How to deal with whining/crying w/out being a bad mom

[JavaBean]

I've been a bad mom to my 3yo. I have no patience when it comes to dealing with his constant crying and whining. It's gotten so bad that I'm no longer able to distinguish between real crying that's a reaction to a physical pain and the annoying crying that's linked to his whining. Sometimes, it's hard to muster any feeling beyond apathy because he cries and whines over the stupidest, smallest little thing all the darn time. Hourly. Like when he can't get his toy turned on even though he's owned the darn thing for months and has been playing with it for months. Or when his fingers get slightly wet from the condensation of his drink. Or when his friends sit too close or lean over some arbitrary demarcation line.

My buttons have been pushed to the limits and I find myself yelling at him to stop whining and crying RIGHTNOW. Nothing I tell him works, no matter how I tell him. I start with me telling him gently but firmly "use your big boy voice" to "I don't understand what you're saying when you whine" to "if you don't stop whining and crying I'm going to throw (the whining-causing item) away." By this time, I've reached my threshold of the crying and I either walk away or lose it. I usually lose it when we're out in public bc I can't very well leave him and walk away, or when we're in the car. I try to ignore it but that nasally, way back in the throat whining noise he makes (he's not even whining words, it's just that %$#@'ing sound) drive me over the edge because he'll do it for 10+ nerve-grating, muscle-twitching minutes. At home I try to walk away but he just follows me and then throws himself on the ground making that noise so I've started sending him to his room.

Today I was getting him ready for the nighttime shower (a shower bc it was a rough day and that's faster than a bath). He of course didn't want to take one (he doesn't want to do anything we want him to do so we've had to say the opposite to get him to do what we want him to do : ). Anyway, I was taking off his shirt and he started crying (he was whining up until then). I snapped and yelled at him to stop crying, I'm tired of your crying, StopCryingRightNow!! Turns out one of the buttons got caught and scraped a line across his cheek and over his eye. I of course felt like crapola and apologized. Then I couldn't help but squeeze in a "if you didn't cry and whine all the time, I'd be able to tell when you're really hurt" line.

ugh.

There has got to be a better way of handling this. How do I get him to stop? He knows I don't like it, he's not getting anything positive out of it and I reward him when he uses his big boy voice.

[oyemicanto]

I couldn't read this without offering some . I noticed you also have a baby in the house. This could be contributing to your stress level and lack of patience. I know when I had a 6 month old I was just exhausted all the time and very impatient with DD.

Three is so hard - I found it much harder than 2 with DD and now with DS it is AWFUL! You are not a bad mom, you are just tired and stressed and fed up with his whining.

I don't have much advise, but I always try to think "What is he getting out of this behavior?" It could be that your DS is getting your attention when he whines (even negative attention is attention to a three year old), and maybe he has gotten stuck in this pattern of behavior and doesn't know how to change it.

I would say try to really make sure you are complementing him when he doesn't whine, in other words, catch him when he is being good and tell him what a big boy he is and what a great job he is doing, and how much your ears like it when he talks nicely. And if you can, when he is really working your nerves, take a deep breath and hug him and tell him you love him and can he use his big boy voice right nowAnd maybe try to do some one on one activities with him when you can so he feels like he is really getting your attention.. Maybe a trip to the park or a museum without your baby (if that's a possibility) or maybe just playing a game and making cookies together.

The only other thing I can say is that it got a million times better with DD just as she was about to turn 4 years old, but three was brutal. She is not a whiny obnoxious annoying creature anymore, so hopefully that will happen for you to. hang in there, you're a great mom trying to do her best to salvage her sanity

I just thought of something else too. My DD has had issues in the past like this. What I realized is that she is VERY sensitive to things that I can't understand. The temperature of the water has to be just right iin the tub, noises that most kids don't notice completely freak her out, clothes have to be the right fabric or it bothers her. And with DS, he cannot handle being in a group of kids AT ALL. It is completely overstimulating to him and he just loses it. So it is hard to do things with groups of kids, we usually just get together with one or two other children. Maybe your son has sensory issues that are bringing this behavior on? Just a thought...

[kittymac]

I don't have a lot to offer, but wanted you to know that I really relate.

I have a DD who is almost 3, and a 6 month old as well, so I am always tired. It really makes it hard to be patient. You are NOT a bad Mom.

CGMom mentioned something about her little one being extra sensitive. I think my 3 yr old has the same problem, and that is at least part of why she whines all the time.

Plus, though she loves her baby sister, I think she is feeling a little left out and lacking in attention sometimes.

I know it's hard, but just try to reward his good behaviour, take a deep breath, come here to vent when you need to, and know that this too shall pass.

[mistymama]

Oh I feel your pain. My son has been whining, but not nearly to that extent. I can only imagine how frustrated you must be .. there is something about that noise that gets right under your skin! I hear that whine and I swear my blood pressure starts to rise!

I snapped once and yelled for him to stop crying/whining and he got so upset the episode lasted 3x as long as they normally do, not to mention I felt like the crappiest Mom on earth. So now I try to joke, for my own sanity. I start making silly faces and say, "Oh no! Whiny-pants is back!" and tickle him, or somehow make him laugh.

Like some of the other posters said, my son has sensory issues and gets overstimulated very easily. So I find that the whining is nearly cut out if I can help him with transitions, and make sure he's not getting too much sensory input.

[2Sweeties1Angel]

I can sympathize. My almost 6 year old DS whines CONSTANTLY. I've snapped and yelled at him for it on more than one occasion : I just hope it'll get easier.

[Liz]

I think you're in a vicious cycle. Whining boy > angry Mom > whining boy > angry Mom.......
And since you're the adult it's up to you to break the cycle, I'm afraid. It will take super human strength - especially since you have baby in the house - but just keep in mind that everything will get easier once you get out of this pattern. Do you think your son is feeling a little neglected with the baby around? If you could spend more time with him and try to head off the whining, make sure he's well rested, well fed, basically make sure he has no valid reason to whine then he should be able to cope with the minor toy annoyances. When you hear that "Moo-oom" (the Two Syllable Mom, as dh calls it) answer right away, don't let it escalate to a whine. And don't get exasperated. If somebody could help you get some more sleep that would help a lot.

I know this sounds impossible but it used to work for me in a about a week, then we got in a good cycle of less kranky Mom > less whiny boy, and eventually fun Mom > fun boy.

Good luck, Liz

[Stayathomemommy]

i live your life with twin 3 yr olds a whiny 6 yr old and a baby!! the more i loose my calm the worse they get, the key i think is to just ignore and ride out the storm. i will try and deal with them and find out what they need but when i get to the point of BOIL i just tell them i'm done till they can tell me what they need without whining. usually a full blown fit developes which i ignore. hopefully this stage wont last for much longer. i dont feel like we have had many happy days lately.

[mom22girls]

I agree that three is a tough age. I love the "Your One Year Old" "Your Two Year Old" series by Louise Bates Ames and Frances Ilg for what to expect at each age. Also, something that I'm REALLY guilty of is expecting the older child to be more independent/do more/behave more maturely (patience, nicer voice, etc.) when you're taking care of the baby, then he sees you doing everything for the baby and might want in on some of that action. When you step back and think, this child has only been on this earth for three years... It helps with perspective (which I constantly seem to be misplacing: ). I agree with other posters about more time together - and maybe some time for yourself. It's not easy, and you're not a bad mama!

-H

[yogamama]

The whining makes me crazy too. I have a 3 year old who whines and a 7 year old who screams. I give the 7 year old a time out in his room if he lets out an all out screaming rant, otherwise I tell him that he needs to figure out a better way to express frustration.

To whiny 3 year old I might say "I don't like to hear that whiny voice. I can't understand you and it hurts my ears. Are you saying .....? Okay, tell me again in a regular voice." That is when I feel nice and calm. Otherwise I say "STOP WHINING - that voice is making me crazy!" Or "Stop asking me - I already said NO". Or "go find something else to do - I can not listen to you any more".

The whining and the fighting are the two kid behaviors that make me feel insane. My kids have good days and bad days, but I know when they are occupied and happy I get less whining and arguing from them.

Hang in there.
Kathleen

[JavaBean]

Thanks everyone! I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. Sometimes it feels like my kid is the only one in the group doing this stuff.

I'm trying to spend as much time as possible with him. It is hard with DD being just 7 months and having sleep issues. It can take me as much as 40 minutes to get her down for a nap only to have her cry within 10 minutes. : Then I have to rock and nurse all over again.

Unfortunately the whining and crying isn't just with me. It's also with Dad when there's both of us around to pay attention to him. The funny thing is I feel like I'm neglecting DD. When she's awake I pretty much plop her on the floor to self play while I role play with DS. The whining has gotten to be such a bad habit now that he gets that whining edge when even just asking for a cup of milk. It's like ingrained in him or something. :

I will take better notice of his time spent to make sure he's occupied and will look harder to see if there's a trigger. Luckily we live in Southern CA where it's still mid-70's so we can run out the whinies at the park.

[Tuesday]

Just wanted to commiserate - I have a whining intense 3.5 year old DS and a 5 month old DS. Our elder DS regularly pushes my buttons with his whinings and crying and intense, emotional breakdowns (not to mention his absolute refusals to be pottytrained and his constipation issues ... sigh...). The thing is, so many times, when DS is NOT using his whining voice , I've complimented him etc. And then he just yells at me, "Go away like your normal voice". His pet phrase is "Go away .... [insert whatever applies or whatever I just said to him]". So, then, when he whines, I ignore or try to just tell him to speak normally and then I can help him. He absolutely refuses and screams and whines at me. I try to walk away from him for my own peace-of-mind and he just follows and follows me and whines and cries.: It's really tedious but I suspect once he's a lot older, I'll forget the whining and remember how cute and innocent he was. I think that's how a lot of this stuff works.: ?

[Momtwice]

Tuesday, about the 3 year old not potty trained, I read about a major study that found that 3ish is the average age. Don't let our bathroom-competitive culture get you down.

[Rio Mama]

Nothing to add. Just wanted to chime in with my whiny 4yo and my angelic 5mo. Their dad is currently being extra patient with them while I have a timeout following the 4yo's 45 minute whine-fest. The thing is, I remember being a little kid and not knowing how to express myself except through whining. It's just tough for everyone. And I'm the grownup.