Settling for less kids than you thought?

[mightymoo]

I want to talk to someone other than my Dh about this, I can't talk to my family (they are too biased - mom wants me to have three, MIL prefers two, bros are not in a place to understand), I was hoping maybe I could chat with some mamas here about it.

I have two wonderful children. I am finding that I'm not as great a mom as I want to be, as I thought I would be (when DD was a happy easy as can be baby). I always wanted a big family - big meant 4 kids before we had DD, then after having her I was sure I couldn't handle more than 3, now I'm thinking of staying with two. This is haunting me - Since I was pregnant with DS, I thought about everything as 'okay, this could be the last' I have been debating this in my mind for two years now. Should we stick with two or go ahead and have three. I think about this literally all the time - not one day goes by without my pondering it often several times a day. At one point last summer we decided to go ahead and have a third and I miscarried, so now I'm back to deciding again.

I feel very alone in this decision in that DH would prefer to stay at two, but many discussions have made it clear that he would be okay with three (though if things went wrong or were really hard I wonder if he wouldn't blame me a little bit) and that really its up to me in the end. The way the last half year has gone, I really am feeling more and more comfortable with that decision. So much of our life seems molded just right for two kids - three bedroom house, income wise, car wise, etc.

I am certainly a little neurotic too. I worry about the future, the what ifs, what if we lose one? (It sounds riddiculous to say it, but I can't help think about it) I look at my grandparents and how taken care of they are in their old age and I worry that with only two will I have that? Will I have someone to visit me nearly every day when I'm 90? etc

My DH's fears are more immediate - what if the third has a health issue? What will that take away from the other two and how will that affect our lives? (I'm sure we would love the child regardless) He says he would feel awful for them for their whole life, not being able to do things like normal kids, etc. I asked him why he wasn't concerned about this with the other two he said because it was always a given we would have at least two, so he didn't really dwell on it. There is also concerns for my health, I already have some pain from scar tissue from my 2 c/s and my OB has said 'I should reconsider having a big family' and that more c/s's (she wasn't clear on whether she thought just one would be a problem) might end up with scar tissue causing pain more frequently, even whenever I use my abdominal muscles.

I grew up with a mom who was overwhelmed by the three of us I think, she yelled and bellittled us and I see that coming out in myself. I feel like I have a greater chance of being a better mom to two than three. I have two very spirited children and they take a lot of our energy and we aren't sure how on earth we could handle another one, but my devil's advocate tells me that would only be for a little while. I am a SAHM now, but I want to get my MBA and go back to work I can do that sooner with two than three, it means less cost and more money we can spend on the things that are important to us and things that enrich our other children. It means not having to spread ourselves quite so thin, we have a greater chance to make the ballgames, dance recitals, etc.

I am leaning heavily right now to being done with just two but I just soooo wish I could be at peace with this decision. I'm looking to connect with someone else who has struggled with this decision and decided to err on the side of less children - have you come to terms with that choice? If I decided to have three the decision would be made, I wouldn't be rethinking it constnatly, we would just move forward (and indeed this was the thinking we had when we went for it last time), but I dont' know how to decide for only two and move on without constantly rethinking.

(PS Thanks for reading this I didn't realize how long it was until I looked back at it)

[mommyofshmoo]

Your kids are still really young (the older is even younger than my older) so why don't you just "table" the decision for a while?

Ever since I had baby #2 I've pondered a third and since I'm turning 34 this year I used to CONSTANTLY wonder if I should hurry up and have another.

But I'm out of work right now, most likely till Spring, and baby#2 is at a very difficult age. Why rush? It's not for me right now, laer who knows?

I've just decided that I'll try not to think about it till next fall. Dd#1 will be in kindy, dd#2 will be in preschool. Hopefully I'll be working again- then we'll see. And if I'm not ready then, I can just revisit it again in another year.

If you're still of childbearing age, there's no reason you have to decide one way or another. Why not just decide you're not having another RIGHT NOW.

Think of it this way- someday you may move to a foreign country (or a new foreign country), or learn to surf, or buy a horse- but you don't think about it every day. There's plenty of options you wouldn't want to cut off for yourself forever, but that you don't dwell upon.

I say table it. Life is long- enjoy it!

[mightymoo]

Originally Posted by mommyofshmoo

Your kids are still really young (the older is even younger than my older) so why don't you just "table" the decision for a while?

It's true, they are young, I am young enough. I guess the answer to that is I do know I don't want my kids far apart in age. I don't want 4+ years between the younger two, I like the age gap between the two I have. I really feel like I either want one soon or never. I guess the reason I'm posting this is because I'm worried that if I don't just go ahead with the third now, I will change my mind in 5 years, then I'll have two so far apart and it won't be really what I want. It will delay a lot of the other things I want in my life or make them impossible. My husband really won't like that idea because he's worried already that three will somehow turn into four and I can imagine if I wait too long I'll feel that the third should have a sibling his age. This is why I'm having such a hard time with just wait and see how things go.

[honeybee]

I agree with the pp. This isn't a decision you have to make immediately. Give yourself time. Say "not now" and then pick a time-frame to re-examine the issue... maybe 6 months or 1 year. By that time you may find the idea of a third to be more exciting, or you may feel more at peace with sticking with two.

I have two boys with a similar age gap. It is overwhelming. I know I want at least one more, but I want more of a gap before the next one, more like 3 years apart.

[becoming]

I agree with the PPs who said wait a few months and reassess. I know I am at a totally different place in my parenting journey now than I was even just six months ago.

But this is coming from someone who always wanted three kids, had finally gotten used to the idea of having just two, and accidentally got pregnant with #3.

[saraann]

What does your gut say to you?

[newmommy]

[SneakyPie]

Oh goodness! This is *not* a decision you have to make now. I know, you say you don't want them far apart, but A) why? and B) if you decide now that you are stopping at 2 but then in 5 years you are both overwhelmed with the desire to have another, wouldn't you just act on that anyway? Having these 2 feel like they are well-spaced doesn't mean it's the perfect spacing for 2 & 3 (not that we can ever predict!).

I don't have any advice but from your post it seems like it would feel better, as a parent, to wait. The other things will work themselves out, I think, especially with your current education plans.

[cmom80]

Hi, I just saw this post and wanted to pop in and respond. I only have one baby but I can understand where you're coming from. I always wanted a big family, and even convinced DH that we'll have 4 or 5. But now I'm not sure that I want any more than just my little girl.

Your concerns (about who will take care of you, what if you lose one, etc) are perfectly normal and understandable! As of now, the only reason I'd want to have another baby is to have a backup in case, God forbid, something goes wrong with C. I am admitting that because I think it's a normal feeling that parents have, but most don't want to say it. However, I also know that that's not a good reason to have another baby.

So I'm putting the decision on hold. I guess you should too. I hate not having my whole life planned out, but sometimes you have to just wait and see what God has in store for you (apologies if you're not religious.) Whatever the case, it will eventually become clear.

Here's my take: It sounds like you'd be all right with 2, so if you don't feel absolutely compelled to have another one, don't push it. Maybe 2 is all you were meant to have, and that is OK!

[Mountaingirl3]

I don't have any perfect advice, but I wanted to say that it's totally normal to obsess about this stuff. Once our second dd turned one, I thought about whether or not to have the third all the time for over a year. Dh was very happy with two and left the decision to me.

In the end, I knew I wanted to parent another child. I felt that I'd always regret it if we stopped at two, and I'd always wonder what the third little person would have been like.

Our second and third are exactly three years apart. That's been perfect spacing--they are good playmates and the love is stronger than the jealousy.

With three, I had to give up all but the last stolen moments of me time, and dh and I struggle to find the time to stay connected. You need a lot more energy . But, it's so worth it. Our family feels happily chaotic, but not out of control. And we get one more person in this circle of attatchment and intimacy. Dh is so glad that I got him to go for it!

I just reread your post and realized that you were looking for someone who made the opposite decision! sorry. Hope this was somehow helpful anyway.

[annethcz]

I understand where you're coming from. I would very much like another child. I think. If this was a perfect world, I would like another child. The difference is that I already have four kids, and DH and I have been talking about adding a fifth. If we had another child, we would adopt again.

So, I'm not a perfect parent. And yes, occasionally I do feel stretched between the children I already have. Things are really good right now, how difficult would it be to readjust if we add another child into the mix. I worry about how difficult it would be for DH, and how it would affect our relationship. DH is somewhat indifferent to the idea of another child- he's able to see the pros and cons. He's not adamantly opposed to the idea, but he's not overwhelmed with joy about it either.

Another thing that I worry about is how another child would affect some of my goals for the future. We're pretty comfortable financially speaking, but we're not rolling in money either. Money we spend on the adoption or on clothes, shoes, food, lessons, etc. for child #5 is money that we won't be able to put towards other things that are important to me. I am very happy that we're able enroll our kids in swimming lessons and take them to the children's theater and participate in cultural classes, etc. I wonder how big of a difference it would make to have a 5th child. How expensive would it really be to buy that 5th movie ticket or a 5th pair of winter boots or a 5th kids meal when we go out to dinner? I know these aren't things that are neccesary in life, but they are things we enjoy doing.

But then again, I really want to parent another child. I feel that our home is a happy, healthy place, and we have the resources neccesary to raise another child. Sigh.

[bobandjess99]

Originally Posted by mightymoo

It's true, they are young, I am young enough. I guess the answer to that is I do know I don't want my kids far apart in age. I don't want 4+ years between the younger two, I like the age gap between the two I have. I really feel like I either want one soon or never. I guess the reason I'm posting this is because I'm worried that if I don't just go ahead with the third now, I will change my mind in 5 years, then I'll have two so far apart and it won't be really what I want. It will delay a lot of the other things I want in my life or make them impossible. My husband really won't like that idea because he's worried already that three will somehow turn into four and I can imagine if I wait too long I'll feel that the third should have a sibling his age. This is why I'm having such a hard time with just wait and see how things go.

Ok...so, going by what you have said in this post..let's try to find a good solution.

You don't want the kids 4+ years apart in age. What is the furthest apart you would want them? would 3 years be okay? Assuming it is, then let's proceed with that...your youngest is 16 months?
Do you have a history fertiltiy issues which might delay you getting pregnant? If not, then let's proceed...for a spacing of no more than 3 years apart (36 months), you would need to get preggo by the time youngest is 27 months. That is ELEVEN months from now. Even factoring in a 6 month window of "trying", that gives you a very comfortable 5 month space in which you can "table" the issue......
I know it sounds difficult to table it, but don't think of it as "not being able to think about it"...just the opposite.....feel free to think about it..long and hard...but it will take some of the pressure off, since you know that no matter what, a DECISION isn't going to be made for 5 months....
Use that 5 months WISELY. Don't just think about having more kids...enjoy the ones you have. Live very much day to day. Look long and hard at your life....look at your options for going back to school and potential timetables... spend some time with other adults..ones in the workforce or in school....get a feel for what THAT life would feel like....think through, research the potential issue re: your health C/S issues, etc....
Most of all, listen to your heart/gut.
When you reach your "preset date".......discuss it with dh again, see what you are thinking feeling....SO MUCH can change in 5-6 months. See what having the 2 kids is doing to you, how you feel....revisit the issue.

I guess my point is that you really DON'T have to decide now, even if it feels like it. "Tabling" the issue is very likely the best thing....but it doesn't have to be for very long....it doesn't have to be years..it doesn't have to even be 6 months, as i suggested...make it ONE month....put the pressure of a decision off....then, when that deadline comes..feel free to table it again......I recently wen through this.,....
I have been vacillating since dd was about 18 months old....we have REALLY been discussing having another, like, almost daily discussions, with a different decision every week, LOL! for about 6 months....I was SO wishy-washy...I would line up the pros and cons, etc....think it through till my ears bled....

And finally, just this past month it HIT ME....I WANT another baby. I REALLY do. It's not just a rational decision i came to...it's a YEARNING, a need.....even though all the CONS still apply, and there are so many things to think about and so many reason not to....I desperately want another baby.......so..I know it's right.
I think at some point, you'll get your own "aha!" moment

best wishes

[Elowyn]

I obviously don't have your decision to make, but when I need to make a major decision like that, I try three different things.

Thing one: I do an experiment with myself. For a week I live my life, having made choice A. I organize my mind around seeing my future having made choice A. I look at my mindset & feelings, etc, about having made this choice. Am I happy? Am I upset? etc. Then the next week, I swap, and do the same thing with choice B.

Thing two: At some neutral time in the day, I ask myself: "A or B." I don't do this at a time I'm usually feeling negative, or usually feeling positive. Just at a nice, neutral (or unpredictable) time. Write down the answer you give (A, B, or no clue) and keep a tally for a month (don't look at it until the end of the month.) By the end of the month, you'll have a much better idea of your true feelings.

Thing three: The good ol' pro and con list, with weights for each item. So if "desire for another child" is a really important pro, you rate it at, say, 8. If something is much less important, you rate it at, say, 2. Once the pros & cons are out there, you add up the weights, and the higher # is your choice.

Good luck!

[mommyofshmoo]

Originally Posted by mightymoo

It's true, they are young, I am young enough. I guess the answer to that is I do know I don't want my kids far apart in age. I don't want 4+ years between the younger two, I like the age gap between the two I have. I really feel like I either want one soon or never. I guess the reason I'm posting this is because I'm worried that if I don't just go ahead with the third now, I will change my mind in 5 years, then I'll have two so far apart and it won't be really what I want. It will delay a lot of the other things I want in my life or make them impossible. My husband really won't like that idea because he's worried already that three will somehow turn into four and I can imagine if I wait too long I'll feel that the third should have a sibling his age. This is why I'm having such a hard time with just wait and see how things go.

Haven't read the following posts yet, but wanted to reply...

Firstly, if you wait a year to decide- you still will only have 3 years in between the last two. Mine are 3+ years apart and i love it.

Second, my parents waited 4+ years between each of us and it was nice. By the time the youngest was walking, the one above them was just about in kindy.

Maybe you feel overwhelmed by kids because they are both so young, is what I'm saying. If you wait just a year your oldest will be more self sustaining and more "help", Then you can see if you can handle more.

Wondering if you can handle more right this moment is stacking the odds against the decision.

[wife&mommy]

I am having this too but not for the same reason. My husband decided he doesn't want more kids when we had previously agreed on 5 or 6. I can't even tell you how upset I am over this. I have the NEED for another one now and its killing me!!! Our only DS is 17 months.

[woobysma]

I think Elowyn had some great ideas.

Personally, I've tabled this decision in my life until next year some time, but I'm not hung up on the spacing like you are (my boys are 7 years apart).

My advice would be to wait a few months and re-examine it. I've always thought that kids were kind of like tattoos (NOT to trivialize the decision at all...but...)

**If you aren't sure you want something for the rest of your life, then wait. **


I think it's better to err on the side of too few and have that nagging question, than to err on the side of too many and have a child who is less than totally wanted. Ykwim??


Me, I'm dying to have #3 - really, truly can't think of anything else and think about it all the time - but DP and I aren't married yet, so it's not the best timing for us now. I still bring it up at least once a week, though

[EnviroBecca]

I have struggled with this issue--except that for me it's whether to have 2 or just 1--and I'm 95% settled on not having another.

It is hard to give up something you thought you had decided long ago. It feels almost like betraying your past self. But sometimes being older and wiser and more experienced brings you to a different decision, and that's okay.

The idea of tabling the issue for a short time with a definite endpoint is a good one (this is something we've decided to do too) but our fear is that nature will decide it for us when we haven't decided yet. We have several friends and relatives who thought they were done having children and then had a surprise pregnancy despite using contraception, so that possibility kind of looms over us.

Your post "sounds" to me like you have already decided to stick with 2 and aren't seeking help with making the decision so much as help feeling confident in the decision. (I do think you've gotten some fantastic advice on making the decision, for instance from Elowyn, and applying that advice may help you feel more certain.) Here are a few things that have been helpful to me:

1. Cold, hard facts about overpopulation. These help to counter the feeling that I'm being "selfish" by refusing to have as many children as possible.

2. Making the effort to connect with friends and extended family so that we have plenty of people in our lives without having to create more.

3. Being a Girl Scout leader, which lets me "have girls" without creating one. You already have a child of each sex, but some form of working with a group of kids would let you "have more kids" without having them ALL THE TIME!

4. When I feel some temptation to have another baby, I spend some time imagining having a newborn with me every moment, along with all the other things I am doing. It usually takes me only a few hours to feel like I must have been insane to consider it.

5. This is silly, but it works for me: I roll dice or use random numbers from the phone book to set the sexes and ages of my future children. I have fun thinking of names for all of them. Then I think about what it would be like when each of them was the age EnviroBaby is now.

Woobysma wrote:

I think it's better to err on the side of too few and have that nagging question, than to err on the side of too many and have a child who is less than totally wanted.

Why push it?

Before I get flamed, let me state that absolutely none of the above is meant as a slam against anyone who has lots of children or doesn't believe in birth control. We all have different numbers that are right for us and the right to live by our own beliefs.

[mightymoo]

Thanks everyone. This has all been very helpful. I think a lot of the age gap issues for me also center around being able to move on to the next stage in my life - I'm a SAHM now, but I want to go back to work soon, I don't want to be stuck in the baby phase forever, I'm yearning for the day when we can go to my parents for sunday night football and relax while the kids play upstairs without having to run after my toddler, etc. (Don't get me wrong, I love toddlers for lots of reasons, but its tiring!) So, the idea of postponing the third upsets me because I just don't want it to be an EXTRA year before I'm able to stop wiping butts and chasing toddlers, etc. It's really a selfish thing mostly.

I think I will take whomever's suggestion of living with teh decision for a while. One of the things I've been itching to do is to clear out all the baby stuff that is hanging around our house asking me the 'what if?' question. I think I'll just go ahead and sell it and get rid of it. it will make the decision feel more permenant (without actually being so) and allow me to really feel like we are moving on from the decision and make plans for my life with two and see how I feel about that in a few years. I can always buy more baby stuff if I change my mind. (Isn't that the fun part anyway?)

A couple of things really point toward the two kids - one was the fact that when I miscarried #3 I was really not upset at all. I was not relieved or anything like that (like one might be with an unwanted pregnancy), but it didn't bring on a huge wave of sadness. And I'm the type of person who can bawl my eyes out if I just hear a sad song because I feel the loss. Second is that I have a cousin my age who I always seem to be competing with. We were 'thinking about' TTC and when I heard she was TTC, I just had to start right away. We have kids the same ages and genders, etc. They seemed very on the edge of whether to have more too and recently I found out she's pregnant. But this news has not really made me ansy to get pregnant again, which seems significant to me.

One thing I have working to my advantage is that I'm the oldest of my family, I have two younger brothers, one of whom is getting married in a year and a half and is planning to live in our town. I don't know how long they plan to wait to have kids, but but I imagine it won't be too long. So I will get to cuddle their babies and get a baby fix again with the advantage of sending them home at the end of the day.