My mother passed away last Saturday.

[*GreenMama*]

She was only 58. It was unexpected and so difficult.

She had quintuple bypass surgery almost two years ago on December 19th, but made it through. We thought the worst was behind us.

This ran in the local paper.

And this.

I don't know how to get through these holidays without her. I don't know how to be a new mom without my mom. I'm afraid of forgetting her. I don't know how to make her a part of my son's life. The thought of living the next 50 years, never seeing her, hearing her voice, asking her opinion, feeling her touch, is killing me. How do I pick up these pieces?

[*GreenMama*]

Letters from my mother.

When my mom was sick in the hospital two years ago she wrote my father, brother, and I letters to read in the event of her death. We kept them and never read them until after her passing. I debated whether or not to post my letter here, but I wanted everyone to get even a small glimpse of what a wonderful person/mother she was.

Its outdated by two years, which in some ways makes this letter even more special.

Joe is my brother. Paul is my husband.





December 15, 2004

Dear Cindy,

My sweet girl, I’m so sorry. At the time when a daughter needs and enjoys her mom the most, I wont be there for you. I wanted to be with you on your wedding day, and for the births of your children, and on their wedding days. We’re going to be cheated of that, and for this I am so sorry. Know that I love you and I have always loved you and would never have left at this time by choice. I may not have won this battle, but I hope I fought the war with a bit of dignity and made you proud of me as you have always made me proud of you.

In my letter to Dad, I told him that I’m not afraid of dying. I had a lot more to do, and a lot I wanted to see… but it wasn’t meant to be, so I told him that he will have to do it for me, and that I was counting on him to do it well. .

You and Joe have to help each other and Dad. Lean on each other. Don’t let Dad close off. He may seem fine, but he won’t be. He still suffers from the loss of his parents. This will be hard on him, and on you and Joe but you guys can get through this.

Lean on Paul. Trust him, he’s a great guy, and don’t take him for granted. Have patience. He’ll learn what you need from him more and more as time goes on because he loves you. Cindy, if I could have placed my order for a guy for you, I couldn’t have ordered any better than Paul. I love him like he was my own son. Tell him that. Knowing that you have someone as fine as him to love you makes my leaving a little easier. I know you will have a happy life with him and your children. It will take a while to get on your feet financially, but you two are going to make it.

I told Dad that I wanted him to get himself in shape; go to the doctors and a nutritionist, lose weight, and take care of his teeth so he can look good walking you down the aisle. Help him with this. Tell him I asked you to bug him. I also said he should find someone to love him. If he does, try not to resent her.

You need to also take care of your health and figure out what if anything is wrong with you and fix it. Get the blood work done, and start feeling better.

Cindy, I wanted you to know how proud I am of you. You have turned into a fantastic person, and you have come through for me time and time again. I can’t tell you how much I love you. You were the baby I wanted and dreamed of when I was a youngster; my little girl, my Cindy. But in all my dreams of a daughter nothing prepared me for profound awe and love I felt the first time I looked at your tiny face. I know the big joke is that you were an awful baby. The truth is, you always had a mind of your own and you knew what it was that you wanted. Once the rest of us figured it out, you were fine; better than fine. You were my gal. And through the years I so loved sharing with you the things I loved. Plays, massage lobster, to name a few, we enjoyed them all and you were a great companion. No one could have asked for a better daughter than you. You have filled my life with joy and my admiration for you is great.


There is so much more I want to say. It’s here in my heart, and the words are difficult. Have patience. Persevere, and always look ahead. And tell your children about me. Entertain them stories about the mom you knew, the things I loved and the life I lead. Live well for me. Enjoy the things we loved for the both of us. I have had a full life, and I don’t regret a thing except not having more time. But because of you, Dad and Joe, it’s been enough for me.

Love, -Mom-


P.S. One of the videotapes in the drawer is called Nan Songs. I recorded it with the help of my friend Annaliese years ago. Among other songs, most of the songs I wrote are on that tape. I’m kind of proud of it. I don’t know if you ever saw it. Make copies for you and Joe.

[*GreenMama*]

I hope it was enough. I hope it made her proud.

Here is what I wrote and read at Mom's memorial service. You can see how much she influenced my writing style. Probably because she helped me write so many good papers.


December 4, 2006

First, I want to thank you all for coming. I’m Cindy, and Nancy was my mother.

Two years ago I was following one of my long-time goals, as a first year drama teacher when my mother fell ill. Things didn’t look good for her, so I took off from work to be with her at the hospital every day. I got to spoil her rotten, and buy her all the things she wanted, and be the rock for her, that she always was for me. In taking so much time from work I effectively ended my teaching career. It was worth it, I don’t regret it, I would do it again in a heartbeat.

These past two years we got to share with my mother have been such a blessing. My mother was able to witness both her children get married, to dance with her son, to see her husband walk her daughter down the aisle. She was able to see her daughter and daughter-in-law pregnant. She was able to see the births our children, and we were able to give her both a granddaughter and a grandson.

The day she died she helped me with my hair and we had a long time to talk, just us girls. We talked about the babies. We talked about Paul and I moving. She knew that the time was coming that we’d need to part ways, and she was as okay with it as a mother can be when she knows she must let her children go. When we were talking about it she looked at me and said, “I just don’t want things to change, you know?” I told her I did know.

We didn’t want things to change either, Mom.

Later that night, about 11:30 I brought Matthew up to play with her. She had a wonderful time as she always did, and Matthew was happy in her arms. I’m so grateful that he got to know her, and that he made her so happy the night she passed.

I really only had 2 dreams in my life, to get married, and to become a mother. I’ve been lucky enough that my mother was able to witness both. If I can be ½ the mother she was to us then I’ll do okay. She was my friend, my confidant, my font of wisdom. She taught me well, and I hope to make her proud. Her grandchildren will know about her. She will be missed.

We love you Mom.

Thank you.

[Vortexing]

oh Cindy, I'm in tears. I'm so sorry. Your mother sounds like a wonderful person, and I'm sure she'd be proud of you. I'm so glad you got to be with her the day she died.

I have no advice for helping you pick up the pieces. I wish I did. Those that I've lost have all been lost mentally long before their bodies went, so I can't imagine how painful it must be to have a lucid person there one day and not the next. Again, I'm so sorry. Save pictures of her, make an album, or whatever you think might help save bits of her for you and for Matthew. Don't worry though, you won't ever forget her, regardless.

[Tracy]

[QUOTECindy, I wanted you to know how proud I am of you. You have turned into a fantastic person, and you have come through for me time and time again. I can’t tell you how much I love you. You were the baby I wanted and dreamed of when I was a youngster; my little girl, my Cindy. But in all my dreams of a daughter nothing prepared me for profound awe and love I felt the first time I looked at your tiny face. I know the big joke is that you were an awful baby. The truth is, you always had a mind of your own and you knew what it was that you wanted. Once the rest of us figured it out, you were fine; better than fine. You were my gal. And through the years I so loved sharing with you the things I loved. Plays, massage lobster, to name a few, we enjoyed them all and you were a great companion. No one could have asked for a better daughter than you. You have filled my life with joy and my admiration for you is great.
] [/QUOTE]


your mother loved you so much. and I know she knew how much you loved her. I get it.

I am so sorry she died. it goes without saying, she was simply too young. too young. Just breathe for the next couple of days...that is all you can do. but do grieve.. don't stiffle it.. let it all out....

my dad died 18 months ago..it was not completely unexpected but the greiving is so important.

hugs...

she knew how much you loved her!

[mamaverdi]

Those letters are so beautiful. You will make it. Sometimes second by second, but you will. Your mom will always be with you.

[rachelle-a-tron]

Im so sorry Mama... sending love & peace to you & yours.

[trinity6232000]

Cindy I am so sorry for your loss of your Mother. As you can see in my sig
I recently lost my Mother as well. Take care of yourself during this time.

Also check out the Mom's Without Mother's Tribe. It's been a godsend to read
the messages and share my feelings there.

All my love

Mom's Without Mother's

[Marylizah]

Cindy, I am so, so sorry for your loss. The letter your mother wrote you is so beautiful, I know it will help you find strength during this very difficult time, and you will be able to turn to it again and again in the future.

What you said about your mother was so moving, too. It brought tears to my eyes.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[ericswifey27]

I am so sorry Cindy.

What a beautiful Mama you have.
Thanks for sharing her letters. There is just so much love in those letters. They made me smile.

[dharmama]

Thinking of you, Cindy!

[Peppamint]

Cindy and for your mom.

[Tellera]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[*andiflipping*]

Cindy I have been thinking of you all week. You have me in tears right now.

[mom2nat&will]

cindy what beautiful words both from your mother and to her! She sounds like an incredible person I'm so sorry for your loss and I am so glad she and matthew met one another!

[unfrozncavegrl]

oh goodness cindy-i'm so sorry.

I am going on my third Christmas without my mom. I can tell you it does get easier. This year I feel like I am celebrating her more then I did in the past. Last night and today I found some ornaments at a local shop that I knew she would have loved. They will go on my tree. When I was making my list of gifts I needed to buy, I put her on it. I think these ornaments were gifts from me to her(I feel like she knows that I got them with her in mind) and from her to me (I can't help but think she was there telling me to get them!)

Good luck Cindy. Feel free to PM me. I didn't know there was a mom's without moms tribe.....maybe I will see you there.

[*GreenMama*]

The silence is deafening.

I'm having such a hard time today. Not sure why today is different from any other day since Mom died. Its just hard.

I'm tired of being this strong person, but it seems like I can't even open up about it to the ones who really know me.

I know I'm lucky to have had such a close relationship with my mom, but it just makes this all the harder.

I miss her every day. Its hard to know that so much of what made this house a home is gone. The silence is deafening. Even if she wasn't 100% well, Mom was such a lovely, vibrant woman. To think she's gone is just crazy.

I want to wake up.

Her ashes came back to us the other day. We don't know what to do with them until the weather gets warmer and we can bring her to the ocean. They're so heavy. My Dad, always the crass person, keeps making this awful joke about how he keeps telling her to go on a diet. I guess its funny if you're him. I just feel numb.

Paul is really trying to be extra caring. I can't say how much I appreciate it. I'm worried I'm throwing it back in his face, even though I'm making a concerted effort not to. I must apologize to him 12 times a day.

I can hear him inside putting the baby to bed and trying to get him to say daddy. Its sweet. He's been talking about having another baby recently. I think he's half-serious. I just can't think of having them so close together.

Matthew is mooing inside. I don't think he know's he's mooing any more than he knew he said DaDa the other day...

Its also hard for me to think about having another baby without mom here. She was going to come stay with me at the end of the next pregnancy and be an advocate for me in the hospital. So many things went awry with Matthew's birth, I just really needed someone to be there. I was even thinking of letting her stay for the birth, something I wouldn't let her do last time.

The holidays are fast approaching. I can't seem to get myself in the spirit. My Dad won't even think or talk about it. I feel like doing nothing would be disrespectful to my mom. She died shopping for gifts.

She made us have Christmas two years ago when she had the surgery. Of course, that was a happier time, because she made it through the surgery in time to be home for Christmas. Now Dad won't even talk about the holidays. I either have to go be merry with the in-laws or depressed home with Dad. Neither option sounds appealing. The holidays of my youth are over. Paul says I need to live the holidays for Matthew.

I think the gifts she ordered have finally stopped coming. Funny. When they were arriving every day it just hurt. Now that they're done or almost done coming it hurts even more. I feel this compelling urge to go buy everything she wanted off of her wishlist, but its just crazy-talk. I can't give them to her.

Sometimes I look at Matthew and feel so sad. Every day he'll forget her more and more, until there's nothing left. I wanted him to have her. She so wanted to be a grandma. And I wanted to see her joy at every new thing he did.

I can't believe I'll never see her again.

Its been a week and a half.

[*andiflipping*]

[Synchro246]

1000s
Your mom sounds wonderful. You will be a wonderful mother having been her daughter.

Originally Posted by CindyCaz

I either have to go be merry with the in-laws or depressed home with Dad. Neither option sounds appealing.

Ok as for this. . .do something else. Go somewhere and appreciate something. I don't know where you live, but maybe you can all go to a special park, or go look at lights together, or something. SOMETHING. This way you can celebrate without feeling like you are forgetting/disrespecting her. Chances are good that the merryment with the in-laws will avoid as much mention of your mom as possible. That would just suck. Your dad and you need to be together, but home, I think no--unless you can corral a few/bunch of your mom's friends into comiing over too and you can all celebrate AND remember your mom. That is probably the best option that I can come up with.



I'm sorry you are going thru this, I really am.

[magpie mamma]

I am so sorry

I know it hurts so much. Someone passed this thought along to me, "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain" I don't know how this can possibly happen but in it I find hope.