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Whould you adopt ex's child?

  • Yes, please post why.

    Votes: 15 38.5%
  • No, please post why.

    Votes: 18 46.2%
  • Other, explain.

    Votes: 6 15.4%

Would you adopt ex's child?

2K views 43 replies 33 participants last post by  Dragonfly 
#1 ·
My ex just revealed that he had a one night stand, and he just found out that the woman is pregnant. She is not sure that she wants to keep the baby, and she is even considering abortion. He asked me if I would consider adopting the child with him (I am not sure how this would work, since we are not together.) I only have limited information, but he said that she has two children that are not in her custody (they may have been taken away from her.) I have always been interested in adopting from the foster care system, but situation sounds like something from a soap opera or daytime talk show. Ex does fully support me and DS right now (he gives me a third of his income), and we have a decent relationship. So, would you adopt your ex's child? Why or why not?

Some possible pros:

It is DS sibling.
Baby will be raised in an attachment parenting and natural living environment.
I am still breastfeeding Kai (he's 2 1/2), so I could breastfeed this baby.

Some possible cons:

May be a complicated process.
Mother is not very healthy (from what he says) she was drinking recently even though she knows she is pregnant.
I am planning to move to Florida and go to midwifery school in several months, so it might affect that.
I will be a single mom with two kids.
 
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#2 ·
Too bloody complicated, in regards to parenting with a X and any/all legalities, in addition to WAY TOO MANY potential negative consequences and what-ifs.

The situation could turn messy really, really quick and I prefer to keep my life as uncomplicated and messy-free as possible.
 
#3 ·
It seems like there are a lot of variables, but on principle, yeah, I'd do it, especially if my x was reliably supportive financially and I had a good relationship with him. I had seriously considered taking my x's older daughter, mainly because her home life is so chaotic, and I was so bonded with her, but didn't because I'd get no financial support and I'm struggling as it is (well, that and a few other issues, of course it's complicated...).

The alcohol use by the mother would concern me...I'd want to know if it's a chronic thing, and could possbly lead to FAS. I'd probably also be concerned that I'd bond with the child and then the bio mom would change her mind. That would be painful. Still, I'd consider it.
 
#5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by zeldabee View Post
The alcohol use by the mother would concern me...I'd want to know if it's a chronic thing, and could possbly lead to FAS. I'd probably also be concerned that I'd bond with the child and then the bio mom would change her mind. That would be painful. Still, I'd consider it.
I am also concerned about the alcohol use and FAS. I would only do it if I did legally adopt it, and she was onboard with the idea.
 
#7 ·
there is NO WAY i would do that. if he gets someone else pregnant, that's his responsibility and he needs to deal with it. i don't think that's any of my concern, even if it IS my child's half-sibling.
and plus what someone else here already said, it could get really nasty really quick. no, thanks.
 
#9 ·
That's a tough one. On one hand, I have really strong baby fever right now, so I'd say yes
:

BUT - while I can almost appreciate what you're going through here, my main thought is "well, if you got along with the ex well enough to want to take on another child with him, then you'd probably still be *with* him, right?" The fact that he's your EX probably means having a child with him, even if it's through adoption, probably isn't the best idea.
 
#10 ·
Yeah, the fact that he's an ex would concern me too.

But I'd be tempted to think about it (I have baby fever at times myself). And I'd feel bad for the child if the whole story is true about the mother...drinking, etc. But I'd also take that with a grain of salt. And maybe she wouldn't truly be into giving her baby to you to raise. I would definitely need to know more before making such a decision. After all... I probably wouldn't do it.
 
#12 ·
I voted other, this is a sticky, sticky situation and really depends on your relationship wiht your ex and how he feels about you moving. There are so many factors involved that it really needs to be discussed and outlined. Since she is considering the abortion I am assuming it is still early in the pregnancy. This can give you time to work these issues out. Yes this has a lot of baggage with it but it would give your child a sibling (blood) and it would be giving this child a chance. Are you willing to be the one to take that chance??? Up to you. If you were considering adopting a foster child sometime then this would be good situation because it is a definite and you know the dad.

I wish you luck on this and hope we get updates!!!
 
#13 ·
NO I would absolutely not. The pregnant woman is drinking, and sick anyway... No way! What if something is seriously wrong with the child and you don't see it until the child is let's say one or two or ten years old.

I realize that child would need help, too, but why complicate your life? And maybe the life of your son?

You may love the baby but not be able to deal with the child if he has neurological problems from the alcohol. The child may be very difficult as it gets older.

My cousin took care of a baby that was from an alcoholic mom and that child had huge problems as it got older. She could not handle it and she is a child psychologist.

In my opinion it is a road to disaster. JMHO, ladies!

 
#14 ·
First, you'd have to get all the legal stuff straightened out, and it might be pretty tricky. Your ex is a birth father, but what about you? Mom would have to sign over her rights. Would she be truly willing to do that?

And what does this say about your ex? Does he actually take responsibility for his children, or just shove it off on others? Is this a reflection of how he acted in your relationship (in other words, is all baby related duty yours, and he just gets the glory of being dad)?

Also, what support network do you have? Having a newborn while single is a LOT different than having even a toddler single. And in some ways, I think the transition would be even harder if you hadn't given birth to the baby, as in you'd get less recognition from the world, fewer hormonal assists, etc. And what if things fall through in the end, or drag on? How much will you have shifted your life around in the meantime, and how will that effect things?

Do you have the financial means to take care of this child? How much could your ex really help? How much would you be losing in terms of not just putting off your plans for a few years, but maybe forever, losing years of work towards retirement (I know, I know, we never think about that, but women really do LOSE on that respect). And what would your ex be giving up? A little bit of money? How good a dad is he now? And what happens if you do adopt your ex's kid and a year from now he's in the same boat (men can create babies a whole lot faster than women can care for them....)?

So I think it would take oooooodles of soul searching. That all being said, I once thought to myself that if I really wanted another biokid while I was single, it would be preferable to ask my ex for sperm than to go with a stranger. Not that it would ever have happened, mind you!
but in the true abstract, it is a lot easier to stay with what you know...
 
#15 ·
I'd do it.

I can be selfish that way.

My reasons: It's my child's sibling, anyway. If it's alive and I can help it in a way where I'm raising it, I would.

The BM drinking may or may not be an issue, in the end.

No, this doesn't say much about the ex, but I figure that's no surprise at this point. He's an ex for a reason. Probably more than one reason.
 
#17 ·
If I got on well with him I think I would do it. Especially since the child may have special needs. But my dd does have some special needs so I am not afraid of that. I always get upset when people assume a special needs child would be a burden in some way. They love and need to be loved just like any child.

What would give me pause would be dealing with the X. Would he turn around and use the fact that you're not the natural mother against you if he got angry? That sort of thing. And I'd be leery about the mother actually going through with terminating her rights.

I'd want to be sure that I could support myself and my children in case ex decided to play games. It's all good now but 5 years from now, who knows?
 
#18 ·
I know you want to help out this baby, your child's sibling. But you'd be adopting WITH X. Ugh! You're already not with him. Not to sound cynical, but he knows you're a good mom to your DS and that you'll be a good mom to his kid too. Not fair. I think he's using you to get a good life for his child. I mean, it's a great opportunity for this baby but you don't deserve to have to pick up HIS pieces.

On a side note, I hope this mom gets her act together and at least lays off the alcohol and takes care of herself so this little baby isn't harmed......
 
#19 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Gitti View Post
No way! What if something is seriously wrong with the child and you don't see it until the child is let's say one or two or ten years old.
Maybe I'm just really hormonal/emotional today but this just, honestly, pisses me off. So what if the child has something "seriously wrong" with him/her? When you got pregnant there was no guarantee your child will come out "perfect". There is no guarantee that some freak accident won't happen to your child tomorrow, leaving them less than "perfect". Will you love them any less? Hell no. Will you wish you never had him/her? Hell no. Use any excuse you want for not wanting to adopt an ex's child but good lord, please don't say it's because something *could* be "seriously wrong" years down the road.
:

Coming from a stressed out mama who just found out her boy almost definately has something "seriously wrong" that will affect him for the rest of his life and will probably cause him great physical pain, not to mention the emotional pain
 
#21 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
Maybe I'm just really hormonal/emotional today but this just, honestly, pisses me off. So what if the child has something "seriously wrong" with him/her? When you got pregnant there was no guarantee your child will come out "perfect". There is no guarantee that some freak accident won't happen to your child tomorrow, leaving them less than "perfect". Will you love them any less? Hell no. Will you wish you never had him/her? Hell no. Use any excuse you want for not wanting to adopt an ex's child but good lord, please don't say it's because something *could* be "seriously wrong" years down the road.
:

Coming from a stressed out mama who just found out her boy almost definately has something "seriously wrong" that will affect him for the rest of his life and will probably cause him great physical pain, not to mention the emotional pain

I agree with you Steph. Hugs to you...and Owen too!!!
 
#22 ·
Obviously, this is very early in the game and ultimately the decision is going to be up to the mother. I have a strong maternal instinct, so I want to say yes, but of course there are many things to consider. From what he has told me she mentioned abortion as an option, and he doesn't really want her to have one. He is also is somewhat open to having the baby adopted by someone else, but he would prefer to be in the baby's life in someway. He is great about supporting me and my son financially. He is supportive of me moving to Florida. He travels to other states to work and then comes home to visit with DS, so he is flexible about where I live. I am trying to picture the possibilities of how it would go if I said yes. Would I be at the birth? How much contact I might have with her. How the actual adoption process would go, etc. How it would change my life.
 
#23 ·
I voted yes, but that's a very personal decision for me. My reasons are:

I WANT another child right now.
I would NOT want my ex to have ANY children in his care.. ever..
I would NOT want my ex's mother to have any more children in her care.

I fought for custody of my ex's child. I won custody of her. I fight for her still. She is my daughter, regardless of biology. I love her. Right now I'm in a very hard place in regards to my daughter's mother's other two children. I know one has been abused in mom's home.. but I really can't take another child with as many needs as my DD right now...

And yes, I know that completely conflicts with my voting yes.. I'm very conflicted right now!
 
#24 ·
(((Hugs Steph)))

Me, I would if I considered saying yes (I have 3 children already) would tell the ex to step up to the plate himself, and I would help out as much as I could but not sign up for the legal part right away if ever. I mean you could wind up paying him child support for the child conceived w/ the other woman.
 
#25 ·
yes I would, as long as I really wanted another child and was in a position to reasonably support both kids.

ESPECIALLY if there was a suspicion of special needs, because those children are the ones that suffer the most in the system and are unlikely to be adopted. my dd is SN so of course, I have a different perspective. the way I'd look at it is if my child was to have a sibling out there, and it's possible for me to raise him or her and love them as my own, I absolutely would. unconditionally. I understand the fear of different problems and challenges that could come along- but honestly- I never thought I would be able to handle it before dd came along, and here we are and I wouldn't trade her for the world.
 
#26 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by zipworth View Post
I would, because the child would be my child's sibling.
This was my thinking too. It would have nothing to do with X IMO.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StephandOwen View Post
Maybe I'm just really hormonal/emotional today but this just, honestly, pisses me off. So what if the child has something "seriously wrong" with him/her? When you got pregnant there was no guarantee your child will come out "perfect". There is no guarantee that some freak accident won't happen to your child tomorrow, leaving them less than "perfect". Will you love them any less? Hell no. Will you wish you never had him/her? Hell no. Use any excuse you want for not wanting to adopt an ex's child but good lord, please don't say it's because something *could* be "seriously wrong" years down the road.
:

Coming from a stressed out mama who just found out her boy almost definately has something "seriously wrong" that will affect him for the rest of his life and will probably cause him great physical pain, not to mention the emotional pain

It pisses me off too!!!
:
:
: NO BABY is even garanteed that it will survive the 9 months of gestation- or the BIRTH!!! I hate how people just assume pregnant= baby. I hate even more that baby=perfect My son managed to survive the birth- only because the doctors intubated him immediately, because he never took a breath by himself. My son looked perfect. Seemed PERFECT. But he had many many "seriously wrong" issues within him.

Yeah, that comment about finding something "seriously wrong" pisses me off too. My son had something seriously wrong. I don't love him any less. He died. I don't love him any less. If my daughter who is 2 1/2 was diagnosed with something "seriously wrong" I wouldn't love her any less. SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!!

If I adopted my child's half sibling, I would not love that child any less either- because that child is 1/2 part of my bio child!! It would be like me only liking my half of my daughter as opposed to the half of my husband that created her too!
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