Birth plans, major disagreement with DH

[QueenOfThePride]

: I'm so sad that we can't decide what to do. My deepest longing is to give birth totally by myself. I keep visualizing myself laboring in our antique claw-foot bathtub, and giving birth squatting against the living room couch, catching my own baby, totally alone in the house. All I've told DH is that I want to have a home birth. I've never implied that I don't want him there, I do want us to do this together. Every time we discuss homebirth, DH gets all , and tells me, "You're going to need an epidural just like last time. You don't remember how bad it was. You HAVE to go to the hospital. You were screaming for the epidural with the first contraction. What if something goes wrong? We need a doctor to be there. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH" It is extremely hurtful, because DH is lying to me. I did not scream for an epidural at the first contraction. The only time I screamed was only once when DS was crowning and it was involuntary. I went into labor naturally, but my contractions stopped at the hospital, so they put me on pitocin. I did not get an epidural until I had been on pitocin for 18 hours, with them cranking up the dose every half hour. (Which was a bunch of #%@& because DS was posterior and stuck behind my pelvis, and without pressure on my cervix, I wasn't dialating, despite the massively horrible contractions.)

Since then, I've found MDC and I've educated myself so much more about birth. I do not want anything to do with the hospital. I would be perfectly happy going UP/UC. As a middle ground with DH, we discussed hiring a midwife, but we can't afford it. We get medicaid, so a hospital birth would be 100% paid for. That is also one of the major reasons DH wants to go to the hospital.

There is one more alternative. Our hospital has one CNM on staff that delivers babies at the hospital. Without even meeting her, I could guess she is a medwife, but medicaid would cover it. If we decide to see her, I would refuse most tests and exams. If I end up laboring at the hospital, I would be a smart (read difficult) patient. I would not sign a general consent for care. I would refuse all monitoring. I would refuse to get on the bed at all. I would pile my sheets and blankets on the floor to give birth. I would refuse to let anyone touch me during the birth. I would catch my own baby. I would refuse to let anyone touch me or the baby for at least an hour after the birth. I would not admit my baby to the hospital, since I would refuse eye ointment, vit K, etc. I'm sure I would need a doula to make sure my wishes were known and respected. Do you think this would work?

I am really upset that we can't come to an agreement about the birth. I've been in a melancholy mood for a few days. I'm not sure why, it might be because of this arguement, DH not supporting my wishes. Maybe it's just my hormones. I don't want to be around people or talk to people. I feel like I can't even fake being happy. I feel a strong compulsion to just be alone. I need to get centered. I feel like I haven't even bonded to this pregnancy. I feel indifferent about it. I know I need time to myself, and it's hard to find with a crazy 2yo hanging on me and whining all day. At least he is starting preschool next week for two days a week.

:

[mesa]

When I went into labor with Noah (my second son), my exDH was the same way. We were in the hospital, I was experiencing my first (non-pitocin-enhanced) contractions, and I was flying high with adrenaline and excitement. I was so excited about the pain!! Literally!! I hadn't had my water artificially broken, I had no IV or pit, and the contractions actually felt good to me! WIth Nicolas (my first), I was induced, and ended up with an epidural 18 hours into labor, like you, so I really had no idea what labor really felt like.

exDH, on the other hand, had no idea that I was handling the labor so well, all he remembered was me crying, puking, and breaking his hand when I was on the pit with Nicolas...and he didn't want a repeat. To be honest, I really think he just wanted to be able to watch TV and go to sleep, not be an actual "coach" or support to me. Maybe that's not fair. Ok, what he really wanted was to avoid seeing the woman he loved in gutwrenching pain and despair...regardless of how I was feeling at the moment, he just knew it was going to change when it was too late, and he pressured me to no end to get that darn epidural.

I said, I don't think I need it. But between exDH and the nurses, I caved. Noah was born 2 hours later.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe, in his own (crude) way, your DH really is worried about you in pain. I can't imagine how scary it must be for our men (or loved ones) to see us in apparent pain (even if we don't think we're in that much pain). They are fixers, and that is one thing they can't fix. It must be a really helpless feeling, you know?

My DP and I are going through the same UC debate. I want one, he's never done this before, and he's willing to defer to my expertise (bless his heart, lol) but he is really nervous. I have gotten him a stack of birth books (that he is actually reading, bless his heart, LOL) and I'm trying my best to teach him about basic female anatomy (he actually thought that pee came out of a girl's vagina, and when I showed him a diagram of the cervix fully dilated, we had another 20 minute discussion on what exactly a "cervix" was, in relation to the vagina, LOL)

Maybe you need to reassure your DH that you are in control of your body, by letting him watch homebirth videos, UC videos...he needs to read and do research...but I know that's easier said than done. Many guys really could think of a dozen other things they'd rather be doing than reading about childbirth.

But I would say (in my inexperienced opinion...other more BTDT mamas may have better advice) that he does need to be on board with this. You really need his confidence and support, not constant worrying and suggestions that you go to the hospital. Some mamas may be able to birth completely alone, but I'm not one of them.

Good luck!! I hope you get the birth you hope for.

[kettunainen]

I don't know if your dh is a reader at all, but here is a study about the safety of homebirth from the British Medical Journal: http://www.bmj.com/cgi/content/full/330/7505/1416?ehom

Thankfully, my wife and our partner are both all good with homebirth. I've had some hideous arguments with my wife on having a UC, though. She's coming around, but I've been working on her since the spring (she's really effing stubborn!). So I understand what it means when your partner isn't on board with your birth plans. It's really heartbreaking and frustrating.

I agree with mesa about research. That's the only language my wife speaks, so that's how I've had to approach her. It also helps that I have a friend who's trained as a midwife, who has worked as a doula, who is a big UC-proponent come over and talk with my wife about everything.

A lot of people's apprehension comes from lack of information and fear. So my plan of attack was to figure out what my wife was afraid of and do the research to show her what the safest way of dealing with each complication is. This helped tremendously.

I wish you lots of luck. It's not an easy road to travel -- being pregnant and not getting the support you need.

*hugs*

[eri_flores]

So sorry for the hard times and I just want to offer support and empathy
for the tough place you are in. I believe you might have a harder time and
more stress than you'd want to place on yourself trying to have the birth you
want in the hospital. Even if you were totally devoted to being that "difficult"
patient and did have a doula who supported you completely, it seems wrong
for you to have to struggle so much to get what you would want.

Are you sure there are no other options for midwife birthing with medicaid?
In NYS, there is a program specifically for pregnant women and I know that
they offer a wider range of coverage than traditional medicaid. Does WI have
anything like that? Is that one CNM the only midwife option where you are?
You might contact an organization like MANA (midwives of n. america, I think?)
to see if they can offer any advice. If you could find someone who would
travel to attend you at home and could be paid for by medicaid, would that be
an acceptable compromise for you and hubby? Seems better than the hospital
option.

Give him reading materials that feature uplifting hippie birth stories, like
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, see if that has any effect. Maybe the
accumulated evidence that it can be done at home, by one's self will sway
him. Hope things start to look up. You might try a book called "Calm Birth"
which is a meditation program to really help you connect to the baby and
the pregnancy and do "energy work" to nourish yourself and the baby. I
checked it out of my local library and I think you can buy it online as well.

Be Well!
Eri

[QueenOfThePride]

Thank you all for the support. DH is more open to the idea of homebirth, and I might actually be able to find a CNM for a homebirth. I think the cost might be covered as long as the midwife is a CNM. DH is not a reader and doesn't want to read anything. He has expressed concern about being responsible if something goes wrong and he doesn't know anything about birth and doesn't want to know. Essentially, he wants me to turn myself over to a professional, because that would make him more comfortable. Is there something that describes the qualifications a midwife needs?

[shell024]

Dp was not very supportive when I first passed the idea of UC to him. It took a lot of reading bits and pieces of birth stories and homebirth studies, etc. This all took several months to warm him up to it.

You said "Since then, I've found MDC and I've educated myself so much more about birth. I do not want anything to do with the hospital. I would be perfectly happy going UP/UC"

I'm sure you've already told him how you feel, right? What does he say when you tell him all your true feelings? Does he just come back to the "what about the pain" factor? Maybe you've already told him that just going to the hospital may have slowed/stalled labor, and that the only reason you ended up with an epidural may have been because 18 hours of pitocin is hell?? :

I agree with a pp, that it sounds like he is just really worried and it may take lots of discussion between the two of you to work through fears, no matter where you end up giving birth.

Lol, then there's always the "oops we didn't make it to the hospital" possibility, dunno how you feel about that though.

Your last alternative you mention sounds like an ok possibility. If you feel you can set yourself up to feel safe, then do it!

[PiePie]

QOTP, It sounds like you and DH have moved a lot closer together. Have you posted on your geographic tribe looking for a midwife who will do homebirth?

[Jster]

Just curious, what part of WI are you in? I had a great midwife in Madison!

[QueenOfThePride]

I live an hour from Madison. I do know some women who have birthed with Madison midwives. So I do know where to keep looking. I haven't updated yet, because DH and I haven't had time to sit down and talk about it yet. I know we have to come up with a list of questions so we can start interviewing midwives.