MeganW, thanks for asking.
I gave him an ultimatum yesterday... get help or get out.
He freaked, yelled, etc. "How can you do this to me when I am so down... you can't tell me what to do and when to do it," etc.
Then he calmed down some and we actually had a somewhat productive talk.
I told him that his way of dealing with his anger, blind rage followed by total withdrawl/shut down was unhealthy and freightning and that he needed to learn how to express and deal with his anger in a healthy, constructive way. He agreed but is still resistant to therapy. He told me that his dad was the same way, and that part of the acting out was to make me "think about what I was doing to him". He did say he would get on meds to stabilize his mood. A baby step, I guess. I'm hoping that once he's on meds he will be more amenable to therapy, especially since I am already going ... as of today. He thinks he can work it out on his own at this point. IMHO, well, you haven't done so well at that thus far, now have you?
Last night was much better. He fixed my truck yesterday and He was actually rather light hearted, interacted with DD very appropriately (after he completely ignored her for three days) and was very loving and clingy with me, which he hasn't been in years. Guess I might have shocked him into realizing that he could, in fact lose me.
We seem to have reached what I would characterize as an uncomfortable detente. I am cautiously hopeful at this point, but concerned that it might just be that he's wanting things to blow over and will then revert to his depressive ways once he's back in my good graces, so we'll just have to wait and see. But it was really nice to have the DH that I fell in love with back for a few hours.
How about you MeganW? Hanging in there? You mentioned that your DH's grandmother, who raised him, recently died? That is a major triggering event for a depressive episode, but it also kind of sounds to me like he's been depressed for a long, long time, and that he's self medicating.
Dont let him wear you down. You don't deserve this. My DH has been undermining my self esteem for along time, and now I'm battling to feel good about myself. Sounds like your DH has done the same. Don't let him make you feel worthless and that you don't deserve better... because you DO deserve better.