Sensitive DS Frustrating to Me...

[jkpmomtoboys]

Hi mamas!

I'm hoping someone here can provide me some desperately needed insight or advice...

The sitituation is that I have a wondeful ds, age 6 1/2, who has always been fairly sensitive. I too was sensitive as a child. Also, ds was a 29 week preemie, born traumatically, so to the extent that we could shelter him as a young child, we certainly did. And both of these might be exacerbating the issue...

But dh and I are concerned that his sensitivity might affect his ability to make and keep friends and function in the world...He's certainly working on it, and is much better than he was last year, but still...

As an example, a good friend of his is having his 7th birthday party tomorrow. It is an optional "dress up in a Star Wars costume" party. Ds has a costume. He wants to go to the party. In fact, (and this is probably part of the problem), I already RSVP'd for him, assuming he'd want to go.

But he doesn't want to go b/c it's costumed because he says (a) he only wants to wear a costume during Halloween (he's always been like that) and (b) he doesn't want to be the only one not wearing a costume.

Other kids might blow this off and just go. Mine is freaking out because I say we made a commitment to the party and need to go. Mind you, one could argue I made the commitment.

Part of my problem (and I recognize it's my problem) is that I think this is an important friendship to continue. And I know that this is my issue and not something I should put on ds.

But I just don't know anymore how to help him work through things like this...

In the past, ds had panic attacks, social anxiety, etc... and he's worked through a lot of that. He also has "accidents" at school, which makes him a little more anxious and compounds our concerns about him in general.

I know I'm babbling, but I just don't know what to do to help him.

Any advice, suggestions, btdt, would be helpful...

[Magella]

I can totally imagine my dd feeling the same way as your son. She's the type to only want to wear/do things only at particular times, she's a worrier, has trouble separating. (She's 7.) Last spring she was invited to a party, wanted to go, bought the gift, was very excited...then at the last minute freaked out, crying, didn't want to go, couldn't tell me why. So what I did wasto first take a lot of deep breaths and let go of my anxiety about not getting there in time or missing the party and what will they think and will the child still want to be friends with my dd. Then I helped my dd calm down, and we talked about how she was feeling, how her friend might feel if she didn't go, what will we do with the gift, how can we solve this. The ideas we came up with were to bring her friend the gift but not stay for the party, go to the party, or stay home and not do either. Ultimately, she decided to go but only if I was going to stay. I'm not super happy with how I handled it, if it happened today I'd be talking about her "worry bug" which likes to tell her to worry about things that are safe and that she likes (as opposed to normal, helpful worries that warn us to be careful and take care of ourselves). I'd point out that she says she wants to go but her worry bug is trying to boss her around. I'd probably wonder what she thinks might happen if she's the only one not in costume (and if she can tell me what she thinks will happen, is it true that it is definitely going to happen?) and is it even true that she will be the only one not in costume (we don't know)? I'd work on ways to relax, and specific ways of talking to her worry bug (in the past it's been something like "go away, worry bug" or "stop talking to me, worry bug"). And we'd talk about whether going to the party is important to her, and does she want to try coping with her worries so that she can go and try to have fun, and if so what might help her do that?

Has he had professional assistance with his anxiety before? Is there some method you've helped him use in the past that might help him cope?

You said you think this is an important friendship to continue, but is it really true that if your ds doesn't go to the party that it will negatively impact the friendship? Is there a way to explain his absence that will protect your son from embarrassment and express how your son values the friendship? Is it really that important to honor a committment to attend a birthday party? What would really happen if your son didn't go? Are you concerned your son might learn, from not going, that it's not important to honor committments? Is that true? Are you worried that if he doesn't go, that will reinforce his anxiety? Have you brainstormed this dilemma with your son? (Just tossing out things I'd ask myself-I find this helps me.)

It's tough to parent an anxious child. It isn't easy to know what to do.

[4evermom]

It's possible that he won't be the only one not in costume, since it is optional and not everyone will neccessarily have a costume at their disposal. Does your ds have a Star Wars t-shirt that he could wear instead? Maybe if you told him it was up to him whether to go, he would feel less pressured and more able to say yes. Maybe there are other ways to participate in the theme without wearing a costume if that is his main objection. If he still doesn't want to go, keep in mind that a party isn't the best place to maintain/develop a meaningful relationship. You could invite the birthday boy over later for a playdate and to give him a gift if you and ds wanted.

[irinam]

Another one with anxious child here (6yo)

If he is OK with not going to the party, I would not push it. One missed party is not going to ruin a friendship

For the long term solution the book Freeing your child from anxiety is helping as I am reading it.

mama. It's tough.

[irinam]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

It's possible that he won't be the only one not in costume, since it is optional and not everyone will neccessarily have a costume at their disposal.

That is logical, but the problem with people with anxiety is just that - anxiety is "blocking" the logic

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by irinam

That is logical, but the problem with people with anxiety is just that - anxiety is "blocking" the logic

Personally, I use logic as a tool against anxiety which I understand isn't possible for more severe cases of it, especially for young ones. To be more explicit, I was implying that if mom knew the other guests, calls could be made to find out if everyone is wearing a costume. Being told "Matthew's mom and John's mom said they aren't going to wear costumes" would be more helpful than someone saying "it is likely that you won't be the only one without a costume."

[irinam]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

Personally, I use logic as a tool against anxiety which I understand isn't possible for more severe cases of it, especially for young ones. To be more explicit, I was implying that if mom knew the other guests, calls could be made to find out if everyone is wearing a costume. Being told "Matthew's mom and John's mom said they aren't going to wear costumes" would be more helpful than someone saying "it is likely that you won't be the only one without a costume."

Yeah, I see how this might work!

[formerluddite]

i'm living this life too: sensitive/anxious mama of sensitive/anxious child.

: : to all the responses.

i totally agree with the previous suggestions, especially the idea of letting go of your own investment in whether or not he attends (hard to do...), and focusing on what he hopes to gain from attending (fun, being a part of an event, goody bag---sadly, it's a big motivator,), vs. what will be hard about attending (crowd, noise, not much "bonding" as kids participate in the events/games).

from my experience:

#1. birthday parties are usually a mob scene, 10-30 kids plus some parental escorts. the hosts/honoree can barely register individual attendees. they are not conducive to friendship building.

#2. usually 20% of "confirmed" guests bail at the last moment due to illness or sibling's illness. they are not missed too much because of #1.

#3 honoree is happy to receive a gift a week/month later at a visit, and often has kept a goody bag aside.

[jkpmomtoboys]

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughtful replies and suggestions. I am thinking about the fact that I need to let go of my own agenda and just focus on ds. Easier said than done, sometimes, when the agenda is subconscious.

We have involved the ped. in his anxiety/panic before as his preschool teacher said it was the worst she had ever seen when he was 3. He got better but now I wonder if we might involve some professional help to give him the tools he could use to work through the anxiety.

I don't want to change my child. I just don't want him to feel or be held back in life because of anxiety. I lived my whole life like that and it breaks my heart that he might do the same...

MDC rocks....thanks you guys.

[mata]

Originally Posted by jkpmomtoboys

Thank you everyone for all of your thoughtful replies and suggestions. I am thinking about the fact that I need to let go of my own agenda and just focus on ds. Easier said than done, sometimes, when the agenda is subconscious.

We have involved the ped. in his anxiety/panic before as his preschool teacher said it was the worst she had ever seen when he was 3. He got better but now I wonder if we might involve some professional help to give him the tools he could use to work through the anxiety.

I don't want to change my child. I just don't want him to feel or be held back in life because of anxiety. I lived my whole life like that and it breaks my heart that he might do the same...

MDC rocks....thanks you guys.

good luck, jen-you sound like a wonderful mama. The book irinam recommended is so helpful.

[Roar]

I agree with the suggestions to think about getting help for his anxiety and to read the book Freeing Your Child From Anxiety.

While logic doesn't totally nip anxiety, that doesn't mean it is to be abandoned. For a lot of people gathering more information really helps calm anxiety. Knowing more can mean worrying less. It probably won't work as an exclusive strategy but it is one to keep around and to employ along with other approaches like relaxation strategies. It can be easy as a parent of an anxious kid to pick up their avoidance and join with it. You start crossing the street to avoid the person walking the dog, etc. Before you know it the kid is afraid of more because they've gotten the message from you that this stuff really is dangerous. Obviously it is a fine line - you don't want to be saying that's illogical stop worrying about it or buck it up pet the dog, but you don't want to reinforce anxiety either.

For the orginal poster, my approach would be to acknowledge his feelings of tension about the party and to help him find solutions. That might include: making a new SW costume so it won't be his official costume, wearing something that is a little bit SW but not too much like maybe just a shirt or a light saber, bringing along his costume and deciding to wear it or not as the situation calls for - that keeps his options open. etc. The key is to help talk him through while being really calm and reassuring making it clear that it is a problem that has a solution and you will help him find it.

[flyingspaghettimama]

I think that this sounds like a very normal issue, at least in our house - at this age, they're so worried about what peers think vs. what they want to do independently of peers. There is probably a lot going on beneath just this issue about free choice vs. following the pack, and peer acceptance. I know my own was totally worried about me going to a costume party not in costume, as she was worried I'd be weirdo. Ha, too bad. Already am. And many children get worried about having the "right" costume, or kids laughing at their costume. You might ask him if he's afraid if the kids will laugh at him.

I would not try to solve the problem for him, but ask questions, and get maybe a "brainstorm" map of different solutions that might be possible. Just like writing brainstorms - he can't rule anything out, but write down as many possible solutions as he can think of, even ridiculous ones. Dress up as Han Solo disguised as a seven-year old boy? Wear the halloween costume backwards? Bring the costume along and change if he feels like he wants to wear it? Pretend it's Halloween? I don't know.

But I do think that if he goes in regular clothes, and then sees all the kids in their costumes, having fun in character, he will want to join in. But, if he doesn't want to go at all, it's easy enough to get out of it. I would leave it up to him, but gently encourage overcoming the fear through whatever mechanism he needs.