6 yr old telling brother "you don't have a daddy"

[muckemom]

I have no idea where to post this, but I babysit for a friend of mine whose husband died about 2 years ago.

The oldest boy is 6 (Tyler) and the younger one is 21 months (so he wasn't born when his father passed away)

Tyler is very open about his dad, always saying things like, "My daddy is dead, but he was a much better chef than you" and "Dad is dead, but Connor (my own 15 month old DS) has his own daddy"

But lately he has begun saying to his younger brother, "I have a daddy, but you don't."

Granted, the youngest boy may not understand what is being said, but eventually he will, I am reluctant to bring it up with their mother, because she just breaks down whenever she hears something like that. But it is getting to the point where the way he talks about death and his dad makes me (and the other little girl who I babysit for) uncomfortable (she is 12 but has downs syndrome and needs to be with a babysitter)

Is this a normal part of his grief, I don't want to interferre with whatever the grief process is for him, but something has to be done about this.

OH - one more thing, the younger boy calls every man he sees "Daddy" does anyone have any idea how to deal with that? Or is he just generalizing?

TIA,
Meg

[mom22girls]

Why are you reluctant to bring it up with his mother? He must be doing it with her too. If he's not, then she needs to know. You need to take your cue from her - she's the expert on this.

This must be hard for you to hear, it was hard for me to read. Sounds like maybe it's jelling for him now about his father not being around. On some level, he probably wants his brother to know that he(the older one) had a father at one point - and is trying not to forget him. But that's just me playing armchair psychiatrist...

I would definitely have a discussion with the mom.

This is hard, take care!

-H

[mamaduck]

Meg, how do you respond when he says that? Have you tried asking questions about his rational? It sounds as if he needs help exploring this a little bit. I think I would respond with, "What makes you say that?" Or "Why do you think he doesn't have a Daddy?"

Its okay to finally say, "I see things differently. Your brother has the same Daddy that you do, in heaven," depending on what they believe about that. But its better if you can lead him to that conclusion through his own reasoning, because it gives him a chance to process.

Yes -- tell his mother. Wouldn't you want to know?

And yes -- its normal for the baby to be calling everyone Da-da! I think most babies do this.

[muckemom]

I really should bring it up with their mother, I just feel so bad, she works so hard and all she wants to do is relax with her kids when she gets home... but I know its time to let her know whats going on.

In answer to the above question of what I say when Tyler says this to his brother, I just say, "Honey, you guys BOTH had the same wonderful daddy, he's not here anymore, but he will always be you and Tristan's daddy."

-Meg