my today.hey ladies. i just woke up after passing out putting the kids down earlier. i need to write to you/to me.
my dh hurt his back today at work, no actual "accident", but he called me to come get him from work and i was very scared since the last time he called me was when i was pg with ruby and then he was home for almost 2 years. i guess it was more like a year and half but he felt very broken more than that, until he got this job. my friend five minutes away happens to be home this week so thankfully took the kids over there. i wanted to be able to really pay attention to what was going on with him and i've learned my lesson from before abt towing my kids along, tho i'm not sure i would have asked anyone else.
we didn't go to any docs cos he didn't feel there was much they could do. we'll see how tomorrow is and fortunately he traded to be off work tomorrow. he is hurting alot but of course doesn't want to succumb to doom so he is going back and forth on saying he is okay and not. i knew it was worse than he was letting on cos he was cold wearing alot of clothes for him and it was a warmish day, and yes, he has been fighting a cold lately, so we need to watch that. i'm not sure if it is exactly the same problem with L4 and L5, but it seems to be related and is tending towards his right side. when he stretched it looked like the sciatic but when i poked around it didn't seem that way at all. i get perplexed cos he seems very sure of his body but i know from experience that he is kind of the opposite of a self-aware kind of person i am so it is hard to gauge what it the problem and what can be done or what should be done. he said when he called me it was shooting pain but it had subsided a little, it doesn't seem to be electric anymore, but just pain.
he didn't want to leave his scooter overnight so we went and got it this evening and he managed to ride it okay for the the seven minutes. he was going pretty durn fast so that's another clue he hurts more than he is letting on. he's sound asleep which is good tho i wonder if he dug out those pain pills he hasn't touched since ruby was a baby, or if he is feeling better. i will have to ask him cos i need to know at what level pain he is at. hmmm, that's possibly odd, that i really need to know all this?...... i already commanded him that he can't have any sugar or dairy or fried cos he is just starting to recover from the family xmas meal leaky gut problem and the last thing he needs is to exacerbate that with his lower pain (and that might be part of it too)
i told him he could eat only potatoes bananas and apples. we both know it doesn't have to be so strict, but at least he got the message that i care, LOL.
after i brought him home and he stretched for a long time i waited til he seemed a bit settled i went to the store and got him an electric heating pad and a massage pad, then decided to get the armchair from my mil, cos he wouldn't sit on the couches. these are chairs we have been meaning to get and they are really nice but i didn't know until today that i could make them fit in the explorer, or in my house, but i was determined to suddenly make it happen (and contemplated driving the icon of the daddy chair, see why it is better i have kids to deflect my running thoughts???)
he couldn't really sit in it either this evening, but i feel better having tried and am hopeful he can use the daddy throne soon. it's weird thinking how i debated buying a heating pad a few times a few years back but it was just too expensive for our budget and now i can get one with so much less fuss abt the money tho i did get worried i had overdrafted today. anyway and after i'm not even sure the heating pad works too well. but then he seemed pleased that i had got it for him, so it worth that.
it's been really interesting, revisiting all my feelings, thinking abt the past, observing exactly how exhausted i feel this evening even though this isn't a big deal really, how brusque my manner is when i am feeling scared of things i can't control. i had to make a real conscious effort to be lighter and loving cos i'm used to reacting with a shadow on me and i understood this ONLY from years of my deep regret i did not take care of him better before. but i understand better why now, after wondering how i could be so ignoring and seeming heartless back then, how easily i throw up a wall to protect myself from disintegrating, and back then it was to protect me and the kids. and again pondering exactly how much of a factor money is and how much is it i let it affect me so much or that money is really just that difficult. lately i've noticed that my limits are much lower than i have boasted of myself and this afternoon's sudden crisis feeling makes it really clear.
i happened to get a solicitation in the mail abt getting mortgage insurance for death and disability and it looked really appealing for a moment.
anyway, i'm trying to maintain an emotionally watchful outlook on dh, and lessen my intensity.
xmas day i sent out an email to some friends i was feeling so content and satisfied and happy, more than ever in my life, and today i have a better understanding of truly how far it has been for me to get here. i gained so those lessons so quickly then, because i had to survive, and there were times this past year i was almost nostalgic for the simplicity of crisis mode.
now i know it definitely wasn't that simple, i just have a limited memory of it.
so right now i just feel in awe of how life continues to be, how it is much harder than i ever imagined, how all the little details add up because i cna't help but notice them, how things just keep going up and down and jumping in every direction, and how i am still clinging on okay, cos i know now that it doesn't ever just stay still, that things happen and happen, and that it is within the ride of it i need to accept and appreciate.