To get involved or not get inlvolved.... - Page 2

[Pynki]

Sorry I snapped with the other post.. It's just very aggrevaiting to me when i know i love my kids, and i've had people threaten to call CPS on me because our house is messy...

I think if you are truly concerned with your dn health and well being somebody.. (probably your mother) should talk with your brother (he's her son after all) and leave it to him to talk with your sil... Maybe he is in agreement, and just doesn't know what to do...

In our case it was mil lecturing me on the house when her "ds" does very little more than squat to help out.. (Right now he is playing football on PS2, and hasn't helped me in days.. )That really put a deep wedge in our relationship.. I get the lectures, and dh gets nothing and agrees with her.. GRRRRRR!!!! Nothing like fighting an entire side of your family...

Anyway.. That's were i was coming from, so i'm sorry i overreacted a bit.. I don't know that it will help anything, but if you feel it's necessary for anyone to talk to them it probably should NOT be you, but your parents, and then only in a concerned manner, and not in an accusatory way...

For the kids playing together, do call before you go and see if everyone is healthy, or just getting over something.. That way you can not go over to avoid illness if needs be...

Warm Squishy Feelings, and Heart felt Apologies...

Dyan

[wombat]

What a frustrating situation. It's really lucky this little boy has you for an aunt, apmamma. I haven't much else to add that hasn't been mentioned already. But I think something or someone has to nudge your SIL a bit. Since you can't talk to her, I think just you and your mum and whoever else continue to show their disapproval about her parenting practices (i.e. frowning at her inappropriate humor, showing concern about the frequency of illness, offering her help with cleaning...), hopefully SIL will take some of it in. Shaming her into improvement, kwim? Maybe she doesn't know any better - I often found parents who aren't very self aware tend to repeat bad parenting practices they experienced as children. I don't know what the CPS is like in your area but I don't think they'd be much help in this situation. Don't hate me folks but I used to be one of those nasty CPS people (not in USA). If I'd got a call with the information you've given, I wouldn't have thought it was a really serious neglect case (as defined by State laws). But I'd have been concerned about the hygiene matters and sickness enough that I'd have consulted with the kids ped., daycare etc to see if they saw any neglect. Shannoncc is right, ringworm and inpetigo aren't necessarily a sign of neglect. But this doesn't sound like a case where they'd remove a child - that's a drastic last resort which is rarely done. And placement with the extended family is the norm. Maybe a home visit and a referral to local support services is the most they could do. Although sometimes a CPS visit can be enough to scare some parents into action, sometimes not. Good luck dealing with this one, sounds like it's gonna be around for a long time.

[wombat]

BTW CPS aren't interested in messy houses per se. Only if the mess is a symptom of something more serious. Hopefully, if they're good, they look at the WHOLE picture. My house is pretty messy

[Solange]

Thank you Shannon and Dyan for your reposts...I am glad we are all on the same page now and I do no twant to take anything away from your frustrations with your familys either...I am sorry for that too......as I love this place and hate to be misunderstood....

I also want to say that my son himself gets dirty from play outdoors and I do not change his clothes all day long unless he is uncomfortable and slopping wet.
I will, however, put clean clothes on him and bathe him if we are going to a family function, shopping or anywhere that is not home for the day.
This is where sil fails. I am not asking for a miracle but at least a clean face would be nice and washed hair on my nephew when they come to visit or come to family functions.

Wombat thank for all you info on CPS standing that helps a lot and for addressing this issue. You are great!


2much2love
Thanks for your post and the thought of the dog issue....I appreciate where you are coming from....

Overall yes this is a major touchy issue, one my mother alone needs to address, not me, and only with my brother. I have called her and told her that maybe it is not such a good idea for her to proceed but she really feels passionate about my nephew and says she will think this over some more and try to decide what the best thing is to do(to have the discussion or not).

I like wombats thought of just shaming sil to her senses I guess and hoping she will get the hint.....

Thanks all

[mom2mygirls]

You are in a really tough spot. but if I was in your shoes and it was one of my siblings and I knew that my nieces or nephews were living in flith and was not being tookin care of I would call social services. it is not fair that ANY child should live like that. when I read your posts it really hurt me to know that your nephew was being neclected. the main issue is your nephew. if you or your mom dont call social services someone will do it the moment they see your nephews living conditions I know we all have messy houses from time to time we have kids we are not able to keep up most of the time but to have dog poop left on the floor or garbage all over the place and it reeks that is not normal that said I really hope you are able to talk sense into your sister in law can I ask a question is your sister in law flity too far as not taking showers or is it just her son? please keep us in formed.

Christina

[urklemama]

Delurking to give some input -

If you were a mandatory reporter involved with this family you would have to report them to CPS. I'm not saying that means you should, but there are enough issues here that were you this child's teacher or daycare worker in a state with mandatory reporting laws you would be obligated to report neglect.

So, legally, what you're looking at merits an investigation for neglect. Does that make your sil and bil bad parents? The answer to that is in your own heart. My best friend's house is a filthy, smelly, disgusting pit of doom. Her kids are constantly snotty. When they got lice, they kept reinfesting themselves (and me) for months. But she loves her children and she and her dh are really good parents. I wish they weren't such slobs, but it's not really a parenting issue - or maybe I should say it's not anywhere near a compelling enough issue for me to risk my relationship with her, let alone call in social services. My stepsons' mother's house is also a disgusting pit. That's not why she lost custody of them, though - her inability to keep her sons or her house clean is very clearly a reflection of her inability to parent, part of a larger pattern that meant, among other things, that I didn't need to make the agonizing decision to call CPS because her neighbors and the boys' teachers and their daycare workers and their counselor and a couple of random people at the mall went ahead and did it for me.

Sometimes a dirty house is just a dirty house. Sometimes a dirty house is the outward sign of something really, really wrong. Only someone who is present and who feels real love and concern the child involved can determine what is true.

[sadie_sabot]

T (or maybe not...)
Depending on factors such as race, class, and many others, CPS may or may not take children out of a home, for valid reasons or for no damn reason at all, other than someone called them.

If you (in the broad sense, not just the op) ever feel inspired to call CPS, do a little research about what happens to kids when they're removed from a home. where do they go? who are they with? who gurantees their safety, and who decides what is best for the kids?

It is so common that a foster home is a worse situation (although for sure! there are times when it's better).

Sory, I just get extremely upset when people bandy CPS about so casually.