WWYD in this situation?

[mesa]

For those of you who send your kids to public school, (and with the understanding that the majority of parents out there do NOT practice GD) how do you (or will you) handle SERIOUS bullying? Or even just plain meanness like saying "you hate your mom" (this happened to my 7 year old on the bus, and he came home in tears).

In this instance, my son told my DP that he didn't want to ride the bus any more one morning. We took him to school that day, and picked him up, but I told him that he would have to ride the bus in the future. That day, while DS was at school, I called the principal's office and the bus barn and reported the incidents. I guess these (3rd grade) boys were saying mean things to my son, like the above mentioned stuff. All they said was, ok, we'll look into it...since I didn't have a name (or names) for them, (DS wouldnt tell me who they were) there wasn't much they could do. I ask him regularly if he encounters any mean kids at school, and for the most part he says no, but I worry. He's gentle and sweet, I worry about kids ruining his sunny outlook on life...but on the other hand, I know I shouldn't "rescue" him from every single little problem (different if it's really serious). I feel in my heart that I wouldn't hesitate to yank him out and homeschool if he were being badly bullied.

Ideas?

[chfriend]

Coloroso's The Bully, the Bullied and the Bystander

[LiamnEmma]

I second the above book, it's excellent. I'm also reading Please Stop Laughing at Me right now; a memoir about bullying.

I'd take issue though with the inference that only nonGD kids are mean or bullies. We GD our kids and my ds tends to have difficulties with one particular child--to the point that I've told on my ds twice at school. The child appears to have Asperger's Disorder and I don't think my son knows how to deal with him and I don't think the school is doing an adequate job of teaching all the students to interact with special needs students--and they have several classes on the campus. So I guess I'm saying we should all be watching our own kids and looking at their parts in interactions as well, and not only should we be arming them, but we should also be watching for any indications that they are participating.

Bullying is so difficult. I think many many teachers bully students and we see those frustrations acted out on playgrounds. I think yard supervisors bully kids and I think kids bully kids. I personally spend as much time as I can on my children's campus, interacting with teachers, students, the administration. This way I can watch, act, and react with more knowledge of the situation.

Honestly though? I think busses have a tendency to end up with a Lord of the Flies scenario, and I'd avoid it if I could for as long as I could. Just my opinion. In the district I work in, the bus drivers are certainly not trained to work on any sort of emotional level with the students although I'm sure there are some who are naturally great and others I might not want my child interacting with...

[mesa]

I'm not trying to say that only non-GD kids are bullies, heck, my 7 year old can be rather mean to his little brother sometimes. What I meant by that is that a lot of non-GD kids come from a violent household, and be violent themselves. I wish I could sit in his classroom or be at the playground, but I have a 3 year old DS and he is not allowed (he would be so disruptive to Nicolas' class) I do stay in close contact with his teacher, almost daily, by phone and email, and we both deal with issues as they come up quickly and emphatically.

For instance, recently there was a boy in his class who stole things out of his desk, whispered to him during class, and even stole his test paper once and wrote his own name on it (and wrote Nicolas' name on his) when they were passing tests in. I discovered that one when I was going through Nicolas' papers one evening and saw this test, with different (terrible!) handwriting and a score of 20%. We talked about it, he swore it wasn't his...I called his teacher and filled her in, and we discovered what really happened.

At first, when this kid was just stealing pencils and distracting Nicolas, I suggested that maybe he wanted to be friends and just didn't know how to go about doing it. I had met his mother and him at the DMV one day, and he seemed like a really nice kid. I had a hard time believing he was being truly malicious. I thought it was a case of "I want to be his friend, so I'll be pretend mean to him to get him to pay attention to me". But, when the test paper incident happened, and when Nicolas told me he was shoving him out of line, writing on his jacket, calling him names, and deliberately trying to get Nicolas into trouble, I realized this boy was morphing into a bully. So I asked his teacher to separate them (they sit on opposite sides of the room now) and try (I know it's hard for her, her class is so large) to keep them apart in the line. Nicolas, though, has been pretty stoic about the whole thing. He seems to understand the situation better than I do, and does a pretty good job of sticking up for himself.

Wow, I got wordy there. LOL. Not putting Nicolas on the bus isn't an option, we only have one car, and DP works odd hours. I am without a car during the day just about all the time. I could probably swing dropping him off once a day, but definitely not dropping off and picking up. I have heard about that book several times now I have to go pick it up. Thank you for the suggestions!

[menudo]

Well, 9yo DD goes to a PS where the Prinicipal is very hands on and this stuff is confronted immediately. But even with that, me calling, DD going to him herself, she was in a FIST FIGHT with a "friend" on the bus last week. As in eye bruises. I know she was ready to fight as she was attacked last spring in our neighborhood (and we live in the burbs). The principal was livid at both of them for getting physical but I know certain boys provoked it. He handled it great and neither got in real trouble, just scared. Neither had been in trouble ever before.

The bus is a mess. We cannot drive her due to our situation. The Prinicpal is doing what he can and told the kids all rule violations will be reported by sriver, etc. We are finding out why the AIDE who was on teh bus is no longer there. The main boy who bullies and all follow has made fun of DD for being in p/t special ed. She said "makes no sense as he is in FULL DAY special ed.!"

It sucks. I work f/t and DS goes ot a different school due to overcrowding. I have zero time to visit and so on, I go to work late everyday to stay at the bus stop with her!

Good luck, stay on it!

[LiamnEmma]

Oh, that sounds like such a bummer. We had a situation that was fortunately not as bad when my [same age] ds was in k. We were lucky in that the other child was in a different classroom but they spent about three hours together each day in the afterschool care program. The other boy was just so mean spirited and I ultimately asked that they not be near each other in the first grade. I feel for you. It's kind of like the bus--it just wasn't an option for one of us to pick him up after school instead of sending him to the school age care program. Keep a close eye, definitely read that book.

[PiePie]

I think you handled it right by getting the administration involved. I think this is really a test of them, not you. Try to pump DC for a description of the bully and make them figure it out from those clues. I would want them to intervene immediately and firmly.

[kewb]

Follow up with both the principal and the bus company. If you don't hold them accountable they will push it under the rug.