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Well here we go - Page 5

post #81 of 117
12/11/06 at 6:26pm
Megan, wow, what a lot to handle. ITA with previous posters that this is a husband issue, not a kid issue. Would he do counseling?

And please don't think of your marriage in terms of the time & money you've invested...you & your kids are worth more than that.

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post #82 of 117
12/11/06 at 6:41pm
Sorry Megan W. from you posts I thought you were paying the cs... however, if he's about to run through his little "nest egg" then it seems reasonable that you may soon be paying it.

As for his hustling jobs just to buy weed, well... I think you've really just hit on it right there. He sees no need to help you in anyway. My DH and I are having problems too... but if he just refused to work and refused to help out around the house, and was addicted to something, I'm not sure that I would be struggling to keep things together with him.

oh, and please, don't punish his older kids when you really want to punish him. I know it can seem pretty underhanded in a way, and I know, since I've been a step mom for six years now, but like some of the other pps said, the kids didn't ask for this, and the fact that they have really poor role models for parents isn't their fault either.

Be strong.
post #83 of 117
12/11/06 at 6:46pm
Thread Starter 
Josie one thing I have always managed to stick to is NOT paying his support for him. I actually think it'd be good for him to go to jail. I will not pay it when he runs through this money. He will punish me by working to make just enough to pay his CS and still not contribute (this is how it was before he started staying home with dd)
post #84 of 117
12/11/06 at 6:49pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoctorGirlfriend View Post
Megan, wow, what a lot to handle. ITA with previous posters that this is a husband issue, not a kid issue. Would he do counseling?

And please don't think of your marriage in terms of the time & money you've invested...you & your kids are worth more than that.
My dd and I are just fine. Since I have no interest is being involved with anyone else dd might as well have her dad around to play with her. He's not "costing" me anything at the moment.
I would need to start my own forum on why I can't fathom walking away. I guess it's just not bad enough yet.
post #85 of 117
12/11/06 at 6:51pm
Wow Megan (my name also by the way), you are in a bad situation and honestly, if at all possible, I would seriously consider leaving. Oddly enough, you may find that you and biomom have more in common than you think. Sounds like you grew up with an addict and divorce and all that, so you muct know how hard it is. You (and your dd and the futire child) deserve better than this.
post #86 of 117
12/11/06 at 6:52pm
Oh, cross-post -- I see you are not interested in leave, so disregard that!

Well, protect yourself.
post #87 of 117
12/11/06 at 6:54pm
Thread Starter 
that's funny both our families think I'm lucky to have a guy that stands by me doesn't beat me or abuse me and takes good care of our dd.
Funny what people that get a peak behinds the scenes think vs people that don't have a clue what is really happening here.
My grandmother would die if I left him she just spent 20k on our wedding.
post #88 of 117
12/11/06 at 7:05pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganW View Post
My dd and I are just fine. Since I have no interest is being involved with anyone else dd might as well have her dad around to play with her. He's not "costing" me anything at the moment.
I would need to start my own forum on why I can't fathom walking away. I guess it's just not bad enough yet.
Look, I didn't mean to be offensive or imply you somehow weren't *fine.* Sorry if it came across that way.
post #89 of 117
12/11/06 at 7:26pm
I'm sorry things are rough for you right now. If you ever need to talk to anyone who's BTDT feel free to come on over to the single parenting forum, a lot of us over there have been in your shoes (including me). I'm not trying to imply that you should become a single mom, we have lots of moms who lurk over there or just come for advice on how to work things out with their DHs.
post #90 of 117
12/11/06 at 7:34pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganW View Post
that's funny both our families think I'm lucky to have a guy that stands by me doesn't beat me or abuse me and takes good care of our dd.
Funny what people that get a peak behinds the scenes think vs people that don't have a clue what is really happening here.
My grandmother would die if I left him she just spent 20k on our wedding.
While I understand your frustration with posts that suggest leaving, and can completely relate to the familial dissapointment after shelling our that much money on a wedding, the first part of your post raised a red flag...

"I'm lucky to have found a guy that stands by me doesn't beat me or abuse me and takes good care of our dd."

There is SO much more to a healthy relationship than not being beaten or abused. That shouldn't be an overwhelming reason to stay. There are plenty of men out there who will not only not beat or abuse their wives/girlfriends/SOs, but will also contribute emotionally, physically, and mentally to a healthy household. Please don't sell yourself short.
post #91 of 117
12/11/06 at 10:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganW View Post
that's funny both our families think I'm lucky to have a guy that stands by me doesn't beat me or abuse me and takes good care of our dd.
Funny what people that get a peak behinds the scenes think vs people that don't have a clue what is really happening here.
My grandmother would die if I left him she just spent 20k on our wedding.
Not beating you makes him a good husband? I'm not suggesting that you leave him, but I certainly think counseling is absolutely necessary. It doesn't have to be any kind of religion based counseling.
post #92 of 117
12/12/06 at 11:27am
Thread Starter 
My point is just that ALL men have their faults and I have mine. I've been in a lot of different relationships with men and women and I think you've got to decide on the qualities that are most important to you and for me a huge financial contribution isn't one of them. My DH contributes as much emotionally as any other man I've ever been in a relationship with.
I seriously doubt he'd go to counseling and I've been in and out since I was 14, and never found any great benifit. They all told me the same thing and it wasn't ever anything I was willing to do. (Run away from my family)
post #93 of 117
12/12/06 at 12:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganW View Post
My DH contributes as much emotionally as any other man I've ever been in a relationship with.
He does now, but look at his track record. He's not contributing very much emotionally to his other children right now....

-Angela
post #94 of 117
12/12/06 at 5:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoctorGirlfriend View Post
Megan, wow, what a lot to handle. ITA with previous posters that this is a husband issue, not a kid issue. Would he do counseling?

And please don't think of your marriage in terms of the time & money you've invested...you & your kids are worth more than that.
So how long have you been married and how many kids/stepkids do you have?
post #95 of 117
12/12/06 at 5:37pm
Thread Starter 
We've been married since June 17th, so almost 6months. We've been together just over 3yrs. We have on child together and o ne on the way. Dh has 2 children from one previous relationship, and another child from another previous relationship.

So 10DSS
9DSD
6DSS

2DD
and baby due June 07
post #96 of 117
12/12/06 at 5:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla View Post
So how long have you been married and how many kids/stepkids do you have?
Me, Sharlla? I've been married 6 years, and we're workintg on TTC. All I had was sympathy for the OP, and encouragement to not think of her marriage in terms of time & money.

Am I misreading the tone here?
post #97 of 117
12/12/06 at 6:19pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by DoctorGirlfriend View Post
Me, Sharlla? I've been married 6 years, and we're workintg on TTC. All I had was sympathy for the OP, and encouragement to not think of her marriage in terms of time & money.

Am I misreading the tone here?
Nope, you just didn't post an intro or have a sig that tells anything so I was just curious. We have had many trolls on here as of late so I am kind of leary of new members.
post #98 of 117
12/12/06 at 6:24pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharlla View Post
Nope, you just didn't post an intro or have a sig that tells anything so I was just curious. We have had many trolls on here as of late so I am kind of leary of new members.
Oh! No, I sure didn't mean to be trollish. Trolly? Whatever. I lurked for a good 4 months before getting an account, so I guess I jumped right in. I know each online community has its own unwritten set of rules, so if I violated those, I apologize.
post #99 of 117
12/12/06 at 7:20pm
wow. what a mess.

tjhe only spark of hope I can offer here is to maybe try and not think of the kids as your step kids or his kids or her kids or anything. Just think of them as a couple of kids who youhave met that are really getting screwed by everyone.

it sounds like it wouldn't kill you financially to get them each a nice little something. maybe even just a gift card. something to let them know that they are a part of the celebration and you are happy to see them - no family mess attatched. Does that make sense.
post #100 of 117
12/13/06 at 12:59pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
wow. what a mess.

tjhe only spark of hope I can offer here is to maybe try and not think of the kids as your step kids or his kids or her kids or anything. Just think of them as a couple of kids who youhave met that are really getting screwed by everyone.

it sounds like it wouldn't kill you financially to get them each a nice little something. maybe even just a gift card. something to let them know that they are a part of the celebration and you are happy to see them - no family mess attatched. Does that make sense.
Yes that makes perfect sense and I don't disagree with you however at this point DH does not want to go to his fathers or see the children (he said this after seeing them alone I didnt' say anything) He also got over a thousand dollars none of which he plans to use to buy gifts or send to the childrens mother.

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