Talking with DH about Frugality

[Belleweather]

How do you keep the lines of communication open with your DH/DP about ways to be more frugal? Especially if he's not always 100% on board?

My husband grew up in a family with some weird issues with money -- the "money = love" meme, and the "if you're broke, you're a bad person and not working hard enough" memes were very strong in their family. Intellectually, I think he gets it -- it seems like we have the same values about reducing the amount of 'stuff' we have in our lives, spending money on experiences rather than things, and living below our means.

But when push comes to shove, he has a harder time putting those ideas into practice than I do. It's hard for him to realise when we have no money and scale back spending appropriately -- he gets scared, and keeps spending at a normal rate until either someone yells at him (which is never fun) or there's a bounced check. It also seems like it's hard for him to control impulse spending, like not stopping for fast food or take out when we have food at home.

For my part, I've been talking 'at' him rather than 'with' him, and I get stuck being the heavy way too often... especially when we're at the end of the semester and we don't have any money and I get scared and yell. It's not good for anyone. Normally, our communication is a lot better than this, but I guess money is a tough issue. I need help on better ways to keep talking about it until we're actually on the same page.

[BurtsGirl]

Does DH agree with you about spending less, living below your means, etc?

Does he agree that his spending is not doing the above?

I think if you can get him to agree he wants the first and admitts he's doing the second you might be able to work out a system to slow his spending down but he has to be with you. I know it's hard and you feel like the bad guy all the time when you have to say no to things he wants. Tell him that. Tell him you only want the best for your family and it's important to you. If he is a goal-orirented person maybe set a goal to accomplish that he gets excited about (something fun you guys do as a family) and remind him of that when he wants to stop for fast food or buy something.

What really helps DP and I control spending is CASH! We take out a set amount of cash for the week and we use that until it's gone. When it's gone, it's gone. Leave CCD and debit cards at home that will help eliminate complusive spending and make him think before he buys. Again he has to be with you on this.

If he not wanting to communicate or isn't willing to slow his spending maybe you could get him interested in investing. Either way you have to talk, communication is definately a two way street and he's got to be willing to talk about it and listen and the same for you.

HTH

[BurtsGirl]

Oh a great book that really made me turn around at how I look at money and communicated with my DP was: "Smart Couples Finish Rich : 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner" by David Bach

It's not a get rich book, it's practical advice for couples and includes some communication exercises for both of you! It focuses less on material "things" and more on you and your partners core values, how you each veiw and handle money, and how to work together to get what you both want out of life. Good read so far! I highly reccommend it. I actually get excited about doing bills these days!

From AMAZON.com
"For people who've been disappointed by the shallowness of some of the "quick tips" self-help books out there, the subtitle of this book is a little misleading. Bach's nine steps are not instant change techniques or chirpy little quips to recite to yourself whenever you go to balance your checkbook. Instead, the first few steps include a series of exercises that will help you determine what you know (and don't know, or understand) about saving and investing, what role money should play in your life (which includes understanding your values), and how to work together toward a common financial goal. From there, Bach teaches his readers how to account for "disappearing" money, how to build retirement, security, and dream baskets of wealth (providing detailed options for all three), and how to avoid the most common financial mistakes most couples make. Though the focus of the book is predominantly on working with your existing income, Bach includes a final chapter entitled "Increase Your Income by 10 Percent in Nine Weeks."

Bach's writing style is engaging and his advice is user-friendly. A successful financial planner, he obviously believes passionately in all the "fringe" benefits of being financially responsible but employs a no-nonsense approach that makes financial smarts available to everyone. So whether you're 25 and just starting out on the earning, saving, and spending road or you plan to retire next year; whether you've recently got hitched for the first time or you've just entered your fourth marriage; and whether financial planning comes first or last on your list of fun things to do, the advice in Smart Couples Finish Rich is worth heeding. It's not about becoming a money-obsessed bore, it's about getting smart... and rich."

[Emmeline II]

Put whatever money he can spend (for gas, toys, snacks) in a separate account with its own debit card. Keep the debit card for your main account and your credit cards in a safe (from your dh) place. This way he can't spend more than what is in his account and you don't have to be "the heavy".

[Belleweather]

Burt'sGirl: thanks! I'll check that out! I've seen that book around, but thought it was more self-helpy than it seems to be, more along the lines of the 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad" books which I just loathe. I'll give it a read when I'm at the bookstore this evening.

I think we might need to work toward a cash-only system. It's hard for ME, which means I really need it as well... but it's hard to work out the numbers since we're commuting students, and so we do have some expenses day-to-day that are necessary and I don't want to encourage myself to skimp on. (Parking, especially. Those tickets are expensive!) It'd be a good thing to talk to DH about, too.

I'd love to do a seperate debit card, but we're talking about small enough amounts of money ($30/week.) that I don't know if the bank would be willing to do it. Maybe a pre-paid card?

[Emilie]

That book sounds good.
Dh and I have a terrible time talking about money. If we have money- we spend it. He more than I. I am the worrier and he is the spender!
I buy things for the house and ummm... McDonalds... he buys useless crapola.
IMO.... of course.

He never had to manage money- ever in his life. He was 25 when I married him and he had never had his own checking acct! OMG!
Anyhow....
We are going to start doing the bills TOGETHER.... so that I am accountable and he is aware.
We are also going to do the CASH thing.
How much do you all get for cash spending? I am thinking 40 each for 2 weeks. WHich is good for him because he only has to buy for himself and I have to buy for me and 2 kids.

Good thread.

[BurtsGirl]

Sorry, I haven't been back in a while. I hope you all get a chance to check out that book. It really is a good one in my opinion.

Emilie, our system works like this. We've divided every up into categories and bought a small coupon-style book to keep in the car. We have it labeled with Groceries, beer & wine, home improvement, gifts, health/meds, Entertainment, and Retail (target, walmart). We used to divide $300 per week into all those categories and were very strict on staying in our limits. We've since moved down to $200, in order to save more money. It's a tight stretch and some weeks whole categories are passed over but for the most part this still works for us.

As far as doing bills. I am a firm believer that couples should do them together. For the longest time DP did our bills and I was clueless. When I started joining in on bill writing day my whole perception changed. I saw how fast our hard earned money went out the window or mailbox.

What works for us might not be right for you. But I hope all couples learn how to handle money together. It's one of the most argued about subject between couples.

[oldgirl,newtricks]

I don't see how anyone can stick to being frugal without a financial goal. Men often equal visable spending with career success. My dh had a very hard time driving an older used car because he thought if people saw him, they would think he was not being successful in his career. It has taken him a long time to get over that thinking and it still rears it's head every so often.

Once we had real goals in place, it became much easier to put the money aside. We did have several times where I would have to remind him that it did no good for me to watch the food budget if he would going to blow a few thousand dollars on suits. That was unfair to the rest of us in the family. He would do stuff like buy the cheapest bread, saying he's saving money, and pick up a DVD as he's going out the checkstand.

Once you can answer the "why" to being frugal, the "how" becomes easier to put into place.

[oneKnight]

We do the bills together and a few months ago we (WE, together) made up a monthly budget divided up for two paychecks. I'm the one who writes the checks for the bills, but DH knows what they are and when they're paid and how much is lefotover, we always discuss whether or not we should eat out -depending on what food is at home, etc.

If there is an extra big expense or something he wants to buy I make him write out a check for it separately. Similar to spending cash, it is waaaay too easy to swipe a card it's so much more meaningful to either count out the bills or write out the full amount.

[Belleweather]

OldGirl: The Why for us at this point is that we don't have a choice -- we're a two student family and financial aid barely covers essential expenses. So I don't have to worry about the 'why can't we spend everything that we earn?' business while we're living on loans. It is a good thing to think about since we'll be quadrupling our income when we graduate, though.

We've been talking a lot lately about financial priorities and what our strengths and weaknesses are in dealing with money, and how we can play to our strengths best. It was really a good thing when he was able to admit that money scares him too... we've been having some good talks about goals (Thanks to whoever recommeded "Smart Couples Finish Rich"! I'm not wild about his financial advice, but the stuff about talking about goals has been really helpful) and how we want to use money in our lives.