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If you buy for one buy for ALL ugh!

post #1 of 53
Thread Starter 
So being the beautiful blended family we are holidays get frustrating

My Lovely MIL (that was me being snarky)

is coming for Christmas ...

my dd and my dh's son are my MIL's true blood grandkids. I have 2 other boys from my first marriage.

So Last year I wigged out royally because MIL sent a HUGE box full of gifts...

9 gifts where all wrapped for Christian (dss) and 1 small present for dd (1 at the time)

my sons 8 and 6 at the time got nada... nothing not one gift from her.

I didn't tell them and sent all the presents back to MIL with a note that says that I am sure she forgot to pack gifts for my boys and I would love for her to add them to the package so we could all open them together.

She sent them BACK again. with no changes made so all the gifts got donated to toys for tots.

I sent out a huge email to all my family (but it was just really intended for her) saying that we are a blended family and none of the kids are less of a part of this. I explained that my kids had worked hard on her gift and they ARE her grandkids. I really thought she understood this. I didn't say you MUST get them a gift. I just said that If she did not buy one gift for all the kids and keep it at an even number of gifts for everyone then please just send one holiday card with your name in it. We don't want gifts unless everyone gets one... (the kids that is)

Did I get through to her? Nope... I just got a christmas card in the mail addressed to my dd and dss with a target gift card in it for 200.00

So it went back in the mail... and if she sends it back again some FIN is going to get it because I have had it up to my ears with this women not including my kids in things... they are 9 (almost 10) and 7.... they know whats going on here. she doesn't send them a birthday card and she never forgets the other kids. She is there only other grandparent besides my mom like it or not. And my mom includes everyone... she just sends a card with everyones name on it. I wish she would just stop it and make things happier for everyone here...

MIL is getting coal if she sends that GC back... without changing the card and names on it.
post #2 of 53
That's awful to you.

How can people be so pointedly MEAN?

-Angela
post #3 of 53
Talk about toxic! I am so sorry you have to deal with this.
post #4 of 53
That's just heartbreaking that she can be cruel to CHILDREN! I'd cut her off completely if she wont stop behaviour like this.
post #5 of 53
I'm sorry she is being such a ua violation! i would have just spent the gift card equally amoungst all the children and then sent her a lovely email or letter explaining what each child got.
post #6 of 53
:
post #7 of 53
Thread Starter 
See I almost did that last year... divide the presents up between the boys... But they never even knew that the gift came... and my dh told me not to. He said if I do it this year I will have to do it every year and my point and our family values and respect will never be shown to his mother. The boys are not suffering because I don't let them know this has happened. So I choose to handle it this way because maybe she will get the hint if I keep sending things back... if not she will continue to disrespect my kids in these ways and they will never know because I keep switching things... dh says its better to "punish her for it, rather than keep the bitter feelings I have over it quiet and do the peace keeper thing with her. otherwise it will never end.

Maybe once she really gets it she will understand better that yeah it hurts to have your gifts mailed back but it hurts even worse to not be loved by one of your last remaining grandparents/////kwim? Did that make sense?
post #8 of 53
That's heartbreaking
post #9 of 53
I think your dh should return the gift with a note explaining that his stepchildren are a part of his family, and it's disrespectful to him for her to pointedly ignore the other children after you have already conveyed your parental wishes once.
post #10 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2toomany View Post
I didn't tell them and sent all the presents back to MIL with a note that says that I am sure she forgot to pack gifts for my boys and I would love for her to add them to the package so we could all open them together.

She sent them BACK again. with no changes made so all the gifts got donated to toys for tots.
You are the WOMAN!!! It sucks to have her act like that. How does she interact with your boys when they are around her?
post #11 of 53
That was my Grandmother. She was the only grandmother I knew (my parents got together when I was under 2 years old). The years I got things I always knew it was for "show" not because she cared. My parents tried to hide it but kids are pretty smart.

toxic, evil people like that can't and won't change. I would cut her out of all your lives, none of your children need that.

tara
post #12 of 53
Grr! I know a woman like this. If cutting cake she would cut much bigger pieces for her "real" grandkids than the others.

I would always cut cake into equal size chunks even if I had to get a ruler to help.

This is much worse than cake.
post #13 of 53
I agree with an earlier poster's advice to let your DH handle the relationship with his mother. Strategically, as a stepmother, I wouldn't put myself in a situation where I was preventing a present from reaching my stepchild -- that can too easily be twisted into something its not.
post #14 of 53
I'm glad your husband agrees with you but I also think he should be the one to contact his mother and tell her his stepchildren are his family and she needs to treat them equally.

My brother and his girlfriend have been together more than three years now and my mother doesn't acknowledge her two kids' birthdays. She does get them Christmas presents and they are always nice and appropriate for them but she does it out of obligation because she doesn't want them to feel bad, not because she considers them family. I try to reason with her about the birthdays and I still think that behaviour is crappy.
post #15 of 53
ditto- i would have dh deal with her. that's just so mean!
post #16 of 53
Quote:
I'm sorry she is being such a ua violation! i would have just spent the gift card equally amoungst all the children and then sent her a lovely email or letter explaining what each child got.
I would spend the gift card equally on all the kids -- or a big gift for the family

tehn have each child write a thank you note -- specifically thanksing HER for what THEY got -- your two are old enough to do this really well -- and mail the thanks you notes together. then she will get the point -- the only way any kid gets gift, is if they all do.

dos she know the gifdts last year went to TFT -- if not -- tell her.

---------- I agree --- it sounds liek DH supports you -- HE needs to tell him mom that your kids are his family too.

Aimee
post #17 of 53
Ugh. I am so sorry. I can't imagine what i would do if my parents acted that way towards DDs1&2 (technically my stepdaughters). It was one of my biggest fears though, at least while my mother was on unstable meds...long story.



Will your DH talk to her? Will she care if it's coming from him?
post #18 of 53
Thread Starter 
Oh my dh has told her... He called her and said that the GC was on the way back when she asked why he said

"because you didn't include all of my kids mom, I have 4 kids and I only saw a gift for 2 of them"

and she started crying that he was being unfair... He stayed calm and said

"Mom, you can't make me feel guilty for sticking up for my children. I will call you later if you would like to talk rationally"

my dh is so yummy sometimes
post #19 of 53
Shame on grandma! good for you! perhaps you could purchase psychology books on blended families or self help books with the GC and give them to her.

if you're christian, get her a bible and highlight some scripture for her.

what a sin and what a shame.
post #20 of 53
i don;'t get it

My MIL has one step-grandkid -- my neice. DN has been faimly since she was 3 (and "dating family" since she was not yet 2) she is not 14.....our DS is next yongest....when MIL was here I busted her she said -- to my son "it has been a long time since i had a grandbaby, my last gradnbaby is now 18" I said "B is only 14 grandma" -- slam.

But

I don't get it -- family is family. My son has 2 non'blood grandma's who I'd choose over MIL in a second.

I am soooooooooooo glad that your DH did that -- I am proud of hima nd don't even know him

A
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