Read Total Money Makeover, ready to talk to DH

[emdeecee_sierra]

but he is already digging in his heels. This has been a problem for all the years we've been together. I have always been gazelle-intense, but he's never been on board. He thinks credit is good and necessary. I told him today that tomorrow we are going to have a talk about money; he is sooooo defensive. In the book there is a "Dave Rants" that reads: "Stupid things are always going to be done in families unless the wiser member learns to stand up to the forceful one." I wrote that out on my paper with notes on it for talking to DH. I need it as a reminder. I have tried so many times in the past to get us on track, knowing that it would only take a few months of intensity/ dedication to pull us ahead, but our 'talks' never get very far. So, I've been quaking in my boots for a few days, getting up the ovaries to even plan a time to talk to DH and let him know that we need to talk. Finally set it for myself. Hadn't gotten to it yet today, was taking a moment to snuggle with the DC (something I know will be hard to come by at any moment now since DC#4 is due at any moment) and the phone rang. Answered it. It was some credit card company calling for DH. I asked if it was a sales call. Nope. A welcome call. DH has been applying for and getting credit cards. Again. This will be the THIRD time we've come clean, only to have him lead us down again. And this time there will be no escape, there are too many factors, that phone call was a death knoll. So, I hung up shaking. I am so so so mad and upset. But it was a galvanic phone call for me and carrying through with talking to DH. I am so grateful for this forum and for seeing a reference to TTMMO book- I had been burying my head in the sand about our current status and certainly about our future status. Wish me luck that I can have DH see the truth of our situation without much effort and raised voices. I am still dreading tomorrow because I know that this will most likely be a several step process of getting him to come around to even attempting to do anything to remedy our situation. I'll be in tears, he'll be grouchy and uncommunicative- yuck yuck yuck. But I know it has to be done.

[AprilDaisy]

Good thoughts!!! My one suggestion is to show him down on paper what you're spending now in all areas, what you want to change, and the differences. Actually seeing it goes much further than only talking...

I really do hope you get a middle ground somewhere....

[lmonter]

I asked dh for his advice, so here we go.

1) See if you can get your dh to listen to Dave Ramsey on the radio. He gives really good advice to people's individual problems. You can also listen to a little bit for free on his website (I think he does a 3-hour nightly show, puts one or two hours up for free listening).

2) Put all your expenses down on paper. So you both can see it in black and white. Add up what you're spending on finance charges alone - maybe it'll add up to a new TV or to heat the house for the winter, or whatever. Then figure out what "extra" money you'll have if you *don't* have credit cards to pay off. That's money you can use for things like saving for a new (to you) car, to pay off the house early (if you own a house), to save for retirement, to save for college for the kiddos, to pay for life insurance. Etc.

Good luck!

[snuggly mama]

I so understand what you are saying! So, having recently had this conversation with my dh, here's what worked for me. I wrote down everything we owed -- total on each credit card, car loan, student loan, etc. and added it up. It was a big, scary number. I showed it to dh and explained that THAT is the number that keeps me up at night. I added up what we pay each month towards that debt -- another big, scary number. And then I talked about what wonderful, lovely things we could do if we had that much extra money every month. And it finally clicked for him. I think it was seeing the totals down that did it. He "knew" theoretically how much we owed on each individual thing, but it's too easy to say well, we only owe 5K there, so that's not too bad. It's the big number that really is shocking. We also talked a lot about how that debt impacts our life in so many ways, how it limits the choices we can make. I did let him talk, too, because he has ideas of his own that are valid. And because it's a lot better to present it as "I want to team up with you to make our life better" instead of "See, this Ramsey guy says you're doing everything wrong".

While I would probably be a lot more gazelle-intense about it if it were up to me, I do have to respect that dh is not quite ready for that. So we have reached some compromises and agreed to look at our finances each month and see if more changes need to be made.

[chanibell]

Once you start putting the hard numbers on paper whether it be $2000 or $50000 at least you know what youre dealing with. I think once you show him that he will realize just where you are in your finances. Good luck mama.