in-laws and $$$ gifts

[Meerah]

I'm starting to get really annoyed at my mother-in-law. However, it seems like such a stupid thing to get pissed about. I'm looking for some validation, or for someone to slap some sense into me, to get me out of my funk.

My MIL is very, very, very excited about our baby. That sounds great. There can never be too many people that love a child. However, it is starting to get old and the baby isn't even born yet! DH's parents have money and they bought the most expensive items on our registry as shower gifts. My MIL has also been buying baby clothes for months. She has been stopping by with at least one new outfit or toy every few days. I really feel like a newborn does not need all of these "things". I have considered donating, returning, or selling some of the gifts, but that seems wrong. I am afraid to make it an issue because I don't want to come off as ungrateful. So, here are my main gripes...

- I don't like a lot of the things she buys. (I am not planning on dressing my daughter constantly in pink ruffles or things that say princess.)

- I guess I feel like my role is threatened in some way by her gifts. I want to tell her that DH and I are completely capable of providing for our child without my in-laws $$.

Anyone with advice out there?

[5thAttempt]

I think that you are overreacting, I would love someone help me with child-related expenses (my dh and I are making a very good living, but there is no such thing as I do not need extra money).

As for the fact that you do not like the things she buy - just tell her that you are very appreciative but you also buying things by yourself and you are buying the same things as she does (this is not true, but she will not be offended at least) and that you prefer a coordination of some sort, then give her a litst of things you really want. The other option is asking your dh to tell her that you have a different taste and want to buy things yourself.
If you really do not want anything ask her to open a college fund a something like that.

[Mama~Love]

I understand how you feel . I wouldn't want all that stuff around, especially if you aren't going to use it. I would be honest with her, and tell her you & DH want to get your own stuff for baby. I like the college fund idea the PP mentioned.

I wouldn't feel bad about returning or selling the stuff you don't want. She has to respect your tastes and what you & DH want to get/use too. It's only going to get worse once baby is here if you don't tell her how you feel now.

Let us know how it goes!

[BrooklynDoula]

Nott in your ddc but you should keep what you like and sell or donate the rest and get things that are more appropriate. Lots of people have a hard time expressing their excitement and support without spending money (ah, Americans ) and you MIL is likely not trying to say you cannot provide for your dd or anything like that. This may be how she knows to show her love and excitement. I would harness it personally - tell her exactly what you do want and need and hope she gets it!

[Ubelle]

I don't think you are over reacting and I've felt the same threatened feeling.

My situation with my IL's is similar except it hasn't spilled over to the baby yet. I have felt the same way with the clothes they buy me (styles & colors that aren't always me) and with decor for the house. Sometimes I feel like we were luck to have the baby hide it's gender. (Not a big pink & ruffles fan either) At one time we needed the help (no matter what our taste was) but now since we could do it our selves I think I feel the same way as you threatened - especially when they buy for us without giving us the option of choosing what we want.

I have always just kept gifts, but this is to avoid conflict and rifts in the family. We have recently told them no to an expensive bedroom set for the baby that really wasn't us.

I would keep any of the gifts that were on my registry, obviously. But if there are so many outfits that your DD might not even be able to wear them all, I would think there was any harm in donating them either.

Good Luck

[Ahappymel]

I can understand how you'd feel overwhelmed by all that stuff...especially if it's stuff you don't want/need.
Having said that, sometimes people really want to be involved and their way of doing that is giving material things.
Maybe you can let her know that you've got plenty for now....and that baby might need more later...you'll let her know when you need it.

[katie9143]

I am in the opposite position. My fiance's mum has not sent anything nor does she call and ask how I am or anything. They do live far away, but seem to have the means to atleast be able to have purchase a gift or 2 or sent a card or called me....anything. I suppose there is a happy medium to any situation, but atleast you know she cares and I guess that even though there are other ways of showing you care, some people have a hard time and show their feelings of excitement with material posessions.

[firemommaof1]

I think you might be over reacting just a little. It seems like she is very excited and just wants you to know how much she is going to love being a grandma. Maybe she feels like since your not her daughter that she just cant say the words but buys them instead.
You should really feel lucky... our ds doesn't have family that cares around him. I would love to be in your shoes! Take advantage of her generosity and maybe hint to things you would like to get instead (cloth diapers ect... or maybe something for you... massage/pedicure). I'm sure if you hinted to her other things that are still on you list of to-do's she would be very happy to help. Or take her shopping to get the baby things then pick out what you like and explain "oh I love this... its not to girly".
Let me tell you it could be a lot worse... try having no family that is helping or excited... not fun on the other side!

[proudhsmommy]

I don't think you are over reacting that much. My inlaws are very much the same way, over the years I have just embraced it. One thing that comes to mind is that my mil knows how hard it was when she was first starting out with marriage and family and that the money wasn't always there; she likes to buy things for our children so we can put the money we would be spending into other things.

I'd have hubby have a talk with her about being too excessive. Maybe take you clothes shopping instead of just buying it and bringing it over. I don't have that problem b/c mil and I have the same taste in clothes. I am of the belief that if there is tension within families that it should be the person's child who talks with the grandparents, this way you are not the "evil dil". It will save you a lot of crap later on.

I'd keep the things you do not like and if say a friend of yours has a baby who doesn't have much, you can always give it to them. Or you could donate some of it to a woman's shelter or teenage pregnancy center. I wouldn't say anything to mil about it as they are yours to do with when they enter your house.

((hugs)) Denise

[steffanie3]

I would also talk to her if you have a good enough relationship to do that, or have your DH do it. I think that since she is willing to get off a registry she does want to get things you like, not my MIL she wouldn't even look at our registry. Anyway, maybe you could tell her you have a lot of newborn clothes and direct her towards what would be more helpful. If that doesn't work don't feel bad about donating to someone, I would wait until my babe had outgrown that item.

[prettypixels]

With as much as she is buying, she probably won't even notice if you exchange a few things for things you really need. I mean, how can anyone keep track of what a baby wears EVERY single day? I have gotten some odds gifts. My SIL got me a set of baby spoons and bowls... not what on earth does a newborn need with spoons and bowls???? :

I would try not to feel threatened though, hopefully her heart is in the right place and she is just excited. I wish I had anyone in my family that was so excited about our baby coming! My husband and I are going to be excited enough for her, but it *would* be nice to have some little bit more of attention over it.

So there are extremes on both ends here and hopefully you can handle it in a way that won't hurt her feelings, but will preserve your sanity and your space without being completely surrounded by pink, frilly, "I'm a princess" clutter!

[roomformore]

Our families would buy us things we did not want/need/like (how many toys does a kid need?!). We finally came up with a solution that makes everyone happy. They buy a few small gifts and then give money towards activities. The boys take 2 sessions of swim classes a year and my parents pay for one, dh's parents pay for the other. We've also gotten money instead of gifts and used it for soccer and gymnastics classes. These activities are great for kids and grandparents love to watch the kids play sports, or have photos of them at swim class. My sister's daughter isn't old enough for dance class yet, but she's planning on starting her next year and has the grandparents putting money into a "dance class fund". I know you'll just have an infant, but there's mom and baby swim classes, soon you'll be able to do kindermusic, etc. Maybe you could just have them re-direct some of those funds to activities that will have more long-term value for your child?

[savannah smiles]

I'm not in your due date club either but I understand your position. My MIL is very generous with money but, since I tend to be very independent and we are financially comfortable, there is discomfort sometimes when she buys us things. I love, love, love clothes so her buying for the girls has never been a problem however we just bought a new home and she's already decided she will buy us a table to put in the breakfast nook. I'm keeping mum on the fact that I want to buy a crib set for the baby because I know she'll offer to buy that as well and it's something I just want to do myself.
So, my advice would be to either smile and figure out what to do with the clothes later (either exchange or give them away) or try to guide her to get the stuff you really need right now. I think grandmas just have such a blast buying all the cute baby clothes that it's hard to restrain themselves, lol!

[13Sandals]

was a pretty good forewarning for me.. in-laws really thought we owed them - they used their money as a manipulation...poor x-mil - she so desperately did not want to be on the periphery - she wanted to be THE MOM again. and with DS1 - we were broke, I mean we could have really used the help, instead she insisted on buying everything she wanted, even if we were expressly against it. 'what do you guys need' - 'some onsies, would be great - please no overalls, the clasps are really uncomfortable for baby!' then she'd send three pairs of overalls - literally, its sounds like a joke - but i really don't think she could help herself..she had this compulsion to show that she knew best what the baby needed.

take the pp poster's advice - give to charity what you don't like or need. let go of the guilt over it. and um, good luck!