or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Fertility › Trying To Conceive › Never mind...dh didn't say yes.....
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Never mind...dh didn't say yes.....

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 
We talked again after my lood test came back negative and I asked when he thought we would be ready to start ttcing.

He said that he is completely satisfied with Tracy alone. He likes him and wants only him. If it happens that we have a second..great..but he would rather just stick with the one we have.....

Needless to say, I'm miffed at him. I don't understand why his opinion means more than mine.....I know we aren't ready NOW.....but I am......
post #2 of 18
Just wanted to give you a great big

DH and I discussed/debated/argued about TTC (#1 for us) for well over a year before we actually started trying in January.

It was really hard for both of us. I was ready and he was not. He's reasons for wanting to wait were legit (mainly not feeling job was secure - it was not...he lost it last July) and I think my reasons for being ready were reasonable too (we've been together for 6+ years, we're at a good place in our relationship, my grandparents, who I am VERY close to, are getting quite elderly etc.)

Has your DH told you his reasons for not wanting to actively try for another? (Sorry if you've discussed this in another thread.)

With my DH I really had to validate his feelings of insecurity about his job and his ability to provide for a family so that he could work past those feelings. And at the same time, he helped me to examine what was lacking in my life that made me want a baby RIGHT NOW.

I don't think one person's opinion counts more than the other person's.....but I do think that it's important to come to some sort of agreement - maybe throught he help of counseling - so this doesn't become a dividing issue.

Take care!!

~Erin
post #3 of 18
My dh has aways said someting to that effect (even before we had children) and I have three and may even get to go for a fouth. It would be funt o one day say "Ok lets try for a baby" but it ain't never gonna happen that way. So I have to be content with "well if we have another one we can keep it" It sucks but it oesn't mean there is no hope.
post #4 of 18
I understand you're disappointed, but I think it's very important to do this TOGETHER. I have known so many people whose families have been damaged permanently by one partner deciding to have a baby over the objections of the other, and I don't want to see that happen to you.

Imagine if you were happily living your life believing that you would someday have another baby, and then one day your husband came home and said cheerfully, "Guess what? I had a vasectomy today!" You'd be devastated, right? You'd feel it was very unfair that he'd made a decision that would affect you and your family forever, without your agreeing to it, even though he knew that you wanted something different. Well, it would be the same for you to tell him, "Guess what? I'm pregnant!"

Now, if your pregnancy was REALLY an accident, that would be different--similar to your husband becoming infertile because of chemical exposure in the workplace. He wouldn't be justified in being mad at you for that. But if you PURPOSELY get pregnant when you know he doesn't want you to, he has every right to feel manipulated and betrayed.

It's not that his opinion is more important. His opinion is EQUALLY important. A marriage is supposed to be about two people working together, not one person scheming to get the other person to give her what she wants.

From what you've been telling us in various threads, your husband has not been very assertive. His behavior up until now has made it easy for you to hear what you wanted to hear. I think it would be helpful to talk w/him about that and tell him, for instance, that you expect him to be responsible for buying and using condoms, and that when he doesn't use one you will take it as a sign that he's willing to conceive. You could also offer to involve him in charting so that he's aware of when your fertile times are. Also, make sure you understand correctly that what he's saying is, "If we accidentally conceive again, I am willing to have another child rather than an abortion." not "It's okay if you want another child, just don't tell me when you're trying."

MrBecca used to say he didn't ever want children, back when we were first dating. We discussed it many, many times, and I got really frustrated and despondent, because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but I also wanted to be a mother, and I didn't know how that was going to work out. I prayed about it (and I don't mean, "God, please change his mind!" but "God, please guide me to make the right decisions.") and I waited patiently and tried not to bring it up too often. Eventually he decided he was willing to be a father someday, and then I prayed and waited some more, and finally he decided he was ready to start TTC. It was not easy. BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.

I know it's hard not to get something that you want so much. But try to relax, work on having a loving partnership, and trust God to bring you what you really need.
post #5 of 18
EnviroBecca,

That was very well put. I am having trouble dealing with my feelings regarding dh not wanting anymore children, and your reply was just what I needed to read.

Thank you!
post #6 of 18
My Dh also did not want more kids after DS. We had always talked about having 1 or 2 more but after having the first, he just thought it was too much. I knew I wanted more at some point even though I wanted them spaced about 4 years apart. Last November when I was ready to not get another Depo injection (DS was 2.5) Hubby still wansn't sure about having more, but in the last few months he's gotten so ready that he wants me pregnant NOW even though I'd wanted to wait until the summer.

Having a 1 year old is a lot for some guys, and sometimes it takes time for them to be ready to even think about having more. I hope you two can discuss it more in time and figure out what you are both committed to for your family without any bitterness on either side
post #7 of 18
Just wait a bit. As Tracy outgrows that baby stage your dh might change his mind. It's funny that it wasn't only me who wanted a second. Dh missed those baby things also. Now that his brother just had a baby (which we haven't even seen yet) dh admits that he wouldn't mind a third baby in our house.
post #8 of 18
I totally agree with what EnviroBecca said. Having a baby is a joint effort and both opinions are equally important. We had the opposite situation here. We were married for 6 years before deciding to have dd. I was just not ready but dh was. He did not pressure me at all and just waited very very patiently. As I said, it took 6 years for me to be ready and we got pregnant right away. While thinking about #2, I wasn't ready before dd turned 2, both physically(af returned when dd turned 30 months) and emotionally. I think your dh will probably change his mind when your ds is a bit older. I know its hard, but enjoy your time alone with your little one. Good luck!
post #9 of 18
I understand how painful this is, and how both partners end up feeling that their desires are not important, but perhaps if it can be boiled down to anything, it's making sure any child brought into the world is a wholeheartedly welcomed, expected child. I have never had a planned pregnancy and it has been awful. Of course we love our daughter but my husband wants no more children. If I were certain I wanted no more children, how would I feel if my husband wouldn't "let me" become sterilized? It's very uncomfortable and yet having a child one partner doesn't want is an enormous thing that can destroy the relationship altogether.
I have struggled with this for a long time and I have to warn against holding out hope that dh will eventually change his mind. Unless this is important enough to seek a new relationship over, take him at his word and try to work through your feelings about it. Having my husband give in or become resigned to meeting my desires wouldn't really feel good either. Good luck. I do know firsthand how awful all this can feel.
post #10 of 18
Thread Starter 
I'm asgrrivated by it but I would NEVER get myself pregnant on purpose if I knew he didn't want another.....to me that is a very appauling idea! I couldn't imagine. I would feel so guilty I would have to tell him it was on purpose and he would never trust me....

So, I have accepted his view...but like I said in another thread...we are still young...24 and 23....we still have time...

I was looking at pics at my inlaws today...I'm visiting home while dh is still in VA And I saw pics of him and his sister. You could just see the love in his eyes for her...they basically despise each other now....LONG story....which is why I don't think he is worried about giving ds a sibling. I on the other hand love my sister dearly and couldn't imagine life without her......

I'm planning on giving dh time. I just have this feeling he will cahnge his mind...I'm not sure how I know...but I do....I just have to have patience with it.....
post #11 of 18
Hey, Megan, did your husband say YES? I thought for sure, you'd shout it from the mountain tops if he did. But, did I miss it?

Congrats if so!

Best wishes!
post #12 of 18
Thread Starter 
He told me we would have a second baby. Then like 2 weeks later he said...nah I just want Tracy!

I did shout it from the mountain tops.....maybe it didn't reach your mountain??
post #13 of 18
Megan, I suppose that's not a problem as long as he says he wants another baby during your fertile window!

That's got to be rather frustrating to hear yes, then no, then yes, then no. Do you feel like a yo-yo? My husband was having wavering Yes, No, Yes, No feelings when I first had my IUD taken out. Then, what really made him a fervent TTC was an April Fool's Day prank I played on him. We weren't using anything, but some days he'd tell me that he didn't know if we could handle another baby or maybe we should wait. Then, on April Fools I put Jude in a T-shirt that said "Big Brother" on the front and "Happy April Fools" on the back. My husband was so excited and then remembered it was April Fools. He laughed hard, but then said, "I didn't expect to feel so happy." After that he was totally on board with TTC. I didn't do the prank to convince him one way or the other, but it did have that effect.

My mountain's phone system went down for a couple days and I relied soley on Morse Code. So, that's probably why I didn't get the message!
post #14 of 18
Thread Starter 
My Morse Code is a little rusty.......


The thing is right now...we really aren't using any protection. So, I guess if it happens its his "fault" too! He told me a couple mnths ago that I wanted to get pg so bad that my body would get that sperm anyway possible! So, the last 2 mnths its been a...maybe I am...thing. Unfortunately I think my prolactin levels may be too high. I don't think it for any reason other than ds constantly nurses all night long. Not a lot during the day...maybe 2x but all night!

I've been intending on nightweaning him for the last 2 weeks...so I guess whenever the time is right I will....and then maybe I can get pg! But that is NOT why I'm nightweaning.....don't want anyone to think that!!
post #15 of 18
I think there are a few things to keep in mind.

One, you guys really are young enough that there is lots of time both in fertility and in mind-changing for him.

Two, your ds is still so young - I think lots of guys think one is enough when you are in the midst of the baby thing. It can be hard - less sleep, having to deal with crying, diapers, etc., less sex with your wife due to nursing/being all touched out/tired/etc. A friend of mine was devastated when her dh told her he didn't want anymore - their ds was one. But she was still nursing, they were family bedding, etc. I told her he may change his mind when those things changed. She weaned him, he got his own big boy bed in his own room, and very soon after her dh changed his mind. They are due with baby #2 now! Their son just turned three and that is further apart than she wanted but it is what worked for both of them.

Personally, dh and I made these decisions (about number of babies - at least in general) before we even got married. Having at least one sibling, maybe two, for my kids was crucially important to me and was a dealbreaker for the marriage gig. I was one of three and our parents passed away when we were kids - I am very close to them and wanted to give my kids a chance at that. Dh was an only and agreed to "two, maybe three" as even though he had a happy childhood, he feels he missed out on the sibling thing. Now that we are in the midst of it (have two daughters and expecting baby #3 any day now), he says we can have as many as I want. I know how very lucky I am as many of my friends are in your spot of wanting more but dh doesn't.

For you, I would agree that he will come around (though of course you can't bet the farm on it - farm, chickens, eggs - that just kind of struck me as funny after I typed it....) Anyway, I would just drop it for now and see how he feels in another year or two. He may surprise you with it being his idea then. I sure hope so!
Kirsten
post #16 of 18
Thread Starter 
We don't talk about it.... but today he even said...when we have another... and I jsut looked at him. He knows we will.... he is just being a pain! I love that man
post #17 of 18
Megan,

I have a totally nosy question, so feel free to just ignore me if it's too nosy. I thought you guys were using FAM for birth control right now. Does DH ask you when you're "safe" and then use condoms if you're not? Or have you all just given up on condoms all together?

The reason I ask is because I would think it would be so hard for you to be the one in charge of FAM when you really want another, especially because your fertility signs are still pretty confusing (probably because of breastfeeding).

Anyway, I've just been wondering so I figured I'd ask.
post #18 of 18
Thread Starter 
No..it isn't a nosey question at all!!

We are using FAM and yes if I say it sin't "safe" we either find other ways to entertain ourselves or abstain. Dh has this funny sense of when I O. He can normally tell a day before! Not to mention that I get incredibly horney..more than normal

We talked about using FAM and how it is still possible that I will get pg...thats how we got pg with Tracy. Benjamin knows it and he's fine with it. It worth condomless sex to take that chance. For some reason I think his problem is ttc. When we got married and decided no kids we also said that if it happened I guess God had other plans. obviously he did at least once! If just happen to get pg...he's fine. When I got pg with Sweetpea in oct/Nov...he was so excited and I think the m/c scared him. If it wouldn't had been for the m/c I'm sure he would feel different about ttc.

Does that make any sense?

Sometimes I do worry about if I do get pg that he'll think I did it on purpose. But he knows I would never do that. We talked about it last night and he said, "I know we have differing points of view. And since we both feel strongly about it there really is no point in beating a dead horse. So at this point we agree to disagree. We will see where life takes us and if that includes another child then who am I to stop it"

IMHO... I think he is more undecided than he thinks he is.

I hope that answered your question!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Trying To Conceive
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Fertility › Trying To Conceive › Never mind...dh didn't say yes.....