Obligation to neighborhood kids who attend private school?

[wildmonkeys]

I am struggling a bit with what my obligation and my kids obligations are to neighbors who attend private school. We moved to this neighborhood from a neighborhood we really liked in the city because we wanted a neighborhood school atmosphere for our kids and most of the kids in our old neighborhood went to private school. DH & I really align ourselves with many public school values (diversity, free education for all, community, etc.)

One of the first people that I met when I moved here had her first son a couple of months before I had my second. She and I are very different parents in many many ways; however we have remained friendly, but distant neighbors over the years. She has decided to send her kids to a private religion-based school and talks about it constantly...the limited exposure to kids with "bad values", the cost of it, the more competitive academic atmosphere, etc. I have just listened and not shared my own views on why we WANT our kids to go to public school. Well, my older son in 1rst grade and I have made friends with many neighbors through the school community. (her oldest and my younger son are 3.5 & 4) We were at a neighborhood party on Friday and there were many families that have kids in the public school there. She called me up Saturday morning upset that she found out I play Bunco with some neighbors (all of whom I met through school) and didn't invite her and also to talk to me about the importance of my kids helping her kids to stay connected socially to the neighborhood .

I have been playing the conversation over in my head for two days now --- do my kids have some sort of obligation to her kids? Or should her family create their own social network at their private school? Plus, she has been very clear that she is concerned about the influence of public school kids on her kids --- why does she want us to introduce them to public school families? Also, I feel a bit nervous about introducing her to friends from the ps school as my friends and having her share any of her negative feelings about public school with them, ykwim? It was just a weird conversation and I still feel like I am not understanding what she wants from us. Any thoughts?

BJ
Barney, Ben & soon to be #3!!!

[Ruthla]

She sounds confused herself.

The bunco thing- probably she was simply feeling left out. I see no harm in inviting her next time.

It's not your responsibility to help her create a social network in the neighborhood- that's her job. However, it sounds like she might be a little shy and might WANT your help in getting to know some of the other neighbors. She also might be re-considering her decisions re: private school- IME talking about it constantly is probably an indication that she's unsure of her decisions and has to keep "selling the idea" to herself.

[maya44]

We also had next door neighbors who attended private school. I think the mom thought that my kids would be her kids "ticket in" to the other kids in th area. After all, we were next door neighbors. I think she figured that my kids would introduce hers to those other kids and that would keep them from being isolated.

That however is not what happened. My girls were very involved with their friends from school and had less and less time for the neigbor kids.

The mom would sometimes call when she saw a friend being dropped off for a playdate, and ask for her child to join. Since I often already had six kids in my house (my three plus a friend for each) I had to decline.

I think my neighbor was very disapointed that the way she had thought things would go in her own mind, did not come to pass. Maybe your neighbor had the "vision" too and know is allowing herself to make unreasonable demands on you to try to make those things come true.

[Katie Bugs Mama]

Originally Posted by wildmonkeys

Plus, she has been very clear that she is concerned about the influence of public school kids on her kids --- why does she want us to introduce them to public school families? Also, I feel a bit nervous about introducing her to friends from the ps school as my friends and having her share any of her negative feelings about public school with them, ykwim? It was just a weird conversation and I still feel like I am not understanding what she wants from us. Any thoughts?

I'd be inclined to say this to her.

[flyingspaghettimama]

I can see it if you all were actually friends - maybe you are in her mind? But other than that, no, I don't think you're under any obligation to invite her, particularly if you think she's going to be the wet blanket and diss public school and their children the whole time. Is there drinking at the bunco? Does she drink alcohol? Were you in charge of the invite list at the neighborhood party?

However, it's obvious that you have a better soul than I, and are feeling pangs of sympathy for the woman. Is there any way to say, "I didn't invite you because it seems that you are very uncomfortable with public school families, and I didn't want to make you more uncomfortable or upset." And then dialogue from there.

I have no idea what to say about the kids. Can you ask her if they're not making friends at school? Do they personally feel excluded? IMO, that's sort of an odd question to ask a neighbor, for help with your child's social life. So I'd think there's more going on there.

Does she invite you to gatherings of her friends? or at her school?

But if you're not real close, I imagine that's a difficult conversation to have.

[Flor]

I think that is weird. It is her responsiblity. Why not invite kids over or go meet some of the parents in her neighborhood? Not your job at all.

[northwoods1995]

Originally Posted by Flor

I think that is weird. It is her responsiblity. Why not invite kids over or go meet some of the parents in her neighborhood? Not your job at all.

I agree with this. I just don't think it is your responsibility at all. I wouldn't worry about it.

[wildmonkeys]

Thanks ladies! I feel better after reading your responses You are all right - I didn't make up the guest list for any of the neighborhood parties. I was just a guest at both the party and the Bunco group (Bunco is a set group of people that meets every month that somebody else started and invited me to attend because you need a certain number of folks to play each time 12 or 16) There is also limited drinking at Bunco, but she is REALLY against any drinking at all. We have never been invited to parties at their house (outside of kid b-day parties which we also invite their kids to at our house) and I have NEVER met anybody from her school. I did invite her to a bookclub I started two years ago and she never came & dh and I have an annual Octoberfest at our house that we do invite her family to attend.

flyingspaghettimama - I think you got to the heart of the issue. I don't really consider her a "friend" so much as a neighbor who I am friendly with...whereas she sees our relationship as more of a friendship and as such has different expectations.

I am just going to continue to be friendly and if it comes up again explain that I am not really comfortable playing matchmaker or inviting somebody to a party that I am not hosting and I hope it doesn't result in any bad feelings because I want to remain friendly with her & her family.

Thanks again!!!
BJ
Barney, Ben & #3 due 3/3/07

[Ellien C]

Originally Posted by flyingspaghettimama

I can see it if you all were actually friends - maybe you are in her mind? But other than that, no, I don't think you're under any obligation to invite her, particularly if you think she's going to be the wet blanket and diss public school and their children the whole time. Is there drinking at the bunco? Does she drink alcohol? Were you in charge of the invite list at the neighborhood party?

However, it's obvious that you have a better soul than I, and are feeling pangs of sympathy for the woman. Is there any way to say, "I didn't invite you because it seems that you are very uncomfortable with public school families, and I didn't want to make you more uncomfortable or upset." And then dialogue from there.

I have no idea what to say about the kids. Can you ask her if they're not making friends at school? Do they personally feel excluded? IMO, that's sort of an odd question to ask a neighbor, for help with your child's social life. So I'd think there's more going on there.

Does she invite you to gatherings of her friends? or at her school?

But if you're not real close, I imagine that's a difficult conversation to have.

What she said! Right down the the part where you have a better soul than either of us!

Not your party, not your problem.

[Mom2fiya]

I agree with what others have said, its not your responsibility/obligation to make she is connected to the rest of the neighborhood. Just because she is sending her child to private school does not mean she can't interact with the rest of the neighbors. We send our dd to private school and we know all our neighbors and their children very well. She has to make the effort to be more involved.

[mommy68]

Well my oldest two DS attend a private school but only because of the bad area of town we live in we don't approve of our public schools, but never would I "down" a particular public school in front of someone who uses them. That's an automatic (rude) no-no. IMO no school is better than another, it's the bad kids that attend the schools and the bad teachers and the bad ones can be anywhere at anytime, even if you pay for your child's schooling.

It sounds like you don't really care much for this woman and you don't have to be friends with someone you don't like. Just ignore her and don't do things with her. If the kids all decide to play together then let them. But you certainly don't have to be friends with this other mom if you simply do not like her.

If she voices problems with meeting other people in the area then suggest that she call them herself or visit with those people in question.

[jillmamma]

I play Bunco as well...maybe you could ask her if she wants to be on the sub list of people to call if one of the regular players can't make it? Or just give her a call one day if you are going outside to play with the kids and see if she wants to join you? We do that a lot in my neighborhood...just hang out in the front yard of someone's house in the afternoons and let the kids play. Works great for the moms to get to know the neighbors and the kids to get to know each other and have someone to play with.

[mommy68]

I forgot to mention that I'm so glad I live in an area where I have no neighbors. I live on a road with no neighbor at all. I'm very glad! I couldn't stand doing neighborhood stuff like that. I'm not antisocial but I prefer to pick friends that I want to have, not just be forced to be around people because they just happen to have bought a house near me. It just seems really weird to me.

[MelMel]

Originally Posted by wildmonkeys

I am struggling a bit with what my obligation and my kids obligations are to neighbors who attend private school. We moved to this neighborhood from a neighborhood we really liked in the city because we wanted a neighborhood school atmosphere for our kids and most of the kids in our old neighborhood went to private school. DH & I really align ourselves with many public school values (diversity, free education for all, community, etc.)

public school values as long as you can move to a different area...lol, out of the city.

anyway, she just feels left out. Tell her the social limitiations are a trade off for her kids superior moral development

good luck, she sounds like a real peach to deal with

[Rhonwyn]

My kids are in private school because that is the only way to get a Waldorf education in our state, but we are great friends with the neighbors. My dd plays with all the neighborhood girls. My ds, not so much because the neighborhood boys are never outside.

You have no obligation to this woman. If she really wants to get to know the neighbors, maybe she should have a backyard barbque or a block party. Maybe you should suggest this to her if she complains to you again about not being invited to neighborhood parties.

[wildmonkeys]

MelMel - To clarify, I didn't say anything negative about the public schools in the city we used to live in, my complaint was that due to the EXTREMELY heavy use of private schools there was no neighborhood school community which is what we are seeking for our kids. Instead, people tended to send their kids to private schools that often had religious affiliations which meant that kids were largely surrounded by kids of the same religion and the public schools tend to be less diverse than in the suburb we moved to.

Thanks everybody! I do feel bad that she feels left out, but I think your comments are dead on and she needs to do something about it rather than pushing her anxiety over her decision in my direction.

BJ
Barney, Ben & soon to be #3!!!