Well here we go - Page 2

[mama2toomany]

Originally Posted by lilacwildfire

I can understand your frustration with the child support being paid and your budget already being made out and spent. However- as a person who has lived it and went through all of those frustrations and now being in a family who hasn't seen my husbands bio daughters in over 4 years- I have to tell you now- the pain that your DH will go through, the pain his kids will go through, the pain you will go through, AND you own bio children will go through from not knowing their siblings is not worth ANY dollar amount that you could save from only buying them small things or nothing. Those are your husbands children, HIS blood, as much as your own child(ren) are with him. Some of the previous posters have excellent ideas about returning a portion of the gifts already bought so you can purchase gifts for the other children as well. It isn't about the gifts it is about cherishing EVERY SINGLE SECOND that you can get with those kids. EVERY SINGLE ONE!!! Regardless of what you think the ex's motives are- be THANKFUL that you and DH can see those kids and take that small amount of time to get to know them, take photographs, love on them, and BE a positive influence. If their mom truly is such a bad person, those kids will need their daddy someday. Let their memories reflect a happy time when it is spent with you and him and their siblings.

I would give heaven and earth for my DH to have one more minute with his girls. Please- cherish those kids!!!

YEAH THAT... how sad that these children have at least 3 parents mentioned... and they have the potential to have a huge loving family and they are not excepted like the other dd.. I would take back some of her xmas presents and buy for your step kids!

[sehbub]

Can your DH not take his ex to court to modify custody and ensure he sees his children? Were they married and had a divorce agreement? If so, custody should have been established at the time of divorce, and if the ex is not complying with the original document, she should be taken back to court and forced to comply. Period.

And yes, if I was your DH and you were planning to not get my kids anything, I would be livid. Then again, were I you, I'd be pretty pissed at my DH for not fighting to be with his children.

As a stepmom, I can't fathom treating my DSDs differently than I treat my biochildren. Period. I married a man with children, and was lucky enough to be adopted as a second mother to those children. I'm sorry you were not so fortunate as to be able to develop a relationship with your step-children.

I hope you and your family can find a happy medium between completely denying your SCs an equal part in your family, and over-compensating by going overboard on gifts for them.

[BunnyMcFluff]

Yeah, that.

Originally Posted by Jster

Wow. I'm pretty shocked that someone let ANY excuse come in the way of a relationship with his kids. I would move heaven and earth, take on a million extra jobs, and do anything in my power to keep a relationship with my kids.

If your husband has let his children go...he's already shown them how little he values them.

And either not letting them come to Christmas (which it sounds like you'd prefer) or not getting them presents is just horrid.


I had a stepmother like you. She would always buy extremely excessive amounts of presents for her biokid, like the room would be full of junk. And my sister and I would get a little corner of a couple of presents. It HURT. In fact, going home and crying to my mom about it at age four or five is when she had to tell me Santa wasn't real, because I couldn't understand why Santa didn't love me, or what I'd done wrong.

You've missed the point entirely. These are CHILDREN. They have a CHILD'S perspective on the world. Imagine how sad they are to have lost their father already. Imagine how sad they are to see him have a relationship with his new child and not with them (and they be denied a chance to know their sibling). And on top of all of that, you RESENT that your dh has an obligation to support them?

That's just shameful, and it is exactly what gives stepmoms a bad name. It's even more shameful that your h will put up with it. And if he puts up with it, you know what? You could be the next discarded wife one day. And then it will be your child who is resented. Think it can't happen to you? Think he'd fight more to see your child? Think he'd move heaven and earth for your child and not is other children? You're imagining things.


You should change your perspective. Be grateful you get this chance to spend Christmas eve with your step children. Be happy that you get to share such a special moment with them. Instead of thinking of it as a loss, see it as a positive. Show them the love you can have for them. Start to build a relationship. And I would urge your h to go back to court and get visitation, he has a right to it, and there's no legitimate reason not to have it. Don't be a scrooge this holiday season, be the bigger person.

[mamameg]

Have a little heart and make them feel welcome. I certainly don't think you should spend what you spent on your DD, but you should absolutely get them something, and by all means, muster up some smiles for them. They deserve to feel special at Christmas, even if it inconveniences you. Keep in mind, the kids didn't create the situation. But they are caught in the middle of it. A little kindness might go a long way. They aren't kind to you, you say? They are kids. Be the adult and rise above.

[alegna]

They are CHILDREN. It's not their fault that their situation is messed up. Be kind to them and enjoy the time with them. (and buy them some presents)

-Angela

[MeganW]

Originally Posted by lilacwildfire

I can understand your frustration with the child support being paid and your budget already being made out and spent. However- as a person who has lived it and went through all of those frustrations and now being in a family who hasn't seen my husbands bio daughters in over 4 years- I have to tell you now- the pain that your DH will go through, the pain his kids will go through, the pain you will go through, AND you own bio children will go through from not knowing their siblings is not worth ANY dollar amount that you could save from only buying them small things or nothing. Those are your husbands children, HIS blood, as much as your own child(ren) are with him. Some of the previous posters have excellent ideas about returning a portion of the gifts already bought so you can purchase gifts for the other children as well. It isn't about the gifts it is about cherishing EVERY SINGLE SECOND that you can get with those kids. EVERY SINGLE ONE!!! Regardless of what you think the ex's motives are- be THANKFUL that you and DH can see those kids and take that small amount of time to get to know them, take photographs, love on them, and BE a positive influence. If their mom truly is such a bad person, those kids will need their daddy someday. Let their memories reflect a happy time when it is spent with you and him and their siblings.

I would give heaven and earth for my DH to have one more minute with his girls. Please- cherish those kids!!!

I just want to thank you for a reply that made an excellent point without attacking me. I will consider what you've said.

I don't think I'm an evil stepmother. I also want to add that I have half-siblings and divorced parents. I really don't think I missed out on anything by not knowing my sibs or my father. Whenever I see my father and sibs it usually just makes me uncomfortable. They are people I was forced to see on special occasions or when someone thought it was the "right" thing to do.

[MeganW]

Originally Posted by Flor

I just don't get why she gets to decide this? Isn't there a custody order that she's breaking?

In anycase, take the high road. Smile, buy them a gift. Maybe they will appricaite next time they don't like their mom (just kidding -- maybe they will look back in a few years and relize how gracious your are).

She has full custody. We started to fight to change it. A few requests were made of DH to proceed. He refused and walked away. ( Please dont' start in on flaming my dh about this as well I already do it doesn't make me happy and I am ashamed of him. He can't decide what to do about all this and I'm stuck in the middle. I'm sure there are some of you that will say I should not have married him but I did and now it's too late and I have to deal with the consequences)

[TinkerBelle]

If you feel attacked, maybe you should think about why you feel that way.

You spend $500 on your child, and nothing on your husband's children. Now, why he isn't livid about this, I don't know. I sure would be.

You know the right thing to do is to make sure those kids have a decent Christmas present. If you can afford $500 for your child, which IMO, is a heck of a lot of money to spend on one child, then you should be able to afford decent gifts for his kids.

How awful to be the ones cast aside and treated like they are simply a bother.

I just hope, and I mean this sincerely, that your children aren't next to be cast aside.

I hope you can find your heart and be giving to those innocent kids.

[MeganW]

Originally Posted by sehbub

Can your DH not take his ex to court to modify custody and ensure he sees his children? Were they married and had a divorce agreement? If so, custody should have been established at the time of divorce, and if the ex is not complying with the original document, she should be taken back to court and forced to comply. Period.

And yes, if I was your DH and you were planning to not get my kids anything, I would be livid. Then again, were I you, I'd be pretty pissed at my DH for not fighting to be with his children.

As a stepmom, I can't fathom treating my DSDs differently than I treat my biochildren. Period. I married a man with children, and was lucky enough to be adopted as a second mother to those children. I'm sorry you were not so fortunate as to be able to develop a relationship with your step-children.

I hope you and your family can find a happy medium between completely denying your SCs an equal part in your family, and over-compensating by going overboard on gifts for them.

He will not fight for the children. I'm so fed up by that and I feel like whenever he needs to save face he turns to me to fix it. He has known all year that xmas is coming why wait till the middle of Dec to see what I'm going to do for them?
They were never married, DH has not been with her since the youngest was 1 or 2. She has never allowed him more than a weekend here or there. She requested sole custody he signed off on it. we went to court spent over $1500 got through the first hearing she requested a drug test he refused and walked away. He said it was an invasion of his privacy and she wasn't going to make him do it.
I feel like by buying gifts and putting his name on them I'm helping him look like he cares and he's doing his part and I feel like if he really cared and he really wanted to do his part he wouldn't have walked away from the court proceedings. I also told him as much when he was making the choice not to have his "privacy" invaded.

It is not my intention to punish the children or be mean to them. I do want to punish my husband. When does he have to accept responsibility for what he does?
I have thought about not going to this dinner but I dont' want to keep my dd from her grandparents on xmas.

Theoretically dh could bust his butt do whatever he has to do and go buy these kids gifts but he's waiting for ME to do it after he didn't hold up his end of the deal.
Or I guess I could continue doing what has gotten me into this mess and cover for him.

[MeganW]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

If you feel attacked, maybe you should think about why you feel that way.

You spend $500 on your child, and nothing on your husband's children. Now, why he isn't livid about this, I don't know. I sure would be.

You know the right thing to do is to make sure those kids have a decent Christmas present. If you can afford $500 for your child, which IMO, is a heck of a lot of money to spend on one child, then you should be able to afford decent gifts for his kids.

How awful to be the ones cast aside and treated like they are simply a bother.

I just hope, and I mean this sincerely, that your children aren't next to be cast aside.

I hope you can find your heart and be giving to those innocent kids.

I shouldn't have mentioned the $ amount I dont' see why that is important none of the children will know or understand taht

[alegna]

Originally Posted by MeganW

It is not my intention to punish the children or be mean to them. I do want to punish my husband. When does he have to accept responsibility for what he does?

Ah, this makes a lot more sense now. And he does sound like he need to take some responsibility. Does he have something he could sell to help pay for this?

-Angela

[Jster]

Originally Posted by MeganW

I also want to add that I have half-siblings and divorced parents. I really don't think I missed out on anything by not knowing my sibs or my father. Whenever I see my father and sibs it usually just makes me uncomfortable. They are people I was forced to see on special occasions or when someone thought it was the "right" thing to do.

By making sure your stepchildren will feel uncomfortable when they visit you and your family, you are perpetuating a problem, rather than solving it. How would you have REALLY wanted to be treated as a child? Wouldn't you have wanted to be lovingly welcomed? Treated as a long-lost equal? What can you do, in your position as their stepmother, to make sure they feel like Christmas is special with their dad's family?

And about your husband...at first, you blamed it all on the mom that he wasn't getting visitation, and now you blame it all on him. So who's really responsible? If it made such a difference to you, how can you also say that you would have rather not known your dad as a child? Don't you think maybe your feelings are rubbing off on the situation, and if so, is that what you want to happen?

I know it's really difficult to deal with family dynamics. I find it hard to get excited with my daughter about her stepfamily. But she is, and putting all my effort into making it happy and positive means that my dds will enjoy their stepfamily. I'd much rather have that then have them feel alienated when they visit their dad, kwim? So please understand, that while I have oodles of sympathy for the difficulties of the situation, what I find hard to accept is the idea that shoving these poor kids to the side is somehow the best choice. It's just not caring about them, and regardless of whether you know them or not, all kids deserve love.

[MeganW]

He could get a job a couple days a week. Since he convinced me he needed to do that and so I put DD in daycare pt (waiting for a full time opening) and he hasn't done anything. Well sorry he's moved signs for the real estate office. When other work is offered he says it's too much trouble. There is a hustle type thing in the office that takes about 1-2hrs to do that pay's $50 each. it's too much trouble. DD is in daycare Friday and Monday and today they said she can come Thursday as well. The only job I've objected to (which he reapplied for anyway) was at a bar where I found out he was talking to his ex behind my back because he didn't want to argue about it. : So since I knew she'd be around there I said I dont' think you should go back there to work. That is A single bar 40 miles from our house.

[MeganW]

Originally Posted by Jster

By making sure your stepchildren will feel uncomfortable when they visit you and your family, you are perpetuating a problem, rather than solving it. How would you have REALLY wanted to be treated as a child? Wouldn't you have wanted to be lovingly welcomed? Treated as a long-lost equal? What can you do, in your position as their stepmother, to make sure they feel like Christmas is special with their dad's family?

And about your husband...at first, you blamed it all on the mom that he wasn't getting visitation, and now you blame it all on him. So who's really responsible? If it made such a difference to you, how can you also say that you would have rather not known your dad as a child? Don't you think maybe your feelings are rubbing off on the situation, and if so, is that what you want to happen?

I know it's really difficult to deal with family dynamics. I find it hard to get excited with my daughter about her stepfamily. But she is, and putting all my effort into making it happy and positive means that my dds will enjoy their stepfamily. I'd much rather have that then have them feel alienated when they visit their dad, kwim? So please understand, that while I have oodles of sympathy for the difficulties of the situation, what I find hard to accept is the idea that shoving these poor kids to the side is somehow the best choice. It's just not caring about them, and regardless of whether you know them or not, all kids deserve love.

Many people would argue that love doesn't equal $$$

They are not visiting me or my family. They are not allowed. If she had her way I would not be with my husbands family when her children are. They make that clear whenever they see me.
I blame her for requesting the one thing of him that she knows he will not do in order for him to be allowed to see his children. I blame him for not calling her out on it and just doing it and getting it over with.
I was lovingly welcomed by my fathers parents. My father was never there. I really wish my mother didn't make me go there I was still uncomfortable and I still am to this day and I go because now I feel obligated.
What I thought was going on when I met my husband I've learned is not what is really going on as far as the relationship he has with his children. I do think my husband cares about them but I think she's made things so hard that he isn't willing to fight anymore. (he's very passive)

[sunflowers]

It appears you are very resentful of the entire situation. I can't figure out why the story seems to be morphing into though. First, you could afford to buy presents if you put you dd into daycare full time and made your husband go back to working 18 hour days in construction. Then your dd is already in day care part time so husband can work some- but he doesn't want to work. Now you're waiting for a full time position to open at DC so your husband can work. Doesn't sound much like your husband wants to work?

I was in a similar situation with my XH. It was finally too much. I was so full of resentment that he could sit around all day while ds was in day care and I worked 18 hour days to pay our bills. He was lazy- but his excuse was no job was good enough for him. I however, could support our family working 16hour shifts serving food in a diner. It was "good enough" for me but not him? I left and never looked back. Best decision I ever made. I was happier knowing I didn't have to support a grown man who was "too good" to work. And I didn't have to deal with his lying and drug abuse either.

This probably doesn't help your situation much but I would consider forcing your DH to become accountable for his behavior- past and present. We all have to make sacrifices for our children and getting a drug test is not invading his privacy in this case. If I were the mother of his kids I would probably make him take one too. I bet she wouldn't hesitate to submit to one if required to see her kids. As a parent yourself, wouldn't you? Honestly, it sounds like his kids actually being present in his life on a regular basis might "be too much trouble" too.

[MeganW]

I'm not ready to walk away I imagine at this rate one day I very well may. If my dd was in daycare ft dh could work ft. The sorts of things he could do PT right are not good enough. Although it would make enough difference in our financial situation for a little extra money.
I agree with you 100% I dont' think he really wants to work either. Getting up early and going somewhere everyday isn't really on his agenda. He worked in tattoo shops that don't open till Noon and now he can't find a job at one and he just stopped looking. Everything he does find is completely innapropriate. Finding ft work when we only have PT care. He's even called me at work in the past and told me you'll have to take dd to work with you I got a job. No warning aside from me refusing him cash for stupid stuff. Um ok were we going to discuss the fact that no one looked for child care FIRST?
I was prepared to take a drug test as a stepparent in the household the children would be coming to. So yes I was willing to do it for his kids I'd do it for my own in a heartbeat.

[yoyo65]

I might of missed this, but how old are your s'kids?

[MeganW]

9 and 10 g/b

[Jster]

Megan, , sounds like you're in a difficult situation. My ex was a non-working type as well, now he's remarried and expecting a baby with his new wife, he tells me he plans to be a SAHD, but that was too much trouble to do part time while I worked part time with our kids, so I doubt it'll work out. Marrying someone with a past is definitely risky business, and it seems like you've got a lot of frustrations on your plate right now. It doesn't sound like you're very happily married.

The only thing I keep reitereting is just that these kids are just kids, and they didn't ask for any of this, nor make a choice about entering it. So please, please treat them well, even if that includes spending less on your own daughter. It's not just about fairness, it's about love, and how is Christmas about something else than that, really?

[BunnyMcFluff]

It sounds like this is WAY bigger than Christmas presents. I'm sorry that your dh is making his relationship with his kids your responsibility. It's 100% not your responsibility.

I don't think that not doing *anything* is the answer...and for the sake of the kids, I hope that you do manage somehow to show them know that they are part of your family, and that you care for and accept them.

The issue with your husband is BIG, and I think you'd do well to do some work with him in counseling. These kinds of issues can *really* color the way you view your partner, and cause lots of resentment.

Originally Posted by MeganW

He will not fight for the children. I'm so fed up by that and I feel like whenever he needs to save face he turns to me to fix it. He has known all year that xmas is coming why wait till the middle of Dec to see what I'm going to do for them?
They were never married, DH has not been with her since the youngest was 1 or 2. She has never allowed him more than a weekend here or there. She requested sole custody he signed off on it. we went to court spent over $1500 got through the first hearing she requested a drug test he refused and walked away. He said it was an invasion of his privacy and she wasn't going to make him do it.
I feel like by buying gifts and putting his name on them I'm helping him look like he cares and he's doing his part and I feel like if he really cared and he really wanted to do his part he wouldn't have walked away from the court proceedings. I also told him as much when he was making the choice not to have his "privacy" invaded.

It is not my intention to punish the children or be mean to them. I do want to punish my husband. When does he have to accept responsibility for what he does?
I have thought about not going to this dinner but I dont' want to keep my dd from her grandparents on xmas.

Theoretically dh could bust his butt do whatever he has to do and go buy these kids gifts but he's waiting for ME to do it after he didn't hold up his end of the deal.
Or I guess I could continue doing what has gotten me into this mess and cover for him.