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If you buy for one buy for ALL ugh! - Page 2

post #21 of 53
I hear ya. I've got a thread around here about my "mother" doing this. We've gone the cut out route. She just wont learn. I hope your mil does.


There are good people out there - my ex mil refers to herself as "grammy" to my skids. She even took one of them (with my ds, her bio gson) to a movie and pool for the day!


Your dh is yummy from all the vaginalizing you've done.
post #22 of 53
Thread Starter 
LOL i told him you said that and he chuckled.

MIL is very sweet to the boys in person... until something comes up like the cake thing in a PP..

My daughter had a pony cake last year for her first birthday and MIL was here and she asked dss witch peice he wanted first... I said well its dds birthday lets pick out a nice one for her and we can all get a peice we think is the best.

So When it was my oldests turn to pick out a peice he wanted one with a flower but she gave him the HORSES ASS instead... and laughed about it..

I kicked her out that day. And told her she had to tell my son she was sorry... and she did.. and promised it would never happen again... but ugh!

I am really tempted at times to just cut her out of the loop. But the mushy side of me won't let me for my dh's sake. His family is painfully small.. he doesn't have aunts,uncles or cousins or anything there are a total of 8 people in his family including me and our children... so I just want to keep everyone calm... and the not so mushy b*tch part of me loves telling her off...

I just tell myself
"she can't live forever"
post #23 of 53
YOU are awesome. I don't get it. How is it so hard to go shopping and buy toys for kids? What';s more fun than that? Why not just enjoy it? Why isn't she just happy to have a whole BUNCH of grandkids?


Well, a FIN will really enjoy themselves some target this year!
post #24 of 53
Your MIL sucks..but your DH ROCKS!!!!
post #25 of 53
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by hipumpkins View Post
Your MIL sucks..but your DH ROCKS!!!!
post #26 of 53
Unreal. But sadly common in that generation I think. Not all of course! But my MIL (almost 82) thinks that her brother-in-law - who lovingly nursed his wife (MIL's sister) through years of chemo before she died - isn't her family anymore because her sister is dead. Never calls him; doesn't invite him to any holiday meals unless I make her. Makes me nuts.

My parents died when I was a kid. Dh only has his mom (his dad passed away before we had kids). So my kids have one biological grandparent. But my best friend's parents are their chosen grandparents. They are the most amazing people!!! They have two kids together (my best friend is one of them). They have a dd who is biologically his. They have me who is no relation to them - their ds1 brought me home one day, and I never left.

So they have seven grandkids. Three who are biologically his (dd's), three who aren't any blood relation (mine), and one who is fully biologically theirs. You would never know there was any difference from the way they talk about them or treat them. That is how it SHOULD be.... I explained it to my kids that some family you get and some you choose. We chose very, very well.

I am so glad your dh agrees with you. I think your MIL is just a mess. What is her reasoning for being so hateful - when you discuss it with her?
post #27 of 53
I may have issues with my inlaws, but this is one area where I have to give them big kudos.

My husband is the youngest of 12 kids. Yes. 12. Anyhoo, there have been a few who have remarried and had step kids, you know, the whole route. My MIL makes sure those children are treated as she treats her bio grandkids. She even makes lists to make sure she doesn't forget birthdays and has always included them in Christmas, as it should be.

Now, if my MIL, who has over 30 grandkids, greatgrands and stepgrands, can do it, why can't others?

I would absolutely pitch the fit of the century if my mother or MIL acted like that.
post #28 of 53
My grandmother is the sweetest woman in the world. She buys for EVERYONE, yep. even though my mom(her STEP DAUGHTER) has been divorced from my dad for over 20years, she still buys my dad stuff and takes us all out to dinner AND gives us $50 each, including my new hubby who she has only met a few times. She always always includes everyone equally.
post #29 of 53
My parents have been great about my DsD, but that may be because they know what her bio-parents have done to her. I have custody of DsD, although I am no longer with her dad, because he's an abusive alcoholic. My parents have been paying for my laywer so I could fight for custody of DD, and they even changed their will so DD is included. The only thing they've done that excludes her slightly is say that they can't babysit her at different times, but that's also because DD has special needs which include some really crazy behaviors.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this! : The first year DD was here my grandmother tried excluding her, but I told her it wasn't ok. After that she's been great.
post #30 of 53
You and your DH rock!! Sorry to hear MIL is such a stick. Yikes.
post #31 of 53
How terrible. I swear I would beat the woman. my MIL is fantastic to my older boys (she even watched them when I had the baby) but a few of the family on DH's side has been stupid. It got to the point where DH told them either it's all or nothing and nothing includes not seeing ANY of us (dh included) just the threat was enough.
post #32 of 53
Omg, the cake thing! I had to give my mom "jobs" to do whenever she was over for dinners/occasions 'cause when it came time for serving, she'd be right there pushing people out of the way to get the biggest best peice of anything for ds. Didnt matter whos bday or anthing it was, her "baby" had to have the best - also didnt matter if others went without.

Oy. They're only kids, why do some people feel so threatened by them?
post #33 of 53
Thread Starter 
When we talk to her about it she always says things like

"I didn't do it intentionally"

and we say ... umm yes you did and thats why we have a problem with it, you are intentionally leaving out some of our kids"

My aunt went through a favoring phaze with my dd.... my aunt is 45 and never had children or a partner... and when she first saw my dd all these mothering instincts came out of her and she was sooo in love with my dd... the other kids totally picked up on it.. But once I mentioned it she said "omg your right!" and she has been very very careful now to include everyone"

Wish MIL was the same way...
post #34 of 53
Good for you for taking the actions you did!

I'm in a very similar situation. We have a "his, mine and ours" family.
EXCEPT that the one that gets left out is our youngest dd, MIL's blood grandchild.

Infuriates me.
post #35 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2toomany View Post
Oh my dh has told her... He called her and said that the GC was on the way back when she asked why he said

"because you didn't include all of my kids mom, I have 4 kids and I only saw a gift for 2 of them"

and she started crying that he was being unfair... He stayed calm and said

"Mom, you can't make me feel guilty for sticking up for my children. I will call you later if you would like to talk rationally"

my dh is so yummy sometimes

Oh man! What I wouldnt' give if my dh just once, just once, stood up for me/kids to his mother. But he's too much of a manipulated mama's boy.

You're a lucky woman!
post #36 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama2toomany View Post
............ dh says its better to "punish her for it, rather than keep the bitter feelings I have over it quiet and do the peace keeper thing with her. otherwise it will never end.

I'm really glad to hear that your DH is supportive of you in your decision to go against his mother. She sounds like a royal cow.

My mother thinks of my step-kids as a part of her family... not exactly as a grandparent, she is happy with them calling her whatever they are comfortable with (also 10&7) but undeniably an equal part of our family, regardless of how many hours they spend with us. Thank goodness!! And my MIL thinks of my BIL's step-daughter as one of her grandkids too. I'm glad there are some sane people in the world. It's just not right to punish children for things that they have no control over, i.e. the blood-relations in their family!!!
post #37 of 53
I would seriously cut off communication with her.

Your dh needs to steo up to the plate and set her straight!!! Like NOW!!!

Dominick is 7 and is not bio dh's. Dh has been in his life since 13 months. Dh's family treats him NO different then our other 3 children. If they did, we would not see them...period!

EDITTED TO ADD: I did not read the other posts yet....just the OP sp I apologize if there is an update. It just is an issue very close to my heart and I take your MIL actions personally.
post #38 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
Unreal. But sadly common in that generation I think. Not all of course! But my MIL (almost 82) thinks that her brother-in-law - who lovingly nursed his wife (MIL's sister) through years of chemo before she died - isn't her family anymore because her sister is dead. Never calls him; doesn't invite him to any holiday meals unless I make her. Makes me nuts.

My parents died when I was a kid. Dh only has his mom (his dad passed away before we had kids). So my kids have one biological grandparent. But my best friend's parents are their chosen grandparents. They are the most amazing people!!! They have two kids together (my best friend is one of them). They have a dd who is biologically his. They have me who is no relation to them - their ds1 brought me home one day, and I never left.

So they have seven grandkids. Three who are biologically his (dd's), three who aren't any blood relation (mine), and one who is fully biologically theirs. You would never know there was any difference from the way they talk about them or treat them. That is how it SHOULD be.... I explained it to my kids that some family you get and some you choose. We chose very, very well.

I am so glad your dh agrees with you. I think your MIL is just a mess. What is her reasoning for being so hateful - when you discuss it with her?
That is beautiful! :
post #39 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammakerry View Post
My parents have been great about my DsD, but that may be because they know what her bio-parents have done to her. I have custody of DsD, although I am no longer with her dad, because he's an abusive alcoholic. My parents have been paying for my laywer so I could fight for custody of DD, and they even changed their will so DD is included. The only thing they've done that excludes her slightly is say that they can't babysit her at different times, but that's also because DD has special needs which include some really crazy behaviors.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this! : The first year DD was here my grandmother tried excluding her, but I told her it wasn't ok. After that she's been great.
You are my hero! :
post #40 of 53
I am buying myself this book for Christmas: Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina W. Brown (See reviews on Amazon)

Your MIL is horribly narcissistic! In a round-about way she sounds like my own mother, who gave me tons of gifts, yet would allow my step-relatives to ignore me even when it involved annual Christmas parties where I'd have to watch my step-cousins opening gifts from my mother and her (now ex) husband, while I received none from the parents/families of most of them. It never mattered how much money my mother spent on gifts for me, which were always just expensive things she liked and not the one or two simple things I'd requested. The real gift would have been standing up for me as a person who mattered. She never did, and on Christmas Day 2001 (I was 35) I finally realized that she would never change, I walked out and have never spoken to her again. I could go on with this, but just don't want to right now...

I think it's great that your DH stands up for you. And, I agree with the other poster who said he should be the one to handle this problem as it could make you look like the one preventing her biological grand-children from getting her gifts. People like that have an amazing way of turning you into the bad guy. And, what you've said about her other behavior (i.e. the cake) is just cruel. And, it's all so disrespectful of all of you, not just the children.

Now, here's a question... DH has two nephews from one brother. They live in Arizona. While he got to know his nephews while living in that area, he now lives all the way across the country. I think he had met his new step-niece and step-nephew once, if that, before this summer when we visited and I met them for the first time. We kind of hardly exist for them, I think. They are all teenagers.

DH has always sent his nephews about $20 each in a card for both their birthdays and Christmas, and continued after our marriage. He sent these to their home with their mother, not the home where the step-niece and step-nephew live. I did say I thought we should sent to the step-children, as well. But, he doesn't want to get anything started. Even though we send Christmas gifts to each family as a whole (i.e. food items) that particular BIL and family do not send anything to us, nor does his ex-wife, nor anything for our birthdays (no cards or phone calls) not even a card for DS's first birthday. (They did send a gift for his birth; although DH's nephews' mother did not, despite the fact that DH has always done for her children.) Should we start something new with everyone by starting to send to the step-niece and step-nephew? By starting something I mean, then it's kind of implied that the BIL and SIL should be sending something to us on birthdays and Christmas, etc. In that regard I'm thinking let's just don't. What do you all think?

Oh, and if we ever did visit at Christmas and celebrate with them we would certainly buy them gifts in the same way we would buy a gift for someone who invited us to their birthday party when otherwise we would not have done so. They are very nice kids. We just have so many family problems already I just kind of agree about not getting involved with any more family members to any extent more than we must. Does that make sense?
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