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daughter and her adopted dad aren't close

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
My daughter is 8 and I met my husband when she was 2. We married right before she turned 3. He adopted her when she was 4. I figured they would be close but they are like oil and water sometimes.

The problem is I think it is my fault. I never felt she should call him dad unless she did it herself. We did talk to her about it and how it might be good but it just never caught on. No biggie.

I am a big worrier tho. I have never trusted men very easily, not that any man has hurt me, but I have had friends that were molested as children and I had no clue. It astounded me that it happened to them andthat they never told anyone, so to me anyone is capable of hurting my kids no matter what we think we know about them.

My husband has never crossed the line with my daughter neither has any other man, although I am always sure to make sure she isn't left alone with men, even my brothers, (what is wrong with me?

Anyway, when our son was born one night I slept in a different bed just to get him to sleep and my daughter slept with my husband. The next night when she slept with me I guess I touched her andshe said no, no,no,. I aksed her about it and she said that it bothered her that my husband had just wore undies to bed and she didn't want to be next to him in just his undies. I asked her if he had bothered her or touched her booty or any parts and she said no and seemed very honest.

I have asked her before if anyone has ever bothered her where they werent supposed to and she said a kid at school hit her booty. So, does this sound like something happened or do i have a kid who seems to be able to tell me if something happened. She doesn't act like anything has ever happened adnI couldn't imagine when anything could ever happen, but i just have this fear that it could happen to anyone by anyone. I don't know why I have always been like that and suspicious of almost everyone.
post #2 of 16
as far as the relationship between your DH and your DD, sometimes people just don't mesh well. You really cant blame yourself for that. As a kid I was adopted by my stepdad and we did not get along, not even a little. It was really really bad. Now we are best friends, and I am now daddy's little girl. So it can get better. As far as your daughter is it at all possible that you are passing your fears onto her? That she understand your being uncomfortable with men around her and in turn becomes uncomfortable too? It isn't a healthy stance to take as a child, or an adult. It must be very difficult being suspicious of everyone like that. Can you work on teaching her about her own instincts and how to know if someone is a threat? that may help give you both some peace of mind
post #3 of 16
Thread Starter 
I think you are very right. I do try to fight that fear of something happening, but it is difficult since she is at the age where sleepovers are really popular. Actually she does seem to have pretty good instincts about who she is comfortable around and what she is comfortable with. I guess I need to quit being paranoid that I am going to mess up and let something bad happen to her. Thanks!
post #4 of 16
well , instincts play a big part in keeping her safe so thats great! I know it's hard to not be paranoid, but I am sure it's only because you love her so much.It is a scary world out there and being cautious is good, just be careful not to create anxiety in your dd.your doing fine
post #5 of 16
Thread Starter 
Thanks. Yeah, I guess I find abuse so disturbing that i always wanted to be a parent that was aware and didn't just trust ppl cause they seem to be a certain way. I guess having those friends that were abused bothered me too, cause they were my best friends and how could i not know and why didn't they tell me. We were kids tho, so the situation is completely different.
post #6 of 16
Just to give you a suggestion, the book "Protecting the Gift" has lots of great info about TRULY listening to instincts instead of general fears and how to prevent child abuse and violence. It was really helpful to me in knowing how to trust and how to be alert even when I do trust. Good luck!
post #7 of 16
jster - I couldnt remember the name of the book, my son's therapist recommended it too. thanks
post #8 of 16
Thread Starter 
Thanks guys, I was so worried that you guys would either think I was crazy for worrying or say, gosh there are signs there and you are screwing up.

I really need to read that it sounds like. Again, thanks for really listening and not writing me off as a nut!
post #9 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by momma,mia View Post
Thanks guys, I was so worried that you guys would either think I was crazy for worrying or say, gosh there are signs there and you are screwing up.

I really need to read that it sounds like. Again, thanks for really listening and not writing me off as a nut!
were all a little nuts though really, when you look at it.
post #10 of 16
Thread Starter 
Well, it is nice to know I am in good company at the looney farm then!!

Hey, I noticed we are both expecting a little one in May!
post #11 of 16
momma,mia, I just want to share my story with you, as there are some similarities to your dd's. Maybe this will help.

My mother met my stepdad when I was 2yo and they got married when I was 8. They had a baby together, then, too. My mother never trusted men and she would always ask me if my stepdad did anything to me, talk to me about inappropriate touching, tell me to tell her if anything ever happened with anyone. I listened and all it ever did was erode my trust in my mother and make me uncomfortable around my stepdad.

He treated me the same as all his other kids, but I wasn't allowed to be outside of my room without being fully dressed. That's how much my mother was worried about this. I always felt (and still do) that if she didn't trust him enough to not molest me in some way, she shouldn't have invited him into our lives by marrying him. It was her responsibility to keep me safe, but if she had really taken that responsibility seriously, would she set herself up to fail? That was my thought process as a child. As an adult, I understand it's more complicated than that, but it eroded what little trust I had in my stepfather and it tainted my faith in my mother.

My mother's fears hindered what was an already difficult bond. What I wish she had done was go to counseling to deal with her issues, instead of visiting them upon me. No child deserves to live with someone her own mother is worried about, you know?

Good luck! I hope that book helps you, but I mostly hope you are able to find more trust for the man you have put in your and your child's lives.
post #12 of 16
Thread Starter 
Thanks so much for your insight Lucy. I am truly glad to hear that. I want to share a little with you as well and maybe there will be similarities with what your mother felt.

Honestly, I really am too suspicious of ppl mostly men. I guess that is just one of my biggest fears. We always hear these stories about how women were blindsided by a revelation of molestation. I would honestly behave the same way if any man were in the house including brothers, grandfathers, uncles and some women in my family.

You are right tho. It is the adult's issue and it isn't fair and I truly appreciate hearing what you said. It does sound like your mama so loved you that if anything ever were to go wrong she would have been prepared to keep you safe.
post #13 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by momma,mia View Post
Well, it is nice to know I am in good company at the looney farm then!!

Hey, I noticed we are both expecting a little one in May!
Are you on the may boards? I can't wait to meet this little one. I'm due may 7th , when are you due?
post #14 of 16
I am a paranoid person in general. I am always sure something is wrong!!! From what I can read, you don't have any reason to believe that something has happened to your daughter. Did I miss something? Just that she said "No," when you touched her?

Some people are close and others aren't. Maybe you have passed on a fear, maybe they just don't mesh. I can't tell.

I am not one of those people who believe you can go with your "gut." I have really been wrong just as often as I have been right. I have felt that people were good, when they turned out not to be. I have trusted the wrong people. I have also dismissed people on first impression only to learn later they are great people. I guess I feel that instinct is overrated.

As I understand, most girls who are molested are molested by a mom's boyfriend or stepdad, so I do understand keeping your eyes open, but from what you have posted, there doesn't seem to be an issue.

I know everyone says get counseling, but there seems to be a family dynamic that you aren't happy with. I'd read or find a counselor for the family. You dd and dh aren't close. You don't really trust your dh, your dd might be picking up on that. I'd want us all to feel closer and wouldn't work towards that.
post #15 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by momma,mia View Post
Thanks so much for your insight Lucy. I am truly glad to hear that. I want to share a little with you as well and maybe there will be similarities with what your mother felt.

Honestly, I really am too suspicious of ppl mostly men. I guess that is just one of my biggest fears. We always hear these stories about how women were blindsided by a revelation of molestation. I would honestly behave the same way if any man were in the house including brothers, grandfathers, uncles and some women in my family.

You are right tho. It is the adult's issue and it isn't fair and I truly appreciate hearing what you said. It does sound like your mama so loved you that if anything ever were to go wrong she would have been prepared to keep you safe.
I completely understand.

My point was that my mother allowed her life to be ruled by her fears and that didn't help any of us. I had personality issues with my stepdad, so it wasn't going to be all roses and sunlight. But, her questions just sat at the back of my mind, corrupting my relationships with both of them. And, probably corrupting their relationship with each other.

Good luck! You can get past this! I think it's good to keep your radar up, but it's difficult to get a good radar reading if you're in a constant state of fear, you know?
post #16 of 16
Thread Starter 
Yes, I have always felt you can never trust anyone but yourself. I know that is a gloomy outlook, but i have found it to be true. So, this definitely seeps into my marriage as well.

I have trusted my husband waaaay more than anyone else in my life tho. Then I felt really let down b/c I found him watching porn and he said he had been doing that the whole time we were married. So, again it makes me wonder how well we ever really know someone, but i guess that is true with everyone.

Flor, we sound a little alike, except maybe you should be glad you aren't quite as paranoid as I am. Yeah, you are right that is all that happened, but I just have general fears of that anyway and thot maybe I was going to be a mom that found out something later b/c she wasn't paying enough attention. I think my general lack of trust in most ppl impacts my marriage and taints a lot of my friendships. Some ppl are easier than others and then there are always those ppl that I know I can't trust so I never put too much faith in them therefore don't get let down.

Isn't it crazy, but I am close to graduation to be a school counselor! Don't think all counselors are screwed up tho. We are all human of course and have our own issues and life events. Otherwise I am very normal and stable I assure you!

Kittn, yeah I just started getting on the boards a little. I am due May 17th. My who is 2 1/2 was born the 21st of May. I have never made it full term tho so I am thinking this one might be a couple of weeks early as well. Our due dates are very close!!
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