to control everyone around them it completely described my IL's. I wish I could tell you how to deal with your feelings and with them. I just struggle everytime I see them. I just know that I feel worse if I don't stick up for my child and my values. It's a fine line to walk between interferring in the relationship (not being too controlling myself! ) and asserting myself.
Do your IL's like you? Mine don't like me so it makes it easier to deal with them sometimes because I'm not worried about keeping a friendship that doesn't exist.
One thing that really gets to me is when they try to manipulate my daughter - if you can believe it they wanted her to come stay with them for a "few days - or even a week (hopeful smile)" when she was 6 MONTHS!!! They were obsessed with her staying over for an extended stay without us - talked about it all the time before she was born and I was thinking 6 or 8 years old for 1 night! Anyway they guilt her all the time - someday you will come stay with us for a few days - would you like that? ask your mommy. this is absolute bs and we have to constantly interrupt them and say "that's not okay - talk with us not ellie about these issues" - even if it is in the middle of easter dinner! I feel they are doubly manipulative to pull these pranks when I will look like a major creep for responding. So I have to respond and let go of looking nice.
Maybe it (their behavior) is hard to let go of because you need their approval? Could that be? Or do you feel unconfident around them?
Gosh - good luck I know it really stinks! Us moms have dreams about the relationship our kids can have with their grandparents too! I hope they get better - oh and I just wanted to let you know that the most effective thing as far as taming my mil with specific issues was to have my husband call her.

[Foobar]

Katie-

I am sorry. My IL are also Jewish and I did not have a shower because of that. We did talk them into us setting up the room, but not finishing the last turn of a screw for the crib. That way, we could do that after Goo was born and not have the room "complete" (sneaky, eh?)

We had a Brit Bat for Goo (like a Brit Milah, but no cutting!) We planned this a few months before she was born and I made it clear with everyone the ground rules. MIL had "never heard of such a thing" I gave her many websites and then said "if I have a son, you would be out in a minute for his Brit. I will not allow you to treat a daughter of mine any different". That stuck. She's been pretty cool at listening based on that.

Now- if you DH has trouble dealing with them, and can't talk with them, I would do the following. The next time they show up announced, simply point them to the nearest hotel and say "You are welcome to visit, but not at our house". Limit the time they can stay with you.

For visiting...my parents are wise. They take the "if the child isn't potty trained and won't cry for mom everynight, they can't stay with us" I prefer that because I would be so upset if Goo was missing us...

Does any of this make sense?

[alexa07]

Katie,

I wasn't upset by what you said at all. I do really think its strange that your MIL set up her nurseries before hand but didn't want you to have a shower. Maybe she was not herself raised with this cultural tradition, but now that her friends daughters are not having showers she doesn't want to feel that she did something wrong.

Believe me, I think showers are really cool, and I would have loved to have one, but I was afraid I would send that evil eye down on my baby (crazy, huh?)

When I was pregnant, I went to Europe on business and wanted to buy this darling little outfit, but I couldn't shake the feelings that this was wrong. My boss, who is Catholic, was a real dear and bought the outfit and gave it to me after DD was born. I was so glad to have it, but just couldn't buy it myself!

[Lucysmama]

Feel your pain

Katie,
I know how you feel, but in my case, my MIL is supportive, and my own mother is not. I was raised on junk food and TV, not breastfed, disposables, etc... totally opposite of me and my hubby's style. We made it clear to my family the Lu is eating vegetarian and organically as much as possible, cloth-diapered, co-sleeping, sling-carried. My mom gave her meat behind our backs! She also refuses to use cloth diapers, gives my 1-year-old junk food, and buys her enormous plastic light-up noisy toys... When I had a c-section for failure to progress, after going 8 hours drug free on MUCHO pitocin, she told me, "I never thought you would have her vaginally anyway." (I was born via elective C-section)
Because this is my own mother, you would think I could talk to her about this, but I can't... she feels like I think she raised me "wrong",and thinks my beliefs are an attack on her parenting style... despite my assurances that it's not. She gets highly defensive. My MIL is wonderful, educated and open-minded, and very supportive of us.
Thanks for reading. I needed to vent to sympathetic mamas...

[Katie1108]

Hi Everyone!

First of all, thanks again.

I was nervous about the shower, too. I was just mad because I felt like she made the evil eye EVEN MORE on me by saying anything! How's THAT for crazy?

Thank God my inlaws don't stay with us when they're here. But my dh feels so guilty if we don't see them all the time. He has this weird hate/guilt relationship with them. Which ends up with us sitting around in a stifling hotel room with them with my mil responding with, "Yes, I'm mommy" when my ds says "ma-ma" WEIRD.

I can see my ils doing the whole talk-to-the-kid-not-the-parents thing when Max is old enough to understand. I'll have to step in there. And I think you hit the nail on the head when you said I feel unconfident around them. Actually, I feel perfectly confident in what I'm doing and I continue to do what I feel comfortable with in terms of breastfeeding, I just hate confrontation and I hate the wigged out feeling I get whenever we have contact with them. I look ahead and see the rest of my life with them being a series of confrontations with me trying to tell them I know what I'm doing. Private school or not private school is a fight that my mil is already gearing up for. But I don't see it as they have any say at all. Unless I ask them for advice.

I feel better talking to you all, thank you!

Katie

[Katie1108]

Hi Lucysmama,

Hang in there! I think my mom wants to feed Max meat behind our backs. She thinks there's something inherently weird about vegetarians. Thank God she's too scared (I don't know why!) of my dh. But doesn't the total lack of sensitivity kill you? Being a mom is a profession where you already doubt yourself so much, it's not like you need more doubt! And I don't know about you, but I'm supersensitive where Max is concerned.

You always have a sympathetic ear here.

Katie

[GoodWillHunter]

One ally you have is your dh. Thank goodness! Your mil sounds like my mom, only a lot meaner! My mom feels like bfing is obscene (since he's 18 months) and I hear about twice a week now, "Oh, look! He doesn't want to nurse! He must be ready to wean!" or "You need to learn about pacifiers!". I'm not allowed to nurse at her dinner table, (my mil says it's cool with her) and co-sleeping is bad for the baby! go figure. Oh, well, what can I do, it's my mom. I just nod and let it go in one ear and out the other (unless I'm in a combative mood. Then I fight!)

[wombat]

you poor thing, I don't know how you can stand a MIL like that staying with you for that long and that often! You must be a saint.

I bet your controlling MIL picks up on that you're under confident and avoiding confrontation. And with dh feeling guilty, she probably finds you both pushovers. It needn't be confrontational to remind her that in YOUR house, things are done your way. If it were me, I'd say something about you wanting to make sure visits are pleasant (ie they are NOT pleasant now) and could she please do ... and not do ... while in your house to make sure visits are pleasant for everyone and how important it is for it to be pleasant when they're there for a week. I imagine she has no idea how awful she makes you feel with all her silly talk. Sounds like she thinks there is only way to raise a child (the way she knew) and she doesn't understand AP at all. I think you need to let her know gently how bad she makes you feel and how important you feel it it for ds to have a relationship with his g'parents and how to reconcile the two. If you 'criticise' on the pretext of trying to ensure a good relationship for ds and MIL, you should be able to get her on board. You might wanna read one of those books on dealing with difficult people. They have lots of good tips about the language traps people fall into and how to deal with them. Good luck.

[2much2luv]

Just wanted to add my (((((hugs))))) and warm thoughts for you. My in-laws are also nuts and i cannot wait until dh finishes school so we can move far away! But hang in there.

[AutumnWind]

Katie - I TOTALLY feel for you!!!!!!

I, too, am in an intercultural marriage (my in-laws are Asian), and have many issues similar to the ones you're describing. It's very stressful, and requires a strong marriage to get through that kind of pressure and strain. Hang in there! It gets better with time.

I have a different opinion on the baby shower thing. The MIL's wishes are not the *only* ones to be considered. I know it's over, but I wanted to put my 2 cents in anyway. Yes, *she's* Jewish, and it's a *Jewish* cultural tradition to not do the baby shower. BUT - I'm assuming you're NOT Jewish. And YOU are the one the shower would be thrown for. YOU are the guest of honor. This is a right of passage in many American cultures!!! It's a very joyful day, and like you said, full of sharing with the other women in your family. It's an ancient tradition!!! Now, if your dh was set against the baby shower, I could see not having it (was he?). But, it's really YOUR family that throws the shower, and if you and your side of the family are not Jewish, then of course you would want to go on with your own cultural traditions!!! The gifts from the shower would go to your house - of course. Or maybe they could've gone to your mom's house or something till the baby was born. I'm just thinking that YOUR cultural traditions and wishes need to be RESPECTED and followed!!!!! You are the baby's mother, you are the wife, you are an adult. I feel bad that you didn't get a baby shower! It was one of the most special days in my life!

I don't know - I'm thinking that this might've been a great opportunity to set some limits with your MIL. She may have now gotten the message that you and dh are going to be obedient in some ways to her and that she's going to be able to assert her wishes. Of course, compromise is required in some of these situations, but I think you giving up your baby shower was WAY too much to ask!!!

The thing that would've really bothered me is that your MIL had her nursery completely set up before her baby was born. To me, that says A LOT.

About the baby staying overnight with them - why do ILs want to be alone with the babies??? I hear this from a lot of people. It is their grandchild, but it's not their *child*. I would especially be leary of having the baby stay overnight with them if they're not following your wishes. I am POSITIVE that any grandparent can spend perfectly special time with their grandchildren, with the children's mother or father present. UNLESS they're planning to undermine some of the things you're doing???

Finally - I totally feel for you about the 'talking-thru-the-baby' thing. My ILs try to pull that but I just don't answer at all. They get the message that I want them to talk directly with me.

It's hard. It's best if the limit-setting comes from your dh, by far. It's also much more effective that way. He speaks their "language", and knows them, and they love him and don't want to hurt their relationship with him too much. If you do it then you're the bad guy. However - if he won't do it, sometimes you have to do it if you want limits set with them. Very hard, though. I feel for you.

[sadie_sabot]

Gaahhh! In-Laws!!!